Love goes on and on....

[honeyspur]

Here is my journal to keep my mind focused.
Although I question the validity of ADD - I'm definately a candidate for it.

I think being focused is a big part of my relationship working. Everytime we have broken up - in addition to the reasons - my focus has been lost.
Can't work on issues without focus right? Right!

Things are good with us now. We even had a party last night and I didn't get all uppity when he decided to go to bed early.

Earlier in the evening, he almost started a fight by saying he didn't think I'd set the alarm for him, once I came to bed.
I just kept saying, "You're supposed to trust me right?" until he stopped.

I know trust is something my man has a hard time with. But it's time for him to become more concious about it and change his attitude. I've been in love with him since we were 20 years old. And we've known each other since we were 15. Sitting in Math class, joking with my best friend Sally - who had a crush on him at the time.

And here we are - 15+ years later - I am still struggling with our relationship, trying to get to a place where we will feel good about getting married. We didn't even get through a year of our engagement without breaking it. (That's a whole OTHER story)

My therapist, Beth, is going to be disappointed to find out we got back together but not surprised. This is odd, because I was surprised - that's for sure.

And what about Ron? What is he doing now?
Sometimes I'll suddenly realize I haven't thought about him in days....
I know he doesn't hate me - but does he wallow in self-pity, as he was like to do when we first met? How are things with with the Big Boss? Dora, the hard working mom, bottled up in her Bronx apartment? Maria, the psycho ex that was just starting to date again when I left.. Rob, the twin, who was living with his girlfriend and his ex and all those kids.......

A chapter spent but permanently fixed in my mind. An experience I shouldn't have gone through, but don't regret. I look back on it fondly still.....

Time for me to get going on my jewelry. Till next time....

[honeyspur]

Another day, another crappy 70's movie and too much coffee.

But who's complaining?

Got my man in the kitchen, choppin' up veggies for our feast I'm about to cook.
I love that I have a guy who learned cooking was an excellent skill to work on. I remember the days when he approached me, with some degree of pride, a piece of cinnimon toast on a plate, carefully sprinkled with chopped, raw garlic.

"This will make your cold go away, really." he assured me as I tried not to balk.
I thanked him heartily, but refused saying, "You wanna try it first?" to which he declined.

But now he's almost got it right. He makes some amazing things. These crazy slow roasted chickens marinated in lemon juice. Some highly spiced rice dish with raisins and almonds he created one evening.

So it's chicken chow mein tonight. Kinda blase', I know, but the only thing with soba noodles (which we have coming out the ears!) I feel like eating.


Here's a fantastic recipe:

Flexible Thai Soup

INGREDIENTS

• • 1 shallot, chopped
  • 2 T chopped fresh ginger
  • 1 clove garlic, minced
  • 1 can vegetable broth
  • 1 can coconut milk
  • 1/4 cup coriander, chopped
  • Juice of 1 lemon
  • A few drops of chili sauce to taste
  • 2 T soy sauce (the original called for Thai fish sauce)
  • Flexible part - 1 cup fresh spinach leaves, or 1 cup sugar snap or snow peas, or 1 cup water chestnuts, or 1 cup black mushroom

METHOD
Saute shallot, garlic and ginger in a small amount of vegetable oil. Add coconut milk and vegetable broth. Bring to a boil, turn down to simmer. Add coriander, lemon juice, chili sauce, soy sauce (or alternative) and vegetables. Simmer until spinach is wilted and veggies are tender but not limp, approximately 5 minutes.
Serve with rice. Serves 2 to 4.


Add chicken boullion (1 Tablespoon)
Add brown sugar (1 packed tablespoon) after you add the veggies.

It's so amazing!!


Didn't make any jewelry today.....maybe I'm getting burned out......

[honeyspur]

I am trying to muster up enough courage to go out and have a nice meal with myself.
My boyfriend ticked me off and I don't want to rip him a new one - the only thing I can think of, is I need to do something nice for myself.
Not pick a fight. Not wallow in tears. Not sleep. Not any of the things i do that are obviously linked to depression.

But I'm scared. I feel retarded eating by myself and the waitstaff always looks surprised. (I've done this before.) Plus I'm not sure how this will help. Won't I just be ticked again once I get home?

Early this morning, after a very nice and cuddly waking up together, I thought he'd left for work and started my morning ritual.
He rushed in suddenly asking me to come out and "watch" his car because he'd run out of gas and had to walk down to the corner station and fill the mini-can we had.
"Can't you just take my car?" I asked, puzzled.
"Well sure - but can you go wave traffic out of the way? My car is halfway out of the driveway...."

I reluctantly got dressed and went out.
In the night it had rained and frozen. So the neighborhood looked as if it were encased in glass. My car was encrusted in an icy cage.
He left and I stood there, feeling awkward as cars slowly tried to get around his black Cougar.

He returned and filled it up, explaining something about how he'd barely made it into the driveway last night.
In the past, before he had his car and we shared mine, we ran out of gas twice. It has taught me a lesson - but not him I guess.

Anyway, he came home from work and we were getting along fine.
I am a jewelry maker (beading) and went out of the den, where we were both nestled in tight to clean up my previous bead-mess on the table.
One of the strings broke and beads started rolling. I rushed to catch them. He did not move. I heard a little "Doh!" come from the den and thought then he would help.
Nothing.
I said, "oh well." and the beads all tumbled, making a lot of noise.
Still nothing.
So I got down and crawled all over the dining room picking them all up.

Now, where I'm going with this is, the obvious differences here between us.
I realize I didn't ask him for help, so I'm not blaming him. (I mean, he was able to ask for help right?)

But there has always been an issue of selfishness with him that is the thorn in our relationship. And my way of coping has been to fight or isolate or pout. None of these are very effective and usually make me feel like a brat anyway.

But going out and having fun or treating myself....I don't know.....they don't seem like a solution either. They seem more like a bandaid. Or a way of avoiding a difficult conversation.


I'm torn because not long ago, we got back together after being separated for two months. So I'm afraid to bring it up when I see our relationship going off course. But it's the only way he understands how serious I am.
BUT - ugh - -I know you can't threaten to break up with somebody constantly - I did that with my first boyfriend and that relationship ended in drama and tears. I KNOW it's not an option.

This stupid thing with the beads, set off a long thought process about how I feel like I help him at every turn and even drop whatever I'm doing because that's what being in a relationship is for.

So we're back to me going out for a nice meal, alone. I've been craving seafood and have a 5$ off coupon for Red Lobster. Should be ok I guess....but what do I say when he demands to know why I went without him?
I guess I just shouldn't care. He can't afford to go out anyway and I can't afford to pay for both of us, so that's that.
I'm sooo nervous - LOL - time to walk through fear!

[honeyspur]

I was sitting in silence last night when i finished writing the above journal entry.
A kind of mantra was going off in my head, Go to Red Lobster - Go to Red Lobster...
I imagined sinking my teeth in warm buttery shrimp, salty cheese bisquits and glasses of iced tea...

"What's wrong?" my boyfriend's voice broke me out of my vision.
I stared at him.

After a minute, I said, "I don't want to talk about it yet...."
He looked put off and and said ok, walking back into the den.
I sat for some time, deciding how to present my issue to him. No matter how I looked at it - there really was no "safe" way to talk about it.

My shrimp fantasy was fading slowly to black.

I took a deep breath and walked into the den. Sitting on the guest bed behind him, I watched him play his online character, a brightly colored cartoon racing over the digitized ground.

"Can I talk to you about something?" I said after awhile.
He tensed up and logged off, spinning his chair around to face me. He was not open to listening - it was clearly in his eyes.

"I'm just feeling like the changes we were making when we got back together are disappearing - I wonder why..."

"What do you mean?" he said, face screwing up in immediate distaste.

"I just think that when we got back together, we were focused on making time for each other in the day - being more equal - and now things are going back to the way they were before-"

"What are you trying to say? You want me to stop gaming?!"

My blood began to boil. This was an age old scene. The 999,000 times I had told him "No, I'm not saying stop gaming" was about to click over to 1,000,000.

Another deep breath.

"I've told you thousands of times that I don't care about your gaming - I game myself-"

"And YET," he interrupted me "you are always bringing this up when I'm gaming."
I balked. "You are always gaming though."
"I KNEW IT- "
"Do you want to work this out or fight?" I said, starting to get angry.
"I'm not fighting." he said curtly.
My voice went up, "Why can't I come to you with an issue and have it not turn into a fight??"
"I don't know, why can't you just deal with your issues and not come in here and attack me??"

This is another age old scene. I can't tell you how many times he uses the word "attack" instead of "confront".

"Aren't you being a little bit extreme?"
"Ok then," he said, crossing his arms "what are you asking for?"
"Could you please keep track of how long you've been playing so if several hours go by, I can have some time?"
"Huh!" he snorted, a nasty sneer on his lips "so you can decide you need MORE time later?"
"I don't understand why we are fighting when I keep telling you I don't want to....." I said in the tamest voice I could muster.
"Who's fighting? I asked, how many hours?!?"

It was here I started shouting.
"You know we agreed to this when we got back together - this was a condition you agreed to-"
His face fell and eyes began to well up with tears.
"I knew it - ok-" he stood up and went into the kitchen. I stared at the wall, my ears ringing.
"You've got a lot of nerve-" his voice shook as returned " to threaten me with breaking up-"
"What??" I exclaimed "I never said-"
"Yes you did."
"Noooo....I never said the words-"
"Yes you did." he insisted, grabbing the bathrobe on the bed and marching upstairs.

I sat there, regretting not going to Red Lobster.
I heard the shower turn on upstairs.
On his desktop wallpaper, was a huge snowy mountain landscape.
Just like him... I thought, venom dripping over the words ....an icy mountain.

My mind filled with violent thoughts. Of him sitting in the chair infront of me, me reaching out and stabbing his two eyes with my fingers, kicking him in the nuts and pounding his head into the wood floor.
"THAT'S AN ATTACK YOU MOTHERF-"

My mind snapped like rubber band back to reality.

Whoa.

I thought again how I should have gone to Red Lobster...


He returned, the same tense look on his face, but said nothing.
We sat there like that for probably twenty minutes. Occasionally a tear would fall. Songs on the television reflected the reality we were in.

"What's wrong with me" and "Why couples fight".
When the latter came on, he laughed, anger obviously subsiding.
"A song about couples fighting - great-" he commented.
I said nothing.

More time went by. Clearly he was no longer angry - and I was coming back to sanity as well.
Soon I heard the many tips I know on how to turn a fight off in my head.

Give compassion to the angry person. Forgive in the face of judgement. Be the first one to make-up. Admit your fault first and the other person will follow suit. Give them a hug-

I began to make silly faces. I got to the second one when he laughed. I lifted my arms up, the blanket draped over me creating a wide wingspan...

He laughed again.

I scooted over on the bed. "Come over here-" I said.
He went and got a tissue and lay next to me. We lay there, defeated and began to talk about it again, in more civil tones, arms wrapped about each other.
Soon it turned into a discussion about his job.
He was doubtful, another age old problem and condition on us getting back together.
As we talked, we began to debate over petty details.
Although I have a photographic memory and he has a very poor memory, we quibbled over something he told me in November when he started the job.
He had told me that it was a seasonal job and in January and Feburary his hours would go down to 20 hours a week. I remember this clearly. and have been ok with it - knowing I would have to cover some of his expenses.
But he was insisting now that he never said that or knew that and that his boss was an evil man who cared little for him.
We went back and forth and soon he erupted again.
But I remained calm, trying to point out that it was a pattern I'd watched him go through for ten years. He gets the job, is excited, but when it becomes routine he begins to focus on his negativity until he loses the job.
He stuck to the details about what he'd said back in November...
I stuck to my memory.
"That's NOT what I said-" he insisted.
"I don't care - I might be wrong, but I'm not going to lie just to make you happy." I said.
"That's crap!" he paced back and forth, "I never said those things - why won't you just-"

I pointed out how he was trying to get me to to jump on the negativity wagon with him and I wasn't going to do it.

The fog cleared from his eyes then and all his taut muscles went slack.
After standing there awhile, letting what I say sink in, he came back over by me and we lay again, defeated.
"You are right, you know..." his voice was low and even. He spoke with gentleness. "Just like my dad....he hated working, yet always had food on the table....."
Silence.
"I do think you have amazing positivity....and you shouldn't go into negativity with me -I see that now..."
"I had to be that way..." I said, head in the crook of his arm "my father never worked....he be gone for a few days sometimes....he never did anything to take care of me....and he was always depressed, always negative, talking about he was never going to amount to anything - what a terrible guy he was....."
He was listening.
"....so I knew being like that was not...the answer...."
"Yeah..." he said after a moment ".....I don't want you to go there with me.....I really don't....."
He kept talking, but I could not hear him - the memories of my father flipped like a picture book, in my mind.
Dots began to connect...pieces began to fit.....
ohmygodohmygod

My father was morbidy depressed and negative. My father was supported financially by the women in his life.

My boyfriend is morbidly depressed and negative. My boyfriend is supported financially by me.

My father told me I was wrong if I tried to tell him he'd be successful one day.

My boyfriend tells me I'm wrong when....

My skin frosted over and my heart went cold.

Omygod.....what am I doing???

"What are you thinking about?" my boyfriend cut in.

I just recreated my childhood!

"I was just thinking....." my voice was hollow "about my dad....."

My head dipped in my hands and I cried. My boyfriend cradled me, listening to me babble.


"He woke me up once, in the middle of the night and said, "C'mon we gotta go..." And we just drove around and he ranted about how he was the scum of the earth...he was lower than dirt...couldn't take care of us.....wasn't worth anything....I would say "No Daddy...I love you.....nothings wrong...." And he would YELL at me, telling me I was wrong, I had no idea who he was......he'd yell until I stopped....then rant.......he did that for years....and years....."

"But....." my boyfriend said, puzzled, "honey i'm not your dad.....I didn't sell drugs..."

"No don't you see?" I sobbed "It's ME-"
"It wasn't your fault-" he cut me off
"NO!!! I'm doing it again!!! I'm trying to fight negativity again - I've been on this mission -"

It all started falling into place and an eerie feeling came over me as I realized what I'd done.

I remember thinking, way back when my guy and I started dating - I remember thinking - 'I'm going to show this man. I'm going to prove to him he's special....he's worth something....I'm going to make him believe.'

"I can't do it anymore." I said. "I can't fight it anymore - I've been doing it my whole life.....I'm not going to do it anymore."

He held me and spoke in earnest, "Honey...I don't want you to. I love how positive you are...it's good..."

I looked at him right in the eye.

"You are on your own with that now." I told him. "If you are going to look at things in a negative way, when you are a buddhist and KNOW that everything has a good and bad side....you are gonna deal with it on your own."

He looked at me searchingly. "You know it's not bad that you try to make things positive....."
"Yes I know." I agreed "but I have to stop fighting. I fought my dad for years. And it had no effect on him. He's 55 years old and has nothing but a bad drug habit. It did not help him."

He was silent with me for a time, then we went upstairs to bed.

As we lay in the dark, he again brought up his work and how he was positive his co-worker was stabbing him the back. I started to argue again!

"No - nevermind - I'm doing it again." I said rolling over "I'm not getting into this again - you're on your own-"

"No - " he protested, trying to turn me over "I'll stop - I won't-"
"I LOVE you, ok??" I said firmly "don't go off again. Don't DO it." I was firm......

Moments passed....he pleaded again.
"STOP - I love you - everything is fine - you need to be ok with it." I repeated.

There was quiet at last.

We fell asleep.

My head filled with dreams........

[honeyspur]

As much as I realize the overall benefit of being in a relationship, I can never help wishing I was single and doing things on my own.
I know that when I actually AM single all I'm striving for is to be with somebody, so I realized this is a kind of backwards way of thinking.

I'm just not very good at dealing with aggression. That fight my boyfriend and I had a couple of days ago really showed me that. It took several hours to talk him down and I used every psychothereputic trick I knew. (Man - am I glad I spent practically 20 years studying this stuff - I probably would have killed him by now)

I never dealt with the kind of pain my guy went through. He was beaten by an alcoholic father and rarely saw his mother who left, probably to save herself. Aside from physical abuse, his father was very cynical and discouraging. I think also humiliating because he beat my guy in front of some of his friends once.

That said, I get really scared when my boyfriend gets hostile or aggressive with me in his tone of voice.
On one hand, I know his experience is what keeps him from being a violent guy -I'm not really afraid of that. But it's getting me to hide more - suppress more - and I know that is a choice. I simply don't know how to deal with aggression. And I think my boyfriend dishes it out so much because on some level because he's used to it.

Even though I try and struggle in vain to mellow him out or make my voice heard, it's more important I not engage.
I know a reason I engage is because I'm not sure what not engaging will do. The unknown is always way scarier.....

[honeyspur]

When I sat down to this here, laptop, I was greeted by a folded piece of paper. On it were little hearts and diamonds written in colored marker. Here's what it said:

"Honey,
I love you very much! Hope u have a great day, see you soonly

Love, Jay


p.s - I love you more than anything"


And, you know...I just started crying, because - this is going to sound corny, but I'd just been thinking what our vows would be to each other when (or if!) we get married.
Plus, one of the conditions to getting back together was for him to start dishing out some romance and sentiment more regularly.

So here I am with a sweet little note, hoping he comes home soon.
I think my whiplash from the fight a few days ago is gone and I get back to trying to have fun with him.
Maybe we should cook together or something. It's still so damn frozen outside....not a speck of snow or ice has melted.
But at least the ground is freezing up this way and the trees will stop falling over!

Tomorrow I'm going to Karen's for a "book club" my friends are starting.
Karen is someone I met through Ingrid, who is someone I met through my best friend Sally, who I've known since we were 14.
Karen's married with 2 boys and she seems a very focused mom.

I really like Karen and sense wants to get closer to me - the way she and Ingrid are. I don't know why I've waited this long to do it. I met her, like, 2 years ago and felt it then. Something about that vibe I get makes me uncomfortable. Although it's a natural thing to start out slow, I've always seemed to get...I dunno...irritated is the only word I can think of, but that seems too harsh....
I just like people to be direct. Like Sally and Ingrid were. Within days, we made efforts to start our friendship.
I was very direct with Ingrid. After getting invited over to her house for a get-together, I called and asked if she wanted to go Christmas shopping.
We were able to be together, just us two and set things in stone.

Maybe I'm just scared to have a big group of friends again. I was erasing some voicemails today and I heard one from Ron, a little after New Years. He sounded very business-like!
I just am not ready to call and chat with him. I KNOW he either hooked up with someone else immediately or got back to his wife. I can't really see that helping him - but who am I to judge??

still haven't recieved the bloody clasps I ordered off ebay so I can't make any jewelry. I'm B-R-O-K-E, so I can't go to the bead store over on Jackson....and my mom comes home and gives me a pile of new beads!!

[honeyspur]

A very progressive day with cleaning. I was able to really get some work done that makes a difference. I am inspired to head out to the store and get storage boxes to pack more stuff away...

For once, it looks like my boyfriend had a full day. I'm sure he's happy because that's more $$, of course.
But having him gone all day is nice once in awhile.
I feel like I can really work without being distracted by him or just by wanting to be with him.

I feel so lucky sometimes. It's inspired me in terms of decorating my house. I've started envisioning each room and it's layout.
I'd love to do my basement in a real gothic revival style.
Gargoyles and long twisted, black spindles...the whole thing.

[honeyspur]

Yesterday proved to be a great day.
I spent my hours studying my brain research, carefully mapping out the spinal column.
I would think, from time to time, about my guy and how he'd mentioned us going out walking in the snow so I could take photographs. I pictured us, hand in hand, gently drifting through the snow, a twinkling, powdery landscape spanning around us.

It was his day off and he was playing his computer. And these last few days, very good at getting off it after a few hours and coming to find me - as we talked about.
So as I dilegently studied, I'd remind myself of this and felt no anxiety to spend time with him.

At some point in the early afternoon, he came upstairs and flopped on the bed next to me. We talked and joked around, then went downstairs to the den.
"Want to go walk around and take pictures....?" he asked out of nowhere.
I jumped on this chance, impressed at his mind-reading ability and got bundled up.
"Don't forget to put on your hood..." he said as we walked out to the car.
The snow was falling in large, thick flakes, piling up quickly.
We started to drive.
"Where should we go?" he asked, heading east.
"I don't know..." I admitted, my camera stuffed into my pocket.
"There's Butterfly Park..."
I didn't answer, thinking it was too crowded there. I wanted silence and expansive isolation.
"There's the dam...."
"Oooh....ok..." I said, lighting up at the idea. All those lines - the water, the bridge, the great brown building jutting up from the earth....

So we headed out on the curved road of Huron River Drive, banked by willow trees and cattails.
"There's a park here..." he said suddenly "..should we go here?"
"Sure." I followed his spontaneity and we turned into the parking lot.
It was a bird sanctuary. I'd lived in this town my whole life, but had never been there.
It was quiet and daunting, with it's sky high skeletal trees and crumbled underbrush, disguised by a sugary, alabaster glow.
White sky reflected off white snow.
The recent snowstorms had weighed down the trees and brush, overwhelming them. some trees had simply fallen over, the earth underneath still soft and warm.
Hand in hand we walked, I followed his lead, climbing over tree trunks and ducking under sparkling, crystaline branches.
The forest deepened, and we came across a couple joggers with their dogs.
A large hill with a rich bunch of pines lured us off the path and we climed to see what was at the top.
In the shodaow of the pines was a carefully constructed tee-pee.
Cautiously we approached it, No one was inside and we walked around it, marvelling at the definitive shape and little window.

We moved on, coming to a grand cliff with a heavy drop down, revealing a wide basin of snow and brush.
Dwarfed by the scene, we stood and stared. Snowflakes clung to my hair, and my camera had run out of battery power. We walked on until we came to a brook. The highway was in the distance and we turned heading back.

"There's a giant gorge around here somewhere..." he said, looking up and down the ragged hills.
But soon we were standing in someone's backyard, quite alarmingly so and quickly veered off again. My shoes had lost traction, so now I was falling a lot.

The quiet and the pine smell.
The tumbling of the vines and the redness of the snowberries.

"Are we lost?" I wanted to know, the backs of my legs wet from falling.
"Well....I thought we were near to the gorge...but I wasn't expecting that to be Huron River Drive..." he sighed, looking at the road.
We bumbled and slid our way down the hill, "If I die...I leave my money to my mom.....you can have my comic book collection..." I told him when we reached the pavement.
"Glad you're looking out for me..." he commented, pulling me away from the road as cars passed.

"See...if this is Sunset up here....my mind is going to be completely blown....we really walked far..."
He was talking about Sunset road, not far from his childhood home and the school he went to.
We had walked really far.

Well, after awhile he says,
"Hey, wanna do some Conan the Barbarian roleplaying?"
"Uh - ok - what are you-"
"You be the Frost giant's daughter and I'll be Conan chasing you from that scene-"
"Oh yeah - ok!" I said, recalling the scene in the book we'd been reading.
I started running down the middle of the street screaming like a bimbo and flailing my arms around in a wild flurry while he chased behind, shouting, "Don't be afraid, wench! I don't have time for this!" his hand firmly grasping an invisible axe.

We laughed for awhile over this and he said,
"Are you having fun?"
"Yes." I said.
We walked along the road.
"You know what?" I asked.
"What?" he said, walking backwards, so he could face me.
"Earlier today when I was upstairs, I was daydreaming about you asking me to go out for a walk in the snow...."
His smile was bright and fine, like the rays of the sun and all flickering glints of a Brazillian goldmine.
"....and then you did it for real. That takes some real mind-reading..." I said, smiling back at him.
We kissed, pausing there on the road, cars passing.

When we got into the car and headed out to Zingerman's, our cheeks were rosy and my pants were soaked, but the coffee never tasted better and the warmth went right through me.
Pasta and shrimp, puddled in wine and butter. Coffe and tea.
And we were tucked in a corner, praising the day and feeling the lightness of ease - in our true friendship...

[honeyspur]

No coffe yet??

AAAAHH NOOO IT'S TOO WEIRD!!


So last night, as I was talking to my man on the cell phone, my hands scrubbing the dishes...he's on his latest rant, but at least it's on a positive note,

"......I just suddenly got really pissed off about how long it was taking, but it doesn't matter I guess...."

"Yeah," I said, hot water streaming over the coffe mug

"It's the same either way...I'm either mad I have no hours or I'm mad I have too many...."

"Right,"

".....so it's just something I gotta.........ah ***??........"

There was a stream of cursing.

"Are you ok?" I asked, puzzled.

More cursing, something like.....breaking?

"Are you ok??" I asked again.
I looked at our roomate, Mrrr, who looked alarmed.

His phone shut off.

Mrrr and I stared at each other.
"I think he had an accident."

And so it was. when he called me back a few minutes later - clearly not hurt, but about to lose his mind. This was a huge test in acceptance and positivity.

But it was there, I assured him. He had insurance and they would tow it and fix it for free. He could borrow my car until it was fixed and I was on my way to wait for the police to come and take the report.

And I could hear it in his voice as he ranted...but I just kept saying, "That's why it's called an accident."

He was fairly relaxed - an unbelievable achievement for him, in my opinion. He filed his claim, got the car towed and even had time for watching 'Extras' on tv.

"Thanks for being so nice to me...." he said, soft and low as we dropped off to sleep.

Hey - it ain't no thang.

[honeyspur]

I have an announcement to make......

I finally cleaned my attic/bedroom!!!!!!!!!
No more insane clutter!!! This is the first time in 2 years!!!!!!

Okay.


Things are going ok otherwise. Still waiting on my boyfriend's car to get fixed. He has to pay a 500 dollar deductable before they fix it, so I guess i won't be getting as much money from him this month as I thought.
This makes me uneasy because we got back together only after he committed to paying me 600 dollars towards the mortgage and bills.

I know he has to fix his car, but last month I didn't get any either because his hours were so low.
At least he is being pretty nice to me. No fights or irritable behavior. He even apologized last night when he came to bed,
"We didn't get much time together tonight, did we?"
"No..." I said, groggily. (I had gone to bed early.)
"I will stop playing the game tomorrow by eight...I forgot....I'm sorry.."
"It's ok..."

It really was. He's been getting home late these days and I let him alone since he only has a few hours before he has to go to bed. I really didn't mind. Plus, I started playing my game again, City of Villains, since I finished making my Christmas gifts (60 bracelets - holy bats!).

Today, the pest control guy comes. He's been coming once a month since November, to get rid of the mice.
They really got out of control and I could hear them every day, all day, for awhile, there.
Ugh - that horrible chewing sound......like they were 3 times their size!!


I've been thinking about Ron lately....he sent me an email a couple weeks ago and I finally answered it yesterday. He hasn't sent anything yet.
I wonder if he will. He said he missed me - but had gone on a date with his ex. I wonder if he does miss me or just said it to sound nice. My feeling is, he probably has to focus on her if he's plann ing to get back together.

I can't help thinking that I tried to keep them together in the beginning, but fell into his persuasive web instead. Not that I wasn't interested, but I did ignore all of my instincts - I must've heard myself say every day that I shouldn't get involved.
But I was too curious and wondered if I wasn't passing up the best guy in the world. And I think I wanted to believe he was going to get divorced faster than is realistically expected. I mean, it takes awhile to go through...I've never been divorced, so how should I know?
Something in me just thought, 'If he hasn't even signed for separation and he thinks he's moving in with me in a month....something's rotten in Denmark...."
Maybe that's still true....I'm pretty sure they still never filed. I'll bet he'll move back in by next month...especially if they went on a "date". They were together for 14 years. A few months separation is probably nothing to them.

I do miss him - but our friendship was so sexually charged, I'm not sure how real of a friendship it was. I want to say it was real - it felt real - and we acted like buddies at times. But it didn't take long for me to feel the pressure his wife must have felt for years.

You have to satify Ron or he will cheat on you.

He cheated on his wife twice and had several online trysts. Eventually, she cheated on him too and they spent some time, avoiding each other, but keeping up the parental duty.

He told me he'd never cheat and it was because we were more compatible and he'd learned from his marriage.
But those last weeks of our relationship - where he was increasingly anxious if I was not available at his beck and call.....his 'sweet - talk" beginning to sound mindless instead of meaningful.....it just didn't seem like something we should work on anymore.

And my good friend, who I met on eNotalone, had told me I might want to not date anyone in the midst of my break-up...and I knew she was right.

The original plan - for him to get some therapy and work on his marriage came back at me in full force and I knew if I let him move here, that soon after it would all come back to bite me in the ***.
Ron needed to change and getting involved with him didn't help.
I should have stuck to my platonic intentions - if I had...would he have eventually backed off? Or just pursued me relentlessly until I cracked? (Which is what it felt like.)

I still remember how romantic and exciting it was - our relationship - meeting each others friends and family - even the idea that we would be married someday and I would be a stepmom.
Now it just seems like my head was full of brambles - a thorny mess.

I do want to be friends - but how realistic is that? I couldn't deal with how flirtatious he was and that was just on the Internet! We'd play that game together and have all these other girls in my group and his innuendo would be nonstop! He'd constanty validate me in front of them - I mean they got the point that we were together...but it seems a confusing message to put out: "I'm with this girl, but you still need to know I'm constantly thinking about sex somehow". I think any shady girl would see that as an opportunity to try something when I wasn't around.

That was one of the biggest reasons I began to appreciate Jay again because he wasn't like that at all. I can count on one hand the number of times I saw him openly flirt with a girl and both times I understood why.

With Ron, it was any girl, any age, it didn't matter.
I kept wondering if it had to do with his self esteem, but he was so outgoing and articulate. He never seemed "off" or like he was faking.
He also seemed kind of surprised that I was jealous. I got the impression that he thought any guy would act like he did and it truly was harmless behavior.

I guess it's debatable. I mean, if you flirt and never do anything - what really is the problem? Even if some girl hits on you - you just tell her no - right?

Well, anyway, like I said, I appreciated Jay's low profile after that. I know now what it means when they say, "as long as he doesn't give you a reason to be jealous..."