relationship with a single mother

werty · 01-10-2007, 05:46 PM

hello i need some opinions from relationship experts out there about my situation...

ive been in a relationship with a single mother of a 3-month old baby for almost 1 month now. reason she is a single mom coz her baby's father is underaged. the father as she said sometimes gives money for support, but she told me that their realationship is unclear long ago. all the father is doin now is give her financial support, which happens only if he has money and be there to drive her if she needs something to buy for the baby, or fetches her from work(because she is walking distance from her home and its quite unsafe for her to go home alone since her off-duty is 10pm which is late already).other than that, they both dont have any other contacts with each other(like dates or such).ok i gues the pciture can be ssen a bit already...

what im trying to say is that IF i want this relation to really happen, and last long.. does it me she has to disconnect herself from the father?since she already said that she doesnt love him anymore? what would i do or say or how would i say this to her...

btw, all of us are just neighboors, she is 20 im 28 so i gues thats old enough, i guess....

Scout · 01-10-2007, 05:50 PM

Hi, and welcome to eNotalone.

You say that if you two proceed further in your relationship, you're wondering if this means she should "disconnect" from her baby's father. Now, what you've described so far doesn't sound threatening to your relationship, and it sounds like it's somewhat of a help to her. Plus, they do have a child together.

In what way would you want them to "disconnect"?

BornToResist · 01-10-2007, 05:52 PM

She will NEVER be able to disconnect herself from the father. This is going to be a life-long connection that you or anybody else cannot break.

If you have a problem with it, I suggest you move on to someone with less 'complications,' I guess you could say.

werty · 01-10-2007, 06:07 PM

well, sorry if i somehow wasnt clear... of course they both will still have connection but only on child support, right? and nothing more, nothing less, nothing else in between...right

Scout · 01-10-2007, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by werty

well, sorry if i somehow wasnt clear... of course they both will still have connection but only on child support, right? and nothing more, nothing less, nothing else in between...right

No, there will be many issues, many details about their child's upbringing they will consult about, not just finances, although that will be a big part. They will probably both be at the child's school events, birthday parties, holidays, doctor's appointments, all sorts of things, and I imagine his family will be involved with these things, too.

Frankly, I'm rather surprised all this hasn't occurred to you.

shikashika · 01-10-2007, 07:11 PM

Wow... my personal opinon would be to leave because it sounds like there is too much baggage already...(only me mind you!)

Her baby is only 3 months old... and you have known here since the baby is 2 months old... i would think that she would have more important things to look after (her baby!!!!) than dating someone... especially when things aren't clear with the father and he was underage.... again what does that say about her?!?

this is only my opinion, but to me, thats not giving the baby the full attention it needs.. and that to me, says a lot about an individual like that. newborns take a lot of time and care and I would HOPE that almost 100% of her time would be devoted to her baby

you say" she is old enough ... i guesss"

you dont' sound too sure... if you aren't sure, then i would say don't be in the relationship. From what you've said, ti sounds like her age concerns you

sweetheart21 · 01-10-2007, 08:53 PM

No it wont just be "child support and thats it". The father will be a part of her life (& yours) for the next 18 years or more. The father does have a right to see the child and be a part of its life. The fathers family may also want to see their grandchild.
It sounds like they have a pleasent relationship at the moment. Be careful that you dont cause problems between them because it would be so much easier if everyone gets along.
Think carefully about getting involved with somebody with a child. She will always put the child before you, so if you are uncomfortable with this then move on now before you get too involved.

werty · 01-11-2007, 02:27 AM

yes, thank you for everyone's input. yes im aware of these kind of things to happen. im also aware that her child comes first always and i have experienced that already, and i know the right of the father as her sons father that is, but if i go on with this relationship, it can happen right? especially if she doesnt love him anymore and dont wanna marry him even if the guy reaches 18. i dont know, maybe im cursed with hidden,confusing relationships like this....

Scout · 01-11-2007, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by werty

yes, thank you for everyone's input. yes im aware of these kind of things to happen. im also aware that her child comes first always and i have experienced that already, and i know the right of the father as her sons father that is, but if i go on with this relationship, it can happen right? especially if she doesnt love him anymore and dont wanna marry him even if the guy reaches 18. i dont know, maybe im cursed with hidden,confusing relationships like this....

If you have been down this road before and it didn't work out, then why get involved in a similar relationship? Our life is our choices, things don't just randomly happen to us because we're "cursed" or something.

valiantv · 01-11-2007, 09:09 PM

Erm... I'm not sure from your post that they have broken up!

Quote:

reason she is a single mom coz her baby's father is underaged

I'm not really sure I get this... What would have happened if he wasn't underaged? Would they still be together? Sounds like that's the only reason he left, and that's not a good reason! 3 months? Doesn't sound like they were going out that long ago (Or did they break up as soon as she found out she was pregnant?)

In any case, I don't think you can get her to distance herself from the dad, as he has every right to see his kid! We can't advise you whether she is right when she says they don't love each other any more...

And yeah it can happen! You might have to accept the possibility the dad will resent you by the way.

I too am with a single mom, but that dad is nowhere to be seen...

01-10-2007, 05:46 PM	#1
werty Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 12	relationship with a single mother hello i need some opinions from relationship experts out there about my situation... ive been in a relationship with a single mother of a 3-month old baby for almost 1 month now. reason she is a single mom coz her baby's father is underaged. the father as she said sometimes gives money for support, but she told me that their realationship is unclear long ago. all the father is doin now is give her financial support, which happens only if he has money and be there to drive her if she needs something to buy for the baby, or fetches her from work(because she is walking distance from her home and its quite unsafe for her to go home alone since her off-duty is 10pm which is late already).other than that, they both dont have any other contacts with each other(like dates or such).ok i gues the pciture can be ssen a bit already... what im trying to say is that IF i want this relation to really happen, and last long.. does it me she has to disconnect herself from the father?since she already said that she doesnt love him anymore? what would i do or say or how would i say this to her... btw, all of us are just neighboors, she is 20 im 28 so i gues thats old enough, i guess....

01-10-2007, 05:50 PM	#2
Scout Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 7,292	Hi, and welcome to eNotalone. You say that if you two proceed further in your relationship, you're wondering if this means she should "disconnect" from her baby's father. Now, what you've described so far doesn't sound threatening to your relationship, and it sounds like it's somewhat of a help to her. Plus, they do have a child together. In what way would you want them to "disconnect"? __________________ If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. * * * One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. - Dale Carnegie * * * Bob Ross rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOpF_ZGD4Ps

01-10-2007, 05:52 PM	#3
BornToResist Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,846	She will NEVER be able to disconnect herself from the father. This is going to be a life-long connection that you or anybody else cannot break. If you have a problem with it, I suggest you move on to someone with less 'complications,' I guess you could say. __________________ “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” - Robert Gary Lee

01-10-2007, 06:07 PM	#4
werty Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 12	well, sorry if i somehow wasnt clear... of course they both will still have connection but only on child support, right? and nothing more, nothing less, nothing else in between...right

01-10-2007, 07:11 PM	#6
shikashika Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 5,299	Wow... my personal opinon would be to leave because it sounds like there is too much baggage already...(only me mind you!) Her baby is only 3 months old... and you have known here since the baby is 2 months old... i would think that she would have more important things to look after (her baby!!!!) than dating someone... especially when things aren't clear with the father and he was underage.... again what does that say about her?!? this is only my opinion, but to me, thats not giving the baby the full attention it needs.. and that to me, says a lot about an individual like that. newborns take a lot of time and care and I would HOPE that almost 100% of her time would be devoted to her baby you say" she is old enough ... i guesss" you dont' sound too sure... if you aren't sure, then i would say don't be in the relationship. From what you've said, ti sounds like her age concerns you

01-10-2007, 08:53 PM	#7
sweetheart21 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Australia, Perth Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 256	No it wont just be "child support and thats it". The father will be a part of her life (& yours) for the next 18 years or more. The father does have a right to see the child and be a part of its life. The fathers family may also want to see their grandchild. It sounds like they have a pleasent relationship at the moment. Be careful that you dont cause problems between them because it would be so much easier if everyone gets along. Think carefully about getting involved with somebody with a child. She will always put the child before you, so if you are uncomfortable with this then move on now before you get too involved.

01-11-2007, 02:27 AM	#8
werty Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 12	yes, thank you for everyone's input. yes im aware of these kind of things to happen. im also aware that her child comes first always and i have experienced that already, and i know the right of the father as her sons father that is, but if i go on with this relationship, it can happen right? especially if she doesnt love him anymore and dont wanna marry him even if the guy reaches 18. i dont know, maybe im cursed with hidden,confusing relationships like this....