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16 yr old girls sleeping together


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I am in the unfortunate position of having my 20 yr marriage dissolve right before my eyes. Seems like I am helpless to stop it. One of the factors is I am "daring" to speak up concerning some of the behavior of my 16yr old daughter. She has a 15 yr old girl friend who very frequently sleeps over, and they sleep in the same double bed. Of course these kids have had lots of sleepovers over the years, but I think it is time to stop. We have a empty guest room with adjoining bathroom which her friend is free to use. I am not against girls/women sleeping together, like on a trip or something because of convenience, but what has been happening is this kid is VERY often spending weekends at my house, 2 nts, and that is just a followup from the summer, when she was staying 3 out of 4 nights. I actually don't think anything is going on, the girls are quite boy crazy, but it is time to stop and grow up. What do you think? My wife thinks I am being totally irrational and mean and now she makes up that I am accusing my daughter of being a lesbian, which is sicko. Thanks dear! You really know how to use your power as a mother.

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Are you serious? My daughter is 17 and she has her friends stay over all the time.....and they sleep in the same bed.

 

My daughter has had the same bf going on two years. She is still a virgin...and NOT into girls in that kind of way.

 

Why on earth would you have a problem with them sleeping in the same bed? They're kids....and girls just do that.

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You would stake a marriage on wheather your daughter has a friend over or not?

Are you sure you are not trying to get a divorce and using this as a reason.?

The way you put it, you sound irrational.

20 years is a long time to throw down the tube based on sleep overs. What if she is a lesbain? Or they are just giggly 16 year old girls?

This is worth a marriage?

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I think you are probably overreacting too. You might be looking at this from a guy's persective - as in if you had a 15 year old son that was sleeping in the same bed as his male friend. Teen guys don't do that (unless there actually is something going on) but girls are less phobic and more affectionate with each other. Ever notice how teen girls hug each other and link arms etc sometimes? It's just different for them.

That's my opinion anyway.

I'd drop this issue and investigate the other issues that are causing problems in your marriage.

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thanks for the answer ladies. it has more to do than with just the sleepovers. I have two daugthers that I would like to be raised in a certain way, my oldest is 100% class(18, my youngest 16, is going astray. Much of this started about 2 yrs ago when she picked up this new friend call her Ann. Ann parents are going through a divorce, she lives with her mother, mother apparently is never home, certainly she NEVER participates in driving her daugther and mine around(or very rarely) on weekends on in the summer. She has a respectable job but from different people i have heard she has an alcohol problem.

 

I don't like Ann, she is not the worst, she is apparently smart. but i feel she is a bad influence on my daughter and offers her nothing, it is more than coincidence that my daughter has gone "downhill" mentally and socially since hanging with Ann. They are more and more inseparable and lately have been taking us to having them drive them 15 miles to another school district to "hang" with boys I know nothing about.

 

New years day I woke up and they had been together almost totally since Friday evening, Ann was in her P.J.'s again in my house on Saturday 3pm, just waking up from being out till 3Am friday nt. which my wife gladly picked them up. "girls will be girls" and she is having fun my wife would say. My wife just feels sorry for daughter. I voiced my opinion monday am and holy hell broke loose. This girl has her own family, her own nest, i have mine that i built for my kids. We are extremely Generous in having kids over, but this is going way to far. This same little Ann was staying over 4-5nts per week this summer.

 

>What does having a sleep over or not have to do with being a grown up?

this is not a sleepover but "roomates", this is not a sorority house. now my wife is saying i am acussing my daugther of being a lesbian. oh by the way, last nt at 11:15(thurs school nt) some very creepy 18 yr old boy in a bandana was creeping down the steps, leaving my house, no one knew he was here.

 

No i don't think girls sleeping together means anything on a sleepover. But when it is going on 2x/wk or more, enough is enough. And yes, my daugther is more of a woman than she knows, and things can happen. Why push it. Again, not against it, but the frequency is causing alarm bells to go off.

 

overall, things are very bad around here, and this is just a small part of it. i guess it has to do with very different opinions of child raising and what childhood is all about and what the responsibility of a "parent" is. Personally, I don't think my responsiblity is to make sure every little whim of my daugther is satisfied, but more to prepare her for this world, which can be cruel.

 

i turned out all right!

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Ah! A bandana? [-o

 

I'm sorry HC, I still have to side with your wife..lol

I guess you would consider me an awful parent then. I have helped raise half of my sons friends....because their parents didn't give a crap about them...but I did! They would spend entire summers with us. I helped buy their clothes...did their laundry...cooked their dinners....eh!

 

I love kids...if they're in need then I'm available to help. Why be selfish when a child needs your attention and guidance? Maybe you should feel blessed that you actually have a chance to make a huge difference in this girls life!

 

Maybe she was brought to you for a reason. You wont go broke feeding her...or giving her a stable place to stay. Take this time to make a positive influence in her life. There are children in this life who need an adult to take the time to say...I CARE! I care what happens to you.

 

You do however have the right to tell these girls what the rules are and to enforce them. NO BOYS IN THE BEDROOM! Visiting hours are such and such...your curfew is .......

 

My mother did this for a couple of our friends too....and now, I have one of my daughters friends that we have most of the time as well.

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>Ah! A bandana? [-o

that did come out so funny, kids don't know about my grateful dead bandana days and i'll keep it that way.

 

>Why be selfish when a child needs your attention and guidance? Maybe you should feel blessed that you actually have a chance to make a huge difference in this girls life!

 

exactly! that's the point. this girl is a little waif. she gets no attention or "guidance" from me, in fact she never talks to us, we know nothing about her, she runs right upstairs in our large house and stays in my kids bedroom, no hello, no goodbye, no this is what is going on these days. then i just hear her giggling and giggling like some fool. I love kids and I feel I could be a good teacher to kids cause i've lived a life with alot of experiences, but this kid brings nothing to our household.

 

>There are children in this life who need an adult to take the time to say...I CARE! I care what happens to you.

again, i have absolutely no idea what is happening in her life, nothing.

 

>You do however have the right to tell these girls what the rules are and to enforce them.

no, i don't, not in my household, i'm squat, just the breadwinner, has always been that way, better to keep my male mouth shut. or This will happen.

 

>My mother did this for a couple of our friends too....

i'm all for teaching and helping people and my life shows it. but my responsiblity is to raise my own kid, and worry about how they are turning out. I can barely affect my own kid, let alone some other kid i know nothing about. and besides, i am not affecting the stranger or influencing her whatsoever, that is the sad part.

 

i'm going to keep trying and do what know is right and best for my kid.

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Something this trivial is dissolving your marriage...? When I was reading this I thought it was a joke at first.

 

What is your daughter's friend's homelife like? Maybe she satys with you to get away from a stressful situation. When my sister was a teenager she had friends stay over a lot, and she stayed with friends a lot. I don't understand how something like this could end a marriage.

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Wow, the fact that Ann doesn't interact with you at all seems a bit rude to me. I would ALWAYS thank my friends' parents when they let me stay over at their house. I can understand why you're irritated. There seems to be a lack of respect and appreciation. What would happen if you mentioned that to your wife or daughter?

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1. There's nothing wrong with teenage girls sleeping in the same bed. I used to do it all the time....and we talked and giggled until we fell asleep.

 

2. Best friends like to spend lots of time together, especially teenage girl best friends.

 

3. Your house is obviously a safe haven.....would you rather they both hung about on a street corner without telling you where they were or asking for a lift?

 

4. This friend of your daughters can clearly sense you don't like her and is probably scared of talking to you. She probably runs in and upstairs because she wants to stay out of your way.

 

5. Don't compare your daughters....they're different people, with different personalities and will never be the same. You're favouring your elder daughter because she conforms to your ideal. Just because your younger daughter doesn't conform to your ideal it doesn't make her a tearaway, classless ho.

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I always used to sleep with my girl-friends up till quite recently - you were going to be up all night analysing, talking, giggling etc, so why pretend about it? It's the age thing as well, they have a whole world going on.

 

Lay down boundaries by all means - some great advice here. But think carefully about *why* it's annoying you. Your daughter is 16, and on the verge of leaving your care as a little girl and becoming a young woman. To me, it sounds like you are desperately trying to hang on to the days when you can call all the shots regarding her upbringing. And you will end up fighting for years - is that worth it?

 

If Anne is there all the time, maybe you could ask them to limit it to a couple of nights a week or something. But seriously, it's the holidays, and they have been hanging out together and having fun. I can't quite see why you want to stop all this, unless you have other family activities planned, in which case just tell your daughter this.

 

Your initial post - which you've moved away from a little - about how you want your daughter's friend to sleep in the spare room etc - just let it go. Girls/women do this - it's nice. Friendships at that age are SO intense - peer groups are more important than family to teenagers, it's hard, but it just *is*. Some great posts from other parents here, which made a lot of sense to me.

 

Choose your battles wisely - I don't think this is remotely worth ripping your family apart for, and causing a lot of misery.

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i am glad to get the advice of your ladies, but i don't think you really get it. first of all i am not some insensitive man. I employ 10 women and have for 20 yrs. but I don't think anyone here understands that who you hang around plays a very big role in how you turn out in life. we are not just what we are because of random events. prior to this girl, my daugther had great friends, all whom brought some "light" into my house. Now my daugther has this very tight friend, and guess what, all those "good" kids are out of the picture and made fun of.

 

To me the sleeping together just means their blood is mixing more and more. What about Ann's family? All i know is that parents are getting divorced and mom is likely alcoholic. Why does Ann's mom NEVER drive these kids anywhere? never, where is she? Doesn't anyone here think that might affect the kind of kid Ann is? I do, and I can see it. Oh, how I would love to be the hero and play father to Ann, give her advice, share some laughs etc. It never happens.

 

What really happened here is that one month ago I took my daughter, Ann and another kid on a 3 day trip where I was with the kids 24/7, that really opened my eyes to the negative influence this Ann is having on my kid. It is just a simple matter of looking at the facts. I can't pick my childs friends, and with my family situation with my lenient wife, I can't forbit my kids from hanging with Ann, but I can certainly put a "reasonable" lid on it. They don't need to be together 24/7, that simple. There can be boundaries. What is so hard about that. The sleeping together is just a small part of it, and I guess one way for me to drive a very small wedge between these maturing women.

 

Isn't is great, my daugther is in a nice school district, and I was always driving her to good kids houses from respectable families, now I am driving her and dropping her off 15 miles away to families/kids I know nothing about. These kids are up to no good, someone has to let them know there are better directions to take in life.

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You sound like a bit of a snob there, no offence or anything, but you do.

 

Perhaps instead of judging people on where they live ect you could actually find out about them first? Make the effort to get to know the other families of the kids your daughter is hanging around with. If you try and drive a wedge between her and her friends you will alienate your daughter to the point where she resents everything you claim to be for her own good.

 

I hung around with friends that my dad considered not respectable enough when I was younger but because my parents trusted me and had brought me up with decent morals/values and so on I turned out pretty well. Kids can sense when you don't trust them. And if you've brought your daughter up well so far and taught her the ability to stand up for herself then you shouldn't have anything to worry about.

 

And what about the positive influence that your daughter might be having on this Ann? Ever thought of that?

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hardcharger, you've received some terrific advice from females of all ages. They've been letting you know that this is what teenage girls do and they've tried to reassure you.

 

Now hear the advice from a fellow father - if you continue the way you are going you are going to lose both your wife and your daughter. Your daughter is 16, not 6. Your role is changing from commander to advisor whether you like it or not. Fighting it is only going to make things worse. Your daughter is changing, thus you must also change or get left behind.

 

One of the skills you must convey to your daughter is her ability to be independent. And that means making her own choices. You must guide, and not command. If you command, then you invite rebellion and she's going to do things you object to on purpose because it is the only way she can establish herself.

 

Why does it matter if her friend's parents are divorced and her mom is an alcoholic? That doesn't dictate the kind of person her friend is, she can't help the circumstances that she is raised in. Perhaps her friend needs your daughter as a helpful influence in her life and maybe your family can provide a safe place for her to be and where she can go if she is in trouble.

 

As a teen, your friends are everything. Hanging out with them is what it's all about. The life with the parents gets less and less important. And that is a normal and healthy thing. You can't choose her friends or dictate things. You need to provide basic rules and guidelines and let things run their course. You must begin to let go.

 

Your daughter is going to be exposed to all sorts of people with all sorts of motivations. You cannot shelter her from it, and you should not even try. What you need to do is keep an open line of communication and give her the tools she needs to make the right choices on her own. And she will also need to fail sometimes in order to learn. That's when she comes back to mom and dad to be picked up, dusted off, and sent on her way again.

 

This may kill you inside, but you've got to learn to let go. If you don't, then I see your daughter at age 21 coming to your wife (or worse, your now ex-wife) saying "I need to talk to you because Dad won't understand". And you'll drift away from her and it will hurt much, much worse.

 

Buck up my fellow father. This is one of our rights of passage. We've got to let our little girls grow up and become the woman they are destined to be. Have faith and trust that you've raised her right. Let her stretch her wings and be there to catch her if she falls. She'll thank you for it later.

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some of what you've said made alot of sense Avman. But understand this, many parents who have "families" that I admire with kids this age, would NEVER EVER let this go on as long as it did.

 

>Perhaps her friend needs your daughter as a helpful influence in her life and maybe your family can provide a safe place for her to be and where she can go if she is in trouble.

 

I have hardly any idea on what is going on at this other girls home, I do wonder where and why her mother can not participate in any of the running around, and why her mother seems to think it is fine if she stays day after day at my house. I don't think our family is having any influence whatsoever on this friend, because we don't interact with her. See, this all hit home after a trip a month ago, when i spent time with this kid and saw how terribly immature she is for her age. And as far as my daughter having influence on this other kid, no, it is otherwise, ever since she has come around here, my daughter has only gone DOWNHILL in many different ways. This kid has been a very bad influence, and again, I am not trying to break up the friendship, just putting some realistic limits on it.

 

I live in this house, we have always been open to having kids friends over, much more than other parents, realize that first and foremost, we drive must more than other parents,(somewhat country setting), again first and foremost. Doesn't anyone here think I have some right to my Privacy of the household I created without having some bad influence moving in on my weekends, seeing her walking around in her p.j.'s on a sat afternoon in my refrigerator, hardly giving me the time of day? I am not the bad man I might seem to be. I would like to see how many people have done the driving and kid sitting i have.

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I had a friend like Ann when I was your daughters age. Her mother was a freak and was constantly throwing her out of the house, yelling at her and so on. She always called me and my mum (and my dad) on occasions always drove me over to collect her and bring her back to our house. She stayed overnight a lot, we fed her, she wore my clothes, she used our facilities, our phone to speak to her mum......everything. My dad didn't necessarily like it but he accepted it because she was my best friend and trusted me to make my own judgement and decisions.

 

I also had a friend, a boy, who lived on the "wrong side of town", with a dysfunctional family and he smoked, took drugs and didn't care about school. But he was my friend so I and my family accepted him for who he was.

 

What this boils down to is you don't trust your daughter, and nor do you trust your ability as a parent so far to have instilled good morals/values/independence in her. So now, you're scared that she'll go off the rails. Again, as I said, if you've done your job as a parent properly up till now you shouldn't have anything to worry about.

 

There's nothing wrong with placing down a few boundaries but you have to trust your daughter and her ability to make her own friends and be independent within her own decisions. She isn't a child anymore. She is a young woman.

 

Why are you comparing yourself to other families? Are you worried that you daughter won't be "good enough" to keep up with the Joneses?

 

In what way has your daughter gone "downhill"? You keep saying it but don't give any examples??

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