My spirit is crushed

[Tag]

My 20th birthday is coming up and I’m terrified.

I can’t get a job because I have no self-confidence, and have social anxiety. I don’t even know how to go about getting one.

I had to drop out of university because I can’t concentrate on the work, and I find subjects that I’m good at uninteresting if I have to do them for long periods of time. I find subjects I'm not good at impossible to study for.

I have to live with my parents and sister, who all make my anxiety and self-confidence worse on a daily basis. I would love nothing more than to move out, but I can’t. I wouldn’t have the skills to live on my own anyway. I have become the grown-up-child who sits at the computer all day, while her mother nags her to do chores or watch videos from the library with her. I hate my life.

I’m afraid of so many things, and I usually deal with fear by getting angry.
I missed educational opportunities because I was too afraid to act and waited until the window was closed. Now I'm too afraid to go and open them again.
I’m too afraid to kill myself, not because of a fear of death, but because of a fear of pain, and that I would fail.

After a year I still can’t seem to get my ex out of my head, and since no one approaches me I haven’t met anyone new. I have so much baggage now, meeting someone new would be impossible anyway. I’ve become a crazy lady (I can’t even be a crazy cat lady because I’m allergic to cats, and I love cats…). Love is constantly on my mind.




I was thinking of suicide a lot on New Years because of most of that. It was an opportunity to look ahead at another year of bleak unknowns. I felt so alone and I just wanted it all to end. I couldn’t watch the New Year’s TV specials for long with my family because of all the couples hugging and dancing and kissing. I felt so left out when I saw that, and it hurt so badly. I don’t drink or like clubbing so I don’t get invited to things my friends do on these kinds of occasions. People ask me what I did for New Years and I have nothing to say.

My ex, or the memory of him, is affecting my life a lot. It's him that pops up in my mind when I'm studying and bored. Though I haven’t seen or spoken to him in almost a year now, the relationship shattered my self-confidence, and he’s on my mind daily. I was so sure about him, but he turned his back on me in the end. I had never been so sure of anything in my life. Now I can’t trust or be sure of anything. It would be terrible for me to go back to him, and I like to think I don’t care about him anymore (that’s what I tell people, too), but in reality I want him back anyway… which is pathetic, I know. ...but the memories I had with him are the happiest of my life. ...and naturally I want to go back and try it again... but he's gone...

Since the breakup I’ve read a lot of self-help books, been reading forums like this one, and I’m currently seeing a therapist. My therapist is going to send me to some kind of “life skills” classes thing with other people that have anxieties, but I have know idea how that’s going to work, or when it’s going to happen because of the waiting list for it.

My physical health is degrading as well, which doesn’t help my self-confidence. The only sport I’m interested in is too expensive for me to do on a regular basis. I feel guilty about money a lot…

I really don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’m asking here… I just want someone to talk to.

[shy2cool]

I know all about the social anxiety thing. I'm getting better, but it sometimes affects me still.

I would not give up on university; maybe try changing your major or do some courses which you might enjoy?

You need to get over your ex somehow. Try spending some more time with your friends, or try to make new ones. Occupying your time with something is a good start too.

[Tag]

Thanks for the reply shy2cool,

Something, yes, but what? I'm not motivated to do anything. Everything I might like or have liked in the past is too expensive or difficult to do now (like horseback riding or dogsledding). ...and I'm too afraid to get started in any kind of class or club if it's not all set up for me.

...and university. I want some kind of higher education, but I don't think I would enjoy any course, which is the problem. I read the course discriptions and get bored. Looking back I hated every moment of school and daydreamed through most of it. The only time I enjoyed school was when I was still with my ex and would see him there every day. I went to university and it was the same thing all over. When I get bored I just drift off and think of happier days... like when I was still with my ex. I hate myself for it.

I can't make new friends, I don't like going up and talking to new people, and I know I never will. I get incredibly awkward around people I don't know. When I was at university, no one ever tried talking to me either. The only friends I have now, the whole four of them, reached out to me. Even they are drifting further away from me... they go to the university all the time and have new circles of friends that they go out with. ...and they are always busy. I have no life so they must be getting bored of me. I would be bored of me, too.

[allgood]

dont give up!!! it's just a faze, since youve been thinkking too much and having too many negative thoughts

heres a website that helped me
[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

pls read and use its techniques, theres lots of help out there

never give up and give 100 percent on everything and in meeting new peeps dont be eager just let it flow

everything will be allright girl

[CynicalGuitarist]

I'm sorry about your situation. I can really, really relate... at least you got to try university... I'm stuck in community colleges for at least another 2 years and am probably gonna live at home until I'm 26 because I can't find a job... Hang in there... and I know this might not help... but at least you aren't me.

[The Vitruvian Man]

I was (am... :/) a lot like this. I have anxiety when meeting new people and trying to impress the people I do meet. Unfortuately, there is no pill to cure this. We must face our fear and try our best.

Try applying to a local store around you (like a grocery store or pharmacy). This will give you: A) a job with a relatively short drive and B) opportunities to be around and interact with people. I know that even though my current employment situation isn't ideal (I work in a pharmacy photo department), it has provided me some experience with people and helped to ease my social anxiety at least a little bit.

And of course, we are always here to turn to when you're feeling blue. There are so many helpful people here to listen.

Take care.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Hi Tag
Your posts hit me in a place I have long ago let go, that momet in life when the world is calling and you just dont wont to go talk to it. Fear and no joy all rolled up in a bag of self hate and self pitty. In other words not much fun.

So is where your are all doom and gloom?

Well no, think of it more as a zeroing point, its kind of like your life counter being resert to 0000.

As a child you had a garte life yes there was ups and downs but it was grate, no worrys no presher none of the grown up stuff that well, gets in the way of fun. Now your expected to be grown up, make your own way in the world, your expected to know and do that which is right.

Talk about a head *****

Truth is like most of us you have know idear what to do, how to get a job or better job (ands up thows who DONT wont a better job!) deling with others some times your foot like all ours its will and truly in your mouth.

But unlike some of us old gits who have been grown up for so long we can fake it, your looking at the start and thinking "B****ER this Im off"

We dont, here is Spuglys tips for Life, the Univers and every thing.


Tip1: If it ant fun dont do it, most of all work.
This is all about finding what you like to do, who you like to be with and
what kind of life you would like to live, you have about 50 more years so it dos not matter if it takes some time to work this one out say 10 and the working it out its self can be fun. yes there are times when you have to do things you dont wont to but, try to counter that with lots of things you enjoy doing, Let me tell you it can be hard work having fun but the work some how dos not seem to hard what your having fun.

Tip2: Look back on every day you live and ask your self this, "what did I do today that I have never done befor"
Why? you ask, well I know so many who well cost throw life, who are confitabuly num as Pink Floyed one siad. yes roteen is nice but it can be come a liveing death. Each day of our lifes things come by us and most let them go becouse the fear to lose what they have to know. But what kind of life is that, its like the prisoner becoming Intertushinalsed by there own life. When a chance comes to see more of life and the world take it. Which leads onto

Tip3: Trust your self to grow into your new life.
Huuu? whats that, Its you and what you can do thats what, heard this one
"You dont know what you can do untill you try" well its true, Jump into that new job show no fear and trust your self to deal with whats there, yes its as scarry as hell but that the fun of it, O you will wet your self, your will cry and then you will DO! and after a time you will look back and say, What was I scared of, Belive in your self and your abilatys. alwasy say this to your self "wheres the fun in doing what I know how to do"

Tip4: Dealing with the reast of the Human RACE!
Well best start by saying hi to them, go to a crowed place and scream at the top of your voice "HI EVERY ONE", now your no longer staranges with us you can move onto faze 2, Meeting us one at a time. To do this you will have to smile and not thinking where all not nuts, let us do the talking at 1st and once your happy we realy are not nuts then feel free to talk back. I would add always do your best to be polite and smile that gos well with about 80% of the polulation and the other 20% well you will have to wing it.

Tip5: Know who you are, no matter what know what you stand for and what you will and will not let stand, dont let others manipulat you, and know that no one makes you feel any thing you make YOU! feel things.

Tips6: A mantra for life, have one saying that some up who you are and what you are. Me I have TRUTH, STRENGHT AND HONER!

Be True to your self than others.
Be Strong for yourself then others.
and Honor your self for trying to do that which is right and others who try to do the same.

No matter what in my life I say thows words to myself and I know I will do my best.

Life is a road made up and a grate number of steps each one we take we must take alone some walk Blindly but others try to walk with site. Where it gos dos not matter as long as we walk it well, and if we try have fun on the way.

So tomorrow when you wake up what will you do that day that you have never done befor.

[Axel<3'sRoxas]

I was shocked when I read this, because It sounds so much like myself (apart from the ex boyfriend) All the rest is so familiar to me.
Its so hard when all your old friends start to get new friends, and you're left behind isn't it? Although, I'd just be a hypocrite to offer you advice, seeing as I don't take my own.
If you wish to chat to me, feel free to pm me. Who knows, Maybe we can help eachother out.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Axel<3'sRoxas
your a star I would say that's about the best help any one could ask for Tag, some one who knows what its like, This is why I love ENT there is aways some one here who's is or has been there.

[Juliana]

I have no idea what life skills classes are, but I'd love to know. Possibly that could be helpful.

You know, I think you're trying to be in too many places at once, emotionally. I think your university courses are boring for you because your mind is on other things. You are still hurting from the breakup, but you expect yourself to be coping and living as if you weren't. You have very little in the way of a support system, emotionally at least, and you feel like you don't deserve even what you get.

Maybe it might help you, along with the pain, to remember that you were happy in your relationship -- the hardest thing for us to do sometimes is to remember that our happy times were because of us, not because of someone else. Not everyone who meets this guy is going to fall in love with him; that was something you brought to the relationship. It's a strength, and one that is still in you.

We build our strength back up bit by bit. Maybe it's not time for you to be back in university. Some of the most successful people I know had to take time from school after bad breakups. You're not unusual, although you may feel you are. You had a good relationship once; you can again. You can have a happy life. Take the time now to give yourself a chance to regroup, repossess your strength, and feel certain of yourself again.