Don't Understand My Mother

[renaissancewoman101]

I got back late last night from my family thing in Las Vegas. Had a somewhat good time. I was very happy to see my uncle from Australia, and his family. I havent seen them in 25 years. My uncle was VERY happy to see me. He was the one who kept bugging my mom if I was coming out to Las Vegas. My mom didn't want me to come out to meet her brother and his family.

Now to my question. Why does my mom treat me so badly about things? I realize that I am not that bad and that my mom's relatives (with the exception of my mom's sister's husband and their son) like me a lot. When my mom introduced me to my uncle and his family, she kept on saying that I was so fat and to not be embarrassed by me (that she had told them before that I was fat). My relatives didn't seem to mind. They enjoyed talking to me and hanging out with me.

My aunt (who is Dutch and doesnt speak Chinese) wanted to talk to me all the time about stuff, so I did and had a great time. Then my mom told me later not to be so talkative because I was going to embarrass myself.

My uncle called me the day after our first get together and asked me out to lunch just me and him and my mother overheard the conversation, grabbed the phone out of my hands and told him that we could ALL go to lunch.

What is up with my mother? Why is so afraid of me interacting with her brother and she thinks I say and do things that embarrass her. Then when I tell my mom that her brother and his family seem to like me, she tells me that they just PRETEND to like me and that I am embarrassing because I am so fat and stuff.

I managed to exchange email addresses with my cousins and my aunt. That was cool since now I have a way of emailing with them. Then my mom tells me not to email my aunt so much and bother her.

I dont get my mother.

I left a day early because I couldn't handle my mom and her issues with me.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ren, Ren Ren.......

She is a very jealous person. She is not embarrassed of you, she is jealous of you. She's jealous of the attention you get from her family.

One of the MAIN reasons people make other people feel bad is so that THEY themselves will feel better. It's the classic bully syndrome....she feels bad about herself so to make her feel better, she needs others to feel worse.

As completely ridiculously hard as this sounds, find the high ground and pay it no mind. Or better yet, pity her. Turn it around on her.

Next time she says something ridiculous, laugh at it. I mean, really. If someone said to me, you're too fat, don't embarrass me??? LOL!! Come on! Don't talk too much, you'll embarrass yourself???

LOL SERIOUSLY!!!

Turn it around on her. If she sees that she's actually NOT making you feel bad, she'll more than liley stop.

You can't change her Ren, but you can change your reaction to her....which will in turn change her response to you.....give it a try!

[JulieW]

I will not say 'You should love and respect your mother no matter what'. It's not a fair statement.

My mother, when I told her I decided to move out of my house and separate from my husband looked at me and said "I'm not surprised."

Whenever I have an amazing performance, she tells all the people congratulating me "That's my daughter!!" Then turns around and says, "You need to work harder if you're ever going to get better"

Some people are just so unhappy and bitter they just cannot fathom ALLOWING anyone else to be proud of themselves and enjoy their lives. I mean, really, how dare they???

I love my mother very deep down, but I don't like or respect her as a person.

[renaissancewoman101]

Awdree, you know what, I didn't think of it that way, that she is jealous of me and how people perceive me. I never thought of it that way. I always just thought she was embarrassed of me becasue of my weight and height since that is all she ever said about me, that I was an embarrassment to her because of my height and weight.

Interesting view of my mother. I do take the high ground and I don't fight with her about it. It's hard to ignore, because it hurts. This time I was better able to deal with things because I had a good time with my uncle and his family and they speak mainly English so my mom had a hard time understanding and keeping up with them (my uncle does speak Chinese but my aunt and their kids don't).

Sometimes, it's hard not to want to rip my mom's head off. Like for instance, we all went out to a pricey buffet restaurant, the day after Christmas and I was seated across from my aunt and my uncle. I spent most of the dinner talking to them, getting food, etc. My mom kept giving me looks from across the table and making comments to me about what I should and should NOT eat because I was so fat.

But, if I look at it from a "jealousy" standpoint, then it doesnt make me look so bad after all.

[arwen]

You can't change her Ren, but you can change your reaction to her....which will in turn change her response to you.....give it a try!

Hey RW!

I very much agree with this. But it IS very difficult...

I hope you still had a good time talking to your Dutch (!?) aunt. Maybe you can keep in touch with her.

It is difficult to respect and love someone who doesn't show you the slightest bit of love or respect. Especially when that person is your mother, somehow we need the love and reassurance from our parents the MOST. I think that in time, when you are ready for it, it might be good to address this to her, maybe in a session with your therapist.

Ilse

[AwdreeHpburn]

And I'm sure other people in her family would be quite embarrassed of her behaviour if they only knew how she treated you..........sad really, considering all she wants is what you have, their love and respect.

I feel sorry for her....

[renaissancewoman101]

Ilse, I didn't know how else to address my aunt to distinguish that she isn't Chinese. She is from Holland although she has lived in Australia most of her life.

I plan on keeping in touch with my aunt. It is just that before, I never had their phone number or an email address. My mom never gave it to me and if I asked, she would tell me that she didnt have it.

It's hard for me to deal with my mom and her opinions of me. My dad is not like that. He is pretty decent with me, esp when my mom isn't around. If she is around, he is quiet and keeps to himself.

I've always had a hard time dealing with my mother and her opinions of me. It hurts to have someone who doesnt think well of me and tells me that others who say they think well of me are lying to me.

[ultraviolet]

I'm glad you had a great time in Vegas with your relatives but I'm sorry to hear your Mom was up to her usual tricks. I think Awdree's right about your Mom being jealous, but I also think she's afraid of losing you (and control over you.) This is why she's always offering to buy you things (like nice slacks), but at the same time she's always insulting your appearance and saying you "embarrass" her. I don't know about you, but if someone was constantly embarrassing me, I'd try to spend less time with them, not more, know what I mean?

For someone who's so embarrassed by you, don't you find it interesting how much she relies on you to speak for her, attend social functions, etc.? My mom's a lot like yours and all I can tell you is I hope that in time you'll see that her hurtful words have a lot more to do with her and how she perceives herself than they ever had to do with you.

One thing I've noticed is that people who are living a meaningful life don't tend to feel the need to tear others down. If you can look at your Mom as if you've never met her before, what do you see? Can you see why she might feel the need to make others miserable to feel like she has some sort of control over her life? (Not that any of it should be excusable. I'm just hoping that a different way of looking at her might free from you from accepting her words as fact in the same way that changing my perceptions helped me. Good luck!)