In fear of damage

KissMe_KillMe · 12-24-2006, 02:40 AM

I seriously dont know what to do..
my boyfriend cheated on me in the 9th month of our relationship with a girl from his work.. someone saw them kissing at a party.
We broke up.. but still kinda saw eachother..
they ended up getting together. At this point in time he was also doing coke..and was very depressed. I think he started to doing coke before he got with her but i dont know for sure. Anyways i helped him get off drugs and go to counceling.. a month later we decided to get back together..everything was great.. But latley we have been fighting so much because i keep bringing what he did up.. i keep getting reminded of it. I cant help but bring it up almost everyday.. i feel that im going to ruin this relationship for good.
I love him to death and i want us to have a healthy wonderful relationship..
what am i suppost to do? Excpecially when she still works where he does. I need help. Im going crazy. I feel that im letting this take over.

m_darko · 12-24-2006, 02:48 AM

Stop bringning it up. The fact is, is that you resent him. How can you respect someone you resent...? How can you love someone you do not respect?

If you cannot get over it, then it will never be. Can you live with that?

Will you not think of it 5 years down the road?

Forgive OR forget!

doyathink · 12-24-2006, 03:19 AM

Hi Kissme,
I want to tell you what I told another poster who is going through something similar to what you are.
I have walked in the same shoes, I have felt the exact same feelings. Pent up rage, hate and anger will not let this relationship last. I came here with some of those feelings and have since changed the way I think. I had a wonderful mod here help me with the issues I had. What I learned is this;

If you cant put this in the past and build on your relationship, you are only going to destroy it.

Take tomorrow and tell yourself, today is a new day.....the first day to a new relationship! What has happened is in the past and if I want to grow old with this man then I have to change my thought process...now!

You cant change what has happened but you can decide if this is something you can either live with and put in the past....or leave this relationship because you cant see yourself ever getting over and past this.

This is VERY hard to do, if you truely love him...you can. Everytime these thoughts enter your mind ....you need to focus on something else....quickly. Dont let this take up room in your head or you will never heal and your relationship will come to an end...as no one can continue with this kind of stress. As you well know.

Make two different lists.
One being everything you consider a deal breaker for you. Things you will not and can not live with.
On the second list write down the things you dont want or like him doing, but can live with. Things you wish he would do differently, but you wont leave him for doing.
I cant tell you what choice is better, you have to do that. This is going to kill you and your relationship if you cant find a way to get past it or move on. Before this did you trust and believe in him? If this is the first and only, then I bet if you put your heart and soul into this relationship, you'll be able to make it. Try very hard to not entertain these thoughts and it will help you immensely.

KissMe_KillMe · 12-24-2006, 03:55 AM

Thanks so much for you understanding?
i know this probably sound svery immature of me..
but i dont think its right of him to still have her in his myspace top 8.
I dont understand why wouldnt right away delete her completely..
i mean i know they broke up on okay terms but to know that shes still there upsets me.. to know that she still works with him really upsets me..
i dont know how to get past that..

also one more question..
what can i do to make us enjoy our company more?
something that can bring us more together than ever?

agent · 12-24-2006, 11:57 AM

Beause it upsets you and gives him power in the relationship.

I had a bf who did the same thing with livejournal. Ultimately, I couldn't get over it and he kept using her presence as a way of keeping me off balance.

It pretty much ended the relationship but we kept it up for six months after that and it was painful and tiring and not something I'd do again.

doyathink · 12-24-2006, 02:44 PM

If he truely wants this relationship with you then he needs to get that off of his my space. If he could find another job then that would be nice, but quitting his job may be hard to do. He has to prove to you that your needs are important here and it doesnt sound like he is cooperating.

Mine worked with the woman (the first one)too and he wouldn't quit either. He told me he could work where he wanted to and be friends with whoever he wanted to. He continued to work right next to her and continued to take breaks with her ....he took it that I was giving him an ultimatum! HA!
Yeah, he got fired!

He went on to do it two more times, two different places,with co-workers. And karma got him there too...he was fired from one of these jobs and transfered to another plant in the other one.

KissMe_KillMe · 12-29-2006, 05:40 AM

okay i really dont know if i should be scared or not but my boyfriend left his backpack that he brought his playstation in and i looked inside one of the pockets and there was condoms in there...

im wondering does this mean that
A: he still has them in there from when he was with her
or
B: hes still doing her!

what should i do... i would really like to confront him..
but i dont know if i should or not.. i dont want to start another fight!

jusified · 12-29-2006, 05:59 AM

Geez, LOL, why can't I have a gf like you.

It seems like this guy has treated you with disrespect and does not truely love you but you are still willing to forgive and stay by him.

If his got condoms it means his either doing her or some others as well.

Ask yourself why are you still holding on to him?

You sound ike a eally great girl...you deserve so much better.

KissMe_KillMe · 12-29-2006, 06:17 AM

what can i say i moved to a ****ty town with ny parents at the age of 17 and met him at the age of 18 and we instantly hit it off....
everything was wonderful!!!

but then we started fighting at times and then we started fighting about how i would get mad becaus ehe never wanted to have sex with me...

then i found out he started doing coke and cheated on me..

but i was desperate to save what we once had and i never gave up..
never!! And as sad as i sound now... i dont want to give up...

i would just like to know why he has condoms in his backpack...
he didnt go out and buy them because they are really old ones that were for us...

but being for the fact that we dont use condoms anymore...
why does he have them in there?...
are they from when he was with that one girl and just never took them out.

or are they in there because hes still doing her.

i havent found any evidence besides this that would conclude he is doing her.. but how can i find out for sure.

i hate accusing and then being wrong in the end...

but i also hate accusing and then being told im wrong and feeling bad for accusing, but then later find out i was right all along.

jusified · 12-29-2006, 07:07 AM

you sound like a really great person.

But, don't get mad at me, i do think you have your own set of problems that you need to deal with. This guy seems to cause you alot of trouble, and honestly, you are still young and believe in your self that you can find someone better.

In the end you need to try and do things thats bet for you. Fro a third person's point of viw with limited knowledge of the relationship I do think the reationship is not doing you good.

12-24-2006, 02:40 AM	#1
KissMe_KillMe Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 176	In fear of damage I seriously dont know what to do.. my boyfriend cheated on me in the 9th month of our relationship with a girl from his work.. someone saw them kissing at a party. We broke up.. but still kinda saw eachother.. they ended up getting together. At this point in time he was also doing coke..and was very depressed. I think he started to doing coke before he got with her but i dont know for sure. Anyways i helped him get off drugs and go to counceling.. a month later we decided to get back together..everything was great.. But latley we have been fighting so much because i keep bringing what he did up.. i keep getting reminded of it. I cant help but bring it up almost everyday.. i feel that im going to ruin this relationship for good. I love him to death and i want us to have a healthy wonderful relationship.. what am i suppost to do? Excpecially when she still works where he does. I need help. Im going crazy. I feel that im letting this take over.

12-24-2006, 02:48 AM	#2
m_darko Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 34	Stop bringning it up. The fact is, is that you resent him. How can you respect someone you resent...? How can you love someone you do not respect? If you cannot get over it, then it will never be. Can you live with that? Will you not think of it 5 years down the road? Forgive OR forget! __________________ Screw it.

12-24-2006, 11:57 AM	#5
agent Online Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 3,893	Beause it upsets you and gives him power in the relationship. I had a bf who did the same thing with livejournal. Ultimately, I couldn't get over it and he kept using her presence as a way of keeping me off balance. It pretty much ended the relationship but we kept it up for six months after that and it was painful and tiring and not something I'd do again. __________________ "You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too." - Anais Nin "Come now, don't make such a funeral face. It isn't dying that's sad; it's living when you're not happy." -Octave Mirbeau "Don't be sad, don't be angry, if life deceives you! Submit to your grief; your time for joy will come, believe me." -Aleksandr Pushkin

12-24-2006, 03:19 AM	#3
doyathink Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Venus Gender: Female Posts: 5,308	Hi Kissme, I want to tell you what I told another poster who is going through something similar to what you are. I have walked in the same shoes, I have felt the exact same feelings. Pent up rage, hate and anger will not let this relationship last. I came here with some of those feelings and have since changed the way I think. I had a wonderful mod here help me with the issues I had. What I learned is this; If you cant put this in the past and build on your relationship, you are only going to destroy it. Take tomorrow and tell yourself, today is a new day.....the first day to a new relationship! What has happened is in the past and if I want to grow old with this man then I have to change my thought process...now! You cant change what has happened but you can decide if this is something you can either live with and put in the past....or leave this relationship because you cant see yourself ever getting over and past this. This is VERY hard to do, if you truely love him...you can. Everytime these thoughts enter your mind ....you need to focus on something else....quickly. Dont let this take up room in your head or you will never heal and your relationship will come to an end...as no one can continue with this kind of stress. As you well know. Make two different lists. One being everything you consider a deal breaker for you. Things you will not and can not live with. On the second list write down the things you dont want or like him doing, but can live with. Things you wish he would do differently, but you wont leave him for doing. I cant tell you what choice is better, you have to do that. This is going to kill you and your relationship if you cant find a way to get past it or move on. Before this did you trust and believe in him? If this is the first and only, then I bet if you put your heart and soul into this relationship, you'll be able to make it. Try very hard to not entertain these thoughts and it will help you immensely.

12-24-2006, 03:55 AM	#4
KissMe_KillMe Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 176	Thanks so much for you understanding? i know this probably sound svery immature of me.. but i dont think its right of him to still have her in his myspace top 8. I dont understand why wouldnt right away delete her completely.. i mean i know they broke up on okay terms but to know that shes still there upsets me.. to know that she still works with him really upsets me.. i dont know how to get past that.. also one more question.. what can i do to make us enjoy our company more? something that can bring us more together than ever?

12-24-2006, 02:44 PM	#6
doyathink Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Venus Gender: Female Posts: 5,308	If he truely wants this relationship with you then he needs to get that off of his my space. If he could find another job then that would be nice, but quitting his job may be hard to do. He has to prove to you that your needs are important here and it doesnt sound like he is cooperating. Mine worked with the woman (the first one)too and he wouldn't quit either. He told me he could work where he wanted to and be friends with whoever he wanted to. He continued to work right next to her and continued to take breaks with her ....he took it that I was giving him an ultimatum! HA! Yeah, he got fired! He went on to do it two more times, two different places,with co-workers. And karma got him there too...he was fired from one of these jobs and transfered to another plant in the other one.

12-29-2006, 05:40 AM	#7
KissMe_KillMe Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 176	okay i really dont know if i should be scared or not but my boyfriend left his backpack that he brought his playstation in and i looked inside one of the pockets and there was condoms in there... im wondering does this mean that A: he still has them in there from when he was with her or B: hes still doing her! what should i do... i would really like to confront him.. but i dont know if i should or not.. i dont want to start another fight!

12-29-2006, 05:59 AM	#8
jusified Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 69	Geez, LOL, why can't I have a gf like you. It seems like this guy has treated you with disrespect and does not truely love you but you are still willing to forgive and stay by him. If his got condoms it means his either doing her or some others as well. Ask yourself why are you still holding on to him? You sound ike a eally great girl...you deserve so much better.

12-29-2006, 06:17 AM	#9
KissMe_KillMe Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 176	what can i say i moved to a ****ty town with ny parents at the age of 17 and met him at the age of 18 and we instantly hit it off.... everything was wonderful!!! but then we started fighting at times and then we started fighting about how i would get mad becaus ehe never wanted to have sex with me... then i found out he started doing coke and cheated on me.. but i was desperate to save what we once had and i never gave up.. never!! And as sad as i sound now... i dont want to give up... i would just like to know why he has condoms in his backpack... he didnt go out and buy them because they are really old ones that were for us... but being for the fact that we dont use condoms anymore... why does he have them in there?... are they from when he was with that one girl and just never took them out. or are they in there because hes still doing her. i havent found any evidence besides this that would conclude he is doing her.. but how can i find out for sure. i hate accusing and then being wrong in the end... but i also hate accusing and then being told im wrong and feeling bad for accusing, but then later find out i was right all along.

12-29-2006, 07:07 AM	#10
jusified Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 69	you sound like a really great person. But, don't get mad at me, i do think you have your own set of problems that you need to deal with. This guy seems to cause you alot of trouble, and honestly, you are still young and believe in your self that you can find someone better. In the end you need to try and do things thats bet for you. Fro a third person's point of viw with limited knowledge of the relationship I do think the reationship is not doing you good.