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Does anyone else besides me hate casual sex?


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I'm not talking about the sex part.. but i really really don't do good with the casual sex thing. I think it's a scam... something that guys thought up so they can be the laziest.. most non-feeling creatures walking the earth.

Hey.. you don't even have to bother goign to pick up the girl.. Just have her come over and screw you! No bothersome gasoline bills.... no debating where you are to go.. cuz you never go anywhere except to bed!

And hey.. you can save on phone bills too... cuz you NEVER call the girl.. Have her call you! It's good for your ego...makes you feel important.

Never mind that you are making your lover feel like chit doing this...that's not the point of casual sex. it's all about YOU guys!!!!!

But now you can brag to all the guys at the office...you're a player.. you got it going on.. The only problem is... everytime you pull this crap... where you have the girl come over.. you never bother to call her.. you treat her like dirt.. secretly she's starting to resent you more & more...

But what the heck! What does it matter? You are getting free sex.... you are doing nothing, nothing to get it...It's delivered to ya.. what could be better?

I think you guys are fooling yourselves...and making what should be really special and beautiful between a man and a woman into something cheap and meaningless. That's really sad, imho.

Is anyone else in one of these casual sex relationships and starting to feel really worthless about yourself??

I know I am.. I want to make love to a guy who cares about me.. who likes to be with me.. (OUT OF BED).. who wants to do things with me about town... where are these kind of guys at anyway???

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Hey girl,

 

I gather from your post that you (recently?) had a bad experience? Are you in a situation with a guy that doesn't love you but does want to have sex with you? If so, get out. If you don't want to have casual sex, that is your full right. I don't think it's necessarily just MEN who want the no-strings-attached situation, although I think that it might be generally harder for women to distinguish sex from love.

 

What leads me to the question why some girls (I do not mean you, I don't have a clear picture of your current situation!) DO sleep with men very early on, while they are looking for LOVE and not SEX. I think the best way to avoid this situation is to date for a few months before stepping to the intimate level. It takes two to tango, if the guy starts to talk you into bed on the first date and he loses interest if you say no, well then he is not someone you want to date anyway.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

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Why don't you take any of the responsibility? Did he force you to have sex? Sounds like it is consensual. I know women who enjoy casual sex just like you claim a man does. You cannot be "scammed" when you are consenting to having sex with this man and he has not promised you a commitment. And if the man is turning something beautiful into something cheap, in your opinion, aren't you doing the same?

 

I always knew I would not be comfortable with casual sex and adding STDs and pregnancy risks reinforced my decision not to have casual sex. I have been somewhat intimate with men in a casual situation - where there was no potential for a long term serious relationship --and I often felt bad about myself, so I stopped. I never thought the man was a "jerk" or trying to scam me because I happen to believe in taking responsibility for my actions and being accountable for them - essential to my self image and values.

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Tell the guy how you feel, you cant lose anything.

 

Just what you put here.

I wonder what his reaction would be if I said.. to him.. "Look.. this is really hurting my feelings.. Cuz I feel like you don't care about me at all. That may not be so.. but the fact that you don't want to call me up hardly or take me out anywhere is making me feel like * * * *. Is this what you want me to feel like?"

 

If thats how you feel then let him know! You are worth so much more than this. Sure, I can understand needs... we all have needs. But one of those needs is as it should be to feel loved and respected too.

 

Also, keep your mind open to other guys because it doesnt sound like he is the one even if the sex is great. In otherwords, dont close out your other options yet.

 

If you dont get anywhere by telling him how you feel, and how you wish it to be then drop him. Life is too short to waste in unhappiness.

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I know you are needing physical affection. Sometimes I feel like it can be "a curse" wanting physical affection but not wanting just a bed buddy. I also think you deserve more than this, and if you are looking for sex + LOVE + RELATIONSHIP, this man isn't the one. He simply doesn't sound like he is respecting you at all, so I don't know if any notes or whatever will get through to him or make a lightbulb click over his head and go, "Oh yeah, I really should be nicer to sadie!"

 

I think some people are just lazy, and they will do the bare minimum to make you happy. If you are still coming over and having sex with him, he thinks you must be happy. So why should he bother calling you or making dates if he is already getting what he wants?

 

My advice is to ditch this man, and get some sex toys from the store to tide you over for a while. I am sure that dating gets a lot harder with age, less available people, but don't settle for scraps! There are lots of good, older men out there also, and I agree with ilse, waiting a few months before you have sex and get emotionally attached is better than having sex too soon and getting your heart broken.

 

good luck

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I understand you have physical needs, but it seems that your emotional need for a commitment is much stronger. I am sorry that things seemed so right at first with this guy, and that you feel betrayed. It is very frustrating to have experiences like this and they can really take away your belief in a happy future relationship.

 

I think that the only thing you can do at this point is take matters in your OWN hand. Take back the power, girl, and dump this guy. You are looking for something different, something that he is not able to offer. That doesn't mean you are looking for something that doesn't exist at all.

 

Do you live in a small town? You say that there are not too many guys that you would want to date. If it is really true that it's take it or leave it, I'd leave it. I'd rather be single than settling for less than I want in a relationship. I have been single for a long time between my first relationship. I did have some flings, but they were just adventures and I wasn't looking for anything more than that. After concluding that flings are also not my thing because they didn't add to my life or growth (physical needs can be fulfilled... otherwise as well!), I was single and hadn't sex at all for 1.5 years. The first date after that soon turned out to be not-for-me (we hadn't slept together yet before we broke up). Also between my current bf and my latest ex was 9 months of 'celibacy'.

 

If this guy is NOT what you are looking for, again, break things off now. Sooner rather than later. I'd be mad as well if someone would pretend an interest for a relationship, have sex, and make it all about sex. And if you feel he did this (maybe even consciously), you should just tell him that and walk away.

 

Ilse

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First off, you seem very defensive. Slow down a minute. You asked for advice and you are getting very good advice.

 

Casual sex relationships can be easy to fall into. You have a lonely girl (or guy.) They meet someone once. Hope that they are going to have a future with the person. Have sex with them acting like the casual sex is okay with them but Hoping that it will be more than that. It never becomes more and they wonder why not?

 

I can understand where you are coming from. As alot of us probably can. How old are you?

 

Here's how I see it and yes, casual sex makes me sick and mad. If we act like we are okay with something, then the people we date will expect us to be okay with it. You've accepted this situation thus far. You haven't had a talk with him or set him straight with your expectations. Your standards haven't been too high. Some women would be completely okay with the situation you are in. How would he have any idea that you aren't?

 

My suggestions:

Have a talk with him. Express your feelings and expectations.

Take responsibility in this. You have allowed it to roll out like this.

If he isn't willing to meet your expectations, move on - suck up being lonely and stop being "used."

Raise the bar, your standards, and your expectations. When you meet someone else, demand to meet for dates outside of his home only for at least a month if not longer.

Even once you do visit him at his place, don't sleep with him for awhile!

Get to know him and allow him to get to know your expectations, values, boundaries, and standards, and goals.

Then both of you will understand each other - you will be better able to determine if he just wants a cheap . . . . or if he actually is falling in love with you as you want.

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Well. that's the thing.. He was really polite to me at first.. but i think I've kind of blown it.. i should of never had sex with him so soon.

 

Is it possible to take what has become a casual-sex relationship and turn it back into a normal dating-like relationship?

I hate this stuff.. I'm starting to hate myself and him too...

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I'm new here. I'm 30 and went without sex for most of 2 and a half years but recently have tried casual sex and find out I hate it too. I don't hate that it's casual - I didn't want commitment with this person, but I did hate that when he didn't want any more, he cut off communication rather than just saying 'sorry, this isn't working out for me.' that's what made what had seemed warm and fun and honest seem really cheap and rubbish instead. I'm not certain how long it could have gone on (was only 3 weeks) without my feeling more attachment, but really all I wanted was companionship which was honest, respectful, and fun. When it turned out the other person wasn't being genuine though, it does seem really tawdry in retrospect - not because he was using me, since I wanted to be there and didn't want attachment, but because he obviously _thought_ he was using me or else surely he'd not have felt funny about breaking it off in a more respectful way.

 

He wanted to wait longer than I did to actually have intercourse, too, saying he'd not moved as quickly with anyone before, so he really didn't seem like a player. Yet he cut off communication entirely despite our having a frank discussion about how we'd just let the other know when we didn't want any more. I'm really confused and hurt. I don't want to comandeer this thread, but are any guys reading and can you explain why you feel you have to fool us to get us to sleep with you? Many of us want to sleep with you while dating casually and are willing to be honest about it if we become emotionally attached so long as you're honest with us and gentle about breaking things off. What's the benefit to you of being so cold - it only ups the chance of messy post-break up anger and retribution and you guarantee that the other person will feel cheap rubbish about themselves. Honestly, is that part of the fun of it for you? I'm really curious to know this, as I just can't understand why this guy would take the harder painful way out when there were virtually effortless, much less painful alternatives.

 

Anyway, Sadie - I know how you feel. Try not to take it personally - I'm trying to remember that for me the sex was a warm and honest thing and his being a rat about it doesn't really change that. But you have to make the choice to demand more if you want it or else leave the guy. If he's making you feel bad about yourself, he's really not worth it and you'll feel better alone in the long run. And once you feel better about yourself there's a much better chance you'll be able to arrange a relationship that works for you. Know how rubbish it is to go without human contact for so long, though, and also how few available people there are as you get older.

 

Good luck.

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No no no no! This is NOT what happened.. I didn't meet the guy... take him home, have sex with him! I had a few dates with him and I wasn't even sure he was interested in me romantically at all.. He was that non-aggressive.

But... after that... we just started getting intimate. It's only happened like once or twice.. but you are right. I did send him a note...

Who knows.. and age doesn't factor into it.. We are all human... We all have hearts that can be broke.. and feelings hurt.

You saying this though.. is very offensive and hurtful.. I'm not getting good advice if i leave my keyboard feeling more insulted than when I sat down to it.

"If he isn't willing to meet your expectations, move on - suck up being lonely and stop being "used."

Wow.. "suck up being lonely"!

you sound more disrespectul in those words than anything i've heard coming out of his mouth.

Lady. you don't even know me.. My mom has just died from cancer.. I don't need to come onto these boards and be flamed...

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Well. that's the thing.. He was really polite to me at first.. but i think I've kind of blown it.. i should of never had sex with him so soon....

 

How soon? I've learned that you have to really take time and make it very clear that you have a goal of being in a healthy relationship and sex will not happen for some time. Not until each of you have had a chance to and have determined you see a future together.

 

And he seemed like he really liked me too... But now.. it's like yeah.. he's conditioned now to do very little...
Not to reiterate but they really do learn what they can get away with and continue on until stopped.

 

I really would like to have a normal relationship with him.. and yeah. i've been alone for years now.. to the point where i'm so depressed and lonely i cannot take it anymore. I am sure you have no clue what it's like to spend every holiday, birthday or New Year's by yourself.. but i do.

Curious, what do you like about him? What do you know about him?

Many of us know what it is like to be alone. You're not the only one. I know it sucks. I know it's deprssing!

 

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have a bf... I don't want to be just a casual sex thing to anyone! For lots of reason.

One is that emotionally I jsut cannot take it. I start developing feelings for a guy if I make love to him... i cannot help it..And too.. if i set no parameters here. how the hell do I know if he's not having sex with other people.

We've moved way beyond heavy petting....I really don't want to risk my life or my health having sex with a guy who's possibly bedding down others.

we live in a big college town and there's lots of homosexuals in the town too. so I'm guessing we probably have a good amount of STDs floating around out there. I don't know of any casual sex that's worth risking my life for! Or maybe he thinks that cuz we got intimate so soon that i'm easy!

 

I think it's very possible that you are vulnerable. You do what you think and hope will work to keep him. After having sex, you become emotionally attached because it should be meaningful. But you haven't yet established a relationship or whether the person is truly into you.

 

I don't know.. maybe he'll read it and then decide he's been a bastard to me and apologize.. but if he reads it and then decides he's not going to have anymore contact with me. i'm going to have a meltdown!

 

I think it's a good possibility that he is going to think you are being irrational, clingy, too demanding, and weirded out due to the fact that you've set the bar and allowed him to get away with this. Be prepared. If he chooses to stop seeing you, suck it up. You both created this and you will find happiness again! True happiness!

 

I hate this stuff.. I'm starting to hate myself and him too...

 

I'm truly worried about you. I can definitely relate to your situation. I've honestly been there. Even if he did tell you he wasn't into something serious, would you have walked away or hoped and hoped he'd want more? I think you are about to have a life altering moment. A moment of clarity where you realize that you need to set the bar higher.

 

I know being single isn't fun. But you must enjoy yourself as a person, like yourself, be happy with yourself or finding happiness with someone else is unlikely.

 

Hugs.

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I know you didn't just meet him. You went out with him a few times.

 

You can sit here and be defensive if you desire. I've been where you are. But never taken it out on the guy.

 

I am not trying to insult you. Again - I've been where you are.

 

You noted that you are lonely and that's why you allow this to happen. Sheesh.

 

You know, I have alot of advice to offer you as well as many other people on these boards. I hope, for your sake, that you can cool off and look at this outside of the box.

 

There are very many compassionate, caring people that are here to help you, comfort you, and help you see this outside of the box. I hope you let someone in or consider seeing a counselor.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and that you are having a difficult time coping with your loss and your life.

 

Hugs and prayers to you. Feel free to pm me anytime. I'm not going to post again on your thread since you are so angry with me.

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Thanks Rosie.. really. you've done more to elevate my spirits in your post than anything I've read here in days. Yeah.. it's so easy to sit in judgement of someone else and make pot shots.. but until you've walked in someone elses shoes. you cannot possibly know how you feel.

Okay.. for the record.. and pretty soon I'm going to stop posting anything at all on this board.. cuz you all want to conjecture and make up stuff that isn't even so!

I honestly really really liked this guy as soon as I met him.. He was friendly, easy to talk to.. funny.... I don't go around picking up men i don't hardly know and screwing them! Give me some credit....

But.. i dunno.. i was a bit taken back when he suggested we meet at his house first off. I should of said. no...

But now.. what am I going to do? I really do like this guy... but I cannot go on like this...

Like i said.. i sent him a note...telling him how i felt that he wasn't being very nice to me.... He's not even gotten the letter yet.. so.. i don't know.

I have a hard time puttin things into words sometimes...

And I don't know Rosie.. I just don't get how guys can so unattached themselves from someone they've been sexual with. I would think anyone who's doing all kinds of wonderful things to my body.. i would be thrilled to see them again... not act like they don't exist. You know what Rosie.. I've been searching the web.. there are actually sites out there that advise men to just NOT call after they have sex with someone. It shows guys how to be players. .which to me. is just another name for a heartless creep! IT's called Askmen dot com.. you wouldn't believe the heartless way they instruct men to treat women!

And I'm not taking ANYTHING out on this guy! Geez.. don't make up stuff. If i was. i sure wouldn't be sitting here at my keyboard. .i'd be calling him on the phone and yellin at him.. or leaving him rude messages on his answering machine....

I would just as soon not go there though... I think I have alot more class than that.

I want the same thing too... respect, companionship, fun.. I do want sex too.. but i don't just want the sex...I mean I love sex. I love having sex with him.. but i hate the way he makes me feel afterwards.. when he never calls...I am starting to feel like he doesn't even like me...why wouldn't you want to call and chat with the person you are making love to?

I just think that society has taken away all the responsiblity for anything from the guy. He thinks that as long as he wears a condom he can do anything with anyone....

Well. condoms fail....

I dunno.. i think that in a way.. maybe it's God telling me I deserve way more than this..

Damn it.. this just sucks...

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What I do to solve this issue you seem to have is I prioritize getting to know someone for at least a few months -usually longer- before being intimate in that way, I wait until there is a commitment of exclusivity and at least some potential for marriage, I wait until there is love and caring. I do not date men who would be susceptible to silly message boards that promote being a "player" - the men who I believe are worthy of me are independent thinkers, bright, gentleman and with respect for people and a sense of integrity and values that is not swayed by those types of message boards or messages.

 

I am not being judgmental of you - I am simply observing that you seem to be saying you are a victim of "players" and I do not see where this was not your choice too. I have found in my life that I grow and stretch much more when I take responsibility and accountability for my decisions, good and bad and leave the sense of victimhood for when I am truly a victim, such as when I was hit by a bicycle two years ago and when I lost my younger cousin to cancer two years ago, for example - and when I was assaulted by a man 9 years ago on a second date.

 

In the latter example luckily I was not harmed physically but definitely scared the heck out of me and I most definitely was a victim. The times I chose to fool around with a man who didn't promise to be "mine" and then didn't call - then I was decidedly NOT a victim. And that is exactly where we disagree. You are entitled to believe you are a victim in those cases and I hope that works out well for you (it would not work in the least for me given my self image and values).

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I am sorry you interpreted that as flaming. I was simply confused as to why you believe you are a victim who is being played in this particular situation. I never indicated that you were raped - I was simply pointing out that you said it was consensual and then also seemed to be blaming the man for a decision you made. I find that confusing. I hope you decide to treat yourself better - i.e. stop having casual sex - since obviously it is not working well for you. It does work well for certain people, both men and women, but it doesn't seem to work for you.

 

You came here accusing men of being jerks for having casual sex. Some men would consider that offensive (I am a woman and I found it surprising at how you were describing "all men"). I simply and respectfully disagree that all men who have casual sex are behaving like jerks, the same way I disagree that all women who have casual sex are behaving like jerks. I do believe that consensual sex between two adults is just fine whether casual or otherwise. Casual sex does not work for me because I know I would get emotionally attached and thereforeeee I have never done it and likely never will. I do not think it is right for a person to promise exclusivity in order to get sex and then once that person, man or woman, gets sex to renege on that promise. That is tacky. Here it seems that you consented to casual sex and now are unhappy that you did. That is a valuable thing for you to know about yourself for next time.

 

Again I am sorry you saw my post as attacking - frankly, I saw your response in much the same light but I feel badly that you feel badly about how you are treating yourself, and thereforeeee I will put that to the side in the hopes that these responses will help you evaluate the decisions you make about yourself.

 

Good luck.

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No one is attacking you, Sadie. It's difficult to get a complete picture of what happened from reading the post that starts this thread, as it's quite fragmented. Overall, many people here have taken the time to think of helpful responses, try to take them as suggestions rather than criticism.

 

I felt too that you were generalizing quite a bit about men-just-wanting-sex. From the perspective of many men here on the board, that could have been an offensive generalization as well. I took it as part of your anger, which is more understandable now that you explained your situation. So I can see why people would suggest that it takes two to have sex-- it was not clear in the beginning that you were talking about someone who gave you the impression of wanting more than a casual fling. The picture that I had when I read your first post is that you met someone in a bar, went home with him, had a great time and never heard back from him.

 

As I understood it first, you were angry about men picking girls up in bars, so I thought that that happened to you. That is why I asked you to clarify your situation. I think you can't blame people who are willing to listen and reply to you for not immediately filling in the gaps in your story.

 

I am sorry if you see this as a reason to not post here, and don't find the suggestions that were given by other members useful in some way. They are intended to help you and not bring you down.

 

I hope you will feel better soon and that the man will respond to the note you send him.

 

Ilse

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It sounds like you have been hurt, and because of that pain you are directing these feelings at casual sex. If you are unable to handle casual sex then dont have it. It really is that simple. If you are engaging in casual sex with a person that you have an interest in and they dont share that same level of interest then you are going to get hurt because you are always going to want more. Dont be mad at men or casual sex because you got burned. The only person that you should be upset with is the guy but more so yourself because you allowed yourself to stay in this situation even when you knew that he did not have the same level of interest.

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I would add that if casual sex is not for you, do not base your decision on an "impression" - if you feel comfortable sharing your body you should feel comfortable determining precisely what his intentions are - and the best way is to have that conversation not in the heat of the moment. I have always been direct about my values and intentions when it comes to that topic and the typical reaction is respect. Sometimes it has led to never hearing from the guy again but that's ok - I was always glad I wasn't intimate with someone whose values did not match mine.

 

I will say the best thing of all with my approach is that I have never been down on men in general (well maybe for a few hours after a rejection, etc), never thought of them as players or jerks and continue to have positive friendships and romantic relationships with men who have values like mine and a great deal of respect, integrity, manners and wisdom.

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I agree with that. But I had my share of experiences before I realized that flings were not for me. I too had a painful experience where the guy would simply start to distance and not invest once we had sex. I also had some flings that I myself didn't want to be anything more, and still I found that that was degrading, for myself. So, my emotional need for a commitment was a big priority over the physical need for sex. Like Batya, (well, from that realization on) I am direct and open about what I look for. Yes, that led to some men not being interested after that. But that also made me an available woman (after having been single for 9 months or so) for the right man, who shares this idea.

 

Don't lose hope, lose the guy that doesn't commit and just take things slow.

 

Ilse

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Wow.. thanks for the kind words Day Walker..! Geez...I don't even know what his level of interest is..."The only person that you should be upset with is the guy but more so yourself because you allowed yourself to stay in this situation even when you knew that he did not have the same level of interest."

So how would you know???? LOL

We only had sex once or twice. it's not like i'm going to his house on a nightly basis and leaving once we have sex.

I don't know.. i really do like this guy.. neither one of us was really planning on having sex the night we did.. it just sort of happened..

Everything in life isn't black and white Daywalker... Just cuz you are a guy and convince women to have casual sex does that mean you get to put down women who don't feel its in their best interest.

I get a right to my opinion. but you don't get a right to flame me..

Another body for the ignore pile. LOL

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The issue is that you believe sex just "happens" rather than it being your choice (and his choice). When you decide to stop being passive about your choices it might help you make different ones. The other issue is that you are labeling as "flaming" those who question why you are thinking of yourself as a victim. It might be better not to ask for opinions if you are not quite ready to hear what people have to say even though you are comfortable making general and negative remarks about men based on your particular negative experiences. Wouldn't it work better for you to find a way not to repeat those negative experiences rather than having somewhat of a pity party?

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