Why do guys suddenly stop calling?

I was dating a guy for about 4 months. His telephone calls to me during that time were pretty infrequent. We would get together on an average of 1 day a week. After an "awesome" date, a week would go by without a single call. It started to bother me and I pointed it out to him. He asked me how long was I feeling that way? I told him for some time now. His calls improved for about a week and then suddenly stopped without any warning

It has been 11 days since I last heard from him. I feel crushed.

It seemed as if he went to full NC without any warning. I am also doing the same with no desire to contact him.

What do you guys make out of this?

Chill, it simply wasn't right... wrong time, wrong person, whose to say. Just let it go.

I don't know for sure what's going on in your case. However, I recently had a friend who had a similar problem. So I told her to call him. The phone works both ways after all.

So she called him and they did indeed get together and had a good time at his place.

After that, he never called her.

I suggested she call him one more time and try to discuss things. She called him, but they didn't discuss anything, but spent the night at his place again. (i.e. - he never takes her out anymore).

Still he never called her.

I suggested she not call him again because I'm a firm believer in never calling anyone, man or woman, more than twice without them reciprocating.

So they had NC for a while without having ever discussed that. She was suspecting that he had used her for sex and nothing more.

Well, I know the guy since we work together. So one day I tactfully asked him how thing were going with her. He indicated that he liked things as they were. i.e. - he liked receiving an occasional booty call and nothing more. To her, she wanted to date, not be his private blowup doll.

I told her never to call him again, unless she likes that arrangement. She doesn't.

I'm not saying that's what's going on with you and this guy, but maybe it is? I don't know. Try calling him once or twice, but NEVER a 3rd time in a row if he isn't reciprocating. Maybe it's time to forget this guy right now?

Thanks Survictor for your quick reply. I am indeed working on letting it go.

Charley, thanks for that story about your friend. It gives me some insight into my own situation. He is "just not into me".

Its almost always means he lost interest or found someone new- thrill is gone.

I know from experience, sucks but guys do it all the time.. try to move on fast.

Well, I've dated dozens of guys and some I was into and some not. Sometimes it wasn't because I didn't like or fancy them even, it was just they weren't offering what I wanted at that time.

If you were only seeing him once a week, it's always possible that he had another steady girlfriend and was using you as spice on the side, but not telling you about his true unavailability.

and married guys do lie sometime and pretend they are single when they aren't, string it along with infrequent contact for as long as you'll let them (until their secret gets out or they think you are asking for more then they are able to give).

at a minimum, this guy is pulling a Houdini exit on you, which is NOT nice at all, just to disappear. he probably didn't for whatever reason want to spend more time than that one date a week, and if he doesn't get what he wants, he's outta there....

after 4 months of dating, you certainly were not being unreasonable to expect to see/hear from him more than once a week, so good riddance... i suspect there was stuff going on in his life (girlfriend?wife?) that he just wasn't telling you about either because he didn't want you to know...

This sounds a lot like an expereince I had.

This guy and I dated, but he was hopeless at being around. He didn't call often either. When I look back it all seems very clear, but when you're right in the middle of it, it's easy to get confused, and even easier to keep making excuses (in my case anyway). This guy (and I) had just gout out of long term relationships, so I understoood that he didn't want to rush things. But after a while, it was only me putting in the effort. So I just gave up calling/messaging him.

Not long after, I found out he had a new gf who was a lot younger than him and worshipped the ground he walked on. I spoke to one of his friends about the situation a while after this and he said 'You were just too good for him. Too smart- you wouldn't put up with his games. I wish you gave him the boot ages ago'.

I'm not sure if this relates to you, but in my case, the guy just didn't want to put any work into the relationship. He wanted someone who did all the chasing and who thought he was a God no matter what he did. If this guy can't appreciate you and put some effort in, don't bother. Just wait for him to call you (but I don't mean wait by the phone, I just mean, don't bother calling him). Go out there and see the other guys that are out there, many of whom no how to use a phone! That's what separates us from the apes- opposable thumbs. If a guy doesn't know how to use his, maybe that should be telling you something... he he.

BeStrong,

I think you raised some very important points.

I do believe he has woman/women but does not discuss his personal life except to mention his children's mother who he said does not live with them. His children are grown but lives with him. Mother left a few years ago, but comes back to visit.

I do believe the reason for the "disappearing act" is, because I raised the question of him calling me and he does not want to give anymore than he was giving.

And I thank you for confirming that I was not making unreasonable demands regarding "more contact". I was second guessing myself on that issue, and that is the reason why it took me so long to bring it up. It was causing me severe depression and I felt that somehow it has to stop, so I decided to take the chance and discuss it with him.

End result? A disappearing act.

Shows how much he really cared.

Who knows really. My mom would tell my step-dad about something, he'd improve for about two weeks, then go back to whatever it was he was doing. My advice would be to set pride aside and get used to being the one doing the calling. He may not think it's hurting you, he may just be scatter-brained or forgetful or some guyish trait like that that they think is an excuse. If you want to talk to your man, call the guy, even if it means making the effort first. Maybe he'll get used to talking to you every day, or every other day, or whatever, and start calling you.

And I thank you for confirming that I was not making unreasonable demands regarding "more contact". I was second guessing myself on that issue, and that is the reason why it took me so long to bring it up. It was causing me severe depression and I felt that somehow it has to stop, so I decided to take the chance and discuss it with him.

You are NOT expecting too much! The person you are dating should be willing to give you what you want to a certain degree, or at least compromise. This is my theory- you may want something that others think is too demanding, or you may feel things that others think are dramatic. But irregardless, if you want them, you want them, and if you feel them, you feel them. Someone saying to you- 'You shouldn't want that' or 'You shouldn't feel that' isn't going to make you stop. Your feelings are valid, no matter what other's think of them.

And besides, it is NOT unreasonable what you are asking for. And I think most people would agree with you on that one.

Thanks Aymee for your responses.

The real problem was that he would have continued the "relationship" under the previous conditions. Only after I raised the bar, then the whole dynamics of the "relationship" changed. I believed that he was looking at a Friends with Benefits situation, since there were never any talk about "us". I am not emotionless and do get attached to someone that I am having sex with.

I am continuing with strict NC and pray to God that pain of missing him would end soon.

Regardless of what, I will preserve my dignity and keep moving forward. I know that I will be better in the long/short run.

Hang in there! If you start to miss him, remind yourself that you were missing him most of the time even when you were dating him!

It really only takes a few minutes to pick up the phone and call someone, so if he couldn't be bothered with that, then he isn't worth bothering about!

the other thing that occurred to me is that maybe he is also in a 'friends with benefits' situation with his ex-wife, so he has to restrict your access to him and watch what he says if he were to call and his kids heard and took it back to his ex-wife that daddy was talking to a woman, and she gets mad about it.

i dated a guy like this, who had large blocks of time when he went incognito and he rarely called except at odd times and never spent more than a few hours with me at a time...

i later discovered that his ex-girlfriend really wasn't his ex at all, they were still together (and she had no clue about the extracurricular activities). so he was sneaking out to see me when he could, and i think see other women on the side as well! so he had very little time to spend with any one of them other than his own girlfriend.

before i realized that i was nothing but spice on the side, at first when i pushed for more time together he would trot out a variety of excuses, but eventually i called his bluff and it just petered out after that, like what is happening to you...

he was just not going to jeopardize his primary relationship by spending too much time with anyone else (or getting caught on the phone with them by his girlfriend), so when i demanded more respect and time, he took a powder!

but don't be surprized if he makes another run at you sometime, and acts like nothing has changed between you (i.e., calls you in another week or two and expects you to just go out with him like it is perfectly ok for him to disappear).

i realized whenever i went thru a cycle where i asked more of him, he would disappear even more, i think hoping i would miss him enough to forget that i'd been telling him i expected more from him... it worked a couple times because i was feeling moony and missed him, but when i realized he was manipulating me and would never spend enough time with me to turn into a real boyfriend, i threw in the towel and stopped accomodating him, suggesting alternative times to meet that were outside our normal meeting times/places, and he pretty much wandered off after that, becuase he was NOT willing/able to see me except within strict time parameters set by himself, and probably dictated by the demands of his *real* relationship with the girlfriend that i discovered later.

so you are doing the right thing by NOT contacting him, but if he does make another run at you, i suggest you just call his bluff and put him on the spot and say you want a real boyfriend, not a disappearing and unavailable boyfriend, and definitely not somebody else's boyfriend...

Oh girl I'm sorry! I know how much this hurts as I am going through it right now too. I agree with all the other posts. So much great advice. It is so hard to see the big picture when you are caught up in the middle of it. I do think that if a guy were into having a relationship, he would put more effort into it. I myself have taken a step back and tried not to contact my guy at all. Of course I couldn't do it and texted him this week. But NC is the way to go to test the waters and see if he really wants something with you. It sucks everytime the phone rings you think it will be him. Everyday you will feel better about your life whether he is in it or not! now I just need to take the same advice! Keep your head up girl!

BeStrong,

There are some similarites in our "relationship". The asking for more and then the disappearance. But there is no doubt that his other relationship/s was the basis for his poor treatment.

In this guy's case, it seems as if he is unmarried, because he was able to spend the entire night with me. He did however mentioned very early on that there was some sexual contact between the kid's mother and him. The kid's mother live with her boyfriend. I could not get angry with him later, because I was made aware of that situation earlier on.

My real problem was his total disregard for for me which translated into total disrespect. I mean if he was unable to meet the minimum requirements i.e., calling etc., (thank God I am self-sufficient and makes a salary equal to him) he wants sex, but I still at the very least needs to feel appreciated.

I want to add, that most of those "awesome" dates were at my home, that means that he also did not spend hardly any money during those times.

When/if he calls, I will let it go to voicemail. I will not return his call.

Starjenna: I hate to tell you girl, that once you have been "categorized", whether it be "Friends with Benefits" or just not "girlfriend material", it seems as if you end up being stuck in that category and there is not getting out from there.

Please continue to maintain NC and pray that you have the strength to move on. From my experience, it only get worse.

Take care all and thanks for the advice.

He's just not into you.

The only thing that matters are his actions and words and if he's not calling, then he's not interested. It does no good to dwell on the 'why'. All of us can give you reasons, excuses, possibilities of why he didn't call, but it's all speculation and educated guesses. Just move on with the mentality that you've too much self-respect for anyone to treat you that way. It's empowering once you do that.

Yeah, I like that '3 calls' rule. It's a good indicator as to the other persons interest in you, as a person.

It just sucks when the other won't let you in on the fact that they aren't interested in more than the booty-call in the first place. That's just a game.