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Advice needed, my girlfriend won't have sex with me


swedishdude

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Hi!

 

I'm a 24 year old Swedish guy and I currently live together with my 22 year old girlfriend. We moved in together this summer and before that we dated for almost exactly a year. During the first quarter we had sex several times a week, and since then it's been dropping gradually. I can also point out that I am the one that have been doing all the initiation and that itself lowers my self esteem. After we moved in together this summer it's almost like she fulfilled her goal and now doesn't 'have to' have sex anymore. We've had sex three times in the last 4-5 months.

 

Usually she just ignores my efforts or pushes me away or it's too late and she's tired. On two occations I have brought this up for serious discussion, first time was last spring when I said that I wanted to know what's causing it or what I was doing wrong, it only made her irritated. The other time, after daily attempts for over a month I one night simply got so sad and disappointed that I wen't to sleep on the guest bed. The next morning she came in all angry and wondered what was wrong with me, I told her that her behaviour is completely devastating my self esteem and that I cannot understand why she simply doesn't want to have sex even though I know she loves it (you're probably thinking she's faking it or simply lying, but I assure you, she really does love it). Again she was only irritated and angry that I brought this up.

 

I am seriously on the verge of loosing it, to bring an idea of how this is making me feel and how desperate I have become I should mention that I have been cheated on once in a prior relationship and that completely destroyed me that time. Recently I very nearly ended up doing the same thing myself even though I am probably one of the worlds biggest anti-cheating persons there are. The prospects of sex not only

 

HOWEVER, this relationship is in all other aspects completely wonderful, and that's what's keeping me from breaking it off.

 

I realize I have a self esteem issue, and that really doesn't help when you're the one that has do initiate, or try to initiate, every single time. Please help me by giving me some sort of advice on what I should do!

 

Best Regards,

Swedishdude...

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a healthy sex life is important to a relationship. If she is unwilling to deal with it, it will kill the relationship. I wouldn't stand for it. Tell her that this is something that needs to dealt with. That your needs are not being fulfulled and that you will listen and try to work through anything that needs to be worked through. She may have something from her past she is not telling you. But either way it needs to be all out in the open and that you need a relationshipthat includes sex.

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Leave her, sex is the most important thing for a guy in a relationship, no sex = no reason to stay. And i know that will sound unreasonable for the woman reading this, but they aren't men, and don't understand that its a complete nightmare if this urge is not forfilled. Communicating is pointless, because she has a low libido , you better quit with her now and get a more willing gf, then burn in flames, and have to go cheating to forfill your needs.

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Leave her, sex is the most important thing for a guy in a relationship, no sex = no reason to stay. And i know that will sound unreasonable for the woman reading this, but they aren't men, and don't understand that its a complete nightmare if this urge is not forfilled. Communicating is pointless, because she has a low libido , you better quit with her now and get a more willing gf, then burn in flames, and have to go cheating to forfill your needs.

 

if you think the most important thing in a relationship is sex, whether you're male or female, i feel bad for you.

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Communicating is pointless, because she has a low libido , you better quit with her now and get a more willing gf, then burn in flames, and have to go cheating to forfill your needs.

 

Does people with low libido simply have low libido period, or is it possible to do something about it?

 

I am not very far from breaking this off, only that in all other aspects, things are great. Which is why I also cannot understand what the problem is. I often hear that women need to feel that everything else is 'in order' in life for them being able to have sex frequently. However I really do think that she is happy.

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read this article, you can show her too as well : link removed

 

here's the article that was printed in newspaper ( canada).

 

The mysteries of sex and the other sex

Another eternal question: What's a guy to do?

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Font: * * * * Trina Read, Vancouver Sun

Published: Friday, October 06, 2006

The old saying, "Happy wife, happy life," started me thinking about men and their sexual plight.

 

A married man who wants to retain any shred of sanity must learn to say "Yes, dear" often, no matter what the circumstance.

 

Really, what's a guy to do?

 

After his teenage years where his guys-gone-wild antics are both expected and praised, the average man in a long-term relationship gets the crummy end of the sexual stick.

 

To understand why this is so, let's take a look at the average guy's sex life as he innocently ventures into long-term relationship land.

 

Typically, he comes into a partnership equipped only with a limited sexual repertoire: Experiences he received from past partners (if any); a bit of pornography he may have seen, and some sketchy information learned in the locker room.

 

If born after 1970, he's politically correct and understands it's his "job" to pleasure the woman first -- which in his mind means giving her an orgasm.

 

No matter what his sexual experiences are compared to hers, he is expected to take charge and lead the show.

 

So with high hopes and good intentions, he goes in like a good little soldier and does his best. And at first the sex seems great.

 

But after a while she doesn't seem to be as enthusiastic in bed. Soon he notices her shying away from his touch outside the bedroom.

 

Even if he is a sensitive guy, he likely does not come equipped with good communication skills, and he's been told all his life that emotions are "girly." So, he's stuck, with zero clue of how to ask her why things have changed.

 

His clumsy attempts at managing the situation are either: a) keep it boiling-under-the-surface silent or b) start yelling.

 

If and when he finally does express his feelings and frustrations, he becomes the bad guy. You see, he didn't properly empathize with her situation.

 

Still, he keeps forging ahead and does his best to initiate sex. However, now his attempts don't suit her and she makes a list of demands as long as his arm.

 

She wants 24 hours' notice, candlelight, baths, music and all manner of things that are brand new to him.

 

And then -- and this is the "funny" part -- when he does acquiesce to her demands, she gets bent out of shape because she feels she's being forced into sex.

 

I've spoken to many women who said when her guy poured an aromatic bath or when she walked into a candlelit bedroom, her heart sank into her stomach. She didn't feel like having sex right then and there.

 

I've heard the similar comments from men who say, "I did all the romantic shtick she and the books told me to do, only for her to get even more upset, turn on her heel and walk away."

 

Or, "I tried nuzzling and kissing hours before bedtime to get her into the mood and she kept angrily pulling away from me. I guess I'm not very good at this romantic stuff." I'm certain I heard the men's hearts breaking when they confided this to me.

 

The question becomes, what's a guy to do when he wants sex? Especially if, no matter what he does, he's going to be shot down or made to feel wrong.

am in no way saying guys are perfect. But ladies, we have to start giving men some slack and empathize with their state of affairs.

 

If the roles were reversed we'd be at our wits' end.

 

He's been given minimal sex and communication training. Although he may have learned a few tricks of the trade, he was never given the opportunity to finesse the "softer side" of sex.

 

He's scared silly to talk about it because he will be considered not sexually worthy. It all adds up to a lose-lose proposition for him.

 

Plus, a big part of sex for a man is that it's his emotional connection time; during sex, he can let down his guard and be vulnerable.

 

When he's initiating sex, it's just as likely that he needs an emotional connection as much as he does the physical act. Except men don't really understand that.

 

So, if she rejects him, he doesn't know how to otherwise reach out and get his much-needed injection of couple time.

 

I empathize with all the women who are dealing with an absolute miserable bull of a man because he isn't getting any.

 

Yes, he lays down guilt trips and doesn't understand that you have more than two body parts to grab at during sex.

 

You don't deserve to be treated that way. And neither does he.

 

Dr. Trina Read is a motivational speaker and writer.

 

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To have sex less than once a month at your age is really not normal, for a man or a woman... i would expect that it would be at least twice a week, maybe even more....

 

there is a possibility that she has something medically wrong with her, a hormone imbalance, or is taking some medication that is suppressing her libido. is she on some kind of birth control pill? she needs to see a doctor to address why she once used to love sex several times a week, and not only 3 times in 4 or 5 months.

 

when you don't have sex with a person, that is being *friends*, not boyfriend-girlfriend. and if she expects you to go without sex or an abnormally low amount of sex in a realationship, then she is being unfair to you. lots of couples have differing libidos, but it is more likely that someone might want it a couple times a week while someone else wants it every day.

 

so you are NOT being unreasonable, and should not have to basically give up sex, especially at your age, and for someone who is not even your wife.

 

so i suggest you talk to her and insist she gets a medical evaluation, and/or you go to some form of counseling. if she refuses to have sex with you or go into counseling to address the problem, then i think that is an appropriate reason to break up and find a new girlfriend who does want a normal amount of sex.

 

btw, there is always the possibility that she is cheating on you and getting sex somewhere else... if a normal sexual relationship drops off to nothing, especially quickly, it can be a sign of either a medical problem, or the person is losing interest in the relationship and seeking sex elsewhere.

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Leave her, sex is the most important thing for a guy in a relationship, no sex = no reason to stay. And i know that will sound unreasonable for the woman reading this, but they aren't men, and don't understand that its a complete nightmare if this urge is not forfilled. Communicating is pointless, because she has a low libido , you better quit with her now and get a more willing gf, then burn in flames, and have to go cheating to forfill your needs.

 

I disagree with it...and I'm a guy. Sex isnt everything. You should try talking to her about it though...but if she doesnt want to then accept it for now...maybe later she'll be willing to.

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Your situation sounds similiar to mine with my wife towards then end of last year. Basically it came down to some issues I had to do with life & our marriage which was reflected in me not talking to her about them. She had picked up that I was unhappy which made her somewhat unhappy which was shown as a lack of sex drive.

 

If I had talked to her then rather than doing what I did (or had been doing) we may well still be married.

 

Personally I would say there is something deeper going on that is being realised as a lack of sexual interest. Don't take it all at face value.

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Leave her, sex is the most important thing for a guy in a relationship, no sex = no reason to stay. And i know that will sound unreasonable for the woman reading this, but they aren't men, and don't understand that its a complete nightmare if this urge is not forfilled. Communicating is pointless, because she has a low libido , you better quit with her now and get a more willing gf, then burn in flames, and have to go cheating to forfill your needs.

 

Please tell me you're being facetious. Otherwise, I find this quite offensive.

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a healthy sex life is important to a relationship. If she is unwilling to deal with it, it will kill the relationship. I wouldn't stand for it. Tell her that this is something that needs to dealt with. That your needs are not being fulfulled and that you will listen and try to work through anything that needs to be worked through. She may have something from her past she is not telling you. But either way it needs to be all out in the open and that you need a relationshipthat includes sex.

 

 

i hope you get it sorted. i've had some problems in the bedroom department with my man and ive been reluctant to sleep with him. i was bored of our sex routine, i knew exactly what he would do next, and it didnt appeal anymore. we talked about it, he's a bit upset, and it's affected his already low confidence but he needed to know and we know we'll get there in the end.

i find it very strange that she wont talk to you about it and you need to do something to make her realise how serious you are about this issue.

 

*edit* i must also add that another reason i may have been witholding sex is that i think my boyfriend is very comfrotable, settled and feels no need to romance me anymore, it makes me feel unwanted. are you both very settled or do you still 'date'?

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*edit* i must also add that another reason i may have been witholding sex is that i think my boyfriend is very comfrotable, settled and feels no need to romance me anymore, it makes me feel unwanted. are you both very settled or do you still 'date'?

 

This is indeed an issue; as I wrote earlier I'm getting the feeling that she got me to move in with her and now she's accomplished her 'goal' and no longer have to put up with sex. I should also mention that three times in this relationship has sex been initiated by her, all three times when we've been on trips.. Although one month after we moved in we wen't to Paris and stayed there for four days, we didn't have sex then either, and that was a very romantic weekend...

 

I'm beginning to get the feeling she wants me to dump her, so it's not her 'fault'. I don't know... I can tell you that we have still not had sex(2.5 months), and attemps at talking about this has been in vain. If I even mention the word sex there's a thunderstorm lying in bed beside me..

 

I cannot figure out what to do, I think about this constantly and the more I think of it the more sad/angry I become. But I can say that I am leaning slightly towards leaving her. Perhaps it's simply not worth it, there's more fish in the sea...

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My name is Angel. I am fortunaltely in a relationship where everything is almost perfect. Swedishguy, to get my relationship this far was not easy at all. In fact at some points you almost feel like offing yourself or something. (Or maybe that was just me haha.) But no matter the way you came into the relationship, what matters most is how you maintain it, bro. I'm 24 and have been with my girlfriend for 5 years going on 6. I took my time in choosing what I thought was the perfect girl for me, almost 4 years of looking when she fell in my lap. It was Heaven at first, everything seemed to go like it was divinely pre-ordained. No problems, because I made it a point to set down very strict rules in the very beginning. First of all, NEVER LIE. Even if it hurts her to tell the truth, DO IT. Don't sugar-coat anything but the usual "does this make my * * * look fat" type of questions. SECONDLY, Throw away alot of your ego and inhibitions. You'd be surprised to find out how many relationships end because the woman thinks her man is not 'outgoing' enough. Thirdly, and this goes for BOTH of you equally, you both need to stop acting so childish with this whole 'shy' thing. I realize this might be a part of who you are, but it needs to go. You both need to open up to each other and tell each other how you really feel. And Lastly, I read that you "REALLY THINK" she's happy. Well, sorry bro. But you have to consider the possibility that maybe she isn't. I'm not trying to be mean or to criticise, but this must be said. Find out whats wrong, if she gets irritated, get irritated back and bug her until she agrees to sit and talk like civilized adults. You both owe it to each other, if you really care about on another to work this out. Be strong, try as hard as you can not to just start crying and blab your way though it trying to talk though all the tears,....be strong. Be assertive, don't back off until you've had your fill of answers...or irritation. I agree that there is something she isn't telling you, otherwise she wouold not get so annoyed when trying to talk about it. You seem like a sensitive, caring guy, bro. But you need to jump out of that predictable persona you have there and mix it up a bit. Let her know you mean business. Not to be 'The MAN' in the relationship,...but to show her you care and will not let go of something that can potentially wreck everything you two have. Remember. Put your pride, shyness, and ego aside. Then go talk to her about it with INTENT. I'm rootin' for ya, bro. Best of luck, --- Angel

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I'm beginning to get the feeling she wants me to dump her, so it's not her 'fault'. I don't know... I can tell you that we have still not had sex(2.5 months), and attemps at talking about this has been in vain. If I even mention the word sex there's a thunderstorm lying in bed beside me..

 

I cannot figure out what to do, I think about this constantly and the more I think of it the more sad/angry I become. But I can say that I am leaning slightly towards leaving her. Perhaps it's simply not worth it, there's more fish in the sea...

 

The way I look at it, if your talking about breaking up with her anyway I would just bite the bullet & go for the throat. Bring up 'sex' & when she gets angry ask her why she is angry, stay calm & just tell her that sex is an important part of the relationship & it is one of the ways you show her how much you care about her. Just get it all out in the open. If you leave her without knowing the reason why then it'll always bug you.

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I just thought of something else....women are insecure by nature..(stereotypically speaking...the multitude of women) she might also be self-consious about herself and does not want intimacy before she fixes it. Another tactic might be to shower her with compliments and take her out every now and then. Don't ever forget to 'Make-out' like crazy either. They tend to miss that. As a guy, I admit I stopped doing that as well, and didn't even notice until we got into a fight and it came out. I realized my mistake, and fixed it..... just another thing to try.

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  • 2 years later...

I have been going through the same thing with my girlfriend for the last 2 years . we have sex maybe once a month on a good month . it has been driving me mad . my self esteem has been shattered . at one point she was pushing me of half way through which just killed me. it turned out that for the first 18 months she was virtually having an affair , she says nothing happened but she was txting him up to 100 times a week and hiding her phone from me . working late and going on a lot of "works " nights out that i wasnt invited to . after which she would get txts from him saying how beautiful she was . all the time saying im just paranoid .

like i say she says nothing ever happened .

 

she has stopped contacting him for nearly a year but the sex hasnt increased she wont talk about it and gets angry when i try to talk .

i dont know what to do .

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i've been going thru the same thing with my bf who i've been with for a year and who i live with. i tried talking to him about it twice and it didn't go over well. he got extremely defensive and didn't really have any good reasons. mainly that he was tired and sex isn't every thing blahblahblah. after the 2nd talk we didn't have sex for about a week and a half and then it started to pick up again. i'm scared of rejection now so i let him initiate. i honestly think that it's probably b/c he's not very happy right now. he's in a new city which i don't think he likes very much and is inactive and often bored. i think you need to figure out if your gf is happy with life in general.

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I have been married to my husband for 7 months. We have been together since July 2006. We have never had sex. (I can see jaws dropping)

 

I love the man dearly. He said he wanted to do it right this time(he was married previously) and wait to have sex until we married. I respected that. The only problem is he didn't respect me . He obviously has problems in that department that he knew about long before we married but never thought it was necessary to tell me. On our wedding night and since, he has claimed he has zero libido. I don't believe for a minute that he didn't know there were issues before we married. We hold hands, have a little kiss and go to sleep every night. He doesn't even feel he needs to "satisfy" me in any way. I guess if he can't perform I should suffer right along with him, which I find very unfair.

 

He tells me he loves me. He tells me I am beautiful and that it has nothing to do with me. But the more time goes by the sadder I get and the more unwanted a feel.

 

So I am left to feel unloved, unwanted, unattractive, and disrespected. He should have had enough respect to have let me know the situation before marriage.

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