Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 40
  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3

    Unhappy Advice needed, my girlfriend won't have sex with me

    Hi!

    I'm a 24 year old Swedish guy and I currently live together with my 22 year old girlfriend. We moved in together this summer and before that we dated for almost exactly a year. During the first quarter we had sex several times a week, and since then it's been dropping gradually. I can also point out that I am the one that have been doing all the initiation and that itself lowers my self esteem. After we moved in together this summer it's almost like she fulfilled her goal and now doesn't 'have to' have sex anymore. We've had sex three times in the last 4-5 months.

    Usually she just ignores my efforts or pushes me away or it's too late and she's tired. On two occations I have brought this up for serious discussion, first time was last spring when I said that I wanted to know what's causing it or what I was doing wrong, it only made her irritated. The other time, after daily attempts for over a month I one night simply got so sad and disappointed that I wen't to sleep on the guest bed. The next morning she came in all angry and wondered what was wrong with me, I told her that her behaviour is completely devastating my self esteem and that I cannot understand why she simply doesn't want to have sex even though I know she loves it (you're probably thinking she's faking it or simply lying, but I assure you, she really does love it). Again she was only irritated and angry that I brought this up.

    I am seriously on the verge of loosing it, to bring an idea of how this is making me feel and how desperate I have become I should mention that I have been cheated on once in a prior relationship and that completely destroyed me that time. Recently I very nearly ended up doing the same thing myself even though I am probably one of the worlds biggest anti-cheating persons there are. The prospects of sex not only

    HOWEVER, this relationship is in all other aspects completely wonderful, and that's what's keeping me from breaking it off.

    I realize I have a self esteem issue, and that really doesn't help when you're the one that has do initiate, or try to initiate, every single time. Please help me by giving me some sort of advice on what I should do!

    Best Regards,
    Swedishdude...

  2. #2
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Los Angeles
    Posts
    857
    Gender
    Female
    a healthy sex life is important to a relationship. If she is unwilling to deal with it, it will kill the relationship. I wouldn't stand for it. Tell her that this is something that needs to dealt with. That your needs are not being fulfulled and that you will listen and try to work through anything that needs to be worked through. She may have something from her past she is not telling you. But either way it needs to be all out in the open and that you need a relationshipthat includes sex.

  3. #3
    robowarrior's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    There where a man is happy.
    Posts
    1,927
    Leave her, sex is the most important thing for a guy in a relationship, no sex = no reason to stay. And i know that will sound unreasonable for the woman reading this, but they aren't men, and don't understand that its a complete nightmare if this urge is not forfilled. Communicating is pointless, because she has a low libido , you better quit with her now and get a more willing gf, then burn in flames, and have to go cheating to forfill your needs.

  4. #4
    Member bitbit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Age
    28
    Posts
    183
    Gender
    Female
    the only problem i see is her lack of communication. it's not fair of her to deny you any kind of reason or response to your questions. there are two people in a relationship and you deserve an answer.
    i may be small, but at least i'm short.

  5. #5
    Member bitbit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Age
    28
    Posts
    183
    Gender
    Female
    Quote Originally Posted by robowarrior View Post
    Leave her, sex is the most important thing for a guy in a relationship, no sex = no reason to stay. And i know that will sound unreasonable for the woman reading this, but they aren't men, and don't understand that its a complete nightmare if this urge is not forfilled. Communicating is pointless, because she has a low libido , you better quit with her now and get a more willing gf, then burn in flames, and have to go cheating to forfill your needs.
    if you think the most important thing in a relationship is sex, whether you're male or female, i feel bad for you.
    i may be small, but at least i'm short.

  6. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    3
    Quote Originally Posted by robowarrior View Post
    Communicating is pointless, because she has a low libido , you better quit with her now and get a more willing gf, then burn in flames, and have to go cheating to forfill your needs.
    Does people with low libido simply have low libido period, or is it possible to do something about it?

    I am not very far from breaking this off, only that in all other aspects, things are great. Which is why I also cannot understand what the problem is. I often hear that women need to feel that everything else is 'in order' in life for them being able to have sex frequently. However I really do think that she is happy.

  7. #7
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    470
    read this article, you can show her too as well : http://www.canada.com/vancouversun/...c5-253bb8ba25f6

    here's the article that was printed in newspaper ( canada).

    The mysteries of sex and the other sex
    Another eternal question: What's a guy to do?
    Article Tools
    Printer friendly
    E-mail
    Font: * * * * Trina Read, Vancouver Sun
    Published: Friday, October 06, 2006
    The old saying, "Happy wife, happy life," started me thinking about men and their sexual plight.

    A married man who wants to retain any shred of sanity must learn to say "Yes, dear" often, no matter what the circumstance.

    Really, what's a guy to do?

    After his teenage years where his guys-gone-wild antics are both expected and praised, the average man in a long-term relationship gets the crummy end of the sexual stick.

    To understand why this is so, let's take a look at the average guy's sex life as he innocently ventures into long-term relationship land.

    Typically, he comes into a partnership equipped only with a limited sexual repertoire: Experiences he received from past partners (if any); a bit of pornography he may have seen, and some sketchy information learned in the locker room.

    If born after 1970, he's politically correct and understands it's his "job" to pleasure the woman first -- which in his mind means giving her an orgasm.

    No matter what his sexual experiences are compared to hers, he is expected to take charge and lead the show.

    So with high hopes and good intentions, he goes in like a good little soldier and does his best. And at first the sex seems great.

    But after a while she doesn't seem to be as enthusiastic in bed. Soon he notices her shying away from his touch outside the bedroom.

    Even if he is a sensitive guy, he likely does not come equipped with good communication skills, and he's been told all his life that emotions are "girly." So, he's stuck, with zero clue of how to ask her why things have changed.

    His clumsy attempts at managing the situation are either: a) keep it boiling-under-the-surface silent or b) start yelling.

    If and when he finally does express his feelings and frustrations, he becomes the bad guy. You see, he didn't properly empathize with her situation.

    Still, he keeps forging ahead and does his best to initiate sex. However, now his attempts don't suit her and she makes a list of demands as long as his arm.

    She wants 24 hours' notice, candlelight, baths, music and all manner of things that are brand new to him.

    And then -- and this is the "funny" part -- when he does acquiesce to her demands, she gets bent out of shape because she feels she's being forced into sex.

    I've spoken to many women who said when her guy poured an aromatic bath or when she walked into a candlelit bedroom, her heart sank into her stomach. She didn't feel like having sex right then and there.

    I've heard the similar comments from men who say, "I did all the romantic shtick she and the books told me to do, only for her to get even more upset, turn on her heel and walk away."

    Or, "I tried nuzzling and kissing hours before bedtime to get her into the mood and she kept angrily pulling away from me. I guess I'm not very good at this romantic stuff." I'm certain I heard the men's hearts breaking when they confided this to me.

    The question becomes, what's a guy to do when he wants sex? Especially if, no matter what he does, he's going to be shot down or made to feel wrong.
    am in no way saying guys are perfect. But ladies, we have to start giving men some slack and empathize with their state of affairs.

    If the roles were reversed we'd be at our wits' end.

    He's been given minimal sex and communication training. Although he may have learned a few tricks of the trade, he was never given the opportunity to finesse the "softer side" of sex.

    He's scared silly to talk about it because he will be considered not sexually worthy. It all adds up to a lose-lose proposition for him.

    Plus, a big part of sex for a man is that it's his emotional connection time; during sex, he can let down his guard and be vulnerable.

    When he's initiating sex, it's just as likely that he needs an emotional connection as much as he does the physical act. Except men don't really understand that.

    So, if she rejects him, he doesn't know how to otherwise reach out and get his much-needed injection of couple time.

    I empathize with all the women who are dealing with an absolute miserable bull of a man because he isn't getting any.

    Yes, he lays down guilt trips and doesn't understand that you have more than two body parts to grab at during sex.

    You don't deserve to be treated that way. And neither does he.

    Dr. Trina Read is a motivational speaker and writer.

    drtrina@trina-read.com
    Last edited by candy604; 12-05-2006 at 08:45 PM.

  8. #8
    Silver Member ScreenagerX's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Age
    38
    Posts
    241
    Gender
    Male
    Is it just this issue that she doesn't really wish to discuss or has the general communication level between the two of you taken a dive?
    So turn away from the ones, who hurt everyone
    I can tell by your smile, you're comin undone
    I could bleed for a smile, could die for a gun
    Walk away from the sun and kill everyone

  9. #9
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Los Angeles
    Posts
    857
    Gender
    Female
    It's not unreasonable at all to end a relationship becuase the is no sex in it.
    I need sex, I wouldn't stay with a man that doesn't want sex. I am a healthy 30 year old women, I'm just hitting my peak.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member BeStrongBeHappy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    7,349
    Gender
    Female
    To have sex less than once a month at your age is really not normal, for a man or a woman... i would expect that it would be at least twice a week, maybe even more....

    there is a possibility that she has something medically wrong with her, a hormone imbalance, or is taking some medication that is suppressing her libido. is she on some kind of birth control pill? she needs to see a doctor to address why she once used to love sex several times a week, and not only 3 times in 4 or 5 months.

    when you don't have sex with a person, that is being *friends*, not boyfriend-girlfriend. and if she expects you to go without sex or an abnormally low amount of sex in a realationship, then she is being unfair to you. lots of couples have differing libidos, but it is more likely that someone might want it a couple times a week while someone else wants it every day.

    so you are NOT being unreasonable, and should not have to basically give up sex, especially at your age, and for someone who is not even your wife.

    so i suggest you talk to her and insist she gets a medical evaluation, and/or you go to some form of counseling. if she refuses to have sex with you or go into counseling to address the problem, then i think that is an appropriate reason to break up and find a new girlfriend who does want a normal amount of sex.

    btw, there is always the possibility that she is cheating on you and getting sex somewhere else... if a normal sexual relationship drops off to nothing, especially quickly, it can be a sign of either a medical problem, or the person is losing interest in the relationship and seeking sex elsewhere.

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Related Articles & Books
by Margarita Nahapetyan
One of the biggest causes of stress and unhappiness in life are failed relationships. Making a relationship work is one of the most important life ...
by Margarita Nahapetyan
It has been universally acknowledged that having a long distance relationship is not such a good idea, especially if there is no known end-date to ...
by Margarita Nahapetyan
Some people say that when we deeply love or care about someone we automatically open the door to betrayal. I am not sure whether such statement holds ...
 

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Expert Advice

Online
Call
$1.95/minute
I do have extensive training and experience in clinical, counseling and transpersonal psychology. I provide counseling support for those willing to work on themselves...
Online
Chat
$3.49/minute
Is your relationship going through a tough time? Need an objective point of view? Lets figure out how to make things work.
Online
CallChat
$2.67/minute
► If we take a good look, we can learn more about ourselves in relationships than anywhere else! ◄
Online
Call
$1.65/minute
"Patricia took a very difficult situation and helped me find my way through it with compassion, skill, and wisdom. An A+ therapist." You can trust my 20+ years of experience!
Online
Call
$2.65/minute
Our life is made up of relationships - at home, at work, on vacation, even in a crisis...we relate to others. I can help you learn to relate in healthy and positive ways.