who pays?

btbt · 11-30-2006, 10:55 AM

So have rules for who pays for the date changed?

Scenario:
First date with a guy met online, went for coffee. We each paid our own way, which made sense.

Second date with guy, went for dinner and drinks. Guy left the check sitting on the table for a long time then asked me if I wanted him to pay my share or have him pay. I said it didn't matter. He said that he would pay but did not want to offend me, so I said, no it doesn't offend me

But I got the sense that he wouldn't have minded at all if I paid. Then, I paid for drinks, but guy made no gesture of, "no, no, let me do that."

Am I being old-fashioned to think that guys should pay on the first few dates? Why wouldn't they want to (outside of money issues -- he's very well-off, or outside of interest issues -- he keeps calling me for more dates).

Thanks for your opinions!

rose2summer · 11-30-2006, 10:59 AM

This guy is a major cheatwad.

What kind of guy asks you if you want him to pay?

He either does it or doesn't, not make a scene out of it.

I think the person who asked you out should pay, and on the first date, the guy should pay, then once you are a couple, you can switch back and forth.

But his tactics leave something to be desired.

I think he asked you that to test you, to see if you would either bend over and pay, helping his cheapwad pocket or because he was seeing if you are a golddigger because he is well-off.

Next time you go out, don't offer to pay at all and see what reaction that brings.

I had the same thing happen on my first date with my ex. The bill came and he didn't even offer to pay for it. I got frustrated then paid the bill, and then after I paid it, he says, oh I never saw the bill, let me pay for it. I said I had to go home. He called for another date, and I said no way, I am not a 24hr bank of america.

Hugs, Rose

chai714 · 11-30-2006, 11:00 AM

Opinions on this will vary.

My opinion is that the guy should pay the first date but it's a kind gesture if the woman offers to pay her share. If we go to dinner then drinks and the woman pays for drinks without flinching, she's getting more points in my book.

p.s. the dating world has no rules. it's anarchy, which makes it exciting but dangerous.

luvursmile · 11-30-2006, 11:00 AM

I agree with you. I think the guy should pay for the first few dates. On the other hand, things have changed, and it is perfectly acceptable & PC for a woman to pay. Im kinda traditional though. I think, just out of courtesy, the guy should pay for the first few dates. We, as women, should offer to split the bill, at least. My perfect scenario would be to go to dinner with guy, have him pay, then I would pay for drinks or offer to treat him somewhere else for dessert or something like that.

So, no, i dont think you're being old fashioned.

amtjrtcet · 11-30-2006, 11:01 AM

On me and my b/f's first date we split it. Then for the next 4 or 5 dates he paid. And after that we take turns. We make about the same amount of $, so I think its fair that way. But as for the first few dates, yes I think the guy should pay.

honeyspur · 11-30-2006, 11:05 AM

Yes, this is no longer a set custom.
If the man paying is something you would enjoy, something that would make you feel loved and cared for, then go with it.
It's not a character flaw on his part - putting judgement on him is a mistake IMO.
This guy could be a good friend and you might want to steer things in that direction.

If you like the idea of paying once in awhile or splitting down the middle, then you might have found the perfect guy.

Go where your heart goes and if you are honest, this guy won't be too hurt if you just speak up one way or the other. Who knows...if you want him to pay....all you might have to do is ask....

Batya33 · 11-30-2006, 11:08 AM

My opinion is that the first meeting via online is not an official date. It is nice if the guy pays, sure, but it is fine if you each pay your own way (another reason I suggest only doing coffee, as you did). I think the guy should offer to pay on the first few official dates. I think the woman should offer to pay her own way at least by the second official date and after the first few dates she should offer to treat or do something in kind like buy him a book or a CD he mentioned he liked.

Once you are dating steadily and it is understood that you will see each other regularly, I think the woman should do part of the asking and planning and treating. How that is divided should be up to what makes the couple comfortable.

In this case I think the guy handled the situation poorly. If he wanted to treat, he should have just picked up the check and done so. I understand some men are "concerned" about whether certain women might be "offended" by this but in this case I don't think that was his concern at all - he wanted to see if you would offer to pay your share or treat and then used the "I didn't want to offend you" as an excuse.

spunkmaster · 11-30-2006, 11:14 AM

I agree, on my and my BFs first date, we each paid our own way. After that, it was whoever asked who for the date that paid. Then once we became serious, we just took turns. Or if one of us is going thru a rough patch with money, the other one pays, and vice versa.

I don't think there are any set rules anymore, what with women becoming uber-independent and all. I think it kinda intimidates guys, and forces them out of traditional roles, so they are unsure of what to do. But in the OP's case, I think (if he really did have money, as she says) he was just checking for gold digger tendencies.

btbt · 11-30-2006, 11:37 AM

Hey, thanks everyone. Maybe he was checking for my gold-digger tendencies, but he knows what I do and that I'm not broke.

Okay, next scenario: he asks me to go see a show, which he already has tickets to. If there is dinner and/or drinks afterwards or before, do I volunteer to pay since he bought the tickets? And remember, he's always doing the asking.

And if you say that I shouldn't pay and I should wait and see what he does, do I just sit there and do nothing? That's so uncomfortable!

Okay, and finally, what are the reasons that a guy does not pay for dates -- I'm going to start another thread on this to get a list going. This should be interesting!

luvursmile · 11-30-2006, 11:42 AM

I think you should offer to pay for the drinks. Just ask him after the show, "Wanna go for a night cap?" Then you pay. If he says no, that he'd rather go for dinner, then he should pay.

11-30-2006, 10:55 AM	#1
btbt Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 274	who pays? So have rules for who pays for the date changed? Scenario: First date with a guy met online, went for coffee. We each paid our own way, which made sense. Second date with guy, went for dinner and drinks. Guy left the check sitting on the table for a long time then asked me if I wanted him to pay my share or have him pay. I said it didn't matter. He said that he would pay but did not want to offend me, so I said, no it doesn't offend me But I got the sense that he wouldn't have minded at all if I paid. Then, I paid for drinks, but guy made no gesture of, "no, no, let me do that." Am I being old-fashioned to think that guys should pay on the first few dates? Why wouldn't they want to (outside of money issues -- he's very well-off, or outside of interest issues -- he keeps calling me for more dates). Thanks for your opinions!

11-30-2006, 10:59 AM	#2
rose2summer Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 2,389	This guy is a major cheatwad. What kind of guy asks you if you want him to pay? He either does it or doesn't, not make a scene out of it. I think the person who asked you out should pay, and on the first date, the guy should pay, then once you are a couple, you can switch back and forth. But his tactics leave something to be desired. I think he asked you that to test you, to see if you would either bend over and pay, helping his cheapwad pocket or because he was seeing if you are a golddigger because he is well-off. Next time you go out, don't offer to pay at all and see what reaction that brings. I had the same thing happen on my first date with my ex. The bill came and he didn't even offer to pay for it. I got frustrated then paid the bill, and then after I paid it, he says, oh I never saw the bill, let me pay for it. I said I had to go home. He called for another date, and I said no way, I am not a 24hr bank of america. Hugs, Rose __________________ If life is fulfilled we go away with empty hands. ~Chinese Proverb~ With every failure, there's a chance for success. With every failure, there's a chance to learn. ~Rose~

11-30-2006, 11:00 AM	#3
chai714 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The End of the Pier Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 2,705	Opinions on this will vary. My opinion is that the guy should pay the first date but it's a kind gesture if the woman offers to pay her share. If we go to dinner then drinks and the woman pays for drinks without flinching, she's getting more points in my book. p.s. the dating world has no rules. it's anarchy, which makes it exciting but dangerous. __________________ "Your mind is your greatest weapon." - David J. Lieberman, Ph.D "Most every person or situation can be influenced through the power of psychology."

11-30-2006, 11:01 AM	#5
amtjrtcet Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,876	On me and my b/f's first date we split it. Then for the next 4 or 5 dates he paid. And after that we take turns. We make about the same amount of $, so I think its fair that way. But as for the first few dates, yes I think the guy should pay. __________________ Whah, whah, whah, whah, whah...... Does this knife in my back make my ass look big? ~ Dancers are the athletes of God. ~

11-30-2006, 11:08 AM	#7
Batya33 Online Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,072	My opinion is that the first meeting via online is not an official date. It is nice if the guy pays, sure, but it is fine if you each pay your own way (another reason I suggest only doing coffee, as you did). I think the guy should offer to pay on the first few official dates. I think the woman should offer to pay her own way at least by the second official date and after the first few dates she should offer to treat or do something in kind like buy him a book or a CD he mentioned he liked. Once you are dating steadily and it is understood that you will see each other regularly, I think the woman should do part of the asking and planning and treating. How that is divided should be up to what makes the couple comfortable. In this case I think the guy handled the situation poorly. If he wanted to treat, he should have just picked up the check and done so. I understand some men are "concerned" about whether certain women might be "offended" by this but in this case I don't think that was his concern at all - he wanted to see if you would offer to pay your share or treat and then used the "I didn't want to offend you" as an excuse. Last edited by Batya33; 11-30-2006 at 11:11 AM.

11-30-2006, 11:00 AM	#4
luvursmile Offline Silver Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 395	I agree with you. I think the guy should pay for the first few dates. On the other hand, things have changed, and it is perfectly acceptable & PC for a woman to pay. Im kinda traditional though. I think, just out of courtesy, the guy should pay for the first few dates. We, as women, should offer to split the bill, at least. My perfect scenario would be to go to dinner with guy, have him pay, then I would pay for drinks or offer to treat him somewhere else for dessert or something like that. So, no, i dont think you're being old fashioned.

11-30-2006, 11:05 AM	#6
honeyspur Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Michigan Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 690	Yes, this is no longer a set custom. If the man paying is something you would enjoy, something that would make you feel loved and cared for, then go with it. It's not a character flaw on his part - putting judgement on him is a mistake IMO. This guy could be a good friend and you might want to steer things in that direction. If you like the idea of paying once in awhile or splitting down the middle, then you might have found the perfect guy. Go where your heart goes and if you are honest, this guy won't be too hurt if you just speak up one way or the other. Who knows...if you want him to pay....all you might have to do is ask....

11-30-2006, 11:14 AM	#8
spunkmaster Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Illinois Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 264	I agree, on my and my BFs first date, we each paid our own way. After that, it was whoever asked who for the date that paid. Then once we became serious, we just took turns. Or if one of us is going thru a rough patch with money, the other one pays, and vice versa. I don't think there are any set rules anymore, what with women becoming uber-independent and all. I think it kinda intimidates guys, and forces them out of traditional roles, so they are unsure of what to do. But in the OP's case, I think (if he really did have money, as she says) he was just checking for gold digger tendencies. __________________ Need extra money? Ask me about my legitimate work at home job! It won't make you rich quick, but it will put extra money in your pocket! "Try a little tenderness!"--Otis Redding

11-30-2006, 11:37 AM	#9
btbt Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 274	Hey, thanks everyone. Maybe he was checking for my gold-digger tendencies, but he knows what I do and that I'm not broke. Okay, next scenario: he asks me to go see a show, which he already has tickets to. If there is dinner and/or drinks afterwards or before, do I volunteer to pay since he bought the tickets? And remember, he's always doing the asking. And if you say that I shouldn't pay and I should wait and see what he does, do I just sit there and do nothing? That's so uncomfortable! Okay, and finally, what are the reasons that a guy does not pay for dates -- I'm going to start another thread on this to get a list going. This should be interesting! Last edited by btbt; 11-30-2006 at 11:41 AM.

11-30-2006, 11:42 AM	#10
luvursmile Offline Silver Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 395	I think you should offer to pay for the drinks. Just ask him after the show, "Wanna go for a night cap?" Then you pay. If he says no, that he'd rather go for dinner, then he should pay.