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Wht Are The Rules For Giving Space?


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I do care about her so much when she told me about her life I felt bad for her one bad relationship after another always ended up being cheated on. She is freaked out because she says she's never had anyone treat her like I do & she doesn't know how to deal with it. I've being trying to show her I'm not how much she means to me but it seems to be backfiring on me. Nice guys finish last thing & then this guy chipping away at her emotions on top of everything else she has to deal with. I just feel helpless that were not even going to get the chance to even get this thing between us going. I'm going to give her the space I just hope my pressing for the truth hasn't ruined things already. I to have been cheated on more times then I care to admit & because of that have add to this problem to the point she feels it's not worth it. Very bummed about it.

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Kissfrk, here are my recommendations.

 

1) No contact means no email either. Did you already send her that email you included in your post? If you did, don't beat yourself up... but please, please don't send her any more emails, or calls, or texts, or letters, or anything. Really, man... I've done all this and the pain just gets worse for it. Trust me.

 

2) You have an imaginary future with her, right? You know what I mean. You've thought about it. Your house together, your kids, your car, your job, where you will be in your lives together 10 or 20 or 50 years from now.

 

Let it go. That imaginary future, that fantasy you impose on your romantic feelings for another person, is the thing that will cause you *most* pain in letting go of her if it becomes necessary. It's imaginary, it doesn't exist anywhere but in the cubic inches within your skull, and it can only make your life more difficult. Your future is YOURS to determine, man, no woman should be able to hijack it and your happiness with it. Erase that whole picture from your mind immediately... and be open to what follows.

 

3) Stop making excuses for her. SHE is in the wrong... affair with a married man! You know what kind of person has affairs with married men? An inconsiderate, selfish person who thinks everything can be excused by saying "oh, but I couldn't control my FEELINGS".

 

B.S. man, complete freaking B.S. If she is that spoiled rotten a human being that she will go ahead and take measures to make herself feel good without caring about what kind of pain she might be potentially causing anybody else... how do you REALLY think she is likely to end up treating YOU?

 

And, now that it's become apparent that she is still in contact with this married man, you blame only *him* for messing with her emotions by sending him videotapes. Worst of all... you blame *yourself* for possibly destroying your relationship with this woman by being angry with her for maintaining contact with that guy, and for expressing your anger to her!

 

Stand up for yourself, dude. Really. You have every right to be hopping mad. And if you weren't so emotionally involved, you could look at this woman objectively and think again whether you want to be involved with someone like that. There is a type of person who will go ahead and have affairs, flings and such without any sense of responsibility or any thought to the consequences for anyone besides herself, and you do NOT want to be involved with them. I will bet anything that this woman is such a person, from what you've said about her.

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Yes I gave her that letter last Tuesday before she left on her trip. I sent her an e-mail before I gave her that letter which was way off the mark on what her issues where. I didn't want her to leave thinking I'm not see her side of things. No I haven't thought about any future with her I'm not that far out of touch. Trust me I have thought about everything your saying over & over. Do I accept she was an evil person which she has admitted to being at the time or do I accept she was at a low point in her life & this guy took advantage of her by showing her attention & manipulating her. She feels she wants this guy in her life because he's been there in troubled times she just doesn't see him for who he is. Do I take a chance & play the fool (for awhile) or take a stand (which would surely end things in there current state). That is really my struggle, she may realize what this guy is up to now that I have given her my opinion on him because up until now only her sister knew about the affair & I'm sure she wasn't that forward. Again I don't plan to make contact, I've put myself in her shoes. She may feel ashamed to have me find out about this in such a new relationship the fact we've even made it this far says something of our commitment to one another but it is taking it's toll mostly because I keep dwelling on it. Here is a bit of e-mail she sent me last Sunday:

 

As I said before I have some issues I am dealing with and one of them

to me that has been my major issue(and I know it is my reason for

holding back on the affection and being the touchy feely person that I

am); I am having a hard time with letting myself fall in love with

you. Its not because of you its because of me. I love being with you,

doing things with you, cuddling with you, but I am not ready to give my

heart fully to you and it has nothing to do with that man!!!! or you!!!

Its me, I am not able to fully commit to anyone, as I have also

explained to you when we were up north. I don't know if it is a

protection thing or what it is and I am trying to understand it. You

are a wonderful, sweet, caring, loving man and I don't understand what

is keeping me back from letting go, other than possibly I fear losing

you. As I have explained to you before I lose everything I love, so it

is easier for me just not to love!!!! But I am sure that is not the

whole issue. But because you have become so focused on the other issue,

I find myself pushing away from you more and more, and not really

wanting to understand what's holding me back from letting go and just

loving you.

 

I felt up till last night that eventually if you could just let go of

the past issue, we would have a wonderful fun life, but honestly I

really don't know anymore. I don't know where I want to go from here.

I have so much else emotionally I deal with on a daily basis that I

can't control , I just don't know any more if I want to try and make

this work. I agree it could have been something so wonderful. I have

fought for us for 2 months now, and frankly I am just exhausted from

this fight!!!!Two people who care for each other should not be letting

anything interfer with there relationship, yet you have let it WHY, WHY

IS this been such a big thing for you???? I have tried to understand

really I have, but the way I look at things life is too short and I

don;t know that I have the fight to make this work anymore because I

feeling like I am going to find myself walking on egg shells or

wondering if you will be going through my stuff, whether or not you are

being open with me, what is bothering you when I sense something is

wrong, etc.

 

I don't know what to say to you at this point as I don't know

what I want to do. I need to get my head on straight before I can

really figure out whether I want to fight for this relationship or not.

Answering that question now would not be fair to you or me, so I leave

it in the air for now. I am sorry but thats the only answer you will

get from me right now. I am barely functioning, please do not

push me for an answer.

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Oh I've got tons of friends & interests I'm just really on the fence about this right now. Your right I just gotta get my head around that need to let her go, I don't like to give up so easily & it seems more like denial on her part. I'm holding on to how great we were together before this stupid issue came about & if we could get past this & whatever else is bothering her could be again. As tough as our situation is at times it been mostly good. I guess I need to hear from her first to know for sure. I'm hopeless I know.

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Thanks & I have been doing that. It just blows me away how such stupid things can get blown so far out of wack. It's just hard knowing when it call it quits. I usually tough it out till I get crushed & that's my fault. We'll see what happens next. Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll need some help!!!

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yeah, hang on until you know for sure there is nothing left?

 

She has requested time and space though so just begin to work on your own future without her.

 

What will be, will be. It isn't worth forcing anything and will cause you more pain in the long run.

 

Stop thinking about her and do something else.

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Ya she has all the real issues to deal with, If you love something set it free, If it loves you it will come back. Just sucks! finally get back to work next week after being off for 5 months. Lost my eyesight in one eye because of diabetes. I'm sure that's been a good chunk of my problem too much time to think. She even mentioned that. Thanks Again!!

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It hurts most because I don't if she was just playing me or not. I'm usually upset with myself for giving too much to quick then looking back & realizing how blind I was. I kind of lost faith in relationships as you could probely tell by my 9yr break from them. So I thought I'd take a chance & here i am 3 months in & the same old BS. Seems to get worse as we get older everybody with tons of baggage. All I wanted for her to do is tell me the truth & she lied from day one, I guess i should be thankful it's only 3 months & not 3yrs. I guess I'm just more disappointed than anything. We keep pluggin though!!! Thanks for the words it's helped clear my head.

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Yes, this has been a lesson. Gokker hit it on the head if she has that much selfish in her how is she going to treat me. Correction has been treating me, complete lack of respect for my feeling and now running away instead of working through the problem till we find a solution. Early warning signs of the future I'm sure!

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Give her the space. My ex asked for it, and I did not listen... It's been down hill from there. Each time I contacted, I felt worse. Sometimes she answered, sometimes she did not. You will probably never know what's really behind why she is asking for space, no matter what she tells you... I am not saying not to trust her, but seriously...

 

I spent many a night wondering what the "space" was for. The best advice I can give you, which was given to me by multiple people (and I never listened).

 

Let her know that you are moving on with life. If you are available when/if she wants to get back together with you, then there is a chance. But waiting, questioning, and searching for answers only makes it worse for you. I hope you can follow through with it. I lost me in the whole process trying to get her back...

 

Good luck my friend.

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Hi I would give her space. LOTS OF IT.

 

I'm currently sorting things out slowly with my ex but when he broke up with me and wanted space I backed off asap. He told me that he felt relief for a few weeks then painfully missed me like crazy.

 

I give him loads of space now and he still misses having me around.

 

So do as she wishes. It will also demonstrate your respect for her immediate needs at this moment in time.

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Thank You all, I am listening to everything I am hearing & holding strong. I'm not hurting to badly just upset that I really may have misjudged who she is as a person. I'm really questioning whether she is the person for me at this point. Her morals or lack there of has me wondering. Everyone makes mistakes but for her to be around this guys wife & daughter once in a while with no sign of guilt makes me wonder. I can only imagine what this woman would feel like if she found out the truth. what I know about her affair & how she has conducted herself since is real & your right I'll never know the real truth as to why she needs this space. I think maybe the only way to win is to just move on & leave all the drama behind but there is that part of me that wants to believe in her. She did get me through a really tough time with my eyes, why would she bother & then just piss it all away. I think she is just a very confuse woman who has never had any real support from anyone & hides very well the hurt she feels. I'm getting all sappy here but I do see the good in her. When things are going good in a relationship it doesn't take a lot of effort. When things are tough it's when you need to be there the most to show you are supporting them. This is why I am giving her her space to sort this out for herself. I hope she realizes that what I'm offering her is a real loving relationship where as she is only a piece of a** to this guy with alot of sweet talk. Time will tell & I guess I'll make my decision when or if the time comes.

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I have required 'ME' time in a relationship and when the person refused to give me that time, I backed off completely. I feel that if a person refuses to comply with a serious request, they can put no value on my feelings nor respect me. That relationship has always ended.

 

My husband did go along with my request. I wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship, let alone with him and I felt a little crowded. He complied graciously and although he did call me, he did not ask to see me. I then felt in control. I was a bit worried at the relationship moving too fast when I didn't feel ready. I would then ask him to visit me or ask if he wanted to go and see a movie and the relationship progressed.

 

Just relax and let her take the driving seat.

 

Great advice, but hard to do. I am in the very same boat. My SO is not cheating, but is confused. I got upset cause she was coming on so hard and wanted space. She really put the brakes on.

 

This was Thursday night. I left her place to let her think and give her space. She asked me to stay many times and I should have. I should have showed her I was ok with it.

 

I hope I didn't mess it up. I would at least like the chance to know her. She invited me to lunch and is supposed to call on Sunday, so we shall see.

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for awhile there I thought we were dating the same girl! haha

 

same story for me except different baggage, and for awhile I was on the fence of staying and being supportive, or walking away and give her the space to miss me.

 

I imagine you can tell what I'm doing now

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In any relationship; long standing or short ones too... you MUST respect what the other person is saying to you even if you simply don't agree or want that.

 

If you choose to ignore the other person's request, it says a lot about you as a person and personally, if someone ignored my request to give me space, then I would have serious doubts about that person's ability to treat me the way I should be and needed to be treated now and in the future! It says a helluva lot if you won't listen to the person you profess to love and this seems to be more about what you want.

 

My now husband backed off when I said I wasn't ready to get into a relationship and that I didn't want to rush anything I wasn't ready for. In fact, he was getting ready to spend the night... again... and I like my space! He wasn't giving it and I didn't know if I wanted him to put his eggs all in one basket with me! I was not sure if I wanted committment with him or anyone and so even though he treated me better than anyone has ever done in my life, I still didn't know if I wanted to take it forward to another level and needed time to think.

 

He would call me to ask how I was and we would chat awhile but unless I asked for his company, he didn't ask me. And so, I would ask him to visit and he would leave later, unless I asked him if he would like to stay and this is how it continued for a while.

 

I actually told him that I was in love with him! That's something I would never say unless I really meant it.

 

And I still do.

 

It all does come down to respect in the end.

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That's how things have gone for the last 2 months I let her call & decide when to spend time which was alot. I believe she was trying to be there for me & be the girlfriend she thought she should be. Things just weren't making sense to me. She'd be coming on to me 1 second then rolling over & going to sleep the next. Making comments on how I'm not allowed to fall in love with her. That I don't know her & may not like who she is. Just really negitive stuff then on top of that my suspicions about the friendship with this guy. Before I found out about the affair the way she would talk about this guy, like he walked on water. She even told him she loved him at the end of a message she left for him while I was standing there. She has just created such an insecurity for me I don't know what to believe. She swears up & down she has never cheated on me. I've asked her if she had seen him outside of work (He is a cop & they cross paths once in a while) during our relationship. She pause for a long time then said no (which would indicate she's not telling the truth to me). When I found the video tape we had a conversation where I said don't hide things from me. I hoped she would come clean about the tape & she didn't. Then I really lost my cool on Saturday when I found a recording of phone messages he had left of how much he enjoyed having sex & how much he loved her. I was under the impression until that point they had only done it once, realized their mistake & just went back to being friends. Another lie I caught her in surronding this guy. Yet she can't understand why I have such an issue with him. She did explain some things to me & I didn't break up with her like I was going to. I was hard on her but left feeling we could still make this work, she ask for the key to her house back & I left. When I got home & slept on it I wrote her this email: This is for all the readers again, lol

 

I'll try to keep this short. I left last night unbearabley upset, I felt that you were willing to

 

work this threw & I'm still positive we can if you decide that is what you want to do. Believe me

 

I've thought about things all night & tried to put myself in your shoes as to why you wouldn't tell

 

me the truth when I found the letter. I want you to please know that I do understand your

 

feelings knowing how crushed you are about the fact it happened, the story you told me was

 

the quickest & easiest way for you to deal with it & put it to rest again & that you weren't tring

 

to decieve me intentionally. I BELIEVE that this was your reasoning. I BELIEVE you when you say

 

have never lied to me about anything else & that you have been open & honest about yourself. I

 

know you feel responsible the affair happened & you don't want his life ruined because of your

 

mistake that is why you are concerned about it getting out & I can't imagine what a heavy

 

burden that has been on you. My heart is so heavy & sad of the thought of you not being in my life

 

anymore I can hardly stand it. I can't believe because of one bad judgement call that had

 

nothing to do with us that it has come to this. We are so good together, from the first day it

 

was like you were a hugh breath of freash air in my life. We've had so many warm loving

 

moments together going for walks holding hands, cuddling on the couch, just the

 

other night brushing your hair, not mention all the fun travelling around on road trips

 

all the giggles & teasing each other. As tough as the last little bit has been we've had alot of

 

great moments together it hasn't been all bad in fact it has been mostly great. We always seem

 

to focus on the bad for whatever reason & not remember the good. You are the best thing that

 

has ever happened to me & I don't want this mistake that was made in your past, to stop

 

us from the happiness I know we would have together. I'm begging you Kel to try and see past

 

this. In all your e-mails you say that you want me in your life & you care about so please give it

 

one more chance. The air is cleared about things if we could just start over I know it can work.

 

I don't know if it freaks you out to hear me say this but I LOVE YOU, the pain I was

 

feeling last night at the thought of losing you I knew that I loved you I knew it before but there

 

is no doubt in my heart now. I called last night to at least tell you how I feel about you. I know

 

you have a lot to work out & deal with. If we have to stay apart till you can sort your feelings out

 

I will do what ever it take to make this work. You are one of the most special people I have ever

 

met the way you put yourself out for anybody and that is an incredible quality that few people

 

have. We've all made mistakes but you make up for yours ten fold by being who you are & what

 

you do for others. If there were more people like you in this world it wouldn't be the way it is. All

 

I ask is that you take the time to think about what we could have together, you feel it the same

 

as I do that there is something special between us we knew that when we first met. We

 

wouldn't have even made it this far if there wasn't something there. I know your upset as much

 

as I am & I hope your ok, my heart is breaking for you in what your dealing with. I forgive you for

 

the lie, I do understand the position you were in & why it you told it & most important of all I

 

TRUST YOU!!!! I know you were not tring to decieve because you've never lied about anything

 

else.

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