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Thread: I think husband is gay but won't admit it to himself

  1. #1
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    I think husband is gay but won't admit it to himself

    Hi everyone.

    I am married 13 years. My husband is my best friend and this is mostly why we married. He is not a looker but he is so kind and caring and... terribly prude and reserved.
    Nothing so strange in that you my say but...He loves flowers and birds, great cook too. His favourite movie is "The Sound of Music", his favourite song: Guilty by BB Streisand and Barry Gibbs. He never really gets cross but easily vexed. He has very little interest in sex and when he does, he finds it difficult to maintain an interest (unless I slip a finger in him!)
    I hinted once or twice he would have made a great gay man. He is not homophobic but when I asked him once if he could be gay, he went into his vexed mode. He was also a real mummy's boy. He is so sensitive but he never make a gesture towards me. He would never just hold me or kiss me unless I initiate it and even then, he only seem to go trough the motion without much emotion or none. Yet, he likes massage rather than sex.
    I have no doubt he loves me and I do love him. I have suspected this for many years. So do some of our friends (even the gay one). If he is, I wouldn't be surprised but I think he needs to know.

  2. #2
    robowarrior's Avatar
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    The question however is, would it be a problem for you? Most woman i know constantly nag about their dismay on their man only wanting to have sex with them. Here you have the perfect guy, not wanting to have sex and who loves you. Fair enough i've seen something like this by coincidence on Oprah, but the difference was that the guy who they did expect to be gay was pursueding a lot of men. Your husband doesn't seem to do that either. Instead of gay sexual, maby he could be a-sexual? Like a disinterest for both males and females?

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    Silver Member FoxLocke's Avatar
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    Favorite Movie: Sound of Music...

    Loves birds and flowers...

    Favorite Song: Guilty(I love it too!) by Barry Gibb and Barbara Streisand...

    Prefers to cuddle with you rather than go all the way...

    Yes, those are definite signs. However, it maybe that he is just extremely metrosexual and has some sexual hang ups?

    I think it is good that you are approaching the subject with him in a gentle, caring, and non judgemental way...However, his sexuality is something that he is going to have to come to grips with himself. The way you've described him definitely says he might be gay(Note: You can be straight and like the Sound of Music or Barbara Streisand...not usually but it can happen)...But don't force an answer on him.

    Just be there for him and yourself...Just like this will be a transition for him it has to be hard for you too. Even though you suspect you are married to him and emotionally invested...

    How are you?

    Take care.
    "Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
    In the forests of the night,
    What immortal hand or eye
    Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?"

    1794

    William Blake

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    Actually I'm cool with it.

    Quote Originally Posted by robowarrior View Post
    The question however is, would it be a problem for you?
    Well, thank you for your encouragements.
    The more I think about it, the easier it actually gets.

    Would I have a problem with it? I don't think so. Not really.
    I am just a little confused as to whether he should realise it. I have the feeling that it would be harder on him than on me.

    Other than that. I know and you are right, I am very lucky. I am married to my best friend and we do get on well. I can see the positive side of it in a way.
    We have separate bedroom, we live more like housemates but he is a great housemate to live with. I miss the romance and the attraction though. But I guess it is small prize to pay for peace and happiness.

    You know what? Deep down I always knew it. We are faithful to eachother and the rest well....I'm cool with it.

    Thank you robowariow and Foxlocke

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  6. #5
    Gold Member MyNinja's Avatar
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    You know, it is REALLY hard to categorize him as "gay" or "straight". There are many men out there who express their femine side more than their masculine side. Yes it may seem that he may be a homosexual and he just hasn't "realized" it yet, but it's a possibility that he may feel awkward with his sexuality. Tell me this, what was his childhood like?
    Last edited by MyNinja; 11-21-2006 at 11:36 AM. Reason: forgot to add something
    "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

    Confucius

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    Member lucia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by robowarrior View Post
    Here you have the perfect guy, not wanting to have sex and who loves you.
    I'm not so sure if it's that perfect. I know something about it. Sex is one of the reasons why ppl get together. If he doesn't provide it then it becomes frustrating.

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    Member bikjj's Avatar
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    Well, may be he is just very in touch with his feminin side. This can happen in long term relationships, and when the testosterone levels reduce with age. Studies say that women's sex drive can increase with age due to the changes in the level of hormones.

    He may be curious, and sometimes some guys can shut their sexual needs down when playing the best 'gay' friend to a girl.

    I share similar traits to your hubby. Many think i am gay not by looks but because I can be a girl's best friend just like diamonds

    I likes soppy songs, flowers, musical, massages (yep face, neck and back!), many of my friends are women. I can quite openly delv into feelings and emotions and can easily kiss a guy on the cheek. I can also shut myself down sexually even when girls strip in front of me. I also like it's raining men and gloria gaynor (I will survive).

    But I aint gay, curious about the prostate, but not gay. I most certainly like girls, girls, girls!

    Maybe the new evolving male with be a sort of hydrid, just a thought.
    Last edited by bikjj; 11-21-2006 at 11:57 AM.
    "I can be I, you can be you, together we can be us"

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    Quote Originally Posted by mo'Nique View Post
    he just hasn't "realized" it yet, but it's a possibility that he may feel awkward with his sexuality. Tell me this, what was his childhood like?
    He was the youngest of 3. 2 girls and him. He was afflicted by a terrible memory and finds it difficult to concentrate. Being the baby boy, he was totally over protected by his mum. And as he gets older, I notice he's actually changing into his mother. This is so funny in a way. Better him changing into his mum than me into mine anyway. I loved my mother-in-law very much. She was very masculine kind of person. He grew up with bad schooling and was sent for a while to a all boy priest school. Although he assured me that there was never sexual abuse on him, the priests used to beat him up sensless a few times. We live in the country side of Ireland. You didn't really talk about these things in those time but it is all coming out now. All his uncles were priests as well.
    Also, he is very easy when I want to buy a new toy, he doesn't feel treathens by size or anything.
    Yin and yang: Mentally and emotionally I am myself more in touch with my masculine side. I beleive that is what brought us together.
    I don't think he is sexually attracted to men as such. Although he always envied or admired some physical attribute of some actors or other such as square jaws, good shoulders, strong calves etc. But he never makes a comment of female attributes. He likes to be touched but not to touch. And...he wants to be reincarnated as a blue *** (tiny little bird he feeds all year).
    I'd like to find out but I don't think he does. And after all, this is about him and sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

    I am not sure should I bring the subject further with him.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member BeStrongBeHappy's Avatar
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    i would ask yourself why you feel the need to determine if he is gay... what is your motivation for pursuing this?

    is it that something is lacking in your relationship, some masculinity characterstic you think he should have and doesn't, that you feel you need to have in a partner to be happy? or is it an intellectual curiosity based on what you think are stereotypical or common gay traits that he evidences? i would really try to nail down why you are pursuing this before you pursue it farther, because sometimes you go down a road that has lots of consequences, and you cannot go back... a Pandora's box so to speak.

    Regarding all the feminine or gay personality traits, i think if you are happy with him, who cares about all those details? but if your sexuality and sexual contacts are lacking or insufficient, and you think he is really not interested due to being gay or whatever, then you could have a big problem. you are still young enough that one day you might meet a man who has the sexual spark that brings to the surface all your own unfulfilled desires, and that could destroy your marriage in short order.

    or the reverse could happen with him, where he meets a gay man and that explodes into a passion that he cannot deny and will destroy your comfortable marriage. it really does happen all the time.

    so what i am saying is if he really is gay (but not practicing gay, or hiding his flings from you), your 'calm and peaceful' marriage could be ended very quickly if the right catalyst appears on the scene...

    my suggestion would be to try to open the communication on your sexual needs and differences. try to spice up your sex life, and if it just isn't happening, then deal with that directly and go to a counselor to see whether he really might be gay but suppressing this for some reason, or be lacking the right amount of hormones or whatever.... you need to deal with it and get the problem resolved.

    all the show tune loving, birdwatcher etc. characteristics are really irrelevant to your real problem, which appears to be a sexual discrepancy of some kind, either he has inhibited sexual ideas that need treatment, or he is gay, or the two of you are just not compatible sexually.

    some people decide that sex is not that important in a marriage, but especially if you are middle aged or younger, it can be a sleeping giant that can one day be awakened by an outside person, then the marriage explodes from the inside out, and the person who discovers what sexual desire and good sex means usually leaves to pursue their 'true' nature. sex is powerful, and really can't be discounted, though we can bury the need for a variety of reasons...

    i left a relationship for the same reason. we were really best buds, but he showed very little interest in sex in general. i got tired of trotting out the lace underwear and trying to appeal to him such that i had even moderate contact. lets just say i would have been happy with once a month, or even 2 months, but eventually he just stopped participating at all, with no comments on the lack of desire other than a string of excuses, being tired, or wanting to watch some show or another on TV.

    the relationship eventually imploded, not because he or i didn't had any complaints about the other person as a person, but because a sexless relationship almost always eventually fizzles out... what happens is one partner starts cheating on the side to fill the need, or falls in love with someone else who has a normal sexual desire, or sits up one day and says, i can't live without sex, it is a normal human desire and need, and leaves the relationship to try to find someone who does find them desirable...

    after all, sex is one of the main reasons we marry and have partners.. and in fact is the dividing line that determines the unique nature of marriage (i.e., sexual fidelity, reproduction, etc.)

    so don't underestimate the power of sex to eventually destroy your marriage, if you two are just petering out on that... but my suggestion would be to address that issue directly, and go to counseling if you can, to try to get your sex life back on track, or perhaps help your husband determine if he is gay, and if so, understand that probably means the end of your marriage, one way or another.

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    Pandora's box

    Quote Originally Posted by BeStrongBeHappy View Post
    i would ask yourself why you feel the need to determine if he is gay... what is your motivation for pursuing this?
    Wow! That really hit many good points BeStrongBeHappy. And very much a turn around about the issue in question.

    And yes, I have to ask myself what is my motivation.

    You are right in so many ways. There is certainly a lot of physical frustations in this relationship. You post awake many questions about the reasons and consequences. It took me a few days and a few reads to think about it.

    I should indeed review my own priorities and taking the risk of sounding selfish here, I think I do not want to suffer the consequences you mentioned.
    We have no kids, my life is so easy and confortable. It is not something I am willing to loose.

    I thought I was worried that I could not satify his need but maybe it is a reflection about my own needs indeed. Although your post made me feel that I was in a way trying to find in it a justification for doing something stupid. It certainly gives me a lot to think about. I truly appreciate the honnesty. Thank you.

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