From an aging newbie!

AnnieMG · 11-14-2006, 09:58 PM

PORN ADDICTED HUBBY! I'm new to this site, and stumbled upon it while seeking advice on the same situation as original poster. I might have well written her post!!! It's been going on for four years - started about a year into the relationship, although I knew he had an "impressive" collection of videos and DVDs - I never guessed just how impressive. At first, I would participate - but when it became a ritual every time we were intimate, I became a little scared, and when I brought the subject up and spoke of how uncomfortable I was.... I was accused of being controlling. Some time later, I discovered that the collection was being added to behind my back, to the tune of a lot of money. Again I was being controlling - trying to censor an adult - I was a <mod edit> - I was a prude - and of course I must have some deep seated hatred of sex. These were the things I had thrown at me, when in fact none of them could be further from the truth.
Right now - I am at the point where my marriage is at stake and teetering on the brink of destruction...... and he can not see it. Recently I found some DVDs tucked away - and when I asked about them I was told they were old, when in fact the release date on them clearly stated they are only a couple of months old - two years after I had been promised it would stop, and I trusted the promise, and then I was lied to - again!
The trust between us is shattered. My self esteem is totally shot, and I feel completely undesireable as a woman, because he shows no desire for me. Obviously the sexual gratification he gets from pornography, far outweighs what he gets from me.
It is such a shame we had such a good thing going both mentally and physically for a while, and it has been destroyed by his unwillingness to admit to this addiction and get some help for it.
Now he has to decide - I've given him the choice - and I am so afraid of what he will decide. I may be needing a lot of support in the coming days folks!!!
Please - no religious thoughts on this one, Okay?

rose2summer · 11-14-2006, 10:37 PM

Annie -

I gave you your own thread so you can get more responses.

Hugs, Rose

nadine_3110 · 11-14-2006, 11:18 PM

That is a problem when he is more satisfied by pornography than by you, not only is your physical connection at stake, but so is your mental connection. I really don't know what you should do in this situation, but this man does need help. He cannot continue lying to you and watching porn behind your back, it's not fair to you. I hope that he can face his problem and get help as you said. This must be hard, but we're all here for you. Keep posting and good luck!

Shadows Light · 11-15-2006, 12:01 PM

Have you tried looking for Po*n Addiction sites on the net? I'd found one at one time and it was quite informative.

I know how you feel first hand. My self esteem was shot. Still is in many respects...its taking me a long time to recover.

I could have written your post as well. In the begining.... I was right there with him. I am not a prude. I am not repressed. I don't have a problem with human sexuality. His addiction kept taking him further and further into it... and away from me. I'd tried the ultimatiums and they didn't work. It seemed as if he prefered IT to me. My "X" had a collection where he couldn't get rid of the "CLASSICS"..... Magazines included.

There came a time that I refused to participate and watch. I left him alone with it. But as soon as I had children.... THE VIDEO's had to go. I didn't have the hootzbah to throw them out. His property. I yelled, screamed, bargained, begged. I was worried that my little girl would mistaken one of his VHS tapes for her BARNEY tape and then get an eyeful. I then packed them up... and put them in the attic. Again, I wish I had the strength to throw them out and burn them.

To appease me.... he got rid of HALF his collection. You'd think I'd just asked him to sell his HARLEY or something. He was depressed and morose about it. And I thought he was done with it... until much like yourself, I found NEWER DVD's he'd purchased. AND.... then later found Internet P*rn activity. What disturbed me the most was the nature of the Internet downloads. The subject matter became... increasingly freakish in nature and later included homesexual photography.

What was I .... to think?????????????

He obviously did not want me.... relations between us became few and far in between. I don't know if it was a connection or not... but my "X" also displayed aggressive behavior. He had anger management issues that progressed. He alchohol consumption increased along side of it.

POSTER.... this is an addiction your "H" is afflicted with. As with any addiction... as a co-dependant, you do what you can to help them with it. You do what you can to help them cope and try to re-direct them in the other direction. However... at some point, you need to decide WHEN and HOW much is enough... and you need to save yourself.

AnnieMG · 11-15-2006, 07:17 PM

Sorry Jeremy 7 - I just dont "get" your post???
Thanks for the other posts though people - there is some small comfort in knowing that this is not really such an unusual situation. Honestly, I was beginning to feel that I was abnormal, and unreasonable, because that's what my husband keeps telling me. He apparently knows of men who's wives participate - and doesn't seem to recollect that I used to also. But like the previous poster - the viewing became wierder and wierder. I don't think it got to the homosexual pornography stage though, but who knows.
At first I just asked him to cut it down when I realised it was becoming an everyday thing and he wanted to know what I would class as a "reasonable" amount - or he would say to me "who are you to say what's an excessive amount or an acceptable amount"
He is extremely resentful of the fact that he's been "caught" again, and is not speaking to me - HE's not speaking to ME!!! So, I guess I've sort of issued an ultimatum now - either the whole stash goes.... or I do! And we're back to the accusations of my trying to control his life, when all I want to do is save our relationship which is otherwise so great - this is the only thing that is wrong in our life. I know he loves me, but it's killing me to come second best to a bunch of adult movies. I love this man with all my heart and soul, and I don't know if I have the strength to leave him because of this - but I'm pretty sure I don't have the strength to live with him for much longer if he refuses to acknowledge that the problem lies with him and not me, as he likes to think.

AnnieMG · 11-15-2006, 08:55 PM

To ShadowsLight: Please tell me how you coped!!! I am at my wits end because I can see a breakup looming on the horizon. Did you separate from your X because of this problem? Did he tell you that YOU were the one with the problem, not him? During out last bad fight over this, I actually did throw out a couple of hundred dollars worth of DVDs that I found he had bought not long beforehand..... and some older videos that were around as well. But there are hundreds more - I kid you not - boxes and boxes of them. I just don't know how I'm going to do this - I really don't!

TiredMan · 11-15-2006, 09:43 PM

My opinion on porn is that it has nothing to do with the sexual relationship I am in. And if someone I am with has a problem with it, to me, that is their problem and insecurity. Some people take it so far as to not even want their partner masterbating because "why should they masterbate if they have me?"

What they don't understand is it's different. Sometimes you just want to get off without having to go through a long act where you have to please your partner as well. And porn is as good a stimuli as anything. Some people lay in bed and just use their imagination for stimulus. That doesn't work for everyone.

I think any partner should try and understand this if they want things to work.

Daddy Bear · 11-15-2006, 10:33 PM

i don't know if collecting adult materials is a legitimate hobby or not, but if he promised you that he would stop, he has violated your trust and i would tend to support your decision to draw the line.

AnnieMG · 11-16-2006, 07:43 PM

To TiredMan: That's the whole problem - I was understanding about it, and even participated early on.... I'm not a prude, and I completely enjoy sex with my husband, but when it became a situation of him wanting to watch a movie every time we were intimate, that's when it became a problem for me. I felt he needed this to get turned on, that I couldn't do that for him.... and that's not a nice feeling! Over time, it has developed into a case of our intimacy having dwindled drastically - and him having bought even more movies, having told me he would not, and lying to me when I asked about them. It's is as much about betraying my trust as anything.

Reverse the situation a little for a moment. How would you feel if your girlfriend was more interested in watching porn movies and "getting off" by herself than having sex with you? Don't you think it would seriously effect your self esteem and confidence in your own sexuality and masculinity? Especially if whenever you do have sex, it is totally amazing.... for both of you.

I'd just really like your thoughts on this.

TiredMan · 11-16-2006, 08:31 PM

Well I actually want her to get off by herself. I went to the store and bought her a vibrator because she isn't gonna ever go into one of them herself.

If the sex is "amazing" as you put it for both, then I wouldn't feel insecure. If the sex was horrible, then I would be.

11-14-2006, 09:58 PM	#1
AnnieMG Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 9	From an aging newbie! PORN ADDICTED HUBBY! I'm new to this site, and stumbled upon it while seeking advice on the same situation as original poster. I might have well written her post!!! It's been going on for four years - started about a year into the relationship, although I knew he had an "impressive" collection of videos and DVDs - I never guessed just how impressive. At first, I would participate - but when it became a ritual every time we were intimate, I became a little scared, and when I brought the subject up and spoke of how uncomfortable I was.... I was accused of being controlling. Some time later, I discovered that the collection was being added to behind my back, to the tune of a lot of money. Again I was being controlling - trying to censor an adult - I was a <mod edit> - I was a prude - and of course I must have some deep seated hatred of sex. These were the things I had thrown at me, when in fact none of them could be further from the truth. Right now - I am at the point where my marriage is at stake and teetering on the brink of destruction...... and he can not see it. Recently I found some DVDs tucked away - and when I asked about them I was told they were old, when in fact the release date on them clearly stated they are only a couple of months old - two years after I had been promised it would stop, and I trusted the promise, and then I was lied to - again! The trust between us is shattered. My self esteem is totally shot, and I feel completely undesireable as a woman, because he shows no desire for me. Obviously the sexual gratification he gets from pornography, far outweighs what he gets from me. It is such a shame we had such a good thing going both mentally and physically for a while, and it has been destroyed by his unwillingness to admit to this addiction and get some help for it. Now he has to decide - I've given him the choice - and I am so afraid of what he will decide. I may be needing a lot of support in the coming days folks!!! Please - no religious thoughts on this one, Okay? Last edited by AnnieMG; 11-15-2006 at 08:47 PM. Reason: Language

11-14-2006, 10:37 PM	#2
rose2summer Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 2,389	Annie - I gave you your own thread so you can get more responses. Hugs, Rose __________________ If life is fulfilled we go away with empty hands. ~Chinese Proverb~ With every failure, there's a chance for success. With every failure, there's a chance to learn. ~Rose~

11-14-2006, 11:18 PM	#3
nadine_3110 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 256	That is a problem when he is more satisfied by pornography than by you, not only is your physical connection at stake, but so is your mental connection. I really don't know what you should do in this situation, but this man does need help. He cannot continue lying to you and watching porn behind your back, it's not fair to you. I hope that he can face his problem and get help as you said. This must be hard, but we're all here for you. Keep posting and good luck! __________________ Your qualities brought you where you are, but your faults made you who you are. - by Yours Truly

11-15-2006, 12:01 PM	#4
Shadows Light Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2,561	Have you tried looking for Pon Addiction sites on the net? I'd found one at one time and it was quite informative. I know how you feel first hand. My self esteem was shot. Still is in many respects...its taking me a long time to recover. I could have written your post as well. In the begining.... I was right there with him. I am not a prude. I am not repressed. I don't have a problem with human sexuality. His addiction kept taking him further and further into it... and away from me. I'd tried the ultimatiums and they didn't work. It seemed as if he prefered IT to me. My "X" had a collection where he couldn't get rid of the "CLASSICS"..... Magazines included. There came a time that I refused to participate and watch. I left him alone with it. But as soon as I had children.... THE VIDEO's had to go. I didn't have the hootzbah to throw them out. His property. I yelled, screamed, bargained, begged. I was worried that my little girl would mistaken one of his VHS tapes for her BARNEY tape and then get an eyeful. I then packed them up... and put them in the attic. Again, I wish I had the strength to throw them out and burn them. To appease me.... he got rid of HALF his collection. You'd think I'd just asked him to sell his HARLEY or something. He was depressed and morose about it. And I thought he was done with it... until much like yourself, I found NEWER DVD's he'd purchased. AND.... then later found Internet Prn activity. What disturbed me the most was the nature of the Internet downloads. The subject matter became... increasingly freakish in nature and later included homesexual photography. What was I .... to think????????????? He obviously did not want me.... relations between us became few and far in between. I don't know if it was a connection or not... but my "X" also displayed aggressive behavior. He had anger management issues that progressed. He alchohol consumption increased along side of it. POSTER.... this is an addiction your "H" is afflicted with. As with any addiction... as a co-dependant, you do what you can to help them with it. You do what you can to help them cope and try to re-direct them in the other direction. However... at some point, you need to decide WHEN and HOW much is enough... and you need to save yourself. __________________ "Sit vis vobiscum." "nemo me impune lacessit" "Libera Te Ex Inferis" "Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum"

11-15-2006, 07:17 PM	#5
AnnieMG Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 9	Sorry Jeremy 7 - I just dont "get" your post??? Thanks for the other posts though people - there is some small comfort in knowing that this is not really such an unusual situation. Honestly, I was beginning to feel that I was abnormal, and unreasonable, because that's what my husband keeps telling me. He apparently knows of men who's wives participate - and doesn't seem to recollect that I used to also. But like the previous poster - the viewing became wierder and wierder. I don't think it got to the homosexual pornography stage though, but who knows. At first I just asked him to cut it down when I realised it was becoming an everyday thing and he wanted to know what I would class as a "reasonable" amount - or he would say to me "who are you to say what's an excessive amount or an acceptable amount" He is extremely resentful of the fact that he's been "caught" again, and is not speaking to me - HE's not speaking to ME!!! So, I guess I've sort of issued an ultimatum now - either the whole stash goes.... or I do! And we're back to the accusations of my trying to control his life, when all I want to do is save our relationship which is otherwise so great - this is the only thing that is wrong in our life. I know he loves me, but it's killing me to come second best to a bunch of adult movies. I love this man with all my heart and soul, and I don't know if I have the strength to leave him because of this - but I'm pretty sure I don't have the strength to live with him for much longer if he refuses to acknowledge that the problem lies with him and not me, as he likes to think.

11-15-2006, 08:55 PM	#6
AnnieMG Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 9	To ShadowsLight: Please tell me how you coped!!! I am at my wits end because I can see a breakup looming on the horizon. Did you separate from your X because of this problem? Did he tell you that YOU were the one with the problem, not him? During out last bad fight over this, I actually did throw out a couple of hundred dollars worth of DVDs that I found he had bought not long beforehand..... and some older videos that were around as well. But there are hundreds more - I kid you not - boxes and boxes of them. I just don't know how I'm going to do this - I really don't!

11-15-2006, 09:43 PM	#7
TiredMan Offline Join Date: Jul 2005 Age: 34 Posts: 1,374	My opinion on porn is that it has nothing to do with the sexual relationship I am in. And if someone I am with has a problem with it, to me, that is their problem and insecurity. Some people take it so far as to not even want their partner masterbating because "why should they masterbate if they have me?" What they don't understand is it's different. Sometimes you just want to get off without having to go through a long act where you have to please your partner as well. And porn is as good a stimuli as anything. Some people lay in bed and just use their imagination for stimulus. That doesn't work for everyone. I think any partner should try and understand this if they want things to work.

11-15-2006, 10:33 PM	#8
Daddy Bear Offline Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: TBA Gender: Male Age: 47 Posts: 4,358	i don't know if collecting adult materials is a legitimate hobby or not, but if he promised you that he would stop, he has violated your trust and i would tend to support your decision to draw the line.

11-16-2006, 07:43 PM	#9
AnnieMG Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 9	To TiredMan: That's the whole problem - I was understanding about it, and even participated early on.... I'm not a prude, and I completely enjoy sex with my husband, but when it became a situation of him wanting to watch a movie every time we were intimate, that's when it became a problem for me. I felt he needed this to get turned on, that I couldn't do that for him.... and that's not a nice feeling! Over time, it has developed into a case of our intimacy having dwindled drastically - and him having bought even more movies, having told me he would not, and lying to me when I asked about them. It's is as much about betraying my trust as anything. Reverse the situation a little for a moment. How would you feel if your girlfriend was more interested in watching porn movies and "getting off" by herself than having sex with you? Don't you think it would seriously effect your self esteem and confidence in your own sexuality and masculinity? Especially if whenever you do have sex, it is totally amazing.... for both of you. I'd just really like your thoughts on this.

11-16-2006, 08:31 PM	#10
TiredMan Offline Join Date: Jul 2005 Age: 34 Posts: 1,374	Well I actually want her to get off by herself. I went to the store and bought her a vibrator because she isn't gonna ever go into one of them herself. If the sex is "amazing" as you put it for both, then I wouldn't feel insecure. If the sex was horrible, then I would be.