I lost her because of the drugs...

BornToResist · 11-13-2006, 12:57 PM

Okay let me start off by saying that I am a COMPLETELY different person than I was a few years ago.

I have been friends with a girl for about 20 years now, since we were toddlers. She moved away when we were entering our teenage years but we continued to stay in touch all the time. I would fly to see her several states away, we sent letters, emails, were still best friends. We have been through thick and thin together. She came out once or twice to my part of the country, but mostly to see her family, which she was obligated to do. I would get to see her for maybe a couple hours when she was down for about 1-2 weeks.

About 3 years ago, she travelled out my way. However, I was in the middle of this really horrible time in my life where I basically was a junkie but hid it very well. Nothing mattered to me but getting high...I pushed away everyone that loved me and I hung out with people who used me for various reasons and didn't care for me whatsoever.

Let's just say I came to my senses and turned myself around completely. BUT...I guess I really destroyed this girl. She was down for a week and I never really bothered to call or anything. I saw her once but made it quick because I "had somewhere to be." I was a terrible, horrible, flaky friend.

I called her after she had returned home and apologized. She let me have it, which I completely deserved. I thought our relationship was mended, since I had seen the err of my ways and did what I could to make it up to her. Since then, we have talked regualarly, but not consistently. She has kept me at a distance and I felt it but didn't know if I was being overly sensitive or not.

She had her first child and I'm pretty sure she got married. I have been sending her emails and congratulated her on her baby, but that's been it. She told me she was coming out to visit family in my area and she would call me when she got out here. I was SO EXCITED. I could finally make it up to her and see her baby and her fiancee/husband!

I never got a call.

I tried calling her after that, as well as sending her emails, etc., but she didn't respond. I finally sent her one asking if she was avoiding me, and if she wanted me to leave her alone I would.

Last night she finally replied and told me that she still hurt over what happened three years ago. Then she went on as if she was writing a letter to just anyone...like I was nobody.

I'm so confused as to what to do. I feel terrible about what happened and I had already apologized and thought we were OK. I know we aren't, but I don't know what to do. I'm a different person now and I'm about to have my first child and I realllllly want her in my life.

What do I do? How do I make it up to her? What would YOU want a friend to do to make it better if they did this to you?

**BellaDonna** · 11-13-2006, 01:12 PM

Quote:

About 3 years ago, she travelled out my way. However, I was in the middle of this really horrible time in my life where I basically was a junkie but hid it very well. Nothing mattered to me but getting high...I pushed away everyone that loved me

Is she aware that you were having problems with drugs at the time?

Quote:

What would YOU want a friend to do to make it better if they did this to you?

Honestly, I've been in a similar situation. I stopped being friends with my "best friend" from 6th grade due to drugs. The last straw was when I was out one night with her and she was doing cocaine off the back of a toilet in a bathroom stall and could have gotten me arrested since she had drugs in her possession in the car and she was driving me home. Then there were the cancelled plans when her dealer or drug-doing-friends came around, and the days she slept and slept due to hangovers and withdrawals from what she was taking. -The times she was cranky with me and lashed out at me for being concerned about her and began making personal attacks.

So one day I had enough and I called it quits. I have not talked to her in 4 years. She moved away and has sent me post cards a few times and I responded much the way that your friend did:

Quote:

as if she was writing a letter to just anyone

I pushed her away because it hurt me to much to care about her when she did not care about herself. It began to drain me.

Sometimes people just grow apart. Sometimes it hurts to care for someone that self destructs. Drugs can ruin many good relationships. I'm so glad to hear that you have turned yourself around and that you are leading a healthy life. I always hope my friend is doing the same- I fear that she will be found dead in an alley one day and that I will get the call.

You have apologized and that's the most you can do. She may never change her mind. Honestly, I don't think there is anything that my ex-friend could do that would cause me to let her into my life again. Even if she completely reformed I'd be hesitant. I wish her well, but I just don't have energy to have her in my life anymore. I've forgiven her, but I have not forgotten.

I just wanted to give you my perspective so that you may understand what your friend might be feeling right now.

I hope all works out for you,

BellaDonna

someguy69 · 11-13-2006, 01:25 PM

It is not uncommon for people who get married to start a completely new life, leaving old friends behind -- especially if
they associate "unapproved" behavior with you, and especially once they have children.

People who are married with kids tend to want to distance themselves a much as possible from anything that would tempt them to engage in "youthful indiscretions", or any possibility that their children would pick up on any of your past -- or her past for that matter.

Parents tend to be very secretive about their "young and crazy" years in order to be "better" authority figures.

My best advice to you would be to make new friends... because obviously your old friend has moved on with her life.

Please note that I don't believe her behaviour is the best course of action... just that it would likely be futile to try and convince her to reconsider. I personally believe that parents should be more honest with their children -- once they are old enough to understand of course.

freedom · 11-13-2006, 01:51 PM

my advice, Leave her alone.
Sometimes in life we do things that are stupid and regret it. There are no ways to repair the mistakes. we can only learn from it.
You have to forgive yourself for your mistake and accept that it isnt only your call to be friends with this person. Unfortunately she has choosen not to be your friend thus you have to accept and move on.

BornToResist · 11-13-2006, 02:05 PM

In the email she said she was still hurt but misses me...there were questions in there so it seems like she wanted to continue communication, but I don't know what to say to her.

I told her after I cleaned up my act why I had acted the way that I did. It was apparent that I made changes...I wasn't with the same bf anymore, I switched jobs, whole new life.

I never subjected her to that version of me...she never saw me high, I never talked to her high, I basically avoided her because I didn't want to disappoint her.

I could understand what shoes she's in...you sometimes just need to cut your losses, move on and remove yourself from those situations and the people that cause them...I have done that several times since. But this is a friendship that has lasted for 20 years...since we were two years old. It isn't something that I can just forget and move on...I just found out that she's still harboring these feelings. It's going to be a very painful thing to just "let her be," which I understand I may have to do, but she's worth more than that. I'm willing to do what it takes, if anything to get her to forgive me. She means more to me than that. I also understand that my efforts may go to waste and I might end up without her friendship, but I'm just not going to give up that easily.

I hope that makes sense.

So I'm writing her a reply email, I just don't know what to say. I'm not going to start with that whole "I was on drugs so I'm not responsible" BS because that's stupid. I'm going to put the ball back in her court, but I don't know what exactly it is that she needs to hear, you know? I'll do what it takes, I'm not all just talk. I just really want her in my life is all.

Batya33 · 11-13-2006, 02:09 PM

I would write, thanks for your email, it was great to hear from you. I would love to see you and I understand if that does not work for you. If you would like to give me another chance I of course would be grateful and if you are on the fence and want to hear how I have changed since the last time we saw each other, just reply to this e-mail and I will let you know.

**Hope75** · 11-13-2006, 03:31 PM

Quote:

So I'm writing her a reply email, I just don't know what to say. I'm not going to start with that whole "I was on drugs so I'm not responsible" BS because that's stupid. I'm going to put the ball back in her court, but I don't know what exactly it is that she needs to hear, you know? I'll do what it takes, I'm not all just talk. I just really want her in my life is all.

Why don't you just tell her basically what you've told us here?

That you were using drugs and addicted, and that you are responsible for that, and you know that you damaged the friendship because of it. But that part of taking responsibility for your actions was owning up to them, apologizing, and getting clean, all of which you have done.

Tell her that you are clean now, making good and healthy choices, and you would very much like a second chance at a friendship with her, especially because you are having a baby and need her support and advice, as she is a mother herself?

See what she says.

BornToResist · 11-13-2006, 05:28 PM

Thanks Hope! I can always count on great advice from you.

Okay so I just sent her an email.

It basically begged for forgiveness and told her how important she was to me, even if she doesn't believe me. I told her that I know what I did wrong and all I can do is change it, and I have. It was a lot longer than this, but you get the jist of it. Thanks for your advice.

*crosses fingers*

Hoping for the best.

blender · 11-13-2006, 05:32 PM

Have the respect to let go with love. If in time she feels she wants to contact you she will. You made your ammends. Now you can lovingly let go..respect her feelings, even if you don't understand or like them, this is not about you, it's about her, and it needs to be respected.

Forgive yourself for whatever happened years ago, be kind and respectful in your own life and let her do the same in hers.. it's her life, let her live it. Live your own with your new family, they deserve this energy now.

BornToResist · 11-13-2006, 05:35 PM

I know it's her life and she can choose to have me in it or not.

But she hasn't told me to leave her alone. If she did, I would. But she hasn't.

I just feel she's worth more than that. She deserves me to fight for this and beg for her forgiveness. We've been friends for TWENTY years...that's something worth fighting for. If it turns out that it isn't worth it for her, I can accept that. But until that fat lady sings...

11-13-2006, 12:57 PM	#1
BornToResist Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,846	I lost her because of the drugs... Okay let me start off by saying that I am a COMPLETELY different person than I was a few years ago. I have been friends with a girl for about 20 years now, since we were toddlers. She moved away when we were entering our teenage years but we continued to stay in touch all the time. I would fly to see her several states away, we sent letters, emails, were still best friends. We have been through thick and thin together. She came out once or twice to my part of the country, but mostly to see her family, which she was obligated to do. I would get to see her for maybe a couple hours when she was down for about 1-2 weeks. About 3 years ago, she travelled out my way. However, I was in the middle of this really horrible time in my life where I basically was a junkie but hid it very well. Nothing mattered to me but getting high...I pushed away everyone that loved me and I hung out with people who used me for various reasons and didn't care for me whatsoever. Let's just say I came to my senses and turned myself around completely. BUT...I guess I really destroyed this girl. She was down for a week and I never really bothered to call or anything. I saw her once but made it quick because I "had somewhere to be." I was a terrible, horrible, flaky friend. I called her after she had returned home and apologized. She let me have it, which I completely deserved. I thought our relationship was mended, since I had seen the err of my ways and did what I could to make it up to her. Since then, we have talked regualarly, but not consistently. She has kept me at a distance and I felt it but didn't know if I was being overly sensitive or not. She had her first child and I'm pretty sure she got married. I have been sending her emails and congratulated her on her baby, but that's been it. She told me she was coming out to visit family in my area and she would call me when she got out here. I was SO EXCITED. I could finally make it up to her and see her baby and her fiancee/husband! I never got a call. I tried calling her after that, as well as sending her emails, etc., but she didn't respond. I finally sent her one asking if she was avoiding me, and if she wanted me to leave her alone I would. Last night she finally replied and told me that she still hurt over what happened three years ago. Then she went on as if she was writing a letter to just anyone...like I was nobody. I'm so confused as to what to do. I feel terrible about what happened and I had already apologized and thought we were OK. I know we aren't, but I don't know what to do. I'm a different person now and I'm about to have my first child and I realllllly want her in my life. What do I do? How do I make it up to her? What would YOU want a friend to do to make it better if they did this to you? __________________ “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” - Robert Gary Lee

11-13-2006, 01:25 PM	#3
someguy69 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Age: 37 Posts: 271	It is not uncommon for people who get married to start a completely new life, leaving old friends behind -- especially if they associate "unapproved" behavior with you, and especially once they have children. People who are married with kids tend to want to distance themselves a much as possible from anything that would tempt them to engage in "youthful indiscretions", or any possibility that their children would pick up on any of your past -- or her past for that matter. Parents tend to be very secretive about their "young and crazy" years in order to be "better" authority figures. My best advice to you would be to make new friends... because obviously your old friend has moved on with her life. Please note that I don't believe her behaviour is the best course of action... just that it would likely be futile to try and convince her to reconsider. I personally believe that parents should be more honest with their children -- once they are old enough to understand of course. Last edited by someguy69; 11-13-2006 at 01:27 PM.

11-13-2006, 02:05 PM	#5
BornToResist Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,846	In the email she said she was still hurt but misses me...there were questions in there so it seems like she wanted to continue communication, but I don't know what to say to her. I told her after I cleaned up my act why I had acted the way that I did. It was apparent that I made changes...I wasn't with the same bf anymore, I switched jobs, whole new life. I never subjected her to that version of me...she never saw me high, I never talked to her high, I basically avoided her because I didn't want to disappoint her. I could understand what shoes she's in...you sometimes just need to cut your losses, move on and remove yourself from those situations and the people that cause them...I have done that several times since. But this is a friendship that has lasted for 20 years...since we were two years old. It isn't something that I can just forget and move on...I just found out that she's still harboring these feelings. It's going to be a very painful thing to just "let her be," which I understand I may have to do, but she's worth more than that. I'm willing to do what it takes, if anything to get her to forgive me. She means more to me than that. I also understand that my efforts may go to waste and I might end up without her friendship, but I'm just not going to give up that easily. I hope that makes sense. So I'm writing her a reply email, I just don't know what to say. I'm not going to start with that whole "I was on drugs so I'm not responsible" BS because that's stupid. I'm going to put the ball back in her court, but I don't know what exactly it is that she needs to hear, you know? I'll do what it takes, I'm not all just talk. I just really want her in my life is all. __________________ “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” - Robert Gary Lee

11-13-2006, 05:28 PM	#8
BornToResist Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,846	Thanks Hope! I can always count on great advice from you. Okay so I just sent her an email. It basically begged for forgiveness and told her how important she was to me, even if she doesn't believe me. I told her that I know what I did wrong and all I can do is change it, and I have. It was a lot longer than this, but you get the jist of it. Thanks for your advice. crosses fingers Hoping for the best. __________________ “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” - Robert Gary Lee

11-13-2006, 05:35 PM	#10
BornToResist Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,846	I know it's her life and she can choose to have me in it or not. But she hasn't told me to leave her alone. If she did, I would. But she hasn't. I just feel she's worth more than that. She deserves me to fight for this and beg for her forgiveness. We've been friends for TWENTY years...that's something worth fighting for. If it turns out that it isn't worth it for her, I can accept that. But until that fat lady sings... __________________ “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” - Robert Gary Lee

11-13-2006, 01:51 PM	#4
freedom Offline Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 389	my advice, Leave her alone. Sometimes in life we do things that are stupid and regret it. There are no ways to repair the mistakes. we can only learn from it. You have to forgive yourself for your mistake and accept that it isnt only your call to be friends with this person. Unfortunately she has choosen not to be your friend thus you have to accept and move on.

11-13-2006, 02:09 PM	#6
Batya33 Online Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,072	I would write, thanks for your email, it was great to hear from you. I would love to see you and I understand if that does not work for you. If you would like to give me another chance I of course would be grateful and if you are on the fence and want to hear how I have changed since the last time we saw each other, just reply to this e-mail and I will let you know.

11-13-2006, 05:32 PM	#9
blender Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 2,605	Have the respect to let go with love. If in time she feels she wants to contact you she will. You made your ammends. Now you can lovingly let go..respect her feelings, even if you don't understand or like them, this is not about you, it's about her, and it needs to be respected. Forgive yourself for whatever happened years ago, be kind and respectful in your own life and let her do the same in hers.. it's her life, let her live it. Live your own with your new family, they deserve this energy now.