Down I go..

Vynde · 11-07-2006, 09:36 AM

Hello all.

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=154740

I needed to write to all of you today. I'm having such a hard time.

I thought by now I would start to feel a little better. I don't.

I'm fearful that this pain isn't going to end. I miss my wife, so much and as I'm writing this I'm feeling myself begin to cry.

I don't know what happened to my life, it was all so clear a few months ago, and no it's so uncertain.

I'm so depressed and hurt I feel most days like I won't make it. I don't know what to do anymore. I miss her. I know she has moved along, and I'm still stuck here dreaming of her every single night, and every second of the day.

I get home from work and I just cry myself so sleep. I still can't eat. I guess I'm eating enough to keep me alive because I'm still here.

I just want to call her, and ask her one more time if this is what she really wants, but I don't, because I know it isn't what she wants.

My life feels meaningless and like such a waste. I don't want to do it anymore.

It's been 31 days since I have spoken with her; I have had small amounts of e-mail contact only because she wants to draft a separation agreement.. That's all.

I haven't told her how I'm doing, or said anything about wanting her back for fear of being hurt. I haven't drove past her house or spoke with her family, I don't want to hurt myself by finding out she is with someone…

I want her back, and I can't have her. I can't jump this hurdle.. It's too high. I feel myself rotting away from the inside out. I still love her so much, and Wish everyday she will come back..

Whats wrong with me.. I feel im at the end of my rope. God please help me see the light... The darkness has all but consumed me.. and it shouldn't be long now.

I'm sorry for the depressing post. My support options are slim.

john

LONESOUL · 11-07-2006, 10:07 AM

Hey John. I am so sorry to hear you are still having such a hard time.
Splitting up is such a hard thing to do. It's a painful process, and it stinks.
The bad news is, because it is a process, it sometimes takes a little time.
The good news is, you can get through it~and when you do you will be better and stronger for having done so. I know that it is hard to see right now. You meantioned that you are still eating very little. Thats pretty normal, but you will to make sure that you are trying to eat as much as possible of things you can tolerate. Make sure you drink plenty of water and if you can excercise that might help. Do you feel like you need to see a doctor for
some possible relief in the form of an antidepressant? Or even because of the weight loss? Your doctor maybe be able to help with some of these things.
The most important thing is to try to re focus all of the love and energy you are still pouring out toward her, back toward yourself~because you are the one who is worth it. Post often, read often, there are allot people here on this site that really truly care. You have take care of you, thats the key.
Don't give in to that darkeness, you are the one holding the light, you truly are, give yourself a chance to find out all of the wonderful things that are on waiting for you in your life once you get through this. You can do it.
Take Good Care
Lone

VerySadToday · 11-07-2006, 10:07 AM

John,

I don't have any advice, because I am in the same place myself.

Just wanted you to know that your feelings are very similar to mine.

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=157310

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showt...t=VerySadToday

Stambler · 11-07-2006, 10:33 AM

John,

I feel for you. Married 5 years, 3 year old son - I am going through the same thing, but she is still in the house (separate bedrooms for 6 months). She has asked for a divorce 6 times, so I finally told her that I couldn't change her mind and we needed to move on. She then breaks down and says she's not sure, but we have been nothing but roommates for 6 months now. No kissing, not touching, no intimacy or romance AT ALL. I know she wants out, she's miserable, but she's dragging it out and it was killing me!

I think I finally came to terms with it. And Lone is right - pour your love, energy, creativity, everything you have into YOURSELF. You're gonna need it and you will come out a stronger, better person!

I have been consuming myself with my career (careful, not too much there!), going to the gym, doing things with my son, picking up old hobbies, re-establishing my faith, reading, learning, and...well, I've actually found someone to talk to on-line (yes a female) -not about my impeding divorce, but about ME and HER. In situations such as ours, we need to overcome the rejection and feel good about ourselves, and she has given me something to look forward to, someone to share with. And guess what? After thinking that I could never get over it, I'm feeling this sense of, well, attraction and happiness with this woman. Kind of a flirty, fun, enjoyable person to share my life with. It's uplifting!

You have been hit with a tidal wave and you're in shock. Soon the tides will recede and you will look around and see the damage that was done. But trust me, there will be a point where you will formulate a plan, pick up the pieces and start to rebuilt. And what you rebuild will be stronger and far more resistant to another catastrophe...

We're here for ya!

W1nter · 11-07-2006, 12:28 PM

Hi John,

I know how you're feeling. My wife of 4 years left me for someone else just over a month ago and she practically shoved separation papers in my face. I moved out, just to get away from all the good/horrible memories and I'm having a hard time dealing with the loneliness.

My best advice is to make as clean a break as possible.. if she keeps contacting you about separation papers, etc, get that out of the way and initiate NC ASAP.

I have no doubt you were good to her, and like me no matter how much you gave and gave, this is what you got back. Both of us need to realize that we're great people and the person that we love has not only made a huge mistake in leaving something so good but ALSO that the person we fell in love with isn't the same person. The person we fell in love with wouldn't be doing this to us - being so cold and uncaring, so uncommited...

So there you have it.. that's what I'm working on right now - realizing I'm a great person, this wasn't my fault, it was the biggest mistake of her life and she WILL realize that and, eventually, I will meet someone who /appreciates/ the kind of love I have to give, and when that day comes I will be the happiest man alive.

I have days where I'm great - like yesterday - when I felt like I had my whole life to look forward to. And then I wake up the morning today in an empty bad, in my quiet empty house, and I think of all I've lost. Then I have to repeat to myself that I was happy alone once before, and I can be so again... that I won't be alone forever, that I'm a great person, that she will regret the choice she made, and that I will find someone who appreciates me and shows that appreciation with her love and devotion.

About not eating - same thing for me. I've lost 20 lbs in the past month, and really.. I needed to lose some weight anyway. I just wasn't planning on doing it this way! I've decided a good 'revenge' would be to get in shape and show her just how much more she gave up... so I'll start eating well, exercising, etc, instead of just wasting away.

Hang in there!

W1nter · 11-07-2006, 12:31 PM

Oh yeah, and what britnus said -

To fight off the loneliness and negative thoughts I've found it really helpful to be with friends (I don't have many... I basically ignored them for four years for her - huge mistake), listen to music (avoid the sad music about busted up relationships, or even the good music about good ones.. sometimes every song I listen to seems to be about 'us'... but there's some good rockin tunes to listen to and even some 'angry' music which has helped me, too.. being angry IS effective at dealing with this, and you have every right to be angry), watch movies or TV (I didn't watch much TV before, but now I'm forcing myself to do it, just so I can get my mind off of things), or go out and socialize somewhere (I'm going to be forcing myself to do this soon, as soon as I'm done unpacking all of my stuff).

Don't forget.. if you're in a position to do so, take everything that has a 'solid' memory of her attached to it and put in storage - it'll help.

Stambler · 11-07-2006, 12:50 PM

SPOT ON W1nter!!!

The weight loss - we needed it didn't we!
The friends- we blew them off to try to make someone happy who was probably not happy with themselves (my counselor says - when it comes to old friends - it only takes a drop of water to turn a desert into a garden!)

I smashed the guitar she gave me, burned every love letter and card, got rid of the pics of her and "us", and threw out anything else that was a gift from her! It's therepudic!

W1nter · 11-07-2006, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Camber

SPOT ON W1nter!!!

The friends- we blew them off to try to make someone happy who was probably not happy with themselves (my counselor says - when it comes to old friends - it only takes a drop of water to turn a desert into a garden!)

That was a rough lesson for me to learn. When she left me I was friendless and hopless, so I called my old friend.. one who I've known over ten years and he gave me a couch to sleep on, listened to my sob story, and was just /there/ for me. This guy has had more dedication to a friend like me, someone who ignored him for four years, than my wife ended up having. My wife who was my best friend, or so I thought.

Mates may come and go, but good friends will be there for you forever. No one should ever forget that.

Of course, if you're reading this in this forum, it's probably too late... but good to know for next time.

kath123 · 11-07-2006, 01:38 PM

tell me vynde, how were you feeling last week? have you had any let up with your pain at all, is it worse today because its one of them really bad days?
I find when i have a bad night (sleep wise) if i have dreams about my ex then i am so much worse the next day!
I cant watch tv late at night or read anything heavy because my concentration wont let me,but i do try to read the daily papers etc before i go to sleep and think that takes my mind off things slightly.;
And i bought myself a book which was recommended on this site called "its called break up because its broken" i found this very uplifting and really helpful,in fact ive read it three times in six weeks lol.
Have you tried any self help books??
I hope you will feel better than this tomorrow, and make sure you keep posting ,we are all here to help you, DONT FORGET THAT!!

Vynde · 11-07-2006, 01:48 PM

Thanks guys,

for your support, I guess I have taken such a self-esteem shot that I haveing a lot of troule getting back up. I feel like I will not be able to meet anyonoe again, nor at this point to I even feel like it.

I just want to be better, I want to get over her, but I KNOW I still love her, and I feel like untill I get over that feeling, I will not be able to heal.

Each day is so hard to get through, I know you all say this pain will pass.. I hope it does. /sigh

Thank you all. I guess every now and then I need a little support to push me up. This place is a true blessing..

john

11-07-2006, 09:36 AM	#1
Vynde Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New York Gender: Male Posts: 189	Down I go.. Hello all. http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=154740 I needed to write to all of you today. I'm having such a hard time. I thought by now I would start to feel a little better. I don't. I'm fearful that this pain isn't going to end. I miss my wife, so much and as I'm writing this I'm feeling myself begin to cry. I don't know what happened to my life, it was all so clear a few months ago, and no it's so uncertain. I'm so depressed and hurt I feel most days like I won't make it. I don't know what to do anymore. I miss her. I know she has moved along, and I'm still stuck here dreaming of her every single night, and every second of the day. I get home from work and I just cry myself so sleep. I still can't eat. I guess I'm eating enough to keep me alive because I'm still here. I just want to call her, and ask her one more time if this is what she really wants, but I don't, because I know it isn't what she wants. My life feels meaningless and like such a waste. I don't want to do it anymore. It's been 31 days since I have spoken with her; I have had small amounts of e-mail contact only because she wants to draft a separation agreement.. That's all. I haven't told her how I'm doing, or said anything about wanting her back for fear of being hurt. I haven't drove past her house or spoke with her family, I don't want to hurt myself by finding out she is with someone… I want her back, and I can't have her. I can't jump this hurdle.. It's too high. I feel myself rotting away from the inside out. I still love her so much, and Wish everyday she will come back.. Whats wrong with me.. I feel im at the end of my rope. God please help me see the light... The darkness has all but consumed me.. and it shouldn't be long now. I'm sorry for the depressing post. My support options are slim. john

11-07-2006, 12:28 PM	#5
W1nter Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Victoria, BC, Canada Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 29	Hi John, I know how you're feeling. My wife of 4 years left me for someone else just over a month ago and she practically shoved separation papers in my face. I moved out, just to get away from all the good/horrible memories and I'm having a hard time dealing with the loneliness. My best advice is to make as clean a break as possible.. if she keeps contacting you about separation papers, etc, get that out of the way and initiate NC ASAP. I have no doubt you were good to her, and like me no matter how much you gave and gave, this is what you got back. Both of us need to realize that we're great people and the person that we love has not only made a huge mistake in leaving something so good but ALSO that the person we fell in love with isn't the same person. The person we fell in love with wouldn't be doing this to us - being so cold and uncaring, so uncommited... So there you have it.. that's what I'm working on right now - realizing I'm a great person, this wasn't my fault, it was the biggest mistake of her life and she WILL realize that and, eventually, I will meet someone who /appreciates/ the kind of love I have to give, and when that day comes I will be the happiest man alive. I have days where I'm great - like yesterday - when I felt like I had my whole life to look forward to. And then I wake up the morning today in an empty bad, in my quiet empty house, and I think of all I've lost. Then I have to repeat to myself that I was happy alone once before, and I can be so again... that I won't be alone forever, that I'm a great person, that she will regret the choice she made, and that I will find someone who appreciates me and shows that appreciation with her love and devotion. About not eating - same thing for me. I've lost 20 lbs in the past month, and really.. I needed to lose some weight anyway. I just wasn't planning on doing it this way! I've decided a good 'revenge' would be to get in shape and show her just how much more she gave up... so I'll start eating well, exercising, etc, instead of just wasting away. Hang in there! Last edited by W1nter; 11-07-2006 at 12:34 PM.

11-07-2006, 10:07 AM	#2
LONESOUL Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: finding my way Gender: Female Posts: 655	Hey John. I am so sorry to hear you are still having such a hard time. Splitting up is such a hard thing to do. It's a painful process, and it stinks. The bad news is, because it is a process, it sometimes takes a little time. The good news is, you can get through it~and when you do you will be better and stronger for having done so. I know that it is hard to see right now. You meantioned that you are still eating very little. Thats pretty normal, but you will to make sure that you are trying to eat as much as possible of things you can tolerate. Make sure you drink plenty of water and if you can excercise that might help. Do you feel like you need to see a doctor for some possible relief in the form of an antidepressant? Or even because of the weight loss? Your doctor maybe be able to help with some of these things. The most important thing is to try to re focus all of the love and energy you are still pouring out toward her, back toward yourself~because you are the one who is worth it. Post often, read often, there are allot people here on this site that really truly care. You have take care of you, thats the key. Don't give in to that darkeness, you are the one holding the light, you truly are, give yourself a chance to find out all of the wonderful things that are on waiting for you in your life once you get through this. You can do it. Take Good Care Lone

11-07-2006, 10:07 AM	#3
VerySadToday Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 55	John, I don't have any advice, because I am in the same place myself. Just wanted you to know that your feelings are very similar to mine. http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=157310 http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showt...t=VerySadToday

11-07-2006, 10:33 AM	#4
Stambler Offline Join Date: Jan 2006 Gender: None Specified Posts: 810	John, I feel for you. Married 5 years, 3 year old son - I am going through the same thing, but she is still in the house (separate bedrooms for 6 months). She has asked for a divorce 6 times, so I finally told her that I couldn't change her mind and we needed to move on. She then breaks down and says she's not sure, but we have been nothing but roommates for 6 months now. No kissing, not touching, no intimacy or romance AT ALL. I know she wants out, she's miserable, but she's dragging it out and it was killing me! I think I finally came to terms with it. And Lone is right - pour your love, energy, creativity, everything you have into YOURSELF. You're gonna need it and you will come out a stronger, better person! I have been consuming myself with my career (careful, not too much there!), going to the gym, doing things with my son, picking up old hobbies, re-establishing my faith, reading, learning, and...well, I've actually found someone to talk to on-line (yes a female) -not about my impeding divorce, but about ME and HER. In situations such as ours, we need to overcome the rejection and feel good about ourselves, and she has given me something to look forward to, someone to share with. And guess what? After thinking that I could never get over it, I'm feeling this sense of, well, attraction and happiness with this woman. Kind of a flirty, fun, enjoyable person to share my life with. It's uplifting! You have been hit with a tidal wave and you're in shock. Soon the tides will recede and you will look around and see the damage that was done. But trust me, there will be a point where you will formulate a plan, pick up the pieces and start to rebuilt. And what you rebuild will be stronger and far more resistant to another catastrophe... We're here for ya!

11-07-2006, 12:31 PM	#6
W1nter Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Victoria, BC, Canada Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 29	Oh yeah, and what britnus said - To fight off the loneliness and negative thoughts I've found it really helpful to be with friends (I don't have many... I basically ignored them for four years for her - huge mistake), listen to music (avoid the sad music about busted up relationships, or even the good music about good ones.. sometimes every song I listen to seems to be about 'us'... but there's some good rockin tunes to listen to and even some 'angry' music which has helped me, too.. being angry IS effective at dealing with this, and you have every right to be angry), watch movies or TV (I didn't watch much TV before, but now I'm forcing myself to do it, just so I can get my mind off of things), or go out and socialize somewhere (I'm going to be forcing myself to do this soon, as soon as I'm done unpacking all of my stuff). Don't forget.. if you're in a position to do so, take everything that has a 'solid' memory of her attached to it and put in storage - it'll help.

11-07-2006, 12:50 PM	#7
Stambler Offline Join Date: Jan 2006 Gender: None Specified Posts: 810	SPOT ON W1nter!!! The weight loss - we needed it didn't we! The friends- we blew them off to try to make someone happy who was probably not happy with themselves (my counselor says - when it comes to old friends - it only takes a drop of water to turn a desert into a garden!) I smashed the guitar she gave me, burned every love letter and card, got rid of the pics of her and "us", and threw out anything else that was a gift from her! It's therepudic!

11-07-2006, 01:38 PM	#9
kath123 Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: south wales Gender: Female Posts: 72	tell me vynde, how were you feeling last week? have you had any let up with your pain at all, is it worse today because its one of them really bad days? I find when i have a bad night (sleep wise) if i have dreams about my ex then i am so much worse the next day! I cant watch tv late at night or read anything heavy because my concentration wont let me,but i do try to read the daily papers etc before i go to sleep and think that takes my mind off things slightly.; And i bought myself a book which was recommended on this site called "its called break up because its broken" i found this very uplifting and really helpful,in fact ive read it three times in six weeks lol. Have you tried any self help books?? I hope you will feel better than this tomorrow, and make sure you keep posting ,we are all here to help you, DONT FORGET THAT!!

11-07-2006, 01:48 PM	#10
Vynde Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New York Gender: Male Posts: 189	Thanks guys, for your support, I guess I have taken such a self-esteem shot that I haveing a lot of troule getting back up. I feel like I will not be able to meet anyonoe again, nor at this point to I even feel like it. I just want to be better, I want to get over her, but I KNOW I still love her, and I feel like untill I get over that feeling, I will not be able to heal. Each day is so hard to get through, I know you all say this pain will pass.. I hope it does. /sigh Thank you all. I guess every now and then I need a little support to push me up. This place is a true blessing.. john