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My girlfriend likes to talk to other guys, is this cheating?


dimstar

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Just a brief summary of my relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for over a year and we live together. We meet using Lavalife and I love her dearly and she has always told me she wouldn't dream of ever cheating on me because her heart won't let her.

 

About a month ago, I found out she started chatting with several guys she said her girlfriend introduced her to. She then started to chat with these guys over MSN and then over the phone. When I confronted her about this, she told me it was just friendly chat and she has not intention of ever meeting them or being with them. I began to get really suspicious and started looking at her MSN conversation history and noticed she was misleading these guys telling them she was single and how she would like to meet them. She would even get phone calls from these guys and she would lie telling me it was her girlfriend. I begged her to please stop and she told me she would because she didn't want to hurt me anymore so she deleted these guys off her MSN and promised not to talk to them anymore.

 

About a couple of weeks ago, she told me she was going out to her girlfriend's house. But when her girlfriend called, it sounded like a guy. When I asked her about this, she insisted it was her girlfriend and asked me to trust her. Convinced that it was a guy I heard and I remembered that one of th guys in her MSN wanted to meet her at a bar. I didn't even have to follow her, I left 5 minutes after she did and my heart dropped when I saw her car parked outside the bar. I went into the bar and saw her with this guy she was talking to on MSN. I just introduced myself and told them to have a good time and fell apart outside. She didn't even run after me or call me to explain. I called her mom and her mom called her and told her that I was falling apart outside. She finally came out and told me she was meeting the guy with her girlfriend and that I didn't see her girlfriend because she was in the bathroom. She then wanted to go back in and finish the drink with her friends.

 

I believed this and went back home. I gave her girlfriend a call and she said she didn't leave her house and doesn't even know who this guy was that my girlfriend was seeing. Knowing that she lied to me, I confronted her and soon all the lies started coming out. My girlfriend even told this guy I was her ex when I caught them and I forced her to call this guy and apologize for misleading him. There were several times I just wanted to give up on her because of all her lies and doing things behind my back.

 

I even found out recently that she meet this guy and all the others off Lavalife, which she started using again a month ago. She insists she was not cheating on me and it would not go any further than a drink but if she just wanted to be friends, why does she need to deceive and lie about it? My trust in her has been shattered but I do know I still love her and gave her a second chance. It just seems everyday, I find something else. Just recently, I found out she emailed this guy she meet saying that she's not fully in love with me and that she was starting to like him. Her explanation was she just wanted to be nice and apologize but she continues to lie to others and myself. What I'm doing is wrong too, checking on her, her email. I don't want to, I really don't but it seems like the only way to stop her from doing what she is doing. I have pleaded with her over the past month to stop all this nonsense and she promised she would but I just never believed she would go and meet this guy. Would you consider this cheating? Or was she just looking for attention or a friend?

 

Sorry for the long story ... I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. If I tell my friends or family, they'll just tell me to leave her and I want to believe she is a good person for me.

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Well, if you smell a fish, there probably is one.

 

She is hiding these men from you, saying she is single, I think it's time to deal with the issue and discuss it with her.

 

She cannot have her cake and eat it too.

 

Spying on her isn't right either so try to avoid that.

 

I would not consider it cheating but she might be on the brink of doing so.

 

Is she really that good when she hides that she's with you with these men?

 

I think you need to look at what's really going on here, reread what you wrote, and tell me, is this fair to you?

 

Hugs, Rose

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I dont know how you could not consider this cheating. The sad part is that you need to leave her and you wont do it. You are going to rationalize the situation saying that you love her and you dont want the relationship to end. The truth is that she isnt acting like she is in a relationship with you. She is interested in other guys and you are just too emotionally attached to her to leave. Get out while you can, it is going to be painful but far worse than the alternative.

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you know, I talk to men all the time. at the grocery store, in the elevator, at work, at the gym, at the post office.... etc.... but I don't go around telling guys that I'm single if I'm not!

 

yup, smells fishy, like rose said....

 

it's one thing to "talk" to other guys, but a whole different thing to sign back up on a dating website. she is cheating on you, or even if she isn't, she intends to. I know that if I were dating someone for a while, and I saw them back up on a website, that would be the end of that relationship!!!

 

she is only with you now until she finds a replacement.

 

dump her.

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Smells like fish is right.. this all stinks like a three month old haddock.

 

I don't often use these words as I always feel there is some sort of hope but not in this case and the words are........ DUMP HER.

 

She is sniffing out other men because she is STILL looking, she has not commited herself to you. She tells the other men the truth and you should believe it. Her actions are proving this. All the words in the world mean nothing if they are not backed up by action.

 

If you do not tell her its over, she will continue to make a fool out of you for a very long time. You are right not to trust her, you are wasting your time, energy and love on a liar who doesn't love you.

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Please read over these points again:

 

I began to get really suspicious and started looking at her MSN conversation history and noticed she was misleading these guys telling them she was single and how she would like to meet them. She would even get phone calls from these guys and she would lie telling me it was her girlfriend.

 

I went into the bar and saw her with this guy she was talking to on MSN. I just introduced myself and told them to have a good time and fell apart outside. She didn't even run after me or call me to explain.

 

My girlfriend even told this guy I was her ex when I caught them and I forced her to call this guy and apologize for misleading him.

 

I even found out recently that she meet this guy and all the others off Lavalife, which she started using again a month ago.

 

Just recently, I found out she emailed this guy she meet saying that she's not fully in love with me and that she was starting to like him. Her explanation was she just wanted to be nice and apologize but she continues to lie to others and myself.

 

I'm sorry hun, but this girl does NOT love or respect you. I would never even DREAM of doing something this heinous and underhanded to my boyfriend. And why? Because I love and respect him! Time to wake up. I know it's hard - I really do - but this behaviour will not resolve itself in time. Her heart is not into the relationship.

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didn't even have to follow her, I left 5 minutes after she did and my heart dropped when I saw her car parked outside the bar. I went into the bar and saw her with this guy she was talking to on MSN. I just introduced myself and told them to have a good time and fell apart outside. She didn't even run after me or call me to explain. I called her mom and her mom called her and told her that I was falling apart outside.

 

oh yikes!!!! I missed that part! you caught her on a date with another man?

 

blah.

 

it's over. forget her.

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didn't even have to follow her, I left 5 minutes after she did and my heart dropped when I saw her car parked outside the bar. I went into the bar and saw her with this guy she was talking to on MSN. I just introduced myself and told them to have a good time and fell apart outside. She didn't even run after me or call me to explain. I called her mom and her mom called her and told her that I was falling apart outside.

 

Whoaaa! How did you pull it all together when you saw her?

 

She is grade A cheater, please let go of her, put her back on the shelf, and let some other guy put up with her cheating and horrid ways.

 

You deserve far better than that, please do not let her get away with this by staying, her tactics smell like rotten eggs.

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You know what mate, I am in a very similar situation to you. Read my thread if u like, its under "she cheated on me". You know what I'm gonna tell you right? And i know if u read mine, you would tell me the same thing. We are in the same boat man, and it hurts and sucks sooo much. I think we both know what to do. However, we are both hesitating, trying do delay the inevitable, holding on for dear life to what we once had. Why? Maybe you could tell me, cos i really dont know ](*,)

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I'm really sorry that your girlfriend is treating you like this.

 

It's completely disrespectful of her. And I do believe she is cheating. Not only that, but she is also lying to you. And sadly, this is only what you have "caught", my bet is that she's doing a lot more than what you know of.

 

She's obviously not going to stop this anytime soon. She hasn't even admitted to doing wrong, so why would she stop?

 

I just think that no matter what, she does not deserve a caring a loving guy like you. You need a girl who appreciates your love.

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Damn, she has no respect for you nor the commitment, hardly any if possible. It's one thing to talk to guy friends online and people and another to actually say I'm single and going to meet them or invent stories to them. If you catch her on a date with a man she's been talking on MSN at a club and she originally told you she was going with a female friend, hiding men from you then that's enough reason to dump her.

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Darling she is doing A LOT more than 'talking to other guys'

She is searching out & meeting & dating new men. She is lying to you & about you to them.

She is Definietly cheating! how could that not be.

leave her. Protect yourself, No good can come of what she is doing.

 

I know you like to think she is good for you...but now think, would a women who's good for me- start up a profile on a dating site? go on dates with these men? leave you hurt & broken while she drinks with them in a bar????? lie to you repeated times? all while claiming to love you & commit to you while living with you

This is NOT right & don't expect her to change!

You deserve a good women, a faithful women, a women who cherishes you & loves you with ALL of her heart.

I'm sorry....but seriously Be smart about this & get out before you get hurt even worse.

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Would you consider this cheating? Or was she just looking for attention or a friend?

 

Sorry for the long story ... I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. If I tell my friends or family, they'll just tell me to leave her and I want to believe she is a good person for me.

 

 

 

Yes, this is cheating.

 

As to your wanting to believe she’s a good person for you, and isn't cheating on you ... well that's like believing Santa Claus is real. You may, for awhile, successfully deceive yourself that your fantasy is real, but it won't last because inside you’ll always know it’s not the truth, that it's your fantasy and not real.

 

You deserve better, you deserve real love not this false version being offered to you, and to find that real love - and to find the right person who’s ready and willing to give their love to you, you'll need to do 5 things to make room for them in your life:

 

 

Quit the fantasy

Face the truth,

Face the pain

Leave this girl and

Learn from the experience

 

The pain doesn’t last forever … and real love is so much better than false love, or fantasy love. You owe it to yourself to find the real thing, and I have faith in you that you can do this, face this and come out okay and ready for a real relationship.

 

Kind regards

~ww~

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You know what mate, I am in a very similar situation to you. Read my thread if u like, its under "she cheated on me". You know what I'm gonna tell you right? And i know if u read mine, you would tell me the same thing. We are in the same boat man, and it hurts and sucks sooo much. I think we both know what to do. However, we are both hesitating, trying do delay the inevitable, holding on for dear life to what we once had. Why? Maybe you could tell me, cos i really dont know ](*,)

 

I read your post and I can totally relate to what you are feeling. My girlfriend and I have been through a lot, good and bad over the past year. I think we hold on because deep down, we somehow feel this is someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with. I have to admit that your situation is much worse than mine is but nevertheless, we both know we've been cheated on and although we can learn to forgive, we'll never forget.

 

While I don't want to sound like a hopeless fool, I have given my girlfriend another chance. I did confront her tonight and even showed her the replies from this topic and I do sense from her that she is knows what she did was wrong and promised to never do it again. She told me I am the only one she wants to be with and wants me to forgive her because it was a mistake to talk to and meet other guys. She deleted her Lavalife account and has blocked everyone from her MSN.

 

I do love her and I do believe she loves me, which makes it so much more difficult to understand why she did what she did. I told her I wasn't sure when I could get that trust back, she told me that it takes time to heal and she will prove to me that I can trust her again.

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wow man. All I can say is "good luck." you're gonna need it. somehow, I don't think she will change her ways - I think she'll go back to it eventually, if not on lavalife, on link removed or yahoopersonals. she'll pop up somewhere else eventually. I would definitely not be surprised if you find out again she is cheating on you a few months from now.

 

would you have ever considered putting up an online profile after dating for 1 year??? why or why not?

 

just because she realizes her actions were wrong, doesn't mean that she is going to change her ways.

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Whether you forgive her is up to you. Of course it might not be so easy to trust her, but maybe she can gain your trust back eventually.

 

But honestly, I don't believe what she said. She knew what she was doing was wrong. She knew it would hurt you. If she thought it was ok, she wouldn't have lied to you about it.

 

But I really hope that she stays honest and faithful from this point on because you don't deserve anything less than that.

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The bottom line is that no spouse, or signifigant other, boyfriend or girlfriend should ever have to have their partner on high level security... a relationship shouldnt be like being in the CIA where you have to secretly plot, wonder, spy, worry etc. etc. like you are dealing with the North Koreans and their Nuclear Program. A relationship should be good, based on trust, communication, honesty, love, respect etc. Not lies, half truths, deceptions, omissions, other men (or women) etc.

 

There two ways this can go, she will change and realize how much she hurt you and it will end and things will work out fine. Or she will continue doing more of the same. You have already decided to give her a second chance I suppose... my advice is to sit her down and make sure she KNOWS that this is the last chance. You have to be firm, and hold your ground and hold your head up... in other words be a damn man for a change. She will most likely respect that, and not be so likely to treat you as a doormat. If you do go down the road of keeping this relationship going... do not, REPEAT DO NOT give her another chance if she screws up again. Ive been down a semi similar road, and it was not until I broke up with my girl were we able to move beyond all the bs. Things are good now, but if she started acting all shady about other guys I would walk in a heartbeat. Regardless how much you love someone, you have to love yourself too. Dont put up with crap that you shouldnt put up with, dont be walked on, and dont be ruined by your love for that woman.

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Thanks for the advice Rabican. Thanks to everyone else that gave me some advice. I do understand what everyone is telling me and I don't want to sound like a fool for giving it another chance but it just feels right in my heart.

 

After a long discussion, she knows what she did was very wrong and has told me it just hit her that she really could have lost me. She doesn't ever want to put me through that again, and I believe her. And, yes I do believe in myself that if it happens again, that will be it. I don't think I can take another heart break.

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If I tell my friends or family, they'll just tell me to leave her and I want to believe she is a good person for me.

 

Dude, she is NOT a "good person" for you. Why would you even think she was a good person in general after she lied to you, decieved you, and is openly seeking other men via the internet? Those are not the actions of someone who loves you. I'm sorry you are mixed up with this kind of integrity-challenged tramp. You need to take the reigns here and kick her to the curb! When you followed her to the bar, you should have told her right then and there that you were history. Don't waffle around on this and fall for her bs...she's just going to continue the same old crap.

 

She's no damn good for you, my friend, get rid of her. Maybe it's time you started meeting better women online yourself.

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This is "dimstar's" girlfriend. I have respect for what people have said. If I was reading over a situation as he has wrote, I would probably say the same thing. Our lives have been very different. There are things I do not want to say out of respect for dimstar. In my heart he is the only man that has ever treated me with respect and the love he has shown me. I admit I have done some very immature and foolish things but nowhere in my mind was I looking for someone else. I am trying to deal with my past that has jaded me in such a way that is hard to mend. I forever do not want to hurt him. I have told him that if I do not stop hurting him, I do not deserve him. As you have probably guessed, I am completely cutting myself off all web pages, msn and any sort of chat rooms. I want him to trust me and I will do whatever it takes. I am not a bad person. I only wish I can take back some of the things I have done. Not only that hurt him, but myself as well.

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