would it make a difference if I was?

anouk85 · 10-29-2006, 12:57 PM

I've not made a firm decision on my sexuality, frankly because I'm just not sure. And that's ok – for the time being anyway.

Back in April I was having a 'thing' with my room-mate, Beth, it wasn't exactly sexual yet it wasn't exaclty not-sexual - it was complicated. During this time I was looking for a tennis partner and met Anna, who to quote her is 'out, loud and proud'. During the summer Beth went to her home town a few hours away and I stayed on to take a couple summer courses and began to hang out with Anna and a few others as they were also staying.

Beth returned in September and said she'd began dating her ex boyfriend again. I was upset but we had drifted over the summer so it didn't hurt as much as it would have if she had started dating him in April. The bottom line of it is we were still really firm friends.

On Friday Beth asked my plans for the weekend (she was packing to go and see her BF) and I said I was gonna hang out with Anna and Co on Friday night and then probably the same thing on Saturday. Then she shocked me with saying 'you know people are going to start to think you're a lesbian' so I said 'would that make a difference if I was?' she just looked at me with such contempt and anger in her eyes, I've never seen anything like it and said 'to a lot of people, yeah it will' she turned away from me, walked out of the house and drove off.

I don't know what to do. We live together, we have classes together and I don't know what 'to a lot of people, yeah it will' means. I wanted to talk to Anna about it but it's not fair to bring her into it, I'm so confused and Beth will be back here in a few hours and what do I say to her? Or do I just say nothing and ignore it?

Reluctant Rebuilder · 10-29-2006, 01:19 PM

What are you confused about? You shouldn’t feel any shame in what you do on the weekends, or who you hang out with. Quite frankly the only person who should really be concerned about this is you. You could tell Beth that you were really surprised by her response to you. It sounds like you spend a lot of time together so keeping the peace is a good idea, but at the same time that shouldn’t from sacrificing your dignity or you becoming a door mat. Seriously, it’s almost 2007, why should it matter who you hang around with. If you are gay, then so what, you’re in with people who understand you. If you aren’t gay then you have some cool friends that you don’t have to compete with over guys. If you’re somewhere in the middle then huzzah you have more options for love than most. But in the end I don’t see how your sexuality or who you spend your time with is really something that a friend or group of friends should be taking issue with. A friend with conditions isn’t really a friend.

agent · 10-29-2006, 01:26 PM

Honestly, I think Beth is projecting on to you. And is a bit jealous.

Your sexuality is your business and if someone makes it a condition of friendship - forget them.

anouk85 · 10-29-2006, 02:24 PM

Thanks for the speedy replies!

The thing that really hurts is not that she thinks I might be gay (I can understand why she may wonder), but that she was so upset by the idea. That is where my confusion comes from. How could someone who is supposed to be one of my best friends look at me like that? I know I shouldn't have (and I don't anymore) but at that moment I felt nothing but ashamed. Like I have something to hide.

I'm thinking of saying to her when she gets home something to the effect of (in private)

'Your comments on Friday hurt me. To think that your friendship towards me is fickle enough that my sexuality would really make that much of a difference is very disappointing. I don't want to argue or fight I just want you to know that's it is not ok that you speak to me that way.'

Is that ok? I mean is it too harsh? I (as Reluctant Rebuilder suggested) do want to keep the peace, we've still got 6 months left on the lease on our house and I don't want to live in a hostile environment. Plus though I'm upset with her I do want to keep her as my friend, we've been though a lot together, I just don't want to be kept around so she has someone to take out her frustrations on.

Cheers

Reluctant Rebuilder · 10-29-2006, 02:52 PM

That doesn't sound harsh to me at all. It sounds like the words of someone who respects themselves and the friendships they have. In a way we need to help the people around us learn how they can treat us. You’re standing up for yourself, but not in a hostile way which is very good.

Tigris · 10-30-2006, 10:43 AM

She's being selfish and is worrying about her own reputation. Before there was only the two of you who knew about your sexuality because it was behind closed doors. Now she's panicking because she's realised you intend hanging out with the lesbian crowd on a regular basis and she thinks that's going to reflect on her.

I've been through this recently with my 2 sisters. They're wanting me to keep a low profile so it doesn't affect them or their children. As far as I'm concerned it's their problem and not mine. I've lived 30 years as hetrosexual and fought my feelings and now it's my turn to live the life I choose.

If you're upset by what she said tell her, however, if you want to keep the peace give her a chance to sort herself out and see if she apologises to you without being prompted.

Feel free to PM me even if you just want to vent.

10-29-2006, 12:57 PM	#1
anouk85 Offline Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 2	would it make a difference if I was? I've not made a firm decision on my sexuality, frankly because I'm just not sure. And that's ok – for the time being anyway. Back in April I was having a 'thing' with my room-mate, Beth, it wasn't exactly sexual yet it wasn't exaclty not-sexual - it was complicated. During this time I was looking for a tennis partner and met Anna, who to quote her is 'out, loud and proud'. During the summer Beth went to her home town a few hours away and I stayed on to take a couple summer courses and began to hang out with Anna and a few others as they were also staying. Beth returned in September and said she'd began dating her ex boyfriend again. I was upset but we had drifted over the summer so it didn't hurt as much as it would have if she had started dating him in April. The bottom line of it is we were still really firm friends. On Friday Beth asked my plans for the weekend (she was packing to go and see her BF) and I said I was gonna hang out with Anna and Co on Friday night and then probably the same thing on Saturday. Then she shocked me with saying 'you know people are going to start to think you're a lesbian' so I said 'would that make a difference if I was?' she just looked at me with such contempt and anger in her eyes, I've never seen anything like it and said 'to a lot of people, yeah it will' she turned away from me, walked out of the house and drove off. I don't know what to do. We live together, we have classes together and I don't know what 'to a lot of people, yeah it will' means. I wanted to talk to Anna about it but it's not fair to bring her into it, I'm so confused and Beth will be back here in a few hours and what do I say to her? Or do I just say nothing and ignore it?

10-29-2006, 01:26 PM	#3
agent Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 3,891	Honestly, I think Beth is projecting on to you. And is a bit jealous. Your sexuality is your business and if someone makes it a condition of friendship - forget them. __________________ "You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too." - Anais Nin "Come now, don't make such a funeral face. It isn't dying that's sad; it's living when you're not happy." -Octave Mirbeau "Don't be sad, don't be angry, if life deceives you! Submit to your grief; your time for joy will come, believe me." -Aleksandr Pushkin

10-29-2006, 01:19 PM	#2
Reluctant Rebuilder Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Walking a long dark road Gender: Male Posts: 238	What are you confused about? You shouldn’t feel any shame in what you do on the weekends, or who you hang out with. Quite frankly the only person who should really be concerned about this is you. You could tell Beth that you were really surprised by her response to you. It sounds like you spend a lot of time together so keeping the peace is a good idea, but at the same time that shouldn’t from sacrificing your dignity or you becoming a door mat. Seriously, it’s almost 2007, why should it matter who you hang around with. If you are gay, then so what, you’re in with people who understand you. If you aren’t gay then you have some cool friends that you don’t have to compete with over guys. If you’re somewhere in the middle then huzzah you have more options for love than most. But in the end I don’t see how your sexuality or who you spend your time with is really something that a friend or group of friends should be taking issue with. A friend with conditions isn’t really a friend.

10-29-2006, 02:24 PM	#4
anouk85 Offline Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 2	Thanks for the speedy replies! The thing that really hurts is not that she thinks I might be gay (I can understand why she may wonder), but that she was so upset by the idea. That is where my confusion comes from. How could someone who is supposed to be one of my best friends look at me like that? I know I shouldn't have (and I don't anymore) but at that moment I felt nothing but ashamed. Like I have something to hide. I'm thinking of saying to her when she gets home something to the effect of (in private) 'Your comments on Friday hurt me. To think that your friendship towards me is fickle enough that my sexuality would really make that much of a difference is very disappointing. I don't want to argue or fight I just want you to know that's it is not ok that you speak to me that way.' Is that ok? I mean is it too harsh? I (as Reluctant Rebuilder suggested) do want to keep the peace, we've still got 6 months left on the lease on our house and I don't want to live in a hostile environment. Plus though I'm upset with her I do want to keep her as my friend, we've been though a lot together, I just don't want to be kept around so she has someone to take out her frustrations on. Cheers

10-29-2006, 02:52 PM	#5
Reluctant Rebuilder Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Walking a long dark road Gender: Male Posts: 238	That doesn't sound harsh to me at all. It sounds like the words of someone who respects themselves and the friendships they have. In a way we need to help the people around us learn how they can treat us. You’re standing up for yourself, but not in a hostile way which is very good.

10-30-2006, 10:43 AM	#6
Tigris Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 3,556	She's being selfish and is worrying about her own reputation. Before there was only the two of you who knew about your sexuality because it was behind closed doors. Now she's panicking because she's realised you intend hanging out with the lesbian crowd on a regular basis and she thinks that's going to reflect on her. I've been through this recently with my 2 sisters. They're wanting me to keep a low profile so it doesn't affect them or their children. As far as I'm concerned it's their problem and not mine. I've lived 30 years as hetrosexual and fought my feelings and now it's my turn to live the life I choose. If you're upset by what she said tell her, however, if you want to keep the peace give her a chance to sort herself out and see if she apologises to you without being prompted. Feel free to PM me even if you just want to vent.