Having some issues. I can't solve Need help!

krnswte143 · 10-24-2006, 03:28 PM

Ok, I have few issues that i can't seem to solve.

I'm obsess with my boyfriend's past w/ his ex girlfriend

( I know they went out decades ago but I dont know how long they were toghether ( im assuming 3 years?) and when they broke up. I'm very curious. My friend said , "Does it really matter because he is with u now not her" U guys think I should let this go? I'm constantly talking about her and him to my bf.. he is tired of my (issues)

I feel as if he is looing interest in me or doesn't care

( reason i say this is because, we use to talk a lot before like everyday online at work.. nowadays, we dont talk as much... is it me just feeling "needy" that i think he is loosing interest in me? We don't really go out we just stay home on weekends.. we'll go places here and there. he just seems lazy.

Worrying too much about everything

( i dont know if its my personal problem or not.. I worry too much.. I start thinking of things and I start to believe these "thoughts"...
How can i overcome these feelings? I worry that he might be cheating,seeing someone else n so forth.... Little things i hear or see from bf's behavior i think twice about it and for a long time i willl think n try to see what he meant or was doing...

Im usually depressed all the time, feeling lonely, and I am just not that happy anymore... Do i need to seek professional help?

NJRon · 10-24-2006, 03:37 PM

Well... I always advocate seeking professional help... as it rarely hurts. Especially to have someone to talk things out about. your self-esteem is getting in the way of just relaxing and enjoying the relationship and, I am sure, is putting a lot of pressure on your boyfriend.

the fact that he has an ex... 7 years ago. yes, that's something that I would not be too concerned with at all unles sthey are in regular communication/contact. I can understand why he would be tired of defending himself. That can lead to a lack of interest in the relationship... it becomes emotionally draining.

Is he having interactions with his ex? Ar ethere reasons why you are feeling so insecure with yourself and the relationship (aside from this sense of him distancing himself)? Why do you feel that he is cheating? Did you start feeling that before or after you started repeatedly bringing up his ex?

Mun · 10-24-2006, 03:49 PM

Hello there,
Does he do something specific that makes you feel that he just doesn't care anymore. Has he been cruel or hurtful to you?

It seems rather normal to fall into routines and get a bit " lazy" in the relationship once you have established yourselves as a couple. Try setting up "dates" at least once every two weeks so that you are still going out sometimes and not home ALL the time. Try getting him interested in this by promising a nice "surprise" at the end of the date. You can come up with something right

?

Talking to him about his exes, and wanting to know all the details will look a bit pathetic ( sorry ) , not to mention "obsessed", and could eventually turn him off to you so watch out for that. Remind yourself instead that those relationships led him to you. He cares for you or he wouldn't be with you now.

Just throwing some ideas at you.

Jayar · 10-24-2006, 03:49 PM

Okay wait... Did you have another identity on this forum not long ago? Because honestly dating someone who lives with his ex "and other people" is not a common situation... So I can't help but think you are this same person.

If so, then the answer to your questions this time around is the same as they were last time.

flower99 · 10-24-2006, 03:52 PM

A saying that i believe is very true.

Careful of your thoughts because,
You're thoughts become your words
Your words become your actions
your actions become your character

You are letting negetive thoughts take over you're life.

You can't control what comes into your mind, but you can Control what you choose to think of.
When you start wondering about everything, change your thoughts & think of the good things. Count your blessing & Think of what is real, he's with you! Cherish it, don't burdon your realtionship with the past. (there will ALWAYS be an ex, sometimes many)
This is your problem, if he had a time machine he could change this, but he doesn't - So accept it.Don't let your thoughts take over you.

If you feel he's losing intrest it could be because you're topic of conversation is his ex " I'm constantly talking about her and him to my bf.. he is tired of my (issues)" I wouldn't want to discuss my ex with my bf...and I doubt he does either...

You have a future together, that is far more important. Enjoy eachother
I wish you luck & happiness

AngelEyez · 10-24-2006, 03:53 PM

I feel the same way sometimes...I try to deal with it one step at a time. You said:

"I'm obsess with my boyfriend's past w/ his ex girlfriend"
-Sometimes I bring up the fact that my boyfriend made out with a ZILLION girls before he met me. I mention their names sometimes too. If I'm mad, I'll blurt out, "Yeah, well just go back to Melissa and you'll be happier." <- This is very bad... I do it because I'm jealous of what they had together. I wanted to be his first kiss and what not...but it doesn't work out that way. He was my first kiss, so maybe in some aspects I think it's unfair? Anyways, I've mellowed out about this. You can't constantly bring up his past. Knowing your boyfriend went out for a girl for 3 years shows you that he's committed. He's not one of those guys that has the mind-state of sleep with them and leave them.

"I feel as if he is losing interest in me or doesn't care"
-Have you asked him about this? I'm sure your boyfriend would tell you if he's losing interest in you. Try and spice up the relationship. See what happens? I'm in an LDR and it sometimes seems that way because of the constant On-line chatting [get's boring sometimes]. There's nothing new to talk about...and I can't really do much with him.

"Worrying too much about everything"
-I'm a constant worrier as well. In an LDR I can't always check up on my boyfriend. Is he with someone else on the side? Who the heck knows... I trust him that he will not cheat on me. If he breaks that trust, then he only gets one chance, and that's his mistake. He would lose me. I cannot prevent his feelings in his pants from wandering. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself right? You have to trust him. Sometimes worrying about your boyfriend will seem like you think he's a "player" or a "low-life". If you're still with him, I'm sure he's not any of those.

You can try seeking professional help. I have already done so in the past...and I'm starting again on Thursday! I hope things change for me. Severe depression, high levels of stress...aren't pleasant. I can't get my mind off my boyfriend. My mind goes from one thing to another in a split second. "Is he losing interest?" "Is he cheating on me?" "Does he want us to be over?" I just want something to wash out the worry from my head, unfortunately I have to deal with it myself. Just know you aren't alone. Others [me] feel the same way. We all have our worries, but sometimes more than another.

Mun · 10-24-2006, 03:56 PM

You know what I read back to some of your other topics and I'm getting that you don't feel all that valued by him. Is that the case?

So, here's a question for you: when you talk to him do you feel he honestly cares about how you feel and tries to accomodate you or does he just kind of tell you you're over reacting and dismiss it ?
...that would make me mad ...

Jayar · 10-24-2006, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by krnswte143

Actually no, I just signed up not so long ago... why is there someone else who is in the same shoe as me!!?

Yup... Funny, I didn't think there would be two girls on one forum silly enough to date a guy who still lives with his ex.

flower99 · 10-24-2006, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by krnswte143

when we argue about stuff ..he just thinks about himself n tries to win the argument which i think its ridicious. he treats me as if im his enemy. yes, he tels me im over-reacting and stuff and just closes the conversation

oh wow, if he only thinks of himself during arguments & treats you as an enemy..that is NOT healthy & in addition he broke up with you last week & got back together???? How long have you been together?

Jayar · 10-24-2006, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by krnswte143

wow thats funny LOL... u happen to know her SN here? Maybe I could talk to her!

Unfortunately it escapes me... Perhaps one of the mods could help. Or if she still comes around maybe she will read your post.

10-24-2006, 03:28 PM	#1
krnswte143 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 268	Having some issues. I can't solve Need help! Ok, I have few issues that i can't seem to solve. I'm obsess with my boyfriend's past w/ his ex girlfriend ( I know they went out decades ago but I dont know how long they were toghether ( im assuming 3 years?) and when they broke up. I'm very curious. My friend said , "Does it really matter because he is with u now not her" U guys think I should let this go? I'm constantly talking about her and him to my bf.. he is tired of my (issues) I feel as if he is looing interest in me or doesn't care ( reason i say this is because, we use to talk a lot before like everyday online at work.. nowadays, we dont talk as much... is it me just feeling "needy" that i think he is loosing interest in me? We don't really go out we just stay home on weekends.. we'll go places here and there. he just seems lazy. Worrying too much about everything ( i dont know if its my personal problem or not.. I worry too much.. I start thinking of things and I start to believe these "thoughts"... How can i overcome these feelings? I worry that he might be cheating,seeing someone else n so forth.... Little things i hear or see from bf's behavior i think twice about it and for a long time i willl think n try to see what he meant or was doing... Im usually depressed all the time, feeling lonely, and I am just not that happy anymore... Do i need to seek professional help? Last edited by krnswte143; 10-24-2006 at 03:30 PM.

10-24-2006, 03:37 PM	#2
NJRon Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: New Jersey Gender: Male Age: 39 Posts: 3,242	Well... I always advocate seeking professional help... as it rarely hurts. Especially to have someone to talk things out about. your self-esteem is getting in the way of just relaxing and enjoying the relationship and, I am sure, is putting a lot of pressure on your boyfriend. the fact that he has an ex... 7 years ago. yes, that's something that I would not be too concerned with at all unles sthey are in regular communication/contact. I can understand why he would be tired of defending himself. That can lead to a lack of interest in the relationship... it becomes emotionally draining. Is he having interactions with his ex? Ar ethere reasons why you are feeling so insecure with yourself and the relationship (aside from this sense of him distancing himself)? Why do you feel that he is cheating? Did you start feeling that before or after you started repeatedly bringing up his ex? __________________ I just don't get it! She seems totally uninterested in me, despite my smothering obsessiveness! - Nathanial Mayweather I'm not the moose! Nor am I a certified advice giver of any kind... so take everything I say as my opinion... throw away what doesn't work and keep what does. - Me

10-24-2006, 03:49 PM	#3
Mun Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Way down South! Gender: Female Age: 41 Posts: 4,194	Hello there, Does he do something specific that makes you feel that he just doesn't care anymore. Has he been cruel or hurtful to you? It seems rather normal to fall into routines and get a bit " lazy" in the relationship once you have established yourselves as a couple. Try setting up "dates" at least once every two weeks so that you are still going out sometimes and not home ALL the time. Try getting him interested in this by promising a nice "surprise" at the end of the date. You can come up with something right ? Talking to him about his exes, and wanting to know all the details will look a bit pathetic ( sorry ) , not to mention "obsessed", and could eventually turn him off to you so watch out for that. Remind yourself instead that those relationships led him to you. He cares for you or he wouldn't be with you now. Just throwing some ideas at you. __________________ Ecclesiastes 3:1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10-24-2006, 03:49 PM	#4
Jayar Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 2,379	Okay wait... Did you have another identity on this forum not long ago? Because honestly dating someone who lives with his ex "and other people" is not a common situation... So I can't help but think you are this same person. If so, then the answer to your questions this time around is the same as they were last time. __________________ Jayar

10-24-2006, 03:52 PM	#5
flower99 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,950	A saying that i believe is very true. Careful of your thoughts because, You're thoughts become your words Your words become your actions your actions become your character You are letting negetive thoughts take over you're life. You can't control what comes into your mind, but you can Control what you choose to think of. When you start wondering about everything, change your thoughts & think of the good things. Count your blessing & Think of what is real, he's with you! Cherish it, don't burdon your realtionship with the past. (there will ALWAYS be an ex, sometimes many) This is your problem, if he had a time machine he could change this, but he doesn't - So accept it.Don't let your thoughts take over you. If you feel he's losing intrest it could be because you're topic of conversation is his ex " I'm constantly talking about her and him to my bf.. he is tired of my (issues)" I wouldn't want to discuss my ex with my bf...and I doubt he does either... You have a future together, that is far more important. Enjoy eachother I wish you luck & happiness __________________ ~Love is not gazing into each other's eyes; it is looking together in the same direction.~ ~ There are a lot of changes in life, how we react to them that matters, it's what makes us who we are. ~

10-24-2006, 03:53 PM	#6
AngelEyez Offline Gold Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 419	I feel the same way sometimes...I try to deal with it one step at a time. You said: "I'm obsess with my boyfriend's past w/ his ex girlfriend" -Sometimes I bring up the fact that my boyfriend made out with a ZILLION girls before he met me. I mention their names sometimes too. If I'm mad, I'll blurt out, "Yeah, well just go back to Melissa and you'll be happier." <- This is very bad... I do it because I'm jealous of what they had together. I wanted to be his first kiss and what not...but it doesn't work out that way. He was my first kiss, so maybe in some aspects I think it's unfair? Anyways, I've mellowed out about this. You can't constantly bring up his past. Knowing your boyfriend went out for a girl for 3 years shows you that he's committed. He's not one of those guys that has the mind-state of sleep with them and leave them. "I feel as if he is losing interest in me or doesn't care" -Have you asked him about this? I'm sure your boyfriend would tell you if he's losing interest in you. Try and spice up the relationship. See what happens? I'm in an LDR and it sometimes seems that way because of the constant On-line chatting [get's boring sometimes]. There's nothing new to talk about...and I can't really do much with him. "Worrying too much about everything" -I'm a constant worrier as well. In an LDR I can't always check up on my boyfriend. Is he with someone else on the side? Who the heck knows... I trust him that he will not cheat on me. If he breaks that trust, then he only gets one chance, and that's his mistake. He would lose me. I cannot prevent his feelings in his pants from wandering. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself right? You have to trust him. Sometimes worrying about your boyfriend will seem like you think he's a "player" or a "low-life". If you're still with him, I'm sure he's not any of those. You can try seeking professional help. I have already done so in the past...and I'm starting again on Thursday! I hope things change for me. Severe depression, high levels of stress...aren't pleasant. I can't get my mind off my boyfriend. My mind goes from one thing to another in a split second. "Is he losing interest?" "Is he cheating on me?" "Does he want us to be over?" I just want something to wash out the worry from my head, unfortunately I have to deal with it myself. Just know you aren't alone. Others [me] feel the same way. We all have our worries, but sometimes more than another. __________________ ()¤·.¸¸.×º¤Ångel¤º´Eyez¤º×.¸¸.·¤()

10-24-2006, 03:56 PM	#7
Mun Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Way down South! Gender: Female Age: 41 Posts: 4,194	You know what I read back to some of your other topics and I'm getting that you don't feel all that valued by him. Is that the case? So, here's a question for you: when you talk to him do you feel he honestly cares about how you feel and tries to accomodate you or does he just kind of tell you you're over reacting and dismiss it ? ...that would make me mad ... __________________ Ecclesiastes 3:1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven --------------------------------------------------------------------------------