Re-evaluating Friendships

flower99 · 10-24-2006, 02:58 PM

Hi there, I would really appreciate any help anyone could offer…

I always try to be a friend to everyone...But lately I'm finding between work & the usual day to day activities (shopping, cleaning) & family (my son & fiancée) I just don't have time for all my 'friends.'
Well that’s not true, I priorities my family & Real friends. (by ‘real’ I mean, people who have always been there, who are positive, honest, considerate & bring out good in me & others around them. People who are good influences on my son & who are genuine) so I priorities them..because I really value them and thier friendship

And lately I have begun doing some re-evaluating of some other friends
I've discovered that some friends (2 for sure) I've been friends with for 6 years...I don't know why we're still friends? And if I should be? Is that wrong??????????

I love them and want good for them......BUT........
I sometimes feel annoyed by them, don’t trust them, sometimes don't respect them or the life they live (dishonesty, manipulating men to get what they want), one unparticular is very self absorbed and I feel was never a friend when I needed one. I was always there for her, but she never was for me, which made me feel used... I find we have nothing more in common...I've changed a lot in the 6 years and the changes I feel have separated us.

Since I've been friends with them for 6 or more years, I don’t know what to do? I feel they bring more bad than good into my life, and I feel like a fraud hanging out with them...because inside I don't feel like we have a friendship left.
What do I do now? Do I keep ignoring the phone calls? Do I tell them I don't really want to be friends any more? That seems cruel, but i don't see myself ever having the balls to say it (even though it's the truth..geeze...am i cruel????)

So I find myself not being a friend to them because of this...I don't call them anymore, but they still call me.…..It’s like they aren’t getting the hint.And I feel terrible ignoring the calls, like I’m really being a horrible person…and I shouldn’t be avoiding them.
But I feel worse hanging out with them, when I feel the way I do. I feel like a fraud.
What do I do? How do I handle this? Has anyone else done this? is re-evaluating friendships & parting with some normal?

Thank you for reading (:

Dako · 10-24-2006, 03:05 PM

Sometimes we outgrow friends, or new ones take their place.
These people will notice you calling less and should eventually realize you're not much fun anymore.
Confronting them is probably the honorable way, but I can't imagine doing it.

laboheme · 10-24-2006, 03:11 PM

YES! It's absolutely normal. I had a friend like that...met her in sixth grade, we were best friends ever after...And then towards the end of high school she began to change in ways that I didn't like...I no longer felt like I had anything in common with her. So, I found myself rejecting invitations to hang out...but after two years she still didn't get the clue. I would never call her, she'd always call me...And I also felt like a horrible person.

My point is...people change. You change, your friend change. What was great for you six years ago may not work for you at all now. Friends drift apart, just like couples break up. It's just a part of life. You can't expect to have the same group of friends for the rest of your life (I think that would be a little creepy, honestly).

I don't think you should have a "breakup" conversation with your friends. If ignoring them completely makes you feel bad, try doing it gradually...And spend lots of quality time with friends that you DO appreciate -- if they are true friends, you'll feel better about yourself just by spending time with them.

Good luck!

v8vachon · 10-24-2006, 03:21 PM

You are sooo normal and soooo in tune with your self growth which is great for you.
I usually do the "im busy tactic" when they'd call, I'd chat for a few and i'd go on to say " my son needs a bath.. let me get to cooking.... i was on my way out.." things like that.. and it usually works.. If they are bad influences on your life.. I'd start being a good one on theirs.. tell them about the wonderful things you are doing .. they will soon realize that you dont connect anymore.
I have many friends who in time just became acquaintances... and "they" usually call me to catch up, i speak for a few.. and i have to go!
When they want to go places.. " oh.. i have plans" eventually they will know that you have disconnected and moved on. All that is ok.. it's actually great, it's part of becoming the butterfly that we all are inside.
Good Luck butterfly!

flower99 · 10-24-2006, 03:31 PM

Wow thank you so much Dako & V8Vachon... I really appreciate your words..I feel so much better (; and normal

And thank you also Laboheme, questions for you: it's been 2 years & she still doesn't get the clue?
do you still answer her calls or return them?
what's your excuse you give her for never making time for her? (or does she even ask?)
That's got to be hard for you...thank you so much for sharing your story
It's been 10 months since I began distancing myself and they don't have a clue. I never call them. But now the one has called twice this week leaving messages wondering when I have a free day.
I dont' know if I should call back? I don't really want too...but I'm afriad of what might happen if I don't. (she's blunt, I might get a nasty message, or even worse - she'll be Really hurt) What's my next step? call & say I'm really busy & i'll get back to you on that???? or don't call at all? any tips?

v8vachon · 10-24-2006, 03:50 PM

My advice is.. don't call at all. If she leaves a nasty message..it may actually mean she is getting the clue! ( it wont hurt.. they are just words)
An ex friend of mine would give me guilt trips and i got so tired of it.. I cut off all ties because it was just not healthy for me. But it didnt hurt anymore.. her nasty comments could not longer het to me after a while.
If you dont want to call back.. don't. You are not obligated to anyone but your son and Fiance'
you said she may leave a nasty message or worst.. what's worst? is she gonna need you to call the police on her?
Some people just need a rude awakenning, so if chatting once in a while is still not what you want and you totally want to cut her off.. u may have to tell her if she's not getting it.
But definitely do not return calls or initiate calls with those whom you are trying to seperate yourself from, that will only make the situation unclear for them.

laboheme · 10-24-2006, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flower99

it's been 2 years & she still doesn't get the clue?
do you still answer her calls or return them?
what's your excuse you give her for never making time for her? (or does she even ask?)

Yeah, she still thinks I'm a really good friend.

I rarely answer her calls -- only when I think that it would be terribly rude to not pick up yet another call from her. Never return them though. I give work as an excuse for everything...and when I was dating my ex, I used him as an excuse too, he was happy to oblige. But now she's moving out of state, so I hope my dilemma will be solved...

Quote:

Originally Posted by flower99

I dont' know if I should call back? I don't really want too...but I'm afriad of what might happen if I don't. (she's blunt, I might get a nasty message, or even worse - she'll be Really hurt) What's my next step? call & say I'm really busy & i'll get back to you on that???? or don't call at all? any tips?

If you can stomach the idea, don't call. Like the above poster said, let her leave the nasty message -- it will be a sign that reality is setting in for her. If you want to be more polite (I understand the feeling), wait a while...then call her back and say that you don't know when you'll have free time...and then never call again. But remember, if you DON'T WANT to call her, you don't have to. Gotta hate "friends" like that...

And hey, you can do what people do post-breakup and do No Contact with these friends of yours...just cut them out for good. Let them wonder all they want...they'll move on eventually, and you'll be much happier spending time with people you care about.

flower99 · 10-24-2006, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by v8vachon

My advice is.. don't call at all. If she leaves a nasty message..it may actually mean she is getting the clue! ( it wont hurt.. they are just words)
An ex friend of mine would give me guilt trips and i got so tired of it.. I cut off all ties because it was just not healthy for me. But it didnt hurt anymore.. her nasty comments could not longer het to me after a while.
If you dont want to call back.. don't. You are not obligated to anyone but your son and Fiance'
you said she may leave a nasty message or worst.. what's worst? is she gonna need you to call the police on her?
Some people just need a rude awakenning, so if chatting once in a while is still not what you want and you totally want to cut her off.. u may have to tell her if she's not getting it.
But definitely do not return calls or initiate calls with those whom you are trying to seperate yourself from, that will only make the situation unclear for them.

that helped a lot (:
especially the no obligation (that I think is my problem, Now I can work on it) & the last line....very true.
thank you so much!

flower99 · 10-24-2006, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by laboheme

Yeah, she still thinks I'm a really good friend.

I rarely answer her calls -- only when I think that it would be terribly rude to not pick up yet another call from her. Never return them though. I give work as an excuse for everything...and when I was dating my ex, I used him as an excuse too, he was happy to oblige. But now she's moving out of state, so I hope my dilemma will be solved...

If you can stomach the idea, don't call. Like the above poster said, let her leave the nasty message -- it will be a sign that reality is setting in for her. If you want to be more polite (I understand the feeling), wait a while...then call her back and say that you don't know when you'll have free time...and then never call again. But remember, if you DON'T WANT to call her, you don't have to. Gotta hate "friends" like that...

And hey, you can do what people do post-breakup and do No Contact with these friends of yours...just cut them out for good. Let them wonder all they want...they'll move on eventually, and you'll be much happier spending time with people you care about.

thank you so much for you're reply....yeah, i'll wait a couple days & see how I feel. Right now i really don't want too...i just feel obligated too (that's not a very good reason...lol)
I hope your dilemma sloves it self now that she's moving out of state

wow it's so good to know others go through this too, you've been a great deal of help
Thank you Everyone!!

10-24-2006, 02:58 PM	#1
flower99 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,950	Re-evaluating Friendships Hi there, I would really appreciate any help anyone could offer… I always try to be a friend to everyone...But lately I'm finding between work & the usual day to day activities (shopping, cleaning) & family (my son & fiancée) I just don't have time for all my 'friends.' Well that’s not true, I priorities my family & Real friends. (by ‘real’ I mean, people who have always been there, who are positive, honest, considerate & bring out good in me & others around them. People who are good influences on my son & who are genuine) so I priorities them..because I really value them and thier friendship And lately I have begun doing some re-evaluating of some other friends I've discovered that some friends (2 for sure) I've been friends with for 6 years...I don't know why we're still friends? And if I should be? Is that wrong?????????? I love them and want good for them......BUT........ I sometimes feel annoyed by them, don’t trust them, sometimes don't respect them or the life they live (dishonesty, manipulating men to get what they want), one unparticular is very self absorbed and I feel was never a friend when I needed one. I was always there for her, but she never was for me, which made me feel used... I find we have nothing more in common...I've changed a lot in the 6 years and the changes I feel have separated us. Since I've been friends with them for 6 or more years, I don’t know what to do? I feel they bring more bad than good into my life, and I feel like a fraud hanging out with them...because inside I don't feel like we have a friendship left. What do I do now? Do I keep ignoring the phone calls? Do I tell them I don't really want to be friends any more? That seems cruel, but i don't see myself ever having the balls to say it (even though it's the truth..geeze...am i cruel????) So I find myself not being a friend to them because of this...I don't call them anymore, but they still call me.…..It’s like they aren’t getting the hint.And I feel terrible ignoring the calls, like I’m really being a horrible person…and I shouldn’t be avoiding them. But I feel worse hanging out with them, when I feel the way I do. I feel like a fraud. What do I do? How do I handle this? Has anyone else done this? is re-evaluating friendships & parting with some normal? Thank you for reading (: __________________ ~Love is not gazing into each other's eyes; it is looking together in the same direction.~ ~ There are a lot of changes in life, how we react to them that matters, it's what makes us who we are. ~ Last edited by flower99; 10-24-2006 at 03:11 PM.

10-24-2006, 03:21 PM	#4
v8vachon Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Sunshine State Gender: Female Age: 34 Posts: 136	You are sooo normal and soooo in tune with your self growth which is great for you. I usually do the "im busy tactic" when they'd call, I'd chat for a few and i'd go on to say " my son needs a bath.. let me get to cooking.... i was on my way out.." things like that.. and it usually works.. If they are bad influences on your life.. I'd start being a good one on theirs.. tell them about the wonderful things you are doing .. they will soon realize that you dont connect anymore. I have many friends who in time just became acquaintances... and "they" usually call me to catch up, i speak for a few.. and i have to go! When they want to go places.. " oh.. i have plans" eventually they will know that you have disconnected and moved on. All that is ok.. it's actually great, it's part of becoming the butterfly that we all are inside. Good Luck butterfly! __________________ She was born in 2004, yet i don't remember life before her!

10-24-2006, 03:31 PM	#5
flower99 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,950	Wow thank you so much Dako & V8Vachon... I really appreciate your words..I feel so much better (; and normal And thank you also Laboheme, questions for you: it's been 2 years & she still doesn't get the clue? do you still answer her calls or return them? what's your excuse you give her for never making time for her? (or does she even ask?) That's got to be hard for you...thank you so much for sharing your story It's been 10 months since I began distancing myself and they don't have a clue. I never call them. But now the one has called twice this week leaving messages wondering when I have a free day. I dont' know if I should call back? I don't really want too...but I'm afriad of what might happen if I don't. (she's blunt, I might get a nasty message, or even worse - she'll be Really hurt) What's my next step? call & say I'm really busy & i'll get back to you on that???? or don't call at all? any tips? __________________ ~Love is not gazing into each other's eyes; it is looking together in the same direction.~ ~ There are a lot of changes in life, how we react to them that matters, it's what makes us who we are. ~ Last edited by flower99; 10-24-2006 at 03:56 PM.

10-24-2006, 03:50 PM	#6
v8vachon Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Sunshine State Gender: Female Age: 34 Posts: 136	My advice is.. don't call at all. If she leaves a nasty message..it may actually mean she is getting the clue! ( it wont hurt.. they are just words) An ex friend of mine would give me guilt trips and i got so tired of it.. I cut off all ties because it was just not healthy for me. But it didnt hurt anymore.. her nasty comments could not longer het to me after a while. If you dont want to call back.. don't. You are not obligated to anyone but your son and Fiance' you said she may leave a nasty message or worst.. what's worst? is she gonna need you to call the police on her? Some people just need a rude awakenning, so if chatting once in a while is still not what you want and you totally want to cut her off.. u may have to tell her if she's not getting it. But definitely do not return calls or initiate calls with those whom you are trying to seperate yourself from, that will only make the situation unclear for them. __________________ She was born in 2004, yet i don't remember life before her!

10-24-2006, 03:05 PM	#2
Dako Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 9,115	Sometimes we outgrow friends, or new ones take their place. These people will notice you calling less and should eventually realize you're not much fun anymore. Confronting them is probably the honorable way, but I can't imagine doing it.

10-24-2006, 03:11 PM	#3
laboheme Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 837	YES! It's absolutely normal. I had a friend like that...met her in sixth grade, we were best friends ever after...And then towards the end of high school she began to change in ways that I didn't like...I no longer felt like I had anything in common with her. So, I found myself rejecting invitations to hang out...but after two years she still didn't get the clue. I would never call her, she'd always call me...And I also felt like a horrible person. My point is...people change. You change, your friend change. What was great for you six years ago may not work for you at all now. Friends drift apart, just like couples break up. It's just a part of life. You can't expect to have the same group of friends for the rest of your life (I think that would be a little creepy, honestly). I don't think you should have a "breakup" conversation with your friends. If ignoring them completely makes you feel bad, try doing it gradually...And spend lots of quality time with friends that you DO appreciate -- if they are true friends, you'll feel better about yourself just by spending time with them. Good luck!