Cyber & Phone Sex

hugmeup · 10-20-2006, 06:54 AM

About 2 weeks ago this guy started flirting with me on a game site I play at. I didnt think this was going to go far and since I knew he was 29, I told him I was 35 (but I'm 56). I'm not sure what happened but after 12 yrs of absolutely no need or feeling for sex (because of a medication side effect I thought), this guy made me feel things I didn't think I could feel anymore. We exchanged pictures (I sent him a younger one of myself) and, after 2 nights of playing games, talking (about 4hrs each night) and him being really sweet and somewhat sexually explicit he asked me for my phone number. I gave him my cell number because I didn't think it could be traced. Well I guess I don't have to tell you what happened but it was unbelievable!! Since then he looks for me at the game site and called me again last night. The problems are many as far as my emotional and psycological health is concerned. I have a strong tendency to be compulsive and if he didn't look for me I would feel bad, sad, panicky, anxious and would check to see if he was playing or not. Since we are on each others friends list I could tell by his token balance that he was playing and normally I would be able to see where he was. Since I couldn't see where he was, I knew that he was blocking me. So I thought "ok this is good because it should end". But then (I guess when he was done playing) he would look for me and I responded. I'll tell you I cried my heart out because I had spent the last 2 and a half yrs. alone, comfortable and content. I wanted to be the way I had been with no need or urge for sex. But at the same time I liked the feeling.
I'll give you a short backround of my life. My mother was an alcoholic and was verbally and emotionally abusive. I was sexually abused at about 12 and became very permiscuous and I confused sex with love. I married when I was 19 but he was a transvestite (I found out about 5 months after I married) I couldn't deal with it so I divorced after 4 yrs. I married the second time and he turned out to be a mean alcoholic. After 2 children and a breakdown I divorced again. Then I married the 3rd time and he was nice except he had affairs that I found out about 17yrs into the marriage. He left me when I was asleep one night. I guess I don't blame him for the affairs because I was depressed alot and had the sexual disfunction. Anyway, after really never being alone most of my life I thought I had found peace and contentment until I met this guy. Now I can't even go to the gamesite without feeling anxiety. A part of me wants to change my cell number and block him from being able to see where I am playing but a very strong part of me wants more attention from him. I feel so trashy and I feel as though I have lost my self respect because of the phone sex. I've been in and out of therapy for about 13yrs. but its been a long time since I've had to seek help (I don't have insurance so I couldn't afford it anyway). I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't want to go out to social things because I am afraid. I didn't think I needed to be loved anymore. I thought that part of my life was over. I can't sleep, eat, and I feel so bad. I'm not sure if he will try to communicate with me again (its only been one day since we last talked). I have mixed feelings and I don't think I have the strength to let go of this situation. Please help

WildChild · 10-20-2006, 10:18 AM

I'm not sure where to start, so I will start with the basics of human nature. It's not a sin to feel desired by anyone and this man has made you feel things you thought were long lost. Obviously it goes without saying that you are playing with fire when you lied about your age, and that is where you will have a lot of explaining to do if and when he finds out. People do things impulsively and I would gather that you shooting out another age was on impulse never imagining you would be in the position you are now. It actually is pretty unfortunate because at this point you have now sent him photos of you that are years younger and have fueled this fire beyond a smolder. Although impulsively, I don't understand why you felt the need to lie about your age...for the fear of rejection more than likely however you did not give him the opportunity to honestly make that decision for himself as to whether he would pursue someone much older than he, and may be angry that you did lie to him all the way around. At this point, you have options and none to which will be the ending you are hoping. First, you can continue this charade and hope that he will never want to meet. Second, you can be completely honest with him and take your medicine on how he chooses to respond to your lying, or third, you can end this now and discontinue talking with him.

In terms of therapy, I understand you cannot afford this without medical insurance. However, there are support groups that you can join. You can go to the library and gather books on how to manage your anxiety, fear of rejection, and fear of social situations.

I hope this ends with as little damage to either of you. Good Luck!

Honey Pumpkin · 10-20-2006, 10:21 AM

Hi there,

Sorry to hear how sad you are at the moment. Okay, let's have a think about this.

You're flirting/having cyber sex with some bloke who thinks you are someone else? Okay, that's not bad - you're both getting something out of it. But I think you need to maybe pull back, because he might want to meet or intensify the relationship, and you cannot do that, because you've created a different persona. If you're clear that this is just about the moment with an anonymous stranger - that's fine, because you're getting your needs met, he's getting his needs met, and you have no expectations.

However, I think you are becoming obsessed with him, and that's not good for you. I would break it off with him, maybe not coming clean exactly, but saying you're moving away, won't be online etc. I think you should do that for your own sake, because you're yearning for something that can't work out. But don't feel trashy about it, it's a safe outlet for a human desire - what's to be ashamed about????

However, the fact that you have felt desired and desire - that's really good! It shows that you're alive and are wanting to take risks. Your life has been tough, but I have a very few thoughts:

Have you received counselling/therapy for the difficult life you've had emotionally?
Have you joined social groups where you are? Voluntary work, part time work, evening classes? Because computer games are fun, but ultimately they are more isolating than anything else.
Keep talking here - there are always people online, and you will feel less alone.

Take good care of yourself

Beec · 10-20-2006, 10:34 AM

I think you found out that yes being wanted is still important to you. In this case, I am not sure you picked the right person to be wanted by, but I could be wrong.

We all want to be wanted and appreciated. I think there are plenty of men out there, plenty in there 20s and 30s too, that might want you sexually. A quick internet search would reveal plenty of sights catering to men with such desires. But, in a decent relationship, we are not wanted only for sexual reasons and purposes. Some women in your age group even have affairs with men in his age group, just for sex, and I am sure if you wanted to it would not take long to find such a man.

Since you have not felt this in a long time and shut yourself off from it, when it came out, wow did it probably really come out.

What you do now with this guy or these feelings, I don't know. I do know that if you desparately chase after this or any guy that it will backfire on you. CHasing a person is chasing them away.

hugmeup · 10-20-2006, 11:55 PM

Thank you for your responses and advice. Yes I lied about my age (impulsively) thinking that this wasn't going to lead to anything and yes I am becoming obsessed with him. I find myself coming home to see if he has emailed me or if he is on the gamesite.

There are somethings about him that I probably couldn't live with. For instance he is a country boy (which is ok) but he says he is a redneck and a rebel. I searched the term redneck to get an understanding as to its meaning. He says he hates black people and used an unsavory word to describe them. He says he isn't prejudice as we discussed my origin which is hispanic. He says nothing bothers him and he doesn't give a f--k about much. Yet he can be so damned sweet. I am so confused!!!!!!!

The last time we talked was Wednesday late well into the wee hours of Thursday morning. He told me that he was going to be gone from Thursday night until Sunday or Monday (He is a truck driver) but I know he was playing for several hours last night Thusday because of his token balance. But he was blocking me because I couldn't see where he was (which is ok because he needs his space) and if I could see where he was, I wouldn't look for him unless he sent me a message on the site first. Normally he will block me and play and then later in the night he will send me a message and I can see where he is. Then we get together.

I find myself listening to country music when I am in the car and I cry sometimes. I am so beside myself because I think about him so much and miss him. When we talked he said he couldn't stop thinking about me, fantasizing about me and that he was crazy about me.

Today I went out and bought facial items and dye for my hair because I know that I have to start caring about myself. I've pretty much let myself go in the last 2+ yrs.

A part of me hopes he doesn't contact me anymore and I keep saying to myself that it would be for the best and a big part of me wants this to continue.

I have a very low self esteem and am overweight. I was the girl, woman with a pretty face and a great personality. Its ironic because in the picture I sent him I was thin and he said I needed to gain some weight because he likes chunky women. I look in the mirror and I see and old tired woman. Then I look closer and see the pretty eyes and baby face. All of my husbands were younger than me. The last one was 11yrs younger.

I think I feel trashy, cheap (because of the online sex) because of my upbringing and because of the years of permiscuity and I wonder if he doesn't have a low opinion of me because of our sexual encounters. He was really explicit about how he wanted to f--k me and he described so many things he wanted to do to me (it makes me feel ashamed even writing this). He even said that if I was with someone else sexually I should think about him. I am uneasy about this.

Ok about what I am going to do. Well I've thought about it and I want to tell him the truth (about my age) and deal with whatever happens even though I know I'm going to feel like crap for a while. Please keep the replies coming as it helps to read them. I am so glad I found this site.

WildChild · 10-21-2006, 10:42 AM

Wow. I think you have made so many right decisions right now for yourself. First being, telling him the truth. Second, he is prejudice and this is going against your morals. That certainly is not something that can provide a promising future for you. Please don't put yourself in a position of compromising your morals. Third, and most important, you are seeing for the first time in a long time how beautiful you are inside and out. Maybe this has been a learning experience for you in the aspect that you started feeling better about yourself, feeling desirable, realizing what you will or will not tolerate in your life and/or a relationship, and finding yourself again.

In terms of doing things with him you never have, that is not uncommon for people to sometimes step out of their norm and having never imagined it in a million years. Maybe this (cypering) won't be something that you will ever do again, or maybe it is. I've experience things with my current bf that I never thought imaginable. Who knows.

Regardless, congrats on making the decision of telling him the truth. That is a huge step. Be prepared though. You got yourself into this mess, and only you can get yourself out. Keep in mind too that overall, he may give you the desires, but he doesn't sound like a guy you would "bring home to mom and pop."

Honey Pumpkin · 10-21-2006, 02:42 PM

Hi there,

I know it feels like this chap is the only one for you, that he has woken something in you. That's good. But there are zillions of people in cyber space, and zillions of people in real life. I think that he's done you a huge favour, ironically, he's made you look at your life, and look at what you want to change and improve, and think about the past and the future. He's also made you feel desired and desire, and that is a HUGE boost.

Good for you for telling him the truth - be prepared for any reaction. It might not make a difference, it might mean that he blocks you completely. But see this as a wakeup call for how you want to live your life, to address the issues that have emerged and son on.

I know this connection is really important, and I KNOW what it's like to be obsessed by someone too - I think everyone does. It feels like he's the only man in the world, doesn't it? But you know logically that that's not the case. Be grateful for meeting him, and be graceful in what happens next. It's shown you that you're a woman with needs and a lot to give, and you can take control of your life.
Good luck and keep talking to us!

hugmeup · 10-21-2006, 06:56 PM

Thank you again for your responses and advice. It's Saturday and I just got up. Today I feel depressed, alone, sad and a little panicky (I've suffered from an anxiety/panic disorder since 1976). I guess this is normal and hopefully these feelings will go away soon.

I find myself looking in the mirror and saying "You look so old and tired" Then I cry.

You see none of my husbands ever loved me for who I am inside. I got married the first time because I was pregnant and my husband really wanted a tall, slender (model type) slinky long haired woman and he told me so many times. That marriage lasted 4yrs.

The second man I married asked me out on a dare. You see I was a secretary and several of the men asked me out but I declined (either I wasn't attracted or I knew they were married). After we had been seeing each other he told me he liked my personality. However, he turned out to be a mean, unaffectionate alcoholic who was always put me down. He was here illegally and I fixed his papers and encouraged him to get a better job (which he did and came up on the financial end). That marriage lasted 12yrs.

My third husband was 11yrs younger than me and told me after a few dates that I wasn't his type. I slapped him and went on my way. Shortly after that he began persuing me again. When I met him he sold cocaine (he quit selling this after we were together for a few months), didn't have a car or a job and again was here illegally. He was good to me but my mother said "Sure he's good to you he doesn't have to work". Anyway (after 7yrs), I got into the property management business so he would have to learn maintenance. Before this change I took in medically fragile children. My ex now had a career and papers to live in the USA legally. He started running around and left me after 17yrs.

Ok, I know I can't live in the past but I am so upset and disappointed with myself for settling just to feel loved and wanted and because I have such a low self esteem.

I've isolated myself for 2+yrs and I also have a daughter that I took in at 6 months of age and now she is 25. She is profoundly developmentally disabled and I take care of everything from brushing her teeth, changing her diaper and so on and so forth.

I lost my home (I was buying when I met my 3rd husband and made some bad investment decisions). I lost my job (free apartment, utilities and cable when he left me (we had been hired as a team and the owner needed two people on the property). With a broken heart, tears I found another job but was not ready emotionally so I lost that one too. Anyway now I dedicate myself to my daughter. Can you see that I've spent all of my life taking care of others and not myself.

I don't know what is going to happen to me. I thought that I could live this way (alone) until it was time to leave this earth and now THIS situation with the guy on the internet game site. I don't want to settle again but I feel so needy since I met him and yes I am very obsessed with him.

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and how I wish I could feel normal but I don't know how.

The way I see it I am afraid of rejection and afraid of being hurt because I've been hurt so much.

I know you aren't professionals but your comments and advice really help. Please keep it coming my way.

Honey Pumpkin · 10-21-2006, 09:03 PM

Hi there,

We're not professionals, well I'm definitely not. But you know the thing that leaps out from your post? It's NOT about this guy. He's a catalyst for the things that you want in your life - to love and be loved in a caring (and hot!) relationship, by someone who won't use you.

And you can have this - but not through a cyber fling where you're pretending to be someone else. I'm not saying it's at all wrong, you know that from my previous posts. But it's not the answer as it is.

You sound like a very very caring and giving person - lots of people would love to have someone like you in their life. You *have* to start taking steps to look at how you are and what you want to change in your life. What leaps out to me is that you're quite (understandably) isolated. How about working on creating a social circle, where the pressure is not on finding Mr Right, but on finding good and supportive friends? It's not easy, I know that. But how about support groups for people in your position, ie carers? Starting to connect to people, their friends?

Then when you're ready, you may want to try dating - where you meet real people, and they meet the real you.

Also, sweetheart, I think you badly need to work on your self-esteem. I know people are dismissive of self help books/guides etc, but how about giving them a bash, and working through some of them? They do help, as does a bit of life coaching. It may not be the answer per se, but it might give you a kick-start to change the things in your life you don't like.

This online chap - he represents much more than he is. He represents what you want: to be adored and wanted. And you can have that, but you have to reach out for it by taking steps in your life.

Is there any chance of some counselling? I think that would also help.

You're not alone - millions of people are lonely and scared; the difference is that some of them will reach out and try to change it. Be one of those people.

Good luck, keep talking/

hugmeup · 10-21-2006, 10:03 PM

Thank you so very much Honey Pumpkin. I'm not sure where to start but I will try to work on the advice you are giving me.

10-20-2006, 06:54 AM	#1
hugmeup Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 129	Cyber & Phone Sex About 2 weeks ago this guy started flirting with me on a game site I play at. I didnt think this was going to go far and since I knew he was 29, I told him I was 35 (but I'm 56). I'm not sure what happened but after 12 yrs of absolutely no need or feeling for sex (because of a medication side effect I thought), this guy made me feel things I didn't think I could feel anymore. We exchanged pictures (I sent him a younger one of myself) and, after 2 nights of playing games, talking (about 4hrs each night) and him being really sweet and somewhat sexually explicit he asked me for my phone number. I gave him my cell number because I didn't think it could be traced. Well I guess I don't have to tell you what happened but it was unbelievable!! Since then he looks for me at the game site and called me again last night. The problems are many as far as my emotional and psycological health is concerned. I have a strong tendency to be compulsive and if he didn't look for me I would feel bad, sad, panicky, anxious and would check to see if he was playing or not. Since we are on each others friends list I could tell by his token balance that he was playing and normally I would be able to see where he was. Since I couldn't see where he was, I knew that he was blocking me. So I thought "ok this is good because it should end". But then (I guess when he was done playing) he would look for me and I responded. I'll tell you I cried my heart out because I had spent the last 2 and a half yrs. alone, comfortable and content. I wanted to be the way I had been with no need or urge for sex. But at the same time I liked the feeling. I'll give you a short backround of my life. My mother was an alcoholic and was verbally and emotionally abusive. I was sexually abused at about 12 and became very permiscuous and I confused sex with love. I married when I was 19 but he was a transvestite (I found out about 5 months after I married) I couldn't deal with it so I divorced after 4 yrs. I married the second time and he turned out to be a mean alcoholic. After 2 children and a breakdown I divorced again. Then I married the 3rd time and he was nice except he had affairs that I found out about 17yrs into the marriage. He left me when I was asleep one night. I guess I don't blame him for the affairs because I was depressed alot and had the sexual disfunction. Anyway, after really never being alone most of my life I thought I had found peace and contentment until I met this guy. Now I can't even go to the gamesite without feeling anxiety. A part of me wants to change my cell number and block him from being able to see where I am playing but a very strong part of me wants more attention from him. I feel so trashy and I feel as though I have lost my self respect because of the phone sex. I've been in and out of therapy for about 13yrs. but its been a long time since I've had to seek help (I don't have insurance so I couldn't afford it anyway). I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't want to go out to social things because I am afraid. I didn't think I needed to be loved anymore. I thought that part of my life was over. I can't sleep, eat, and I feel so bad. I'm not sure if he will try to communicate with me again (its only been one day since we last talked). I have mixed feelings and I don't think I have the strength to let go of this situation. Please help

10-20-2006, 10:18 AM	#2
WildChild Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Minnesota Gender: Female Age: 38 Posts: 1,027	I'm not sure where to start, so I will start with the basics of human nature. It's not a sin to feel desired by anyone and this man has made you feel things you thought were long lost. Obviously it goes without saying that you are playing with fire when you lied about your age, and that is where you will have a lot of explaining to do if and when he finds out. People do things impulsively and I would gather that you shooting out another age was on impulse never imagining you would be in the position you are now. It actually is pretty unfortunate because at this point you have now sent him photos of you that are years younger and have fueled this fire beyond a smolder. Although impulsively, I don't understand why you felt the need to lie about your age...for the fear of rejection more than likely however you did not give him the opportunity to honestly make that decision for himself as to whether he would pursue someone much older than he, and may be angry that you did lie to him all the way around. At this point, you have options and none to which will be the ending you are hoping. First, you can continue this charade and hope that he will never want to meet. Second, you can be completely honest with him and take your medicine on how he chooses to respond to your lying, or third, you can end this now and discontinue talking with him. In terms of therapy, I understand you cannot afford this without medical insurance. However, there are support groups that you can join. You can go to the library and gather books on how to manage your anxiety, fear of rejection, and fear of social situations. I hope this ends with as little damage to either of you. Good Luck! __________________ ~Success is to be measured not so much by the position one has reached in life as by obstacles that one has overcome while trying to succeed~ Booker T. Washington ~You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life.~(Indian Philosopher (1895-1986)) - J.Krishnamurti ~You were once wild here. Don't let them tame you.~ Isadora Duncan

10-20-2006, 10:21 AM	#3
Honey Pumpkin Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 2,396	Hi there, Sorry to hear how sad you are at the moment. Okay, let's have a think about this. You're flirting/having cyber sex with some bloke who thinks you are someone else? Okay, that's not bad - you're both getting something out of it. But I think you need to maybe pull back, because he might want to meet or intensify the relationship, and you cannot do that, because you've created a different persona. If you're clear that this is just about the moment with an anonymous stranger - that's fine, because you're getting your needs met, he's getting his needs met, and you have no expectations. However, I think you are becoming obsessed with him, and that's not good for you. I would break it off with him, maybe not coming clean exactly, but saying you're moving away, won't be online etc. I think you should do that for your own sake, because you're yearning for something that can't work out. But don't feel trashy about it, it's a safe outlet for a human desire - what's to be ashamed about???? However, the fact that you have felt desired and desire - that's really good! It shows that you're alive and are wanting to take risks. Your life has been tough, but I have a very few thoughts: Have you received counselling/therapy for the difficult life you've had emotionally? Have you joined social groups where you are? Voluntary work, part time work, evening classes? Because computer games are fun, but ultimately they are more isolating than anything else. Keep talking here - there are always people online, and you will feel less alone. Take good care of yourself __________________ “Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand - and melting like a snowflake…” (Francis Bacon, 1561 – 1626)

10-20-2006, 10:34 AM	#4
Beec Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: New York Posts: 7,556	I think you found out that yes being wanted is still important to you. In this case, I am not sure you picked the right person to be wanted by, but I could be wrong. We all want to be wanted and appreciated. I think there are plenty of men out there, plenty in there 20s and 30s too, that might want you sexually. A quick internet search would reveal plenty of sights catering to men with such desires. But, in a decent relationship, we are not wanted only for sexual reasons and purposes. Some women in your age group even have affairs with men in his age group, just for sex, and I am sure if you wanted to it would not take long to find such a man. Since you have not felt this in a long time and shut yourself off from it, when it came out, wow did it probably really come out. What you do now with this guy or these feelings, I don't know. I do know that if you desparately chase after this or any guy that it will backfire on you. CHasing a person is chasing them away. __________________ "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." C.S. Lewis--Answers to Questions on Christianity

10-20-2006, 11:55 PM	#5
hugmeup Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 129	Thank you for your responses and advice. Yes I lied about my age (impulsively) thinking that this wasn't going to lead to anything and yes I am becoming obsessed with him. I find myself coming home to see if he has emailed me or if he is on the gamesite. There are somethings about him that I probably couldn't live with. For instance he is a country boy (which is ok) but he says he is a redneck and a rebel. I searched the term redneck to get an understanding as to its meaning. He says he hates black people and used an unsavory word to describe them. He says he isn't prejudice as we discussed my origin which is hispanic. He says nothing bothers him and he doesn't give a f--k about much. Yet he can be so damned sweet. I am so confused!!!!!!! The last time we talked was Wednesday late well into the wee hours of Thursday morning. He told me that he was going to be gone from Thursday night until Sunday or Monday (He is a truck driver) but I know he was playing for several hours last night Thusday because of his token balance. But he was blocking me because I couldn't see where he was (which is ok because he needs his space) and if I could see where he was, I wouldn't look for him unless he sent me a message on the site first. Normally he will block me and play and then later in the night he will send me a message and I can see where he is. Then we get together. I find myself listening to country music when I am in the car and I cry sometimes. I am so beside myself because I think about him so much and miss him. When we talked he said he couldn't stop thinking about me, fantasizing about me and that he was crazy about me. Today I went out and bought facial items and dye for my hair because I know that I have to start caring about myself. I've pretty much let myself go in the last 2+ yrs. A part of me hopes he doesn't contact me anymore and I keep saying to myself that it would be for the best and a big part of me wants this to continue. I have a very low self esteem and am overweight. I was the girl, woman with a pretty face and a great personality. Its ironic because in the picture I sent him I was thin and he said I needed to gain some weight because he likes chunky women. I look in the mirror and I see and old tired woman. Then I look closer and see the pretty eyes and baby face. All of my husbands were younger than me. The last one was 11yrs younger. I think I feel trashy, cheap (because of the online sex) because of my upbringing and because of the years of permiscuity and I wonder if he doesn't have a low opinion of me because of our sexual encounters. He was really explicit about how he wanted to f--k me and he described so many things he wanted to do to me (it makes me feel ashamed even writing this). He even said that if I was with someone else sexually I should think about him. I am uneasy about this. Ok about what I am going to do. Well I've thought about it and I want to tell him the truth (about my age) and deal with whatever happens even though I know I'm going to feel like crap for a while. Please keep the replies coming as it helps to read them. I am so glad I found this site. Last edited by hugmeup; 10-20-2006 at 11:59 PM.

10-21-2006, 10:42 AM	#6
WildChild Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Minnesota Gender: Female Age: 38 Posts: 1,027	Wow. I think you have made so many right decisions right now for yourself. First being, telling him the truth. Second, he is prejudice and this is going against your morals. That certainly is not something that can provide a promising future for you. Please don't put yourself in a position of compromising your morals. Third, and most important, you are seeing for the first time in a long time how beautiful you are inside and out. Maybe this has been a learning experience for you in the aspect that you started feeling better about yourself, feeling desirable, realizing what you will or will not tolerate in your life and/or a relationship, and finding yourself again. In terms of doing things with him you never have, that is not uncommon for people to sometimes step out of their norm and having never imagined it in a million years. Maybe this (cypering) won't be something that you will ever do again, or maybe it is. I've experience things with my current bf that I never thought imaginable. Who knows. Regardless, congrats on making the decision of telling him the truth. That is a huge step. Be prepared though. You got yourself into this mess, and only you can get yourself out. Keep in mind too that overall, he may give you the desires, but he doesn't sound like a guy you would "bring home to mom and pop." __________________ ~Success is to be measured not so much by the position one has reached in life as by obstacles that one has overcome while trying to succeed~ Booker T. Washington ~You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life.~(Indian Philosopher (1895-1986)) - J.Krishnamurti ~You were once wild here. Don't let them tame you.~ Isadora Duncan

10-21-2006, 02:42 PM	#7
Honey Pumpkin Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 2,396	Hi there, I know it feels like this chap is the only one for you, that he has woken something in you. That's good. But there are zillions of people in cyber space, and zillions of people in real life. I think that he's done you a huge favour, ironically, he's made you look at your life, and look at what you want to change and improve, and think about the past and the future. He's also made you feel desired and desire, and that is a HUGE boost. Good for you for telling him the truth - be prepared for any reaction. It might not make a difference, it might mean that he blocks you completely. But see this as a wakeup call for how you want to live your life, to address the issues that have emerged and son on. I know this connection is really important, and I KNOW what it's like to be obsessed by someone too - I think everyone does. It feels like he's the only man in the world, doesn't it? But you know logically that that's not the case. Be grateful for meeting him, and be graceful in what happens next. It's shown you that you're a woman with needs and a lot to give, and you can take control of your life. Good luck and keep talking to us! __________________ “Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand - and melting like a snowflake…” (Francis Bacon, 1561 – 1626)

10-21-2006, 06:56 PM	#8
hugmeup Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 129	Thank you again for your responses and advice. It's Saturday and I just got up. Today I feel depressed, alone, sad and a little panicky (I've suffered from an anxiety/panic disorder since 1976). I guess this is normal and hopefully these feelings will go away soon. I find myself looking in the mirror and saying "You look so old and tired" Then I cry. You see none of my husbands ever loved me for who I am inside. I got married the first time because I was pregnant and my husband really wanted a tall, slender (model type) slinky long haired woman and he told me so many times. That marriage lasted 4yrs. The second man I married asked me out on a dare. You see I was a secretary and several of the men asked me out but I declined (either I wasn't attracted or I knew they were married). After we had been seeing each other he told me he liked my personality. However, he turned out to be a mean, unaffectionate alcoholic who was always put me down. He was here illegally and I fixed his papers and encouraged him to get a better job (which he did and came up on the financial end). That marriage lasted 12yrs. My third husband was 11yrs younger than me and told me after a few dates that I wasn't his type. I slapped him and went on my way. Shortly after that he began persuing me again. When I met him he sold cocaine (he quit selling this after we were together for a few months), didn't have a car or a job and again was here illegally. He was good to me but my mother said "Sure he's good to you he doesn't have to work". Anyway (after 7yrs), I got into the property management business so he would have to learn maintenance. Before this change I took in medically fragile children. My ex now had a career and papers to live in the USA legally. He started running around and left me after 17yrs. Ok, I know I can't live in the past but I am so upset and disappointed with myself for settling just to feel loved and wanted and because I have such a low self esteem. I've isolated myself for 2+yrs and I also have a daughter that I took in at 6 months of age and now she is 25. She is profoundly developmentally disabled and I take care of everything from brushing her teeth, changing her diaper and so on and so forth. I lost my home (I was buying when I met my 3rd husband and made some bad investment decisions). I lost my job (free apartment, utilities and cable when he left me (we had been hired as a team and the owner needed two people on the property). With a broken heart, tears I found another job but was not ready emotionally so I lost that one too. Anyway now I dedicate myself to my daughter. Can you see that I've spent all of my life taking care of others and not myself. I don't know what is going to happen to me. I thought that I could live this way (alone) until it was time to leave this earth and now THIS situation with the guy on the internet game site. I don't want to settle again but I feel so needy since I met him and yes I am very obsessed with him. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself and how I wish I could feel normal but I don't know how. The way I see it I am afraid of rejection and afraid of being hurt because I've been hurt so much. I know you aren't professionals but your comments and advice really help. Please keep it coming my way. Last edited by hugmeup; 10-21-2006 at 08:13 PM.

10-21-2006, 09:03 PM	#9
Honey Pumpkin Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 2,396	Hi there, We're not professionals, well I'm definitely not. But you know the thing that leaps out from your post? It's NOT about this guy. He's a catalyst for the things that you want in your life - to love and be loved in a caring (and hot!) relationship, by someone who won't use you. And you can have this - but not through a cyber fling where you're pretending to be someone else. I'm not saying it's at all wrong, you know that from my previous posts. But it's not the answer as it is. You sound like a very very caring and giving person - lots of people would love to have someone like you in their life. You have to start taking steps to look at how you are and what you want to change in your life. What leaps out to me is that you're quite (understandably) isolated. How about working on creating a social circle, where the pressure is not on finding Mr Right, but on finding good and supportive friends? It's not easy, I know that. But how about support groups for people in your position, ie carers? Starting to connect to people, their friends? Then when you're ready, you may want to try dating - where you meet real people, and they meet the real you. Also, sweetheart, I think you badly need to work on your self-esteem. I know people are dismissive of self help books/guides etc, but how about giving them a bash, and working through some of them? They do help, as does a bit of life coaching. It may not be the answer per se, but it might give you a kick-start to change the things in your life you don't like. This online chap - he represents much more than he is. He represents what you want: to be adored and wanted. And you can have that, but you have to reach out for it by taking steps in your life. Is there any chance of some counselling? I think that would also help. You're not alone - millions of people are lonely and scared; the difference is that some of them will reach out and try to change it. Be one of those people. Good luck, keep talking/ __________________ “Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand - and melting like a snowflake…” (Francis Bacon, 1561 – 1626)

10-21-2006, 10:03 PM	#10
hugmeup Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 129	Thank you so very much Honey Pumpkin. I'm not sure where to start but I will try to work on the advice you are giving me.