Who Should Pay/ How Much

hope123 · 10-19-2006, 05:54 PM

Hi

I have a question..i have been with my b/f for over a year...and usually in the beginning i think a guy pays for a lot...the dates that include movies and restaurants etc etc...a few months back my b/f said we needed to cut back a little on going out every single time we saw each other--which was like 2-3 times a week...i understood and said it was fine...whenever i was really hungry after school and work and it was like 8:30 or 9 pm--and if i got something myself to go--he would pay for it...one time like a month ago he mentioned i shouldn't have to pay if its only you getting something..even though he has done it soo many times..even if i offered you know, he paid...the past few times he has done this now...a couple of nights ago i said i was really hungry and when we reached the diner(he wasn't hungry) he said do you want me to come in with you or wait here...obviously hinting he was not paying for it...i kind of looked at him and felt weird suddenly and was just like--you know what-- lets just go to the grocery market and i will get something there..i pick out soup and bread..and when i go to take out my wallet he says i can pay for your soup..and i just flat out said--you weren't going to pay for a wrap at the diner..so i can pay for my own soup...
would this bother anyone else..how all of a sudden his actions have changed?I know if we both go out to the movies or to dinner--he will pay..but obviously it wont be that often since he said it had be cut back on.
I don't want to sound spoiled or anything..but would anyone else feel a little weird if their b/f all of a sudden started doing that? It makes me feel like--ok now that he has me--he doesnt have to do those things anymore. And i dont wanna start a fight over this and say--PAY..i would rather just eat the soup at this point. I also have a partime job whereas he has a full time job.

**melrich** · 10-19-2006, 06:13 PM

If it were me, I wouldn't just keep paying and paying and paying. At some point I would have expected the other person to say "it's my turn to start paying for a few things" if they didn't I'd stop paying.

I think your b/f gave you the hint when he said we need to stop going out so much. It was turning him broke.

robowarrior · 10-19-2006, 06:17 PM

A couple shares its burden, you see a guy pays for you to express his love. But you also have to understand that there is a limit to his financial strenght and i think you should also buy things for him to show your love goes both ways. In order to achieve financial stability you should realise that constantly going out and leeching on his income brings him into financial problems. Going out 2-3 a week to a restaurant/movies is a very expensive undertaking.

For you of course this means a step back in terms of happyness, hell if someone constantly paid for my expenses and then suddenly said she would quit, it wouldn't make me happy either. But you have to be realistic, how many couples do you know that go so many times to a restaurant as you do? Probably not much, because they understand the word 'measure', there's a financial shoe size that you need to fit within. If you are expending more of his money then he is earning it means your living over the top of his resources, sending him into poverty.

Now i know money and stability is important in a relationship. But i also know that its not how much he earns what is important, but how much that he has left. Please understand that the poor bastard has only so much money in his pocket and if everything goes wasted on restaurants/dinners/movies nothing is left.

You have to be like a shepard here. The shepard sells a few of his sheeps to keep him alive, but always keeps some sheep left to reproduce and make baby sheeps in order to preserve the future.

What you want to do with your guy is to preserve the future, and you do this by not sending him into a financial disaster. Take a step back in expenses and share the burden. That's more realistic.

FCTex · 10-19-2006, 06:23 PM

I'm with melrich on this one...

I've gone through the same thing, and been on both sides.

My ex had alot of money, and her and her parents would pay for everything. I paid for alot when we'd go out, and things were really even in terms of dinner.

My current girlfriend, loves to go out, and I do too. I treat her to nice dinners, and can drop an easy $40-80 on a meal for the two of us sometimes.

BUT. It gets old fast.. I drive everywhere usually(gas), I pay for the meal, and I pay for this and that..

It breaks me.. Literally hundreds a week to go out with her. Between, gas, valet, dinner, movie/activities, and accessories.. She could definately hit me for 100-170 a night.. On top of what I already spend on her, picking her up things when I'm out, and ect.. It doesn't bother a guy to spend money to show affection and care.. But it's another to abuse that because it's been done in the past.

I told her we'd have to stop going out so much, maybe once a week, or twice.. And that we couldn't eat high on the hog like we usually do..

She pays more now, and while it's still not even.. If I don't want to pay(or can't).. I just tell her I won't go, or I'm not hungry.. or that we'll have to eat some place cheap.. to which she replies..

"I'll buy tonight..."

Basically, etheir you start paying more of the bill.. Offer too, before the check comes.. infact, offer to 'treat' him to dinner one night before leaving anywhere. Don't wait and stare at the check, and then offer, becuase it's obvious you don't want to pay for it.

dogheadma · 10-19-2006, 06:28 PM

Once you have established an exculsive commitment things should be paid for 50/50 unless one of you offers. That's in my opinion. The thing that dosen't seem right here is he implied he wouldn't pay for your meal at the diner and then offered to pay for the soup. That's confusing. I think he thought (I'm just guessing) that him paying for the soup was ok because it was less expensive than the diner. But he didn't say that. He also didn't say definitely one way or the other whether or not he wished to pay for your meal. You guys will have to discuss it and set a standard that you both agree on as far as who is paying for what and when.

renaissancewoman101 · 10-19-2006, 07:15 PM

When I was dating my ex, I paid for stuff that was expensive, like our travels or expensive dinners out. He paid for smaller things (like smaller meals and sometimes my gas). He didnt drive, but he would occasionally cook for me. Also when I went to visit him, his mother would have a meal ready for me when I showed up and I stayed over a lot.

Sometimes, it really isnt the money to make it even. If your SO is willing to make the effort and pull his/her weight around, then paying for food may not be a big deal. My ex took care of me, watched out for me, so paying for food wasnt a big deal.

NJRon · 10-19-2006, 07:46 PM

There seems to be an impasse.

He needs to know that you are willing to pay and be willing to accept it when you offer. You need to know that, at some point in the relationship, it needs to be more mutual.

Instead of going out to movies, stay in and watch a video. Order pizza... have it ready when he arrives.. or cook... etc.

It's not a question of "having you now" and so he is backing off... it's just finances. You can either see each other 2-3 times a week.. scale back and be more mutual.. or tell him you only want to see him once every week or so, since that's all he can afford... your choice.

Crazyaboutdogs · 10-19-2006, 07:56 PM

Quote:

a couple of nights ago i said i was really hungry and when we reached the diner(he wasn't hungry) he said do you want me to come in with you or wait here...obviously hinting he was not paying for it...i kind of looked at him and felt weird suddenly and was just like--you know what-- lets just go to the grocery market and i will get something there..i pick out soup and bread..and when i go to take out my wallet he says i can pay for your soup..and i just flat out said--you weren't going to pay for a wrap at the diner..so i can pay for my own soup...

Okay, so you are aggravated that he didn't want to pay for the wrap at the diner but would pay for the less expensive soup. On the other hand, you didn't seem to keen on paying for the more expensive wrap either, because the minute you realized he wasn't going to foot the bill, you decided to go for the cheaper option! Sounds like a double standard to me. I unfortunately see a lot of women like that who expect the man to pay for everything but the minute they have to pay for something, they are looking for the cheapest thing possible. You may earn less than him, but it is unfair for him to pay all the time. In fact, you should be treating him once in a while and should be going 50/50 most of the time.

renaissancewoman101 · 10-19-2006, 11:02 PM

I guess I am different than most women. I dont like it if a man pays for me. I rather pay my own way, or else pay for the guy. I like treating people well and that also means treating them out to eat. I have always been like that, sometimes to my own detriment. I dont think there are many women like me though.

Batya33 · 10-20-2006, 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by renaissancewoman101

I guess I am different than most women. I dont like it if a man pays for me. I rather pay my own way, or else pay for the guy. I like treating people well and that also means treating them out to eat. I have always been like that, sometimes to my own detriment. I dont think there are many women like me though.

Hmm - I can be like that too but I wonder if that is because I don't want to be indebted to or dependent on another person rather than liking the treating (I hope it is the latter reason and believe it is but, hmmmm)

To the OP: My boyfriend insists on treating me most of the time - he rarely lets me pay. Since we have been together for over a year, I want it to be closer to 50/50 but I don't like splitting the bill (feels too impersonal - he doesn't like that either). I do a number of things to even things out. First, I suggest inexpensive places and/or eating at home (typically my home and almost always, I pay). If we do movies/dinner I buy the tickets in advance so he can't pay. If we go to dinner twice in a weekend I insist on paying for one of the dinners (sometimes the less expensive one so that he will let me pay but sometimes not).

The bottom line is - you two should find a comfortable way of dealing with this - get into a routine - whatever works for both of you - taking turns, going out a bit less, going out inexpensively. Communicate about it in a calm direct way, and then hopefully you can work something out that works for both of you where it doesn't keep coming up. I empathize with him because he is right - it's been a long time and he cannot afford to keep treating you. Try to put the "taking it personal" aside unless there are other ways you feel things have changed in a "taking you for granted" kind of way. I am not saying that not wanting to pay is negative treatment or taking you for granted - it is not on its own an indication of that but if there are other signs of it it may be part of a transition. Talk to him.

10-19-2006, 05:54 PM	#1
hope123 Offline Member Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 451	Who Should Pay/ How Much Hi I have a question..i have been with my b/f for over a year...and usually in the beginning i think a guy pays for a lot...the dates that include movies and restaurants etc etc...a few months back my b/f said we needed to cut back a little on going out every single time we saw each other--which was like 2-3 times a week...i understood and said it was fine...whenever i was really hungry after school and work and it was like 8:30 or 9 pm--and if i got something myself to go--he would pay for it...one time like a month ago he mentioned i shouldn't have to pay if its only you getting something..even though he has done it soo many times..even if i offered you know, he paid...the past few times he has done this now...a couple of nights ago i said i was really hungry and when we reached the diner(he wasn't hungry) he said do you want me to come in with you or wait here...obviously hinting he was not paying for it...i kind of looked at him and felt weird suddenly and was just like--you know what-- lets just go to the grocery market and i will get something there..i pick out soup and bread..and when i go to take out my wallet he says i can pay for your soup..and i just flat out said--you weren't going to pay for a wrap at the diner..so i can pay for my own soup... would this bother anyone else..how all of a sudden his actions have changed?I know if we both go out to the movies or to dinner--he will pay..but obviously it wont be that often since he said it had be cut back on. I don't want to sound spoiled or anything..but would anyone else feel a little weird if their b/f all of a sudden started doing that? It makes me feel like--ok now that he has me--he doesnt have to do those things anymore. And i dont wanna start a fight over this and say--PAY..i would rather just eat the soup at this point. I also have a partime job whereas he has a full time job.

10-19-2006, 06:23 PM	#4
FCTex Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: USA Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 952	I'm with melrich on this one... I've gone through the same thing, and been on both sides. My ex had alot of money, and her and her parents would pay for everything. I paid for alot when we'd go out, and things were really even in terms of dinner. My current girlfriend, loves to go out, and I do too. I treat her to nice dinners, and can drop an easy $40-80 on a meal for the two of us sometimes. BUT. It gets old fast.. I drive everywhere usually(gas), I pay for the meal, and I pay for this and that.. It breaks me.. Literally hundreds a week to go out with her. Between, gas, valet, dinner, movie/activities, and accessories.. She could definately hit me for 100-170 a night.. On top of what I already spend on her, picking her up things when I'm out, and ect.. It doesn't bother a guy to spend money to show affection and care.. But it's another to abuse that because it's been done in the past. I told her we'd have to stop going out so much, maybe once a week, or twice.. And that we couldn't eat high on the hog like we usually do.. She pays more now, and while it's still not even.. If I don't want to pay(or can't).. I just tell her I won't go, or I'm not hungry.. or that we'll have to eat some place cheap.. to which she replies.. "I'll buy tonight..." Basically, etheir you start paying more of the bill.. Offer too, before the check comes.. infact, offer to 'treat' him to dinner one night before leaving anywhere. Don't wait and stare at the check, and then offer, becuase it's obvious you don't want to pay for it. Last edited by FCTex; 10-19-2006 at 06:26 PM.

10-19-2006, 07:46 PM	#7
NJRon Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: New Jersey Gender: Male Age: 39 Posts: 3,240	There seems to be an impasse. He needs to know that you are willing to pay and be willing to accept it when you offer. You need to know that, at some point in the relationship, it needs to be more mutual. Instead of going out to movies, stay in and watch a video. Order pizza... have it ready when he arrives.. or cook... etc. It's not a question of "having you now" and so he is backing off... it's just finances. You can either see each other 2-3 times a week.. scale back and be more mutual.. or tell him you only want to see him once every week or so, since that's all he can afford... your choice. __________________ I just don't get it! She seems totally uninterested in me, despite my smothering obsessiveness! - Nathanial Mayweather I'm not the moose! Nor am I a certified advice giver of any kind... so take everything I say as my opinion... throw away what doesn't work and keep what does. - Me

10-19-2006, 06:13 PM	#2
melrich Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2003 Gender: Male Posts: 8,499	If it were me, I wouldn't just keep paying and paying and paying. At some point I would have expected the other person to say "it's my turn to start paying for a few things" if they didn't I'd stop paying. I think your b/f gave you the hint when he said we need to stop going out so much. It was turning him broke.

10-19-2006, 06:17 PM	#3
robowarrior Offline Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: There where a man is happy. Posts: 1,964	A couple shares its burden, you see a guy pays for you to express his love. But you also have to understand that there is a limit to his financial strenght and i think you should also buy things for him to show your love goes both ways. In order to achieve financial stability you should realise that constantly going out and leeching on his income brings him into financial problems. Going out 2-3 a week to a restaurant/movies is a very expensive undertaking. For you of course this means a step back in terms of happyness, hell if someone constantly paid for my expenses and then suddenly said she would quit, it wouldn't make me happy either. But you have to be realistic, how many couples do you know that go so many times to a restaurant as you do? Probably not much, because they understand the word 'measure', there's a financial shoe size that you need to fit within. If you are expending more of his money then he is earning it means your living over the top of his resources, sending him into poverty. Now i know money and stability is important in a relationship. But i also know that its not how much he earns what is important, but how much that he has left. Please understand that the poor bastard has only so much money in his pocket and if everything goes wasted on restaurants/dinners/movies nothing is left. You have to be like a shepard here. The shepard sells a few of his sheeps to keep him alive, but always keeps some sheep left to reproduce and make baby sheeps in order to preserve the future. What you want to do with your guy is to preserve the future, and you do this by not sending him into a financial disaster. Take a step back in expenses and share the burden. That's more realistic.

10-19-2006, 06:28 PM	#5
dogheadma Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Gender: None Specified Posts: 399	Once you have established an exculsive commitment things should be paid for 50/50 unless one of you offers. That's in my opinion. The thing that dosen't seem right here is he implied he wouldn't pay for your meal at the diner and then offered to pay for the soup. That's confusing. I think he thought (I'm just guessing) that him paying for the soup was ok because it was less expensive than the diner. But he didn't say that. He also didn't say definitely one way or the other whether or not he wished to pay for your meal. You guys will have to discuss it and set a standard that you both agree on as far as who is paying for what and when.

10-19-2006, 07:15 PM	#6
renaissancewoman101 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: the land by the sea Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 8,563	When I was dating my ex, I paid for stuff that was expensive, like our travels or expensive dinners out. He paid for smaller things (like smaller meals and sometimes my gas). He didnt drive, but he would occasionally cook for me. Also when I went to visit him, his mother would have a meal ready for me when I showed up and I stayed over a lot. Sometimes, it really isnt the money to make it even. If your SO is willing to make the effort and pull his/her weight around, then paying for food may not be a big deal. My ex took care of me, watched out for me, so paying for food wasnt a big deal.

10-19-2006, 11:02 PM	#9
renaissancewoman101 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: the land by the sea Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 8,563	I guess I am different than most women. I dont like it if a man pays for me. I rather pay my own way, or else pay for the guy. I like treating people well and that also means treating them out to eat. I have always been like that, sometimes to my own detriment. I dont think there are many women like me though.