Lost and Confused... Help if you can

always123 · 09-13-2006, 12:22 PM

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in_the_mirror · 09-13-2006, 12:40 PM

it does sound like he is doing everything he can for you to show you that it is you he wants....and if you want to be with him again because it sounds ligit since april, i mean when i guy blows off his friends for a girl, well he's gotta like her....but if you do take him back those things he is doing now shouldn't change, if you notice those things start going back to how they use to be then just drop him. tell him, no more lying or anything suspicious otherwise your gone, because you don't deserve it and he doesn't desearve to be with a great girl like you.

Meow18 · 09-13-2006, 12:48 PM

First of all, welcome to Enotalone!

Honestly, to me it sounds like your boyfriend really is making changes. Instead of saying he will change and you never seeing it, you are seeing changes in him. And if he really is changing and hasn't cheated on you since, then this is a great step in the right direction.

But honestly, I'm worried about you. I'm not sure if you will ever be able to forgive and forget. And really, I wouldn't blame you. You just don't forget about the times when someone who supposedly loved you hurt you so bad.

Right now I'm sure you are still having a hard time with trusting him, right? Do you think that there will ever be a time when you can trust him again 100%?

A healthy relationship needs trust. A healthy relationship needs honesty and when there isn't honesty, the trust goes way down. I mean, really, how do you know he honestly hasn't cheated on you since, or how do you honestly know he's not lying about something else. The truth is, you don't. And since he's already broken that trust, how could you?

You need to ask yourself if you can ever really forgive him for what happened? And that means not bringing it up and getting hurt by it. It means to start over with your feelings and allow yourself to trust him again.

If you can trust him, and you know deep down that he really is changed, then I would say that you can have a healthy relationship. But if not, then I would say that no matter how much you cared about him, you will never be completely happy and you will always resent him for what he did. And you deserve better than that.

always123 · 09-13-2006, 01:23 PM

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in_the_mirror · 09-13-2006, 02:48 PM

it's really hard to get over a hurt like that. it doesn't just go away. and i'm sorry to say that there is much remedy to it other than to just learn from it and try to move on. try going out with your friends a lot more, or trying to get to know these girls that your b/f is talking to so that you know that they aren't a threat or anything. you can't just expect him to stop talking to girls all together, but it's understandable that you get jealous.

flower99 · 09-13-2006, 02:55 PM

I want to say I liked the way you handled things with him.

Meow gave some awesome advice. I agree with her that the question is now about whether you can forgive & forget. personally i don't know if I could....married 10 years down still in my mind. Some people have that ability & some don't. If you are one that doesn't than you will not be satisfied in the relationship. You'll always want more, like someone who hasn't already betrayed you & hid it from you & lied.(You deserve that!!!) He's shown you what he is capable of. Maybe he isn't the one for you.
It's hard work building a relationship on a broken foundation.
So I'd make sure he's worth it...he is putting in effort...but it is risk.

cryingeyez · 09-13-2006, 03:17 PM

HI, i really need some help. I am new here, I really need to know what to do. I have been talking to this guy now for about a month. (I am married) The guy that i am talking to knows that he can call me at work . he knwos that what time I get off work and he cant call me when i get home because duh i will be with my husband. He has acted ver interested in me. we have not wenta ll the way yet. He tells me that he does not care if i call him everytime i get a chance. When I asked him if he was sure he said "yes" call when you can as long as your husband is not around,. He acts interested when i see him, but not calling me makes me think he is not interested. i call him maybe 10 times a day, and he says he was really busy or sleeping. what shlould I do? should i back off or what . please help me i feel as thought it drives me crazy!!

Rabican · 09-14-2006, 01:15 AM

They say actions speak lounder than words... and it sure seems that he is changed (or at the very least, a great actor) but lets take his actions for true meaning for now. If hes really on the up and up then go with the second chance if you still love him.

I would probably tell him that you appreciate the changes he has made for you... if hell give up who he was, that must mean he things you are special. However, he didnt show you that respect until he almost lost you. I would tell him that as much as you appreciate it, if he were to slip up he needs to know that hes already had his second/ third/ fourth chances...

Give him this shot, but realize that if he screws up again... thats just who he is and its time to go.

doyathink · 09-14-2006, 02:40 AM

You asked if we thought if he would really change for you! No, he won't make any changes you ask him too simply because you ask. He will only make changes in himself if HE truely wants to change. If he truely believes he has done something wrong.

If he cares enough about you and doesn't want to lose you, he may but I would tend to be cautious with this. Dont beleive him just because he says he has changed, give it time and it will show in his actions, not his words!

yeawutever · 09-14-2006, 02:58 AM

Boy guess it would be better if more people would stick to the "Zero tolerance" policy on these matters. That way they would be warn on time what's not to be tolerated and if they make the mistake/cheated, then the other person would then tell him/her "I told ya I wouldn't tolerate this".

09-13-2006, 12:22 PM	#1
always123 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 10	Lost and Confused... Help if you can 12345678910 Last edited by always123; 02-15-2007 at 11:35 PM.

09-13-2006, 12:40 PM	#2
in_the_mirror Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: here cuz im not there Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 544	it does sound like he is doing everything he can for you to show you that it is you he wants....and if you want to be with him again because it sounds ligit since april, i mean when i guy blows off his friends for a girl, well he's gotta like her....but if you do take him back those things he is doing now shouldn't change, if you notice those things start going back to how they use to be then just drop him. tell him, no more lying or anything suspicious otherwise your gone, because you don't deserve it and he doesn't desearve to be with a great girl like you. __________________ Fear is the only thing that hurts.

09-13-2006, 12:48 PM	#3
Meow18 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: IL Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 2,884	First of all, welcome to Enotalone! Honestly, to me it sounds like your boyfriend really is making changes. Instead of saying he will change and you never seeing it, you are seeing changes in him. And if he really is changing and hasn't cheated on you since, then this is a great step in the right direction. But honestly, I'm worried about you. I'm not sure if you will ever be able to forgive and forget. And really, I wouldn't blame you. You just don't forget about the times when someone who supposedly loved you hurt you so bad. Right now I'm sure you are still having a hard time with trusting him, right? Do you think that there will ever be a time when you can trust him again 100%? A healthy relationship needs trust. A healthy relationship needs honesty and when there isn't honesty, the trust goes way down. I mean, really, how do you know he honestly hasn't cheated on you since, or how do you honestly know he's not lying about something else. The truth is, you don't. And since he's already broken that trust, how could you? You need to ask yourself if you can ever really forgive him for what happened? And that means not bringing it up and getting hurt by it. It means to start over with your feelings and allow yourself to trust him again. If you can trust him, and you know deep down that he really is changed, then I would say that you can have a healthy relationship. But if not, then I would say that no matter how much you cared about him, you will never be completely happy and you will always resent him for what he did. And you deserve better than that. __________________ Committing your love to someone means losing the chance to experience another person's love. So just be sure the person you are committed to deserves your love or else it’s not worth the sacrifice. Forget who hurt you yesterday, but don't forget who loves you today.

09-13-2006, 01:23 PM	#4
always123 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 10	12345678910 Last edited by always123; 02-15-2007 at 11:34 PM.

09-13-2006, 02:48 PM	#5
in_the_mirror Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: here cuz im not there Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 544	it's really hard to get over a hurt like that. it doesn't just go away. and i'm sorry to say that there is much remedy to it other than to just learn from it and try to move on. try going out with your friends a lot more, or trying to get to know these girls that your b/f is talking to so that you know that they aren't a threat or anything. you can't just expect him to stop talking to girls all together, but it's understandable that you get jealous. __________________ Fear is the only thing that hurts.

09-13-2006, 02:55 PM	#6
flower99 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,950	I want to say I liked the way you handled things with him. Meow gave some awesome advice. I agree with her that the question is now about whether you can forgive & forget. personally i don't know if I could....married 10 years down still in my mind. Some people have that ability & some don't. If you are one that doesn't than you will not be satisfied in the relationship. You'll always want more, like someone who hasn't already betrayed you & hid it from you & lied.(You deserve that!!!) He's shown you what he is capable of. Maybe he isn't the one for you. It's hard work building a relationship on a broken foundation. So I'd make sure he's worth it...he is putting in effort...but it is risk. __________________ ~Love is not gazing into each other's eyes; it is looking together in the same direction.~ ~ There are a lot of changes in life, how we react to them that matters, it's what makes us who we are. ~ Last edited by flower99; 09-13-2006 at 03:00 PM.

09-13-2006, 03:17 PM	#7
cryingeyez Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 39	HI, i really need some help. I am new here, I really need to know what to do. I have been talking to this guy now for about a month. (I am married) The guy that i am talking to knows that he can call me at work . he knwos that what time I get off work and he cant call me when i get home because duh i will be with my husband. He has acted ver interested in me. we have not wenta ll the way yet. He tells me that he does not care if i call him everytime i get a chance. When I asked him if he was sure he said "yes" call when you can as long as your husband is not around,. He acts interested when i see him, but not calling me makes me think he is not interested. i call him maybe 10 times a day, and he says he was really busy or sleeping. what shlould I do? should i back off or what . please help me i feel as thought it drives me crazy!!

09-14-2006, 01:15 AM	#8
Rabican Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: FL Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 2,086	They say actions speak lounder than words... and it sure seems that he is changed (or at the very least, a great actor) but lets take his actions for true meaning for now. If hes really on the up and up then go with the second chance if you still love him. I would probably tell him that you appreciate the changes he has made for you... if hell give up who he was, that must mean he things you are special. However, he didnt show you that respect until he almost lost you. I would tell him that as much as you appreciate it, if he were to slip up he needs to know that hes already had his second/ third/ fourth chances... Give him this shot, but realize that if he screws up again... thats just who he is and its time to go.

09-14-2006, 02:40 AM	#9
doyathink Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Venus Gender: Female Posts: 5,313	You asked if we thought if he would really change for you! No, he won't make any changes you ask him too simply because you ask. He will only make changes in himself if HE truely wants to change. If he truely believes he has done something wrong. If he cares enough about you and doesn't want to lose you, he may but I would tend to be cautious with this. Dont beleive him just because he says he has changed, give it time and it will show in his actions, not his words! __________________ When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

09-14-2006, 02:58 AM	#10
yeawutever Online Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Age: 22 Posts: 5,671	Boy guess it would be better if more people would stick to the "Zero tolerance" policy on these matters. That way they would be warn on time what's not to be tolerated and if they make the mistake/cheated, then the other person would then tell him/her "I told ya I wouldn't tolerate this". __________________ Opened-minded to those in need of help. Not everything is black and white as it seems.... If you're gonna do something, think twice and make sure it's something worthy that you don't later on regret!!!!!!!!!!! Still in a LDR with boyfriend.