I'm quite messed up- REALLY

Messedup2007 · 08-31-2006, 10:53 AM

Most of the people in here seem to be a better type of person than I am, less messed up in a fundamental way. I am not talking about depression, saying your not as unhappy as me, just well your probably not as much a social freak.

I don't like the word depression. I don't believe in psychiatry whatsoever except when a person is "psychotic". Well its certainly not for me.

I am a very unhappy and miserable but aggitated sort of person.

I always have been, really but especially since about the age of 12.

I'm 31 now.

I've been on the psychiatry bandwagon, medications, seen psychologists etc.. It didn't help me, in fact may have made me worse.

They always say I have a "personality disorder" and symptoms of depression etc. I used to have real bad anxiety. For many years. I had HEAPS of full blown panic attacks.. Hyperventillation, Shaking, Rapid heart beat etc.. I used to be real neurotic. I believed I was dying of diseases. I thought I had cancer, heart disease, a stroke. I thought I was being poisoned. I wouldn't trust people not to poison my food or put drugs in it. I had equipment and I would take my blood pressure sometimes say 100 times a day as well as measure my pulse.

Incredibly while I get anxious, I am nowhere near like before but the unhappyness is always present. Im not neurotic now. I dont know why it stopped.

I was a severe alchoholic for a while. I was homeless and I got many charges against me, about 30. They were all stuff like disorderly behaviour, resisting arrest, property damage etc..

When I was drunk I often used to smash the bottles up and cut myself up. i wasn't trying to kill myself, i was trying to "hurt" myself but I wouldn't say at the time I cared what happened. I of course had heaps of stitches and a few operations, I am lucky i can still move my fingers etc. I am ashamed of the marks, I've got perhaps 60-70 altogether on legs and arms. Some of very pronounced.

I used to hallucinate and stuff from the alcohol and have well hellish hallucination you couldn't imagine. I think my memory is permanently well a bit stuff as are some of my cognitive functions.

I pulled away from Alcohol. Somehow.. Somehow I dont know how. It was more for other people. I was around kids. I had to stop. And I did.

I am on disability. I've never had a job. I was quite messed up as a teenager. Like when I was 13 I smashed my fathers house up really bad causing about $30,000 damage (Australian dollars) and I threatened to kill him with an axe. I burnt all the pictures of myself and destroyed all my property and was put into a hospital against my will for several months.
They put me on these medications and I put on HEAPS of weight. I lost most of it for a while but i've always had the disposition. Recently, I have put on heaps. At age 26 I was 85 kilos.. Now at 31 I have gone to 112kilos but this is also since i have stopped drinking. But damn I gave up alcohol and got off smoking onto nicorettes (actually ive been on and off the gum for 12 years, 5 years in a row now) but I can't damn lose weight. Its the one thing I can't beat. I'm too damn unmotivated anyway.

Well Ive never had a girl friend, or even had any sort of sexual experience. Yes I want to, Ive got an ususually high sexual drive i believe and i am social. But girls always want to be my friend and are never interested. My sex drive is much lower now. I definately feel i've missed out on to me the most important part of my life, not just the sex, but the relationship, the affection.

Even when I was thin and fit I couldnt find a girl so now I reckon I have no chance cause I am really fat. I am too well unmotivated to shave and stuff anyway. I am on disability so i dont have to go out. I rarely do.

I get lots of weird thoughts these days and "mix ups".. I think thats cause of the alchohol but sometimes i worry the nicorettes stuff my brain up cause for a while i was chewing around 3 times the maximum recommended dose and could not cut down cause i would get so stressed out and "depressed" and think really bad stuff.

I always wake up each night feeling I am suffocated.. My heart races so fast and I get bad pain in my chest.. THen I get up and it goes away after 30 seconds. It probably some left over from the anxiety problem I had in the past. It usually happens within the first 1-2 hours of going to sleep.

I cant concentrate on anything. I cant motivate myself to do anything. The more pressure I put on myself the more out of control my moods get. I know not to pressure myself cause I well I am a potentially extreme sort of person.

I have tried medications they are bull****. Antidepressant dont do anything, seem to make me feel like drinking i also feel as well so for this reason I keep off them. Especially the SSRI's seem to make me feel like drinking I think this may be because I reckon they make me much higher when I am drinking.People would say I would speak so fast they couldn't understand what i was saying. This would only happen when drunk on stuff with prozac.

The neuroleptics are good to reduce stress and sleep but they ALL make my legs unable to stop moving and its torture. Even the new ones. They also make me really, really hungry and i've tried a few. Also i've had my tongue go funny on them and i get this weird feeling in my tongue whenever i take them. No way am i touching them. I dont trust them

Lithium, mood stabalisers didnt help.. I dont think i have anything like bipolar anyway. Not yet atleast.

So no i dont believe in medication anymore.

I dont enjoy life. I often wake up and its not uncommon for me to have tears in my eyes but never full blown crying. I am always just trying to distract myself from the moment. But nothing satisfied me. The thing I would like most is a girlfriend but I am also unusually selective. I'd like a girlfriend almost just so i can die and say i have one. I dont want to die a virgin. I used to believe if i killed myself i would go to a sort of hell like in the hellraiser movies. this used to put me off killing myself bigtime. I felt i would be tortured for all eternity in a way worst than any prison of war camp etc..

I dont believe this anymore at all. I am a complete atheist.

My life is miserable. The prognosis is poor. I dont believe free will exists by the way. I believe cognitiion is an illusion of biological processes. I dont believe i have a chemical deficit in my head just that my brain is of poor quality, a sort of crappy organ with deficits. I mean i did have brain damage when I was born (mild).

I have extensively researched suicide methods. I mean high quality sources not just babbling rubbish. it feels liberating. I mean perhaps I could indeed slit my throat but why should i suffer my last few moments like that? I am NOT going to kill myself now, I cannot I have responsiblilities. It would mess some people up. You may say I have people its more they need me. I am there for *them*.

But you know its a rational objective solution. I wish society was mature enough to say that for a select few, some people are just too disfunctional and it is humane to allow them to die. Why do you have to wait till people crack? Sometimes they crack and take down others? if people are to be held responsible for their actions (ie beaten up in prison) they should be allowed a respectable way out..

I just want to say that I dont want ANYONE else to think of hurting themselves. It may be a good option for me, but please your probably not like me. These young people who are so frustrated and depressed, at least your not 30 looking back going man i am old.. All my sexual conditioning is REALLY, SERIOUS, COMPLETELY MESSED UP. I mean I certainly don't find 30 year old women attractive. I havn't had women around to grow up with and I guess the conditioning move on. What chance do I have with a 20 year old women? None.. But my attractions have become abnormal. When you feel your programming is as messed up as mine. You realise its not worth it. But I hope all you other people find happyness.

Bye

Messedup2007 · 08-31-2006, 11:14 AM

Well I'll add a bit more. I am sort of looking after a 14 year old girl. SHe is cool and all. I love her like family. But its not enough to make me happy. She is also lot of stress. WHen I met her like she was around 12 and like guys were putting needles in her arms and injecting her with speed etc (she also smoked it). I definately helped her get away from that. She TOTALLY trusts me and I would never hurt her. I dont LUST after her BTW. But I am lonely and its a bit nice to have her around. She was in a special foster carer place for kids in trouble with the police and on bail but they cant handle her. She stole all their stuff and smashed their place up a bit etc. But I am real affectionate with her and never angry and she always behaves here.. Well I still help this family of 5 kids.. They are all in foster care now but for 5 years well I was there, lived there etc.. The mother is a prostitute and IV drug user. When I first got there the whole place i mean was covered in faeces like completely and the kids were covered well the clothes were filthy. Most people could not go in the house cause the smell it would make them sick. The kids were in great danger from many things, ie dangerous nutcases, accidents, abuse etc. I protected them HEAPS. Some relatives came to me and said they seriously believe some of the kids, well death could easily have happened if i wasnt there. The kids love me to pieces and I do love them. Thats why I cant kill myself now. But I need more. Id like a girlfriend. I am like the father without a wife.. Man I have seen a lot of bad stuff around that neighbouhood yeah people were dying of overdoses etc, but you know some people would give like kids as young as 10 speed etc like "lick in out of the bag" etc and their were meth labs etc, kids sleeping around them. I would go mental etc trying to push this stuff away. MOST the kids around there had smoke or frequently smoked pot from like 10 or so, certainly by 13. I never used speed etc. Well thats just a glimpse. But I dont see anything but uglyness. The welltodo people never want anything to do with me, mostly well I babble too much and I am not sophisticated and respectable enough (ie no job)... Well the kids are in foster care. the 14 year old may come back again. I love her. I mean I want to CARE for her but I am too depressed part of me wants to say well im sorry im too mental to look after you. But i cant .. nobody else. Everyone else is too hard on her and she freaks out. She will end up dead like this other 13 year old at that house did (car crash). I had warned her the week before. Talked to her about dangerous driving for a few minutes etc..

B ye

allgood · 08-31-2006, 11:16 AM

dont know really what to say man,but if ur still here another day. just improve your life a little at a time. It doesn't hurt trying, and even if it does at least you tried. My motto as of late "try and fail but don't fail to try"....i got that from some website whos author is unknown. man i feel your in alot of pain, just remember even though you think your alone your not, god is there with you, his crying with you. even if you dont believe him,he believes in you. even if your 31 at least u got this far.

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:29-30

Messedup2007 · 08-31-2006, 11:41 AM

Well thats nice man. Im tired now but will think about what you have said. Thankyou

AwdreeHpburn · 08-31-2006, 11:59 AM

Messedup - do you volunteer at a centre of some sort? Like a youth mentoring programme?

If you don't, you should. If there is nothing around there like that, maybe you could look into starting one. I don't know what laws or govt funding is like in Austrailia but surely it could be worth looking into if you're in or know kids who are in a troubled arear.

From what you wrote, I got that you like kids and are probably really good for them in that you can relate to maybe going down a wrong path or two.

Who better to steer kids in the right direction than someone who knows where NOT to go?

I think mentoring could be your ticket to feeling a bit more fulfilled maybe.

You may have found your purpose in all of this dude....

Spugly Fuglet · 09-05-2006, 05:59 PM

hows it going messed up?

08-31-2006, 10:53 AM	#1
Messedup2007 Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 3	I'm quite messed up- REALLY Most of the people in here seem to be a better type of person than I am, less messed up in a fundamental way. I am not talking about depression, saying your not as unhappy as me, just well your probably not as much a social freak. I don't like the word depression. I don't believe in psychiatry whatsoever except when a person is "psychotic". Well its certainly not for me. I am a very unhappy and miserable but aggitated sort of person. I always have been, really but especially since about the age of 12. I'm 31 now. I've been on the psychiatry bandwagon, medications, seen psychologists etc.. It didn't help me, in fact may have made me worse. They always say I have a "personality disorder" and symptoms of depression etc. I used to have real bad anxiety. For many years. I had HEAPS of full blown panic attacks.. Hyperventillation, Shaking, Rapid heart beat etc.. I used to be real neurotic. I believed I was dying of diseases. I thought I had cancer, heart disease, a stroke. I thought I was being poisoned. I wouldn't trust people not to poison my food or put drugs in it. I had equipment and I would take my blood pressure sometimes say 100 times a day as well as measure my pulse. Incredibly while I get anxious, I am nowhere near like before but the unhappyness is always present. Im not neurotic now. I dont know why it stopped. I was a severe alchoholic for a while. I was homeless and I got many charges against me, about 30. They were all stuff like disorderly behaviour, resisting arrest, property damage etc.. When I was drunk I often used to smash the bottles up and cut myself up. i wasn't trying to kill myself, i was trying to "hurt" myself but I wouldn't say at the time I cared what happened. I of course had heaps of stitches and a few operations, I am lucky i can still move my fingers etc. I am ashamed of the marks, I've got perhaps 60-70 altogether on legs and arms. Some of very pronounced. I used to hallucinate and stuff from the alcohol and have well hellish hallucination you couldn't imagine. I think my memory is permanently well a bit stuff as are some of my cognitive functions. I pulled away from Alcohol. Somehow.. Somehow I dont know how. It was more for other people. I was around kids. I had to stop. And I did. I am on disability. I've never had a job. I was quite messed up as a teenager. Like when I was 13 I smashed my fathers house up really bad causing about $30,000 damage (Australian dollars) and I threatened to kill him with an axe. I burnt all the pictures of myself and destroyed all my property and was put into a hospital against my will for several months. They put me on these medications and I put on HEAPS of weight. I lost most of it for a while but i've always had the disposition. Recently, I have put on heaps. At age 26 I was 85 kilos.. Now at 31 I have gone to 112kilos but this is also since i have stopped drinking. But damn I gave up alcohol and got off smoking onto nicorettes (actually ive been on and off the gum for 12 years, 5 years in a row now) but I can't damn lose weight. Its the one thing I can't beat. I'm too damn unmotivated anyway. Well Ive never had a girl friend, or even had any sort of sexual experience. Yes I want to, Ive got an ususually high sexual drive i believe and i am social. But girls always want to be my friend and are never interested. My sex drive is much lower now. I definately feel i've missed out on to me the most important part of my life, not just the sex, but the relationship, the affection. Even when I was thin and fit I couldnt find a girl so now I reckon I have no chance cause I am really fat. I am too well unmotivated to shave and stuff anyway. I am on disability so i dont have to go out. I rarely do. I get lots of weird thoughts these days and "mix ups".. I think thats cause of the alchohol but sometimes i worry the nicorettes stuff my brain up cause for a while i was chewing around 3 times the maximum recommended dose and could not cut down cause i would get so stressed out and "depressed" and think really bad stuff. I always wake up each night feeling I am suffocated.. My heart races so fast and I get bad pain in my chest.. THen I get up and it goes away after 30 seconds. It probably some left over from the anxiety problem I had in the past. It usually happens within the first 1-2 hours of going to sleep. I cant concentrate on anything. I cant motivate myself to do anything. The more pressure I put on myself the more out of control my moods get. I know not to pressure myself cause I well I am a potentially extreme sort of person. I have tried medications they are bull***. Antidepressant dont do anything, seem to make me feel like drinking i also feel as well so for this reason I keep off them. Especially the SSRI's seem to make me feel like drinking I think this may be because I reckon they make me much higher when I am drinking.People would say I would speak so fast they couldn't understand what i was saying. This would only happen when drunk on stuff with prozac. The neuroleptics are good to reduce stress and sleep but they ALL make my legs unable to stop moving and its torture. Even the new ones. They also make me really, really hungry and i've tried a few. Also i've had my tongue go funny on them and i get this weird feeling in my tongue whenever i take them. No way am i touching them. I dont trust them Lithium, mood stabalisers didnt help.. I dont think i have anything like bipolar anyway. Not yet atleast. So no i dont believe in medication anymore. I dont enjoy life. I often wake up and its not uncommon for me to have tears in my eyes but never full blown crying. I am always just trying to distract myself from the moment. But nothing satisfied me. The thing I would like most is a girlfriend but I am also unusually selective. I'd like a girlfriend almost just so i can die and say i have one. I dont want to die a virgin. I used to believe if i killed myself i would go to a sort of hell like in the hellraiser movies. this used to put me off killing myself bigtime. I felt i would be tortured for all eternity in a way worst than any prison of war camp etc.. I dont believe this anymore at all. I am a complete atheist. My life is miserable. The prognosis is poor. I dont believe free will exists by the way. I believe cognitiion is an illusion of biological processes. I dont believe i have a chemical deficit in my head just that my brain is of poor quality, a sort of crappy organ with deficits. I mean i did have brain damage when I was born (mild). I have extensively researched suicide methods. I mean high quality sources not just babbling rubbish. it feels liberating. I mean perhaps I could indeed slit my throat but why should i suffer my last few moments like that? I am NOT going to kill myself now, I cannot I have responsiblilities. It would mess some people up. You may say I have people its more they need me. I am there for them*. But you know its a rational objective solution. I wish society was mature enough to say that for a select few, some people are just too disfunctional and it is humane to allow them to die. Why do you have to wait till people crack? Sometimes they crack and take down others? if people are to be held responsible for their actions (ie beaten up in prison) they should be allowed a respectable way out.. I just want to say that I dont want ANYONE else to think of hurting themselves. It may be a good option for me, but please your probably not like me. These young people who are so frustrated and depressed, at least your not 30 looking back going man i am old.. All my sexual conditioning is REALLY, SERIOUS, COMPLETELY MESSED UP. I mean I certainly don't find 30 year old women attractive. I havn't had women around to grow up with and I guess the conditioning move on. What chance do I have with a 20 year old women? None.. But my attractions have become abnormal. When you feel your programming is as messed up as mine. You realise its not worth it. But I hope all you other people find happyness. Bye

08-31-2006, 11:59 AM	#5
AwdreeHpburn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tiffany's Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 4,637	Messedup - do you volunteer at a centre of some sort? Like a youth mentoring programme? If you don't, you should. If there is nothing around there like that, maybe you could look into starting one. I don't know what laws or govt funding is like in Austrailia but surely it could be worth looking into if you're in or know kids who are in a troubled arear. From what you wrote, I got that you like kids and are probably really good for them in that you can relate to maybe going down a wrong path or two. Who better to steer kids in the right direction than someone who knows where NOT to go? I think mentoring could be your ticket to feeling a bit more fulfilled maybe. You may have found your purpose in all of this dude.... __________________ What i really meant to say, is that I'm sorry for the way I am......

08-31-2006, 11:14 AM	#2
Messedup2007 Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 3	Well I'll add a bit more. I am sort of looking after a 14 year old girl. SHe is cool and all. I love her like family. But its not enough to make me happy. She is also lot of stress. WHen I met her like she was around 12 and like guys were putting needles in her arms and injecting her with speed etc (she also smoked it). I definately helped her get away from that. She TOTALLY trusts me and I would never hurt her. I dont LUST after her BTW. But I am lonely and its a bit nice to have her around. She was in a special foster carer place for kids in trouble with the police and on bail but they cant handle her. She stole all their stuff and smashed their place up a bit etc. But I am real affectionate with her and never angry and she always behaves here.. Well I still help this family of 5 kids.. They are all in foster care now but for 5 years well I was there, lived there etc.. The mother is a prostitute and IV drug user. When I first got there the whole place i mean was covered in faeces like completely and the kids were covered well the clothes were filthy. Most people could not go in the house cause the smell it would make them sick. The kids were in great danger from many things, ie dangerous nutcases, accidents, abuse etc. I protected them HEAPS. Some relatives came to me and said they seriously believe some of the kids, well death could easily have happened if i wasnt there. The kids love me to pieces and I do love them. Thats why I cant kill myself now. But I need more. Id like a girlfriend. I am like the father without a wife.. Man I have seen a lot of bad stuff around that neighbouhood yeah people were dying of overdoses etc, but you know some people would give like kids as young as 10 speed etc like "lick in out of the bag" etc and their were meth labs etc, kids sleeping around them. I would go mental etc trying to push this stuff away. MOST the kids around there had smoke or frequently smoked pot from like 10 or so, certainly by 13. I never used speed etc. Well thats just a glimpse. But I dont see anything but uglyness. The welltodo people never want anything to do with me, mostly well I babble too much and I am not sophisticated and respectable enough (ie no job)... Well the kids are in foster care. the 14 year old may come back again. I love her. I mean I want to CARE for her but I am too depressed part of me wants to say well im sorry im too mental to look after you. But i cant .. nobody else. Everyone else is too hard on her and she freaks out. She will end up dead like this other 13 year old at that house did (car crash). I had warned her the week before. Talked to her about dangerous driving for a few minutes etc.. B ye

08-31-2006, 11:16 AM	#3
allgood Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 310	dont know really what to say man,but if ur still here another day. just improve your life a little at a time. It doesn't hurt trying, and even if it does at least you tried. My motto as of late "try and fail but don't fail to try"....i got that from some website whos author is unknown. man i feel your in alot of pain, just remember even though you think your alone your not, god is there with you, his crying with you. even if you dont believe him,he believes in you. even if your 31 at least u got this far. "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30

08-31-2006, 11:41 AM	#4
Messedup2007 Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 3	Well thats nice man. Im tired now but will think about what you have said. Thankyou

09-05-2006, 05:59 PM	#6
Spugly Fuglet Offline Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: London Village Gender: Male Posts: 1,706	hows it going messed up?