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When a man says we need to take time apart to think?


never-too-late

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What should I do? He says we need time apart?

 

I have just come back from a weekend spent with my boyfriend. We spent a nice weekend but today we argued a little. I started to cry and he got really upset with me and told me that these kind of situations makes him hesitate to be sure about us. He told me that he thinks we need time apart. He reassured me he is not breaking up with me but he needs time to think about us, his life, his career plans. What do you think I should do? I wanted to find out from him today if he sees me in his future and he said that he feels like I am always pressuring to talk to me about us and he says our fights and my cries do not make him feel too convinced about us. When I was leaving today, he kissed me and said to me " see you ok?". He said he does not want anybody else, he just wants time on his own as he feels exhausted with everything. He said that we will not plan our next meeting now as he felt forced to meet me last time.

 

I was very sad to hear that but he said that he could not say no to me when I suggested to meet last weekend. I am starting to worry what his intentions really are with me as he seems to prefer not seeing me. He said he will miss me even if we won't see each other but he will not die. He also told me that he has enough stress with his own job, he does not need stress from me. What do you think about this? Should I worry that it's over between us and he just doesn't know how to tell me? But knowing him, he would have told me honestly if it was over. It scares me though that he does not need to see me so much like I do?

 

What do you suggest I should do?

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I think you need to respect his wishes for space. Pressuring him is going to make him realize you are only considering your OWN needs..and that it's not HIM you care about..but just the "relationship".

 

My suggestion is to say.."OK..no problem...I think space is a great idea..I was asked away for a weekend trip...so maybe we'll talk when I get back"

 

Then don't contact him. Try to stay busy..even if you DON'T go away...he doesn't need to know that. What he DOES need is to know you will be ok

if he needs time apart..and that you won't fall apart. Strength is an attractive quality. Maybe he WILL miss you..but you won't know that if you don't give him the chance.

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I've been in your shoes before, frantically worried that the one I loved was distancing himself from me as a way to end the relationship. What I have realized through time though, is that it is only natural for each and every one of us, even when in a healthy and deeply-involved romantic relationship, from time to time to need our own personal space in order to clear our heads, assess our own lives, and our feelings about the relationship. This much needed space also allows us to miss our respective partners. My advice to you is that it seems like both of you would fair well by having some breathing room. There's no need for alarm, things will work out for the best.

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just let him have his time. But this arguing etc..is quite common in a relationship, i don't know how he'd deal with it later on then..just because a relationship has no fights doesn't mean it'll last ( he needs to realize that). If you fight about things that can potentially be an damaging issue later on, maybe it is better to break it off and find someone who is more compatible.

 

crying is a trait girls have and guys will just have to deal with it

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I can't believe what I just read, almost the exact same thing happened to me, from the weekend away, to him asking for space that very same week... All the same issues about him feeling pressured to talk about things sound so similar....he just didn't want to know. I was like that for years...When I would show emotion, he hated it even more, he would say that's why he couldn't be with me...he didn't want to know.. I couldn't believe what I was reading.... Unfortunately in my case, he never really did love me and they were all excuses... please feel free to pm me as it just sounds so similar... apart from the fact that I'm in Australia... In the end, he treated me very poorly and bascially when you love someone, what do they need to think about? Please be strong, let him have his space, it sounds like he has issues, my situation is so similar... give him the space and try nc, let him miss your wonderful presense... Good luck and message if you need to....

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Today is my first day where I have not contacted him. This silence between us is making me uncomfortable and it makes me feel like I want to break it and ask him what is on his mind and what is he feeling and if he still wants to be with me and why is he silent but something is telling me that if I do that, he might find my questions annoying? It's only one day and I am finding it hard. I have had a busy day where I was very busy so no time to think about it, however, now it's an evening, I am alone in my room and I am getting scared that I might have pushed him away from me and I am sad as normally he would have send me a small message.. I guess I should just continue being silent though. It's hard when I have absolutely no idea what he thinks? Is it something I should really worry about? He is a very honest guy so I think he would have told me if he wanted to break it off with me. He said we need time apart... it's so hard not knowing what the right thing is to do. I just don't want to loose him.

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People who are in love with each other and have a balanced relationship do not ask for time apart.

 

Either he no longer feels for you the way he did or he is feeling that you have no life outside this relationship, that you are too dependant on this relationship to the point that you are stifling any individuality he has.

 

Let's say he still loves you. Then what is going on is he is feeling stifkled by that love. It feels more liek a responsibility to him than the joyous thing it should be.

 

That absolute last thing you should be doing is pressing him on this. Just stay away from him.

 

I suspect he may not come back to you but I think the chances of that are even stronger if you start pressuring him now.

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People who are in love with each other and have a balanced relationship do not ask for time apart.

 

I don't understand this melrich. Having designated alone time, at least for me is critical for my sanity, and hungered by my soul. Sometimes, even when in love and deeply involved in a relationship, one still needs a bit of personal space from time to time. I would go mad if I had to spend every waking hour occupying the same space as another person, except perhaps if that person was my child.

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well, if you're arguing over and over about the same thing and you cry about it, that can be tiring for someone. it's hard to argue and get your point accross when the person's crying.

 

anyway, i had no contact with my boyfriend for a week. i wasn't aware we were not talking, but i think he just got busy with work. anyway, i too had a hard time not wanting to call or message him, but it got easier as the days went on. the first days are really hard.

 

give him space because like people have said, you gotta respect his wishes. if you wanted space to figure stuff out, whether it was about your relationship or not, the last thing you want is your bf bugging you everyday, several times a day says "are you ok, do you want to break up??? how come you're not talking to me?" it's a great way to push someone away. plus it shows you can't respect their needs or boundaries.

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I agree with you totally. That's what I mean by a balanced relationship ie you are not living in each others pocket's, your whole world does not revolve around him/her, you keep your identity as an individual and you do things as an individual.

 

Sounds good to me, I agree whole heartedly. Your statement is both absolutely correct and critical when considering a truly healthy relationship.

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I truly appreciate your advice. I just find it extremely difficult to see him going from being sweet to me when last month he would send me sweet messages just to say hello and ask me about my day, where he would show his care as I was really stressed out with my job to being silent, unsure and basically absent. He still has not contacted me. I am trying to be strong but I am actually quite worried about the whole situation as we are in a long-distance relationship anyway so its not like I can just go and knock on his door right now. Normally we see each other once a month as we both have full-time jobs so it's not always possible to meet but this time he has not suggested to meet up as he said he felt forced to meet me last time. That's what worries me as well that he basically won't call me, he won't plan our next meeting and he will just go away from me?

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okay, breathe, relax, and just STOP, don't do anything, when you're feeling this "desperate feeling" it's okay to "feel" it, but do NOT re-act to it... I promise you if you do NOT call him, he will call you, he will, if he's the "great guy" you say he is, let him BE THAT GUY.. give him a chance to pursue YOU... trust this, do NOT call him.. you will "feel desperate, scared, unsure" during this time of "not calling him" but those are feelings that will pass if you just give HIM some time to make a choice to call YOU...

 

If you call him, it will SURELY drive him further away.. do NOT call him, he's told you very clearly to "let him breathe", at least he had the respect to tell you this and not just "ignore you" or lie and make excuses for why he won't be calling right away...

 

so be "respectful" back and have the self respect to leave him alone for a bit.. you can do it, do NOT call him.

 

come here and vent, ask questions, get through your "moments' of panic, here with us.. let him have the space he so respectfully asked for... if you don't you will surely smother any chance of him "wanting to pursue you".. because he WON'T HAVE TO or may fear that all YOUR happiness is somehow HIS responsiblity.. that is NOT an attractive position for you to portray, take a few days to work on YOU, work out, read, come here to talk it out.. but do NOT call him..

 

Do you think you can do this for a few days? I know you can, just trust that if you love someone you have to "have faith" that it should grow from both people at thier own pacing.... he's asked for some space, let him have it.

 

What is the alternative? Honestly, he asked you for space, and you are considering "ignoring it" and doing exactly what he's asking you NOT to do, you want to "call him" and have him aleviate your "fears". That's NOT his job, that's yours.. let us know you're afraid, we can help you help yourself through this.. do NOT call him.. he will call you, in time.. he will.... and you will be SO HAPPY you had the self respect to let it happen this mature, honest, respectful, non-needy way..

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Tell him you will give him as much time and space as he needs and let GO! Do things with your girlfriends, catch up on housework, homework, business, anything. If you have not heard from him in a significant amount of time, say three weeks, start dating again.

When a guy is handing out this type of ultimatum, and that is what he's saying, he needs time off, you should always run the other way and see if he comes back to you. "When you love someone set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours, if not, well...."

 

And please, no matter what the outcome, don't worry about it. It may be that he is just in need of a new focus on life, and that doesn't have anything bad to say about you.

Hope for the best.

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I'd be very wary of this. I don't buy this "break" up too much. It could be an excuse to play the field while clinging onto you in the background. You can say:

 

1. you can have your break but it's forever

 

2. Set a time limit, NOT exceeding a month and condition that if either of you are unfaithful during thos period, it's off

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I have not contacted him since Monday. Today is Thursday. It's really strange that we are silent like this. I feel quite confused actually. I know that he sometimes does this to me when he gets stressed but each time I get so scared because I worry this time it might mean that it's over? Anyway, he is a pretty honest guy even if it hurts sometimes and I think he would have said so if he wanted to finish it or if he wanted to play the field? I know that he is extremely unhappy in his job and it stresses him out too much. He said he needed to look for a new job and he said that my upset feelings towards him do not support him. He is going on vacation with his best buddy next Thursday for 2 weeks so I wonder if he contacts me when he comes back or before that. To be honest, I would prefer if he did after he comes back because he would have a lot of time to think but I just don't know. The only thing I know is that I will not be the first one to contact him. I am not sure if it's the right thing though because he might think that I am not intersted in him anymore? I just don't get how we could go from calling each other honey and texting each other almost every day last month to this silence.. I guess I am trying to trust him when he said to me that he is not breaking up with me, he needed time to think about situation as it is a long-distance and we need to come up with some kind of solution for that. I just don't know...

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Never-too-late, YOU ARE DOING GREAT, it's nice to know you have had the self respect to NOT call him right now... he will NOT think you don't want him, it will be the opposite, he will be forced TO THINK ABOUT YOU, you can not see the forest through the trees, so do NOT be a "tree". Let him have this time, and YOU take this time to work on YOU, make yourself "more interesting" can you take a class, do something you've never done before, plant a garden, change your furniture around, some kind of project?

 

You are putting all your "happiness" on one "bet"... and it should be on YOU.... If this is meant to be with this guy, it's best if it's HIS effort that makes it so.. any other form of "making this happen" on your part will leave you wondering even if you ARE TOGETHER...

 

See? By you choosing to "wait it out, give him space' you will know a whole lot sooner where this relationship stands in his life, but please give it time....for YOU.

 

Try not to think of it as HIM having the time, but YOU TAKING THE TIME... after all you have enough self respect and CLASS to NOT be calling him right now... that is so wise, it's difficult I know, but the "RIGHT' thing to do is usually the toughest thing to do...

 

Try not to "re-act" to your momentary emotions of doubt. Just feel them, vent them here on this site, we will help you through them..

 

But believe me if you contact him first, you will never feel good about it, and he will think "I guess it doesn't matter to her how I feel, just that she needs her "insecurities" fixed again, ugh".. and he will start to resent the responsibility for YOUR happiness...

 

So for today, be responsible for your own happiness. and do NOT call HIM, but feel what you are feeling and let him come to you.. he will... give it time... and when he does you will feel soooooo great that you let him "make the effort" then you will be putting your energy into something more "real" with him..

 

and if he doesn't "make the effort" well then you have saved yourself the humiliation of trying to "convince someone to love you" YUK....

 

Do NOT call him.... I know how painful it is to remember the "newness" of a relationship, the sweet texts, the calling, the laughter, the intamcy.... ahhh..it's all so nice, where is it now?

 

He's scared, he's overwhelmed, he does care about you, but might feel/sense your "neediness" and that can be too big a responsiblity for anyone.. the good news is, you are doing things DIFFERENTLY right now, you are "letting go" and that is the classy thing to do..

 

you're needy, you are vulnerable, but you are perfect, just take this time to find yourself a bit more...

 

We're all here for you, hang in there, just let go.. and the miracle will be yours..

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Thank you all for your support!

 

Today is Saturday and since last Monday, I haven't heard anything from him. I really don't know what to think? It looks like he has moved on and he has silently broken up with me and he is not coming back. I am starting to feel like he has forgotten all about me, he might have met someone else and now he is happy to be without me. I am hearbroken I am not sure if I should contact him and ask him if he has finished with me because it's very worrying me that he has gone completely silent?

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The longest my bf went without talking to me was a week and you are right at 5 days. I was mad as heck about it.

 

I read you only saw each other once a month. That doesn't seem like much of a relationship to begin with. I'd give him another week or so. When he contacts you, I wouldn't be so eager to talk or meet up with him either.

 

He kept doing it to me and I think I have figured out a way to stop it.

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do NOT call him... if you call him you will be "further hurt".. does that make sense to you? He can NOT give you something you want right now and that only makes the guy feel like not wanting to talk to you.. but he will to be "polite".. and then you will hang up feeling MUCH WORSE THAN YOU DO NOW..

 

and you'll have to start your healing all over again. You're going to be sad for a bit, uneasy, but it's okay, you'll survive it, just cry, be sad, talk here, call friends, but do NOT call him. You will not feel good about it if you do.. sure, you're going "crazy" right now, but you'll be okay, just don't ACT CRAZY and call him.. do you know what I mean?

 

He will NOT forget you, if you stay away, he will make a choice to either "make an effort eventually to contact you" OR he will just move on, but at least YOU will have your self respect, BUT if you call him, he's probably in an emotional place where he'll think, "UGH, SHE'S CALLING ME, I JUST WANT TO FORGET ABOUT HER" don't put yourself in this situation.. let him go...for now... if he comes back YOU WILL FEEL SO GOOD that you let it happen in his timing, NOT yours... and if he doesn't make a choice to come back, well, then he wasn't THEE one for you... can you let go, just for today?

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Please help me, I made a big mistake and we might be now broken up

 

So I stayed strong for a week but on Monday morning I could not go on anymore and I texted him. I asked him how he was doing and what does his silence mean. I said I worry. He texted me back a couple of hours later and he said "Hello my dear, don't be surprised, you know that I told you I need time to think about us as you want me to be sure about you and our relationship and I am not now so I cannot help." I wish I left it at that. I texted him back and I told him that I respect his wish for taking his time but how long does he need for that? He replied and said to me that he does not like how I put pressure on him and that it does not work this way. I told him that I think it's only fair for me to ask as I already waited for him 2 months ago and I don't feel comfortable when we are silent. He said to me that I always look for a problem in each situation and that I am pushing him. I then asked him to call me and so he did. However, we ended up arguing and he said that he asked for time to think as I got us into this situation as I was the one who brought up the subject of the future and where our relationship is going and as I wanted him to be completely sure about me if I am the one girl for him. He then told him if I want a solution now, he will leave for good as I am pushing him. I started to cry and he said that that's the last thing he wants to hear. He said that he has been so stressed with everything and I only bring him troubles. He said that this is what makes him think that I might not be the girl for him. He then told me that it seems to him I am asking for break up and he said if that's what I want, he will leave. He said that he is too upset as I never support him and he always has to spend his time making me feel better and he said he was exhausted from that.

 

Anyway, he then told me that he is leaving. I called him back and I told him that I don't want to break up at all. I said that I want to be with him but I just find it hard how he always asks for time away from me. He said he is doing it because I am never happy with he has to offer and I always ask for more and he said he can't give me that. He said to give him a break and to leave him alone. He is going on a vacation with his best friend tomorrow. He said he may call me after but he may not. I was so hurt. I could not sleep at all. In the morning I apologised for being so emotional and I told him if he could forgive me that I will give him the time he needs and I appreciate that he is taking time to think about us. He replied and he said that he has problems at work, his grandma who he is closed to is in the hospital, he had a job interview, he hasn't been on holidays for a long time so he is exhausted and he had to think about us. He said now when I pushed him too far, I want him to think about us again. He said he will not forgive me this time as I am bringing more and more troubles to him and I am bringing our relationship more and more down. I told him that I will give him the time alone and I love him and I care for him and I was sorry to hear about his problems and I told him that I only cry because it hurts to think I could loose him. He replied and said to leave him alone as we agreeed. I texted him today and I told him that I wished him good holidays as he is leaving for 2 weeks to Asia and a safe flight and that I hoped he was ok. He did not reply I am so scared.

 

Is it too late? Please help me

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