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What are some signs of your ex wanting to get back together


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don't look at signs, realize that the only thing that means you might get back together is when your ex says, "i made a mistake and i want you back." anything less than that is not good enough.

 

i thought i was seeing "signs" when my ex came back into my life a little while ago. but they weren't signs, he was just being weak, missing me, wanting to be friends. by reading those as good signs, i really screwed myself up and went backwards in my healing. i wish i had known then to look for concrete intentions and words.

 

so, for the record, even if he wants to hang out every single day, tells you he misses you, whatever...it doesn't mean anything. if your ex wants you back, he'll let you know in words AND actions.

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that's good advice. i feel the same way now. I feel like she's trying to reach out to me, or is she? she's got stuff on her myspace now that hints at things i've said and interests of mine. it's weird to see that stuff. her myspace, by the way also is saturated with things that seem things are not going well for her. I know i shouldn't be looking at that stuff, because it's true what people say about every little reminder. in real space or cyber, apparently

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Even for the stubborn girls? How about the whole concept that men are "supposed" to initiate relationship contact, or in this case, re-contact? Ofcourse after a good time of some NC.

 

 

NO LOOPHOLES! We have talked about this.

 

The only sign that your ex wants to get back together is IF THEY SAY THAT, IN THOSE WORDS!

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The ONLY sign is when they call you and say, "I made a mistake - let's get back together."

 

Anything less than that is nothing.

 

and some might be thinking, "oh, that never happens, no one's that forward." but a person who wants to get back with you honestly does that.

 

just last week my friend was approached by her ex of about three months. he had seen her a few days before at a party with her new BF. after that he kept calling her, texting her. but the point is, when he saw her in a club a few days later he said, verbatim, "i'm in love with you. i want you back."

 

too little, too late? of course. he was a total jerk to her, and i highly doubt that he "loves" her, he's too caught up in his own selfish games. but the point is, when a person really wants something, he'll stick his neck out a little bit to get it. no doubt about it.

 

she's got stuff on her myspace now that hints at things i've said and interests of mine. it's weird to see that stuff. her myspace, by the way also is saturated with things that seem things are not going well for her.

 

hmm. well, if she wants to get back with you, it SOUNDS like she would be doing it because she feels unfulfilled and happy, which is not a good reason for getting back together.

 

believe it or not, as late as a few weeks ago, i had been hearing about some things that seemed to indicate that my ex's life wasn't going that well either. and you know what's sad? i started to get my hopes up that he would want me back. "his life sucks without me, he'll realize that without me around it's meaningless!"...this kind of thinking. but i realized, why would i want him back because his life is in the crapper? if anything, he should want me back because he's happy, and his life is going well, but still misses me and has found that i'm irreplaceable.

 

however, recently i've heard heard he might be interested in dating this awful girl, so i think the likelihood of the aforementioned is slim to NONE. ouch...your ex with another = the most heartbreaking thing ever.

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I am going to disagree to a point with the whole notion that someone has to say "I made a mistake, lets get back together". Often pride, weakness, fear can play a hand in someone not taking this step. On the other hand, I think there are 'signs' so to speak, however that does not mean that they will be followed by a reconcilliation.

 

For a couple to start over again, I think it takes two people working to that point, not one person teaching the other a lesson and making them admit they were wrong. The best healthy way for two people to get back together is for them to talk about it and come to a joint decision to "start over". That means forgiveness and moving on from what separated you both to begin with. Remember, it takes two people to get to this point. No matter how well we all say we treated our exes, we were just as complicit in not reading the signs so enough, pushing them away, smothering, neglecting, etc... you get the picture. If someone wants you back, they may have their own concerns about whether you are willing to work on your own issues.

 

Otherwise, material signs that someone wants to get back together can be measured by the frequency and type of contact the person who initially called things off makes. Another sign could be initiation of physical intimacy, agitation when around you, excessive gift-giving, calls at unusual hours, you name it.

 

NC has its place, but it should not be a vehicle to teach your person of interest a lesson. It is to help you gain perspective in your own life and if necessary, to move on. People see it too often as a statement of "my way or the highway". That kind of stubborness can kill any chance of reconcilliation.

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I am going to disagree to a point with the whole notion that someone has to say "I made a mistake, lets get back together". Often pride, weakness, fear can play a hand in someone not taking this step. On the other hand, I think there are 'signs' so to speak, however that does not mean that they will be followed by a reconcilliation.

 

i see your point on this. however, i do think that a) these "signs" more often than not do NOT indicate wanting to get back together, only the weakness of the dumper, and b) a person who wants to get back together will say so if asked and/or soon after contact. it's my belief that a person who really wants to get back will say so, and not be wishy-washy about it. and i believe that the person will make up his mind pretty damn soon after re-initiating contact whether or not he wants to reinstate the relationship; if he really can't make up his mind, it's time to say bye-bye anyway.

 

i guess i would just advise caution if one's ex has reappeared with nice words or invitations to hang out and doesn't take some real steps toward commitment soon after recontacting. i think people on here, like me, might see the signs and be tempted to take them as meaning something bigger without having this hope confirmed, and it later bites them in the butt. too many dumpers "check in" on their exes without a real intent to reconcile. thereforeeee, i think it's better to be safe than sorry.

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joyce,

 

I agree that "dumpers" do have a tendency to check in and for many peole for whom the separation is still raw, it can be misconstrued as a desire to get back together. A lot of wishful thinking tends to occur in these instances.

 

However, I do think its natural for a dumper to send signals first in order to have to avoid the potential outright rejection themselves. This will often occur if the dumper ended things because of their own fears and insecurities.

 

I tend to see a lot of monolithic thinking with regards to NC in particular. Relationships are a two way street. Too often I read where the dumper wants some sort of contact and the dumpee states "Unless you want to get back together again, I don't want to ever speak to you". It makes sense to need space after having the rug pulled out under you, but ultimatums don't work.

 

Its late and I am rambling1

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However, I do think its natural for a dumper to send signals first in order to have to avoid the potential outright rejection themselves. This will often occur if the dumper ended things because of their own fears and insecurities.

 

I tend to see a lot of monolithic thinking with regards to NC in particular. Relationships are a two way street. Too often I read where the dumper wants some sort of contact and the dumpee states "Unless you want to get back together again, I don't want to ever speak to you". It makes sense to need space after having the rug pulled out under you, but ultimatums don't work.

 

Its late and I am rambling1

 

haha, you're not rambling. i totally see your point.

 

well, i guess i see the whole thing in light of my relationship and breakup. that has very much influenced my thinking on the subject. my ex a) was a complete jerk in breaking up with me and b) came back in to give me TONS of mixed signals when he knew all he wanted was friendship. he emailed me later asking to be friends as well. i didn't respond, and i'm so glad i didn't. even then, i still wanted to see it as him asking for "friendship" because he really wanted a relationship. as you said, VERY "wishful thinking."

 

the way i see it, a dumper like this can only screw up so many times before you stop giving him the benefit of the doubt, stop giving him lots of leeway and time that will allow him to screw with your head. naturally, you can't expect the ex to call you and say "hi, how's it going, I WANT YOU BACK!" but the latter part definitely needs to come out sooner rather than later. the dumper should understand this and the dumpee should know this as well.

 

but you are right. a person may not always be inclined to be so straightforward. fear of rejection is a very real thing, even if you were the intial "rejector". i guess if your ex comes back into the picture, you just have to decide how much of your heart you're willing to risk, and how much time you're willing to give to hear "let's try it again." and IMO, if the ex has already been very hurtful, he shouldn't get much time.

 

thanks for that point of view, that's something to think about. and you are definitely right about that "monolithic thinking" RE: NC.

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I wasted many years of my life reading too much into my ex's actions. we stayed friends after the breakup, and we were quite friendly and kind to each other. so much so, that I constantly had hope we would get back together.

 

But, like i said, I wasted many years like this. maybe if I had been open to meeting other men, I would be married and happy with another guy right now!

 

I read into every e-mail and phone call I got from him. But, in hindsight, he was the kind of man that got what he wanted. and if he wanted me back, he would have made a serious play for me. i didn't get that at the time though.

 

that is just my take on "mixed signals." I don't believe in them.

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but what about females, I know they (my ex espicially) can be very submissive and/or passive. So how does it work if you flip your story around annie?

 

whoa, what? i think that's a pretty offensive stereotype. i'm not passive, and i'm not submissive. i don't know many passive or submissive women. what century are you living in, exactly?

 

and i agree, you are looking for loopholes. you've made yourself very open, you've laid all your cards out for your ex. if she hasn't jumped on it, she's just not interested. period.

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Dont take it the wrong way, just with my ex she always relied on me for decision making, I am sorry if that came out the wrong way.

 

yeah, but she did make 1 decision, which was breaking up with you. (even if you think it was the parents that made the decision - no. she still made it and went through with it).

 

that, along with the decision not to get back together. this girl had made some decisions, even if you don't want to admit it.

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now that you've explained it better i get you a little bit. but still, even if she relies on you for "decision making" doesn't mean she can't make them for herself. after all, she broke up with you...that's a pretty big decision, isn't it?

 

some women will leave the decision-making to their partners not because they can't do it themselves, but because it is more common of women to sacrifice their happiness to make someone else happy, or at the very least, do what is good for the relationship--the two of you TOGETHER--rather than what is good for her. (by the way, i'm not pulling this out of nowhere, this is talked about a lot in books like men are from mars, women are from venus.) these women can be perfectly capable of making decisions, but allow their partners to do most of it because they sense it makes them feel happy or fulfilled. psychologically, men get a lot more out of being the decision-makers or breadwinners or WHATEVER than women. as you probably know, men like to be in charge.

 

i'm not pretending to know your ex, but i just want to put it out there that simply because she usually relegated the decision-making to you might not necessarily suggest that she is passive, submissive, insecure, etc. etc.

 

"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

 

I have always been an optomist.

 

that's generally a good stance to take. however, i see two problems with this:

 

1. you are using being an "optimist" as an excuse to hold onto hope that your ex will want you back. hope and optimism are NOT the same thing, particularly when the fulfillment of your hope is in someone else's hands.

 

2. if you are truly an optimist, you will see the opportunities available to you in being broken up with your ex. an optimist will take what life gives him and try to make the best of it. at the moment, what you've been given is a single life. now, make the best of being single, because what you are doing right now is focusing on what is out of reach, and that is not the MO of an optimist.

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The ONLY sign is when they call you and say, "I made a mistake - let's get back together."

 

Anything less than that is nothing.

 

I'll go Annie one better. It doesn't mean jack until something like this is said face to face and in person, looking you squarely in the eye!

 

Viper - you ask about "stubborn" girls? Think about it. Your ex wasn't so "stubborn" that she couldn't share her feelings with you in the initial stages of your relationship, during the relationship, and of course during the demise of the relationship...so why would you think that she wouldn't be forward enough to share her feelings with you now, if getting back together was what she wanted?

 

My ex was like this, and I thought the same as you. She would call and not leave messages occasionally. Gave me the vibe that she expected me to chase her after she had crapped all over me and flaked out. Like you, I thought that her insecurities and fear of rejection would prevent her from directly asking me back and admitting she had made a mistake...etc..etc..and that might have been part of the case. However, she had no problems pursuing me in the beginning and during the relationship did she? Chase her after she dumped me over the phone on Valentines Day an hour before dinner plans?????????? As much as I wanted to chase her and throw myself at her feet because of how I felt about her, everytime I was tempted to, my self respect and dignity got in the way, Thank God!

 

It's all mixed signal BS until the look you in the eye and tell you they want to make it work. Anything short of that is ambivalent "testing the waters" crap. After you get dumped, spend more time worrying about improving yourself and moving forward with your life than trying to look for "signals" and "signs" in everything that happens. Stick with No Contact and remember that if they wanted you back, they would be letting you know that by banging on your door wouldn't they?

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1. you are using being an "optimist" as an excuse to hold onto hope that your ex will want you back. hope and optimism are NOT the same thing, particularly when the fulfillment of your hope is in someone else's hands.

 

2. if you are truly an optimist, you will see the opportunities available to you in being broken up with your ex. an optimist will take what life gives him and try to make the best of it. at the moment, what you've been given is a single life. now, make the best of being single, because what you are doing right now is focusing on what is out of reach, and that is not the MO of an optimist.

 

 

Wow! You know why I love coming to these forums so much? It's all about the awesome tidbits of wisdom that often come in small little paragraphs! Joyce, your two points above really jumped out at me and make so much sense. You are 100% correct. A true "optimist" would be focusing on the current and future opportunities, irregardless of the outcome with the "ex".

 

I particularly liked this: 'hope and optimism are NOT the same thing, particularly when the fulfillment of your hope is in someone else's hands".

 

This is wisdom! Great post Joyce!

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i thought i was seeing "signs" when my ex came back into my life a little while ago. but they weren't signs, he was just being weak, missing me, wanting to be friends. by reading those as good signs, i really screwed myself up and went backwards in my healing. i wish i had known then to look for concrete intentions and words.

 

I learned this the hard way myself a few years ago, in fact, regarding the break up that originally led me to this fine site. Words of wisdom here. Read 'em, and absorb 'em.

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This is wisdom! Great post Joyce!

 

haha...thanks.

 

Thank you for the insight, I still have a severly broken heart.

 

i understand. most of us do here. i know i do.

 

i understand that your ex said all sorts of things about leaving the relationship "open" and saying how you could maybe get back together. and that was EXTREMELY irresponsible of her, that is NOT YOUR FAULT that she has sent out so many confusing and unfair messages. but right now, she has you wrapped around her finger and she's giving you nothing in return.

 

sometimes you just have to take something at face value, and i think this is one of those times. treat it like a breakup, and i think you will be a happier person sooner than if you stay in limbo. you are separated, free to see other women, and if your ex doesn't like that she never should have broken up with you.

 

and like you said, look for the opportunity in this difficulty of being broken up by taking advantage of the freedom of single life.

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