Constant teasing but no sex

heloladies21 · 08-20-2006, 05:31 AM

Got into a new relationship a few weeks ago and my current gf started out very sexually interested. We've had sex several times and it's very good for both of us. She's always groping me and turning me on even in public etc. A problem I've come into the last few days is that I've been rejected for three days straight when it comes to sex, although she's kept up with the teasing. I try and do it back, but she's somewhat resistant (I don't think she likes getting turned on in setting where it won't lead to sex, and now come to think of it I feel the same way). I've been very cool about it the last couple of times (no means no), but tonight after hours of what basically amounts to foreplay at a night club, I got soundly rejected again while she was up on my bed in my room. I couldn't help but to turn my attention to things other than her (checking email, putting pj's on, turning on lights and tv until it was time for her to go--just a few minutes because it was late--fatigue was not the reason for rejecting me I'm almost positive and the good night kiss was very not passionate as I was upset and just didn't want to kiss in that way) because I didn't want to take it out on her as I've had bad results in the past when it comes to confronting frequency of sex. It just puts too much pressure on the situation and I have no doubt there is a much better way to handle this. Even the way I handled it tonight, it feels like there was pressure put on the situation and for her to put out. I don't think this is where I want to be. I did the very best I could not to be mad, but maybe it still came through (she said she could tell and although I'm sure she would expect me to feel that way. I'm unsure whether it was something I did to tip her off, I denied it as best I could) and surpressing emotions like this just doesn't feel comfortable in general. Something just tells me there's a better way to handle this and I have a bad feeling that this is a sign that I'm handling something in the relationship incorrect.

Question #1 What is the best way to handle getting rejected by your partner? I don't want to give the impression that I'm going to be 100% cool with getting rejected everytime. Every once in a while is cool, but I don't want it to set a bad precident.

Questin #2 Is the constant teasing I do to her and having her push away (it's never in a serious way that she does it) having some kind of negative effect when it comes time to go for the real deal? I think I've just answered my own question with this as it most probably is.

Question #3 Should I continue to let her tease me at will? It's a very big turn on when it leads to sex, but it's very frustrating when it leads to a night alone. Would a cut and dry explanation of my feelings on it be a good idea? I just have a feeling that this method will put pressure on her and that will lead to the problem getting worse.

DN · 08-20-2006, 06:04 AM

It is certainly wrong to put pressure on someone to have sex when they don't want it. But what she is doing is equally wrong (question #3) and I think it is legitimate to call her on it. Just tell her that if she doesn't want sex don't lead you on to think that she does.

That sort of behaviour is playing head-games and the sooner you talk to her about it the better,

itsallgrand · 08-20-2006, 09:06 AM

I agree with DN.

Honestly, talk to her straight up about it, and establish a few boundaries (teasing to no end is ok if it's going somewhere, teasing a little is ok but teasing a lot and not being in the mood is not cool, eg).

There really is no reason for her to get upset about that. If she does, she's playing a game and not being reasonable about your feelings. Basically, it would mean she is selfish and that ain't cool.

good luck

Meow18 · 08-20-2006, 10:35 AM

I agree with the others. You need to talk to her about it otherwise it won't change.

You are not upset that she doesn't want to have sex nessecarily, just that she leads you on to think that. And it's just confusing for you.

You are good to respect her choice. But she needs to respect the fact that you don't enjoy being lead on to nothing.

Imperceptible · 08-20-2006, 12:23 PM

If she rejected you 3 days in a row, maybe she's on her period.

vandgsmom · 08-20-2006, 12:29 PM

^^^ exactly what I was going to say.

I mean, if that is the case, she wants to keep you interested and wanting her until her curse is over, and probably dosen't realize your dilemma, because she knows you will be doing it again in a few days... I can understand why she would be doing this if that was the case. Just ask her. We don't like to overly talk about it, but we also don't mind you asking about it if it pertains to something. (like the possibility of us having relationship problems cause you don't understand why we are acting this way)...

Buena Suerte!

Mousty · 08-20-2006, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Imperceptible

If she rejected you 3 days in a row, maybe she's on her period.

That's exactly what I was thinking aswell... she might be shy to bring it up and probably thinks you are ok with it without having to tell you.

heloladies21 · 08-20-2006, 02:58 PM

Nah her period just started today. Anyways she called waking me up and in the conversation (which she was very nervous sounding) she apologized for what happened last night. I kind of cut her off and told her it's not a situation where I would expect anything and no pressure for anybody here. Then I read people's advice on the thread and decided it was a mistake just to let things sit so when she called again, I said it was pretty uncomfortable to have all that teasing going on all night long and have it not lead to anything is frustrating. So she said she understood and we'll see where it goes from there.

Meow18 · 08-20-2006, 11:25 PM

Well at least she understands. Hopefully she will remember this..

Cardinal · 08-23-2006, 01:32 AM

I understand your frustration. Many people simply need the release of orgasm after any significant amount of teasing. I have been in a similar situation. The way I always handle it is by doing something else entirely that doesn't involve my SO. I admit i do react negatively when she leads me to believe we are going to have sex and then decides to string it out an extra 5 hrs or maybe until the next day.

You have to deal with the frustration somehow I suppose.

08-20-2006, 10:35 AM	#4
Meow18 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: IL Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 2,884	I agree with the others. You need to talk to her about it otherwise it won't change. You are not upset that she doesn't want to have sex nessecarily, just that she leads you on to think that. And it's just confusing for you. You are good to respect her choice. But she needs to respect the fact that you don't enjoy being lead on to nothing. __________________ Committing your love to someone means losing the chance to experience another person's love. So just be sure the person you are committed to deserves your love or else it’s not worth the sacrifice. Forget who hurt you yesterday, but don't forget who loves you today.

08-20-2006, 11:25 PM	#9
Meow18 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: IL Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 2,884	Well at least she understands. Hopefully she will remember this.. __________________ Committing your love to someone means losing the chance to experience another person's love. So just be sure the person you are committed to deserves your love or else it’s not worth the sacrifice. Forget who hurt you yesterday, but don't forget who loves you today.

08-20-2006, 05:31 AM	#1
heloladies21 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 3,898	Constant teasing but no sex Got into a new relationship a few weeks ago and my current gf started out very sexually interested. We've had sex several times and it's very good for both of us. She's always groping me and turning me on even in public etc. A problem I've come into the last few days is that I've been rejected for three days straight when it comes to sex, although she's kept up with the teasing. I try and do it back, but she's somewhat resistant (I don't think she likes getting turned on in setting where it won't lead to sex, and now come to think of it I feel the same way). I've been very cool about it the last couple of times (no means no), but tonight after hours of what basically amounts to foreplay at a night club, I got soundly rejected again while she was up on my bed in my room. I couldn't help but to turn my attention to things other than her (checking email, putting pj's on, turning on lights and tv until it was time for her to go--just a few minutes because it was late--fatigue was not the reason for rejecting me I'm almost positive and the good night kiss was very not passionate as I was upset and just didn't want to kiss in that way) because I didn't want to take it out on her as I've had bad results in the past when it comes to confronting frequency of sex. It just puts too much pressure on the situation and I have no doubt there is a much better way to handle this. Even the way I handled it tonight, it feels like there was pressure put on the situation and for her to put out. I don't think this is where I want to be. I did the very best I could not to be mad, but maybe it still came through (she said she could tell and although I'm sure she would expect me to feel that way. I'm unsure whether it was something I did to tip her off, I denied it as best I could) and surpressing emotions like this just doesn't feel comfortable in general. Something just tells me there's a better way to handle this and I have a bad feeling that this is a sign that I'm handling something in the relationship incorrect. Question #1 What is the best way to handle getting rejected by your partner? I don't want to give the impression that I'm going to be 100% cool with getting rejected everytime. Every once in a while is cool, but I don't want it to set a bad precident. Questin #2 Is the constant teasing I do to her and having her push away (it's never in a serious way that she does it) having some kind of negative effect when it comes time to go for the real deal? I think I've just answered my own question with this as it most probably is. Question #3 Should I continue to let her tease me at will? It's a very big turn on when it leads to sex, but it's very frustrating when it leads to a night alone. Would a cut and dry explanation of my feelings on it be a good idea? I just have a feeling that this method will put pressure on her and that will lead to the problem getting worse. Last edited by heloladies21; 08-20-2006 at 05:34 AM.

08-20-2006, 06:04 AM	#2
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,445	It is certainly wrong to put pressure on someone to have sex when they don't want it. But what she is doing is equally wrong (question #3) and I think it is legitimate to call her on it. Just tell her that if she doesn't want sex don't lead you on to think that she does. That sort of behaviour is playing head-games and the sooner you talk to her about it the better, __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

08-20-2006, 09:06 AM	#3
itsallgrand Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: following my grace... Gender: None Specified Posts: 6,790	I agree with DN. Honestly, talk to her straight up about it, and establish a few boundaries (teasing to no end is ok if it's going somewhere, teasing a little is ok but teasing a lot and not being in the mood is not cool, eg). There really is no reason for her to get upset about that. If she does, she's playing a game and not being reasonable about your feelings. Basically, it would mean she is selfish and that ain't cool. good luck __________________ "The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." Mal Pancoast

08-20-2006, 12:23 PM	#5
Imperceptible Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 210	If she rejected you 3 days in a row, maybe she's on her period.

08-20-2006, 12:29 PM	#6
vandgsmom Offline Gold Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 677	^^^ exactly what I was going to say. I mean, if that is the case, she wants to keep you interested and wanting her until her curse is over, and probably dosen't realize your dilemma, because she knows you will be doing it again in a few days... I can understand why she would be doing this if that was the case. Just ask her. We don't like to overly talk about it, but we also don't mind you asking about it if it pertains to something. (like the possibility of us having relationship problems cause you don't understand why we are acting this way)... Buena Suerte!

08-20-2006, 02:58 PM	#8
heloladies21 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 3,898	Nah her period just started today. Anyways she called waking me up and in the conversation (which she was very nervous sounding) she apologized for what happened last night. I kind of cut her off and told her it's not a situation where I would expect anything and no pressure for anybody here. Then I read people's advice on the thread and decided it was a mistake just to let things sit so when she called again, I said it was pretty uncomfortable to have all that teasing going on all night long and have it not lead to anything is frustrating. So she said she understood and we'll see where it goes from there.

08-23-2006, 01:32 AM	#10
Cardinal Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 1,214	I understand your frustration. Many people simply need the release of orgasm after any significant amount of teasing. I have been in a similar situation. The way I always handle it is by doing something else entirely that doesn't involve my SO. I admit i do react negatively when she leads me to believe we are going to have sex and then decides to string it out an extra 5 hrs or maybe until the next day. You have to deal with the frustration somehow I suppose.