Desperately need advice!!!!!

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this but I joined because I really need some advice.

I have been married for 5 years but dated my husband for 11 before we got married, we were young when we got together I was 17 and he was 19. Anyway, we have 2 kids.

For the past 2 years of our relationship we have had a lot of problems. My husband has become distant we no longer have any communication in our relationship and our sex life is dead!! When he leaves in the morning for work I get a kiss on the forehead and when he comes home from work I get a tap kiss on the lips and that's it till the next morning where I again get another kiss on the forehead. I have tried to start things up in the bedroom but he rejects me by telling me not tonight I have a headache, that tickles now you can't touch me because whatever you do tickles, or he just lays there snoring. I have tried to wear sexy clothing to wearing nothing to bed and still nothing changes.

I have gotten to the point where I was sick and tired of being rejected and stopped trying. I'm the type of person that if I feel something I let you know I can't keep it to myself. So I have talked to him many, many times and nothing changes. I do all the talking and he doesn't reply, but aside from our sex life, we have no communication. I have sat down and said this is what's bothering and it hurts when you reject me or when you don't talk to me. He says sorry I'll change and he does for a few days to a week and then we're back to the same thing.

Well it's now been 2 years of the same thing and I'm so tired of it. I have threatened divorce but he cries and apologizes and I say ok one more chance. He improves for a week then we fall into the same rut. I wait 2 weeks to see if he notices that things are back to being miserable but he doesn't notice and I end up repeating the same things over and over.

Well about 3 weeks ago I contacted my ex-boyfriend, we remained friends and talk from time to time. My husband has no idea because even though he has never met my ex he hates him. We started just talking on the phone and I find out that he works bartending at a restaurant, so I went to see him and gave him a ride home that night, when I got him home we kissed goodnight. Now I know that I am wrong but for those few minutes he gave me a passionate kiss that I haven't had/felt in years. Since then we have continued to talk and we find out that we are still in love with each other. He and I were dating for 5 years before I met my husband. I started out very young. My ex knows how unhappy I am and he tells me to try and work it out with my husband being that we have 2 children. Honestly, that's the only thing that is holding me back from leaving him.

I have fallen out of love with my husband and I don't want to be selfish and leave. Not only do we as adults suffer but my kids will suffer as well. Last night my husband caught me texting on my cell phone and he asked me who was I texting and I lied and told him that I was texting him when I was texting my ex. Today he called me and told me that he thinks I'm cheating on him and he doesn't want to lose me, I went through the whole explaining again of how unhappy and miserable I am and he again promised to change. Now what should I do? Give him another chance for the 15th time? or should I just tell him we should separate for a while in hopes that he realizes what he has. My ex is just there for me to talk to I have no intention on seeing him again because I don't want to be unfaithful, I'd rather tell my husband before anything happens. I don't want to hurt him in that way. Any advice anyone can give would be helpful. PLEASE, PLEASE HELP!!!!

Thanks

welcome to enotalone.

I think you should sit down and have a very serious conversation with your husband. say that the lack of intimacy and communication is ruining your marriage and that you two need to fix things. not just a "I'll change" but that you two will take serious steps towards repairing the marriage. have you thought about couple's counseling?

I disagree with annie24, a lot. You've talked about it with him, and that does not work. So, why try it again. When something does not work, it's foolish to just keep on trying it.

It seems very much that he wants to be in the relationship with you, that he is emotionally very attached to you that he can summon up the energy to have sex with you, when he does not want to, just so he does not lose you. He is doing it to make you happy, while he does not want it. Sounds like to me that he loves you. He just does not want to make love.

When was the last time you thought about getting him to a point at which he wanted sex? What do you do to get him in the mood? Do you grab his crotch or is there some switch you flip? These are common things I have seen and experienced from women. What do you do? Did you ever think about what might work on him? Did you ever consider what works on men in general in getting them to want sex and try some things out?

My point is this, put in the effort to seduce your man.

Also, welcome.

Beec,

Thanks for your input, I know that he loves me but I don't think he's in love with me. I have tried so many things to get him "in the mood" you name it I've done it. I have talked to male friends, I had a sex toy party, talked to female friends. The one fine day I get I have a headache then the next excuse was the tickling stuff. It's not only the sex, there is absolutely no commnuication. I'll ask how was work today and he says busy, or I'll ask what do you want to do this weekend and he says whatever. Now after 2 years and trying everything to get him to sleep with me and talk to me, I don't know what else to do I feel like it's never going to change and I think I'm young I can't imagine the rest of my life like this. I feel like he's more of a roomate than a husband. I'm a liberal wife, he goes out with his buddies to bars and clubs on the weekends, he goes to dinners and parties with his co-workers, he plays softball on Sundays, and I never tell him no or give him a hard time about it. I go out every other Friday with my girlfriends for dinner and a few drinks. He's a great father, I have no complaints in that department but when it comes to being a partner he's not there not even 50%.

thanks for taking the time to reply. Love is so hard and confusing.

Here is another poster with a similar issue to yours. Read through all the posts.

He's a man, men don't talk. I come home every day and tell her that my day was "OK." I am trying to learn a language she speaks, and in that my standard response is "good enough." He's a guy, he won't want to talk.

And in regards to everything but your sex life, things are grand. So, you talk to male and female friends and had a sex toy party, what else? Why would talking to them make a difference. What makes a difference in how he feels and what are you doing to change how he feels. What does having people over to look at sex toys have to do with HOW HE FEELS? It's the only thing that matters, the one thing you complain about, and that's what you need to look at, how can you influence how he feels about sex?

Could he be gay? Or could he be the one having an affair?

Beec

I talked to them to get their input as to what can I do to spice up my sex life, as far as the sex toy party he agreed to it. I wouldn't put him in an uncomfortable situation or have the party without his knowledge. He had friends who came along with their spouses who attended the party. He was into it, but behind closed doors it's a different story. All I'm saying is I've tried everything. It's not like I'm complaining and not doing anything to try to make it work. As far as talking he used to talked to me all the time about his day and a lot of other things in general. He used to communicate and tell me when something bothered him or when he accomplished something and he was proud of it. Again, it's not like I'm complaining because he has always been this way and now all of a sudden it's bothering me. He used to talk and we used to have a great sex life. Like I said b4 about 2 years ago all that changed and I don't know why. So should I contiue to live this way or should I tell me that we need a break?

hosswhispra,

I asked him if he was having an affair and he denied it. As far as being gay now a days anything can happen but I don't think so.

signed xxx, I don't know what you have tried. I don't. I don't see why a sex toy party would work on a guy, and I am one.

From the dual nature of the change, I don't think he's gay or having an affair or whatever. Something has changed in his head. And in order to get what you want, you need to change something to get him to feel differently.

One of the first things I would do, in this situation is stop looking for it, stop expecting anything from it, and if you can stop appearing to even want it. Sounds counter-intuitive, but nothing else has worked. (Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction, Part Two, Chapter 2, Make an indirect approach).

Second, I would try to find other things that appeared to have and that wanted my attention. Who knows, something for you to outside or inside your home. Decide to take courses and get an online degree, take up a new sport or hobby, something so he does not get as muchy attention. He can right now apparently take your readiness and attention for granted. Don't be there for him to kiss when he leaves or gets home. Soon he will miss kissing you.

Those would be my first two steps.

Then I would be looking to see how he reacted.

Beec,

I have stopped asking him to sleep with me, I have also stopped trying to initiate it. I stopped that a long time ago. I work full time and I go to school full time aside from running my home and taking care of my 2 kids. So I am very busy and I love my husband and just want to enjoy his company. I'm not saying we have to have sex everynight but I have needs as well and in 2 years when you maybe get it once a month when it that was never the case, I think I have given him enough time and I have talked to him enough to change. I have asked him to please talk to me and let me know if something is bothering him or if there is something I can do to change. Maybe there is something you don't like about me. Beec I'm willing to chagne whatever I have to, to make my marriage work but I think he needs to put some effort into this as well. Don't you think?

Thanks

please don't get upset. we are just trying to make sure you have "covered all your bases." If you read through the 14 pages of Cranston's post "Help! The sex in my marriage is hopeless, should I issue a wakeup call" - you'll see that everyone was asking him EVERYTHING about his married life. It's not meant to get the poster defensive, just to see if ALL options have been exhausted before the issue of divorce comes up.

I haven't read the art of seduction book, but I have heard people say good things about it.

why do you think he's stopped being as affectionate with you? Do you think he has ED but is too ashamed to tell you? Could that be a possibility?

How about porn, light S&M, giving him massages, etc... have you tried EVERY option to get his interest back up?

What about couples' therapy?

I don't disagree with you, but if I have anything I would want it would be for you to stay married and get what you want from him. I am not blaming you, at all. I want you to get what you want. And I know frustration has set in, but I guess I am encouraging you to look at things from a diffenret view, once again, and try some things.

My answers will not work specifically for you on your husband. But maybe this type of thinking will.

If you read the last things I posted on mbinsf's thread (I pasted a link to it earlier in this thread), you will read about tension and release. The opposite of tension and release is taking things for granted and boredom. He is acting awful bored and as if he is taking things for granted.

With my woman, I have a number of ways in which I kiss her. I use each of these ways at different times, and they come without warning or explanation. Why do I have differnet ways, because otherwise it becomes boring. The woman I knew who kissed the best when I first went out with her, became the worse after a while because every time we necked, she did the same thing. Soon he in and out motion with her mouth, which had been hot, became old hat. If she had tried something else, I would have probably enjoyed it.

My methods of creating tension, won't work with you, right now. You are at a different place. But by creating some, you will get a chance to release it. And tension and release might break him out of his rut. He's in a rut, and he does not want to be in it. But he is a man and needs to get out of it, from his view, on his own. That need not mean you cannot light the path.

I used to be a marriage counselor, and really it's hard for you to be objective when you are comparing one to the other, any affection from a man when you are feeling a major lack of it is going to feel "over the top" any attention will feel like he "understands" you, and any consideration will make you feel like you are "in love" with him.

You have 2 kids, and a husband, you need to go to counseling. All of the problems in the marriage can not be your husband's fault, tonight write out a list of things you would do if you felt you were being loved and appreciated, how would you act differently? how would you treat your husband? start doing those things. Treat him like he is doing the right things and he will start to treat you like you want and deserve to be treated. This is not a replacement for a good counselor though, you two need to sit down with a person who has no "stake" in sides, and talk it out.

xxx, yours is the age old dilemma that many of us have in marriage, thank God this place is not full of marriage bashers that want to destroy every marriage just because two people are not getting along splendidly.

Sad about the sex life, because no matter how yucky my marriage has been, we have always been able to come together in that dept. I really don't know if I could put up with all I do, if I didn't have that, so I can't really tell you what to do.

You are in treacherous waters if you decide to go with your old flame. Could it work out, sure, but many would say the studies show divorcing and marrying your affair in actuality has a low probability of working out. You will definetely suffer financial setback, maybe permanently. Your kids will probably suffer, maybe very badly, and maybe a few generations will know the sting of divorce because of your actions.

But, don't we all deserve to be happy, I know I have something deep inside that craves love and fulfillment and for sure sometimes I wish I could try to experience that with someone else, and I can guarantee my wife feels the same way.

We have two teenagers at home. My oldest is going away to college next week, there is alot of instability and tension, what is we had the divorce going? Do you think there would be a chance that she would have at this expensive, private college, i doubt it. So there is very, very much to think about.

We'll forgive the kiss, and forget about it, (hey, anyone can deserve a kiss), but once you get naked, things can really, really change and backing up can be very hard to do. Think good thoughts, I am with you! Think what is the right thing for all involved, how is this going to affect the family. When we marry, and have kids, we have to think about more than ourselves. If we think selfishly, we will probably have to pay some kind of price, what goes around comes around. It is not just about you. But saying all that, you have to make the decisions, DONT let anyone tell you what to do.

And the answer is sure, he should be trying as well. The problem is you cant make him try and this subject is so touchy to talk about.

 

You have to be willing to try alone if that is what it takes. Frustrating and not easy but I guess its a choice. I made the choice to try whatever is necessary to open myself up to rejection and potential hurt because I feel our marriage is worth saving.

 

Its hard, but I am doing okay. He is responding some days and not others and there are no guarantee that it will work out. I come here for some advice and support to keep me hanging in there.

 

Good luck and listen to Beec. He has some good advice!

Thanks mbinsf.

You make a good point too. Sometimes in a relationship, one person ends up carrying the burden. We think it should not be so, but it happens. And sometimes you have to do it to make it happen. Hopefully, you are with someone who is willing to carry you at times.

But I am sorry to say that mbinsf found out her hubby was cheating . You may want to check her thread ...

Signed xxx,

I am going through a similar thing with my wife. She let her unhappiness with our relationship build for years, then - BAM #-o , out of the blue (for me anyhow) she said she wanted a divorce and moved into the guest room. No more sex, not even physical contact other than kisses as you seem to be getting.

I HAVE changed, but she's reluctant to accept my changes.

Even though my situation is the reverse of yours (I'm the man wanting sex and my wife is the one that doesn't want sex) it is also similar. I remember getting all those excuses just prior to her announcement: "I'm tired", "That tickles", "I'm too hot", "I'm too cold", "I didn't shower today" etc. etc, etc.

In my opinion the lack of sex is indicative of something else, something he's not telling you. It took my wife ages to finally explain WHY she feels the way she does. I suspect hubby has been unhappy with the relationship for a while, but doesn't ant to give up the security, house, kids, friends, social status...

Read my posts "Am I Holding onto False Hopes" - it may help.

The way my wife FINALLY got my attention was to tell me point blank that she wanted a divorce and move into the guest room (= 2x4 upside my head). You may want to try that! Don't fall for the crying, begging and "I'm so hurt" crap - the ONLY way he will change (as I did) is to act like a man, suck it up, and get on with the changes. I did, but unfortunately I think it's too late. But the changes were for ME and they will help me in my next relationship.

Hey everyone especially Beec,

Sorry if I sounded frustrated I really was that day and I apologize. It's been rough these couple of days. I know not everything is his fault and it sounds like all this mess we have going on I'm blaming him, I'm not I know that I'm not the easiest person to live with but for all the years we have been together I have always been the same. He has changed and I have no idea why. He won't talk to me. It's not only sex, there is no communication what so ever. I still don't know what to do. Thanks for the advice. I'll keep cheking in and I'll check the other postings.

These past few days have been rough because we have barely looked at each other. We sleep in the same bed but it's like we're alone. In these days I have come to realize that I really don't feel anything anymore. I have felt it before but I wasn't sure. I have been blaming him for the way I am feeling. Last night I built up enough courage to let him know how I feel. After our girls went to bed (we don't argue or discuss our problems in front of our girls) I told him that we needed to talk, I told him that I was going to say things that were going to hurt but I needed to be honest, so I told him that the love I had for him has deminished and that we need to do something together to make it work or we should just separate for a while to see what happens. I told him that if he decides to separate I don't want him to leave maybe we can live together as room mates for the sake of the girls. He got mad when I told him and he said I'll just sleep in the living room and this is done. I said please don't leave let's talk about this to see what we can do, after begging him to stay he did and I continued to tell him that I was sorry and that I never thought I would feel this way but after not feeling any love and affection for so long I think what I felt for you slowly went away. He said I don't know what we are supposed to do with this, and I said I don't either but I had to tell you how I was feeling. He didn't say anythign else and I don't know what he's thinking. I feel like now what? I haven't spoken to my ex and I have no intention on talking to him or seeing him. I told him that I need to work this out.

Did I do the right thing in being honest? Should I try talking to him again since he didn't say much last night or should I just let it be? Should I reiterate that I think we need to separate for a while? I'm so confused.

I'll hear out anything you can give me. Thanks.

Annie24

I suggested counseling a year ago and he said no he doens't want to tell his problems to someone he doesn't know. I have tried the massages, edible underwear, crotchless underwear, toys, videos, candles, bubble baths, rose petals on the bed, edible body paint, whip cream, I have gone from romantic to raunchy using leather and handcuffs, I have worn sports jersey's with nothing underneath. I had gained weight with my second pregnancy I was the biggest I have ever been at 170 lbs once the baby was born I went down to 158 lbs. I have worked my butt off to lose weight and be in shape. I went from a size 10 to now being 123lbs. and a size 2. I didn't have any stretch marks from the pregnancy

(thank god). I'm now in the best shape ever. So I feel like I have tried everything, I don't know what else to do.

Leave him alone for a little bit.

Despite what you said to him, your very words and actions tell me that you love your husband. Not without frustrations, not without some other emotions, but you did not tell him to stay because your are indifferent. Can you see that? Can you see that you do have some feelings for him in your heart? You love him.

What's the problem then if you do love him? The problem is that you don't feel loved. Am I right? Because if I am, then I think you do need to tell him a few more things.

Hardcharger,

You are right about there being a lot to think about being that there are kids involved. I feel like I deserve to be happy but I also feel selfish. Is it fair to my kids that I'm going to break up the "happy" home they know because I need to be happy? At the same time if this is what's going on now I can only imagine what our life is going to be like in 5 years. So the thought of living another 30-50 years like this is unbearable. Should I end my relationship now that my kids are young (2 1/2 & 4) or should I continue to work at it hoping that he will change and what if he doesn't then I will end it in 5 years when my girls are 7 & 9. I know that it sounds negative thinking he's not going to change but like I said before this has been ongoing for 2 years and he hasn't changed yet. This is so hard!!!

Camber,

It sucks we're going through this!! I'm sorry you feel it might be too late for your marriage. I'm afraid to get to your point, when he realizes what's been going on it's going to be too late. There is only so much hurt, rejection, and embarrassment one can take. I thought telling him that my love for him has deminshed would be a BAM for him like it was for you, but Like I said I didn't get much back. good Luck!!