Feel my life slipping away.... but not fast enough

Paradigm whines some more. That's always good.

I don't think I'm long for this world. Whenever things are supposed to improve, they do a 180 and crap out.

Here's the digest version: in the past month or so I have started my new job, had my birthday (meh) and though I was going to put things on track. You know, get out there, have a more positive image, chill with my (count on a hand) friends, look for a girl, etc.

Instead, I feel terrible. Absolutely awful. I've been at various doctors and hospital in the past month for a throat infection (with side effects of pain elsewhere, whee). I've had all the medicines you can think of (and I have to pay for them now, oh the irony) and I am getting worse. Now I can barely eat (serious pain doing so) or drink (worse pain). Sleepless nights of coughing up, check. Time off of work after just starting there, check. Social interaction gone down the pan, check.

At least this time I could say my birthday really sucked and provide a legitimate reason beyond 'it was mine.'

I'm really scared this is something serious, but at the same time I don't really care if it is...? Careful what you wish for...

I really feel like giving up. I mean, I always feel like that anyway, but I was hoping to try and kick that habit. Instead I'll fall on my backup plan and wait to get a diagnosis of something really bad (probably a fortnight after it kills me) and expire, having achieved nothing in this world, a lonely, pointless wreck.

Envious of you all, I remain, PP.

For the 3 who read this, thanks for being my finger-grasp on sanity.

Sorry to hear about your recent decline in health but your medical condition parallels your life. It's just easier to be sick, then I have no expectations from life..or at least that is what I am reading from all of this. Like a doctor often has to adjust treatments and medicines to cure an ailing patient, we have to try different tactics and make adjustments in life to get the results in which we desire. As you have learned that medicines can be trial and error, so is our approach to life at times. Get off of your butt, get back to work and fight like hell to get what you want out of life. If you can do this now in this time of adversity, you can do it anytime at the snap of a finger in the future.

RC

Have you considered tonsillitis? Changed doctors?

Otherwise it seems that you are lonely and frustrated. That way you do not look well after yourself.

That way you won't find someone decent. You want to build yourself up.

Building yourself up takes power which is something you feel not to have.

What bothers you, hurts you and makes you angry?

Try and stop being so hard on yourself. I must be hard not knowing exactly what is wrong. This is a season of a health challenge. Of course you are likely to feel ut of sorts while your trying to get well. Just try and take a day at a time and as your body gets better your mind and spirit will also feel stronger.

It will be a load off your mind to get a diagnosis and know what is going on. Please try and rest for now. All the answers will come and this is a season which will pass.

Have you considered tonsillitis? Changed doctors?

If they were still there, I'd b agreeing with you, but I never had tonsilitis this agonizing before.

What bothers you, hurts you and makes you angry?

Aheh. About this situation, or in life?

This thing - the pain, the lack of relief, the fact I can't function at work properly anymore (and am new there anyway and making enough slip-ups without this hanging over me), taking time off so early into a new job, the prospects of going to hospital and having no job to support it, terror coming from hunger and thirst... that's pretty much a covering letter version.

Life - lack of direction, mental health, physical pain, everything above, thinking about a girl I'll never have day and night (and have to see regularly), hopelessness, feeling like an outsider 24/7, strong inklings to permanently put things right (you know what I mean)... stuff like that. Fun time.

For those who replied (3 - can I call 'em?) my gratitude to you as always. I feel like a person! Briefly.

You got to sort your body. Then look after your job.

Love yourself! Develop a direction. Fill your mind with positive thoughts and expectations and work to meet those.

Here are some more ideas:

Most important to remember and perform.

This is the most important part of this guide. Please take it seriously as your success largely depends on it.

• You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
  
• Look after your body and love yourself!
  
• When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
  
• You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
  
• You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
  
• Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
  
• Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
  
• Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
  
• Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
  
• Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
  
• Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
  
• Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
  
• Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing, a journal and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
  
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
  
• Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!