Love and the Sex addict.Break up?

GothicLolita · 07-31-2006, 09:31 PM

I don't know if I should try No contact,talking or just throwing in the towel
and get the rest of my things and end it?. I'm a very forgiving person but I don't want to live like this anymore,surporting him while he lies and doesn't try to help himself. I'm know this is a typical story but I don't know what I can do at this point,to not be co-dependent on him in my life and be strong enough to do whats right for me/us.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2years,living together for about 1year
He is 26 i'm 19 .During 80% of relationship I/we've been fighting over his sex/porn addiction,he's gone to extreme lenghts to get his "fix" even so far as turning his PSP into a porn machine,phone sex on his work breaks,texting/emailing sexual comments to girls and his PDA turned cheat central,I had to ask to him to get rid of his PSP because he was using it for negitive things as for the PDA this weekend I found out he was visting sites,DP and blondes...you get the picture.

It crushed me that for the past 3 months i've been trying to just give him trust,only for him to still be a sneeky liar...I know I deserve better but I want to work it out,because I spent so much time trying to help him get over his addictions,and we've had some good times.

Today I decided to take my things and move back with my mom today, untill he decides if this relationship is worth more to him then other women and porn.At first I cried,but then I felt relief that I don't have to watch him when he gets online or when he plays with his phone.He hasn't tried to make contact all day other then when he walked me to the trains,and I doubt he will,but before I left he acted all depressed

, Also being he recently lost his job I'm not sure what might happened,while i'm gone,he's into escorts and has contacted them in the past before we lived together,but says he never met up with any of them.

I'm starting colleage next week and i'm stressing over this relationship move,I feel its not gonna fase him and he's just gonna use this time cheat on me,I saw he was signed on AIM using a screen name he told me was deleted,I haven't even been gone more then 5 hours!,he's in New jersey and i'm in the Bronx, btw.

Thanks for any help you can give,i'm at a total loss.

SwtMary · 07-31-2006, 09:42 PM

Honey, I hate to state the obvious but this guy is no good for you. You are so young, why would you want to put up with this?

In what ways did you help him with his addiction?

GothicLolita · 07-31-2006, 09:57 PM

Thanks for your honesty,I showed him sites for help,he bought a book on addiction but I doubt he read it.even went to a meeting once.

icemotoboy · 07-31-2006, 11:55 PM

Hi GothicLolita,

I have struggled with the problem your BF has for some time, you can see from some of my posts.

I'm actually at work at the moment, so can't post a decent response. But flick me a PM if you need too.

Winniepooh · 08-04-2006, 07:27 PM

GothicLolita, I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through and totally understand because my boyfriend is also a sex addict.

It started with porn - as a means to get off. After a while that becomes a bit boring so you look to something else - sex phone lines, which are really expensive. So he ended up on the internet, which is free. He's been a member of numerous websites - most probably still is. He's used a webcam - really gets off on that one, having women watch.

He chats to women on line, on these sites, with a view to getting their numbers and calling them for phone sex. He can spend hours looking for his fix. Can literally masturbate for hours until he's sore.

I found out about his addiction when I noticed that he was spending a lot of time online and rarely speaking to me - I found a profile of his online which was active and this prompted me to check his phone (which I had never done before). I found a whole load of text messages between him and some girl he has met on line the night before and had had phone sex with.

Since then I have found him on numerous websites - I have even set up fake ID's and spoke to him on occasion, trying to catch him out to see if he will take it to the next level.

He's joined Sexaholics Anonymous and went there for a while but didn't find it very useful - he didn't really get any help and said it would have been better if he had a sponser or something. We've bought several books - read loads of stuff on the net etc.

I've tried helping him - I went over to house and he gave me all his porn and a webcam. I went on his computer and put on some cyberpatrol software which stops him accessing any porn sites, chat rooms, dating sites etc.

It's hard and I don't know what advice to give as I don't know what to do for the best - when you love someone it's really difficult to know what to do. You leave and you lose them but equally they don't deserve you as they aren't prepared to give the relationship 100%.

Addicts lie, and they are good at it. They will never ever tell you the truth unless you catch them out - you can't trust them.

07-31-2006, 09:31 PM	#1
GothicLolita Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Jersey city ,NJ Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 26	Love and the Sex addict.Break up? I don't know if I should try No contact,talking or just throwing in the towel and get the rest of my things and end it?. I'm a very forgiving person but I don't want to live like this anymore,surporting him while he lies and doesn't try to help himself. I'm know this is a typical story but I don't know what I can do at this point,to not be co-dependent on him in my life and be strong enough to do whats right for me/us. I've been with my boyfriend for 2years,living together for about 1year He is 26 i'm 19 .During 80% of relationship I/we've been fighting over his sex/porn addiction,he's gone to extreme lenghts to get his "fix" even so far as turning his PSP into a porn machine,phone sex on his work breaks,texting/emailing sexual comments to girls and his PDA turned cheat central,I had to ask to him to get rid of his PSP because he was using it for negitive things as for the PDA this weekend I found out he was visting sites,DP and blondes...you get the picture. It crushed me that for the past 3 months i've been trying to just give him trust,only for him to still be a sneeky liar...I know I deserve better but I want to work it out,because I spent so much time trying to help him get over his addictions,and we've had some good times. Today I decided to take my things and move back with my mom today, untill he decides if this relationship is worth more to him then other women and porn.At first I cried,but then I felt relief that I don't have to watch him when he gets online or when he plays with his phone.He hasn't tried to make contact all day other then when he walked me to the trains,and I doubt he will,but before I left he acted all depressed , Also being he recently lost his job I'm not sure what might happened,while i'm gone,he's into escorts and has contacted them in the past before we lived together,but says he never met up with any of them. I'm starting colleage next week and i'm stressing over this relationship move,I feel its not gonna fase him and he's just gonna use this time cheat on me,I saw he was signed on AIM using a screen name he told me was deleted,I haven't even been gone more then 5 hours!,he's in New jersey and i'm in the Bronx, btw. Thanks for any help you can give,i'm at a total loss. __________________ Miss Gothic Lolita :evilbat: Last edited by GothicLolita; 07-31-2006 at 10:02 PM. Reason: Language

07-31-2006, 09:42 PM	#2
SwtMary Offline Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Georgia Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 130	Honey, I hate to state the obvious but this guy is no good for you. You are so young, why would you want to put up with this? In what ways did you help him with his addiction? __________________ "If its cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile" RF

07-31-2006, 09:57 PM	#3
GothicLolita Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Jersey city ,NJ Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 26	Thanks for your honesty,I showed him sites for help,he bought a book on addiction but I doubt he read it.even went to a meeting once. __________________ Miss Gothic Lolita :evilbat:

07-31-2006, 11:55 PM	#4
icemotoboy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Wellington, NZ Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 1,009	Hi GothicLolita, I have struggled with the problem your BF has for some time, you can see from some of my posts. I'm actually at work at the moment, so can't post a decent response. But flick me a PM if you need too. __________________ The IMB Facts of Life: 1. No contact, or punch him in the face. Anything else is more than he deserves 2. Life is not what you see, its how you see it 3. You can't swim unless you're in the water. So get in it. Then you have a choice. Swim, or drown 4. Being wrong is an opportunity to be right next time 5. Suffer, grow, overcome. The path to happiness

08-04-2006, 07:27 PM	#5
Winniepooh Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: uk Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 5	GothicLolita, I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through and totally understand because my boyfriend is also a sex addict. It started with porn - as a means to get off. After a while that becomes a bit boring so you look to something else - sex phone lines, which are really expensive. So he ended up on the internet, which is free. He's been a member of numerous websites - most probably still is. He's used a webcam - really gets off on that one, having women watch. He chats to women on line, on these sites, with a view to getting their numbers and calling them for phone sex. He can spend hours looking for his fix. Can literally masturbate for hours until he's sore. I found out about his addiction when I noticed that he was spending a lot of time online and rarely speaking to me - I found a profile of his online which was active and this prompted me to check his phone (which I had never done before). I found a whole load of text messages between him and some girl he has met on line the night before and had had phone sex with. Since then I have found him on numerous websites - I have even set up fake ID's and spoke to him on occasion, trying to catch him out to see if he will take it to the next level. He's joined Sexaholics Anonymous and went there for a while but didn't find it very useful - he didn't really get any help and said it would have been better if he had a sponser or something. We've bought several books - read loads of stuff on the net etc. I've tried helping him - I went over to house and he gave me all his porn and a webcam. I went on his computer and put on some cyberpatrol software which stops him accessing any porn sites, chat rooms, dating sites etc. It's hard and I don't know what advice to give as I don't know what to do for the best - when you love someone it's really difficult to know what to do. You leave and you lose them but equally they don't deserve you as they aren't prepared to give the relationship 100%. Addicts lie, and they are good at it. They will never ever tell you the truth unless you catch them out - you can't trust them.