What Do I Do?? He Cheated!!

My Fiance cheated on me while I was pregnant. Several times. It was a work related affair that continued through sexual acts and flirting throughout our entire relationship and ended a few months ago when this other women left the job.

He never told me until I confronted him with it after the other girl had told me. (We happened to be friends for several years prior to this). He admitted to everything. HOWEVER, through my pregnancy, I sensed something was wrong. I could just tell from his behaviour and whenever I would ask him questions calmly, he would freak out on me and cause a huge yelling match saying that I need to stop being paranoid or we will not last. Most of the time the fight would end by him walking out and me being sick to my stomach. ( I was in and out of hospitals many times due to stress and almost lost the baby, but thankfully I didn't).

I feel like he is a comlete liar. Not just about the affair, but in many situations. The affair just topped it off.

I know he has a lot of problems from his past and that is the reason he continuously lies but it really scares me that he can lie so freely, and that he will stop at nothing to protect his lies. I could have supported him through lying, and any problem that he needed help with but with this affair I just feel so violated and crushed.

Now he promises me that he will stop all the lies and that he will NEVER cheat again, but I'm stuck debating if this is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, now that I know the whole truth and see the person he really is. It scares me a lot because I loved this man more than I've ever loved anything and I absolutley loved what we had together.

I can't believe he did this to me and our family. (We have 2 kids).

It hurts so bad that he would be even ABLE to commit to sexual acts with someone other than me. I could have never done that to him. I feel like we may never be the same. I feel like all the love I had for him has been wrecked. And I feel that now I only love what I thought he was.

As much as he promises me things will be better, Is this the man for me??

I feel like he doesn't deserve me, but I don't wanna let him go cause I believe he will be better in the future.

I am in counselling now, and even my counseller doesn't understand why or how I could still love him and want to continue this relationship. I am starting to ask myself that and it really is troubling that I cannot come up with an answer as to should I stay or is it best to go.

Thanks all for your gentle words and kind help.

-CaughtUp

Hey There,

Welcome to enotalone!

My, that is a tough situation you are in. I'm sorry that you are hurting.

It does sound like a tough choice to make. Here you have two young children with someone who completely violated your trust repeatedly with lies and infidelity.

I guess the big question is, after all his lies, can you trust that he won't do it again? How can he prove to you that he is trustworthy?

Is HE willing to attend counseling sessions with you?

I don't know if I could trust him if my ENTIRE relationship was side by side with this affair. It's not a one-time error where he is extremely regretful and shows you that by doing everything possible to regain your trust. This affair lasted pretty much the length that you have been together.

I wonder what your reasons for wanting to stay are, (the children? You can often be better parents apart- he has shown he does not respect or love you by his actions... other reasons?)

All I can say is that you deserve someone who would be thrilled to be faithful to you, honest with you, and who shows you he appreciates, loves and respects you with his actions.... whereas everything your present bf has done shows you otherwise.

What are your reasons for wanting to stay with him?

Do you honestly think you would ever be able to trust him again?

As a couple, are you good role models for your children? Do you think this is a healthy and respectful relationship?

Lots to think about.

Meanwhile, we are here for you, so feel free to vent anytime!

((HUGS))

I don't know. I realize you've got 2 kids together. But, speaking personally, If I even suspect cheating, or some sort of betrayal, I just cannot continue any sort of closeness with that person. It must be really hard. And you were already pregnant when you began to suspect, so it wasn't as easy for you to just cut loose and run...Do you think you can trust him ever again? Even if he really does never cheat again, could you forgive what he's done?

Hello CaughtUP, and welcome to ENA.

I am sorry you are having such a horrible situation with your fiancé cheating. You definitely have some thinking to do and some serious decisions to make.

You mentioned that you feel he is a liar all along , and not just about the affair . So there must be other occasions you have felt he has deceived you and lied to you.

I am feeling that you are now, at the end of your rope with prior lies from him and then finding out about the affair just " topped off" things for you.

I had a similar situation with a cheating boyfriend, whom lied to me many times, deceived me and cheated physically with another woman. I did what I thought was the right thing the first time that he cheated on me.

I gave him another chance, but he continually hid his indiscretions . He never changed his ways, even after making promises to never do it again. He was a chronic liar, and I should have seen how he was long before it went too far.

Some people may be able to change. IN my opinion I do not believe that the majority of chronic liars and cheaters will ever change. They may make promises and feed you all the lines that you want to hear. For me I could never ever trust my BF again. NO matter how much I told myself that he would change , I could never get to a point where I would trust him anymore.

I honestly do not think this is the man for you , nor do I think the he would be different or better in the future. I may be wrong, but based on my experience and other people that I know that have suffered similar situations...... I do not see him changing for the better.

Most people that I have read about and given advice to here about cheating situations usually have similar thoughts , in that the trust will never be fully regained and there will always be a doubt in your mind throughout the relationship.

I understand that you have children involved, and I hate that you have such a guy in your life that would hurt you like that with the cheating.

But do you really want to raise you children with a man like this? If this were to ever survive as a relationship there would have to be much counseling for the both of you, separately and together.

For me I could never even regain the physical desire for the man that physically cheated on me and had sex with another woman.... all the while professing his undying love for me. It was sickening to me.

For me cheating and lying would be a deal breaker, kids or not. I just feel that most cheaters ( men and women ) , never change and always have that propensity for cheating again.

It is not un-common for someone to dismiss this type of behavior by their partner, simply because their relationship has developed into their comfort zone...and without that other person, the comfort zone is no longer in place. You have children with this guy, and now, not only are you wanting to stay in this relationship because it is what you know and are comfortable with...but you, whether you feel it outwardly or not, are protecting those kids' feelings...A very positive trait of a good mother...nonetheless, it is hurting you.

Look, the feelings you feel still for this person are left over from the beginning, where things were fresh, and new, and you had not seen THIS side of him. You will find that down the road, when you are completely healed from this, you will develop those feelings for someone else and be able to feel over the top for someone else...who hopefully treats you and your children the way you should be treated. I hope I have helped, and I hope things work out for the best!!

Which one of these quotations does not fit the pattern?

A).

I feel like he is a comlete liar. Not just about the affair, but in many situations. The affair just topped it off.

B).

It was a work related affair that continued through sexual acts and flirting throughout our entire relationship and ended a few months ago when this other women left the job.

C).

I was in and out of hospitals many times due to stress and almost lost the baby

D).

I'm stuck debating if this is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, now that I know the whole truth and see the person he really is

E).

I don't wanna let him go cause I believe he will be better in the future

The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior...That, and the fact that he only stopped seeing the other woman because she left her job tells us that he probably won't stop screwing you over.

Obviously, relationships can survive infidelity. Something is telling me that infidelity is the least of your problems with this guy.

The best way to predict future behavior is past behavior...That, and the fact that he only stopped seeing the other woman because she left her job tells us that he probably won't stop screwing you over.

Oh, this is too true. My s/o has has three jobs in our time together and guess what...An affair at each one!!! The only way I've been able to stay here with him is total detachment!

WOW! Thanks everyone. That's a lot to think about. We are both in individual counselling and trying to learn to deal with this situation. But all your responses do help quite a bit and I really appreciate you all taking the time to help.

I really feel like I'm stuck in a position. There isn't a moment in the day that goes by that he isn't begging for me back. Though we are still living together, (for the kids and financial reasons on both our behalfs), I have told him that I can not feel the same for him anymore, without counselling and him proving to me that he DOES deserve me.

The problem is, is that he is constantly questioning me as to, do I think this is going to work out?. I don't have an answer to give him. The truth is, is that I don't know.

I do know that I loved what we had very much. He was so affectionate and caring. He would drop anything on a dime for me. He was what I thought, everything I ever wanted in a man, especially when it came to emotinal respect and his personality.

Is it foolish of me to think that he really IS all these things? If so, What was the infidelity about then?? He says he just made a mistake and could never do it again, but I don't understand why after being so perfect with me, would he do such a thing. AND carry it on so long. He says he was just greedy and wanted what he knew he could have at work, and still come home and have me.

We both were eachothers everything. We held eachother on such a pedastal. We were always together having the time of our lives. I never with held sex from him, so that just can't be an excuse.

I just don't get it.

Anyone see hope in our relationship?

I do love him, or should I say, I truly loved what he portrayed to me while he wasn't messing with this other woman.

Don't know what to think guys.

Thanks again for all your thoughts!

Honestly it doesn't look like he is really regretful over it, why?? Because this wans't a just one drunken mistake, he carry on this for so long on multiple occasions. And when the other woman told you about this, then he starts acting genuine sorry and so affectionated and when asked why, all he tells you "Cuz I was greedy", umm, I dunno but to me he could be evcen faking through all this, afterall he was able to fake the BS for sooo long, why wouldn't he doit now???

Personally if I was you, I wouldn't care what his excuse were, kids or no kids, it would still be a deal breaker, wanna knwo why??? Because I would know very well that I don't believe this kind of treatment, unacceptable, and I will not stand being replaced. To me replacement would be like "Ok mister, so I'm not good enough for you, not good enough to be your true best friend, later then".

Plus, if the other woman didn't told you about it and if she wouldn't have left the job, do you honestly think he would have been sorry?? He's showing the typically behavior that's called "Only being sorry that he was caught".

I tend to agree with Ailec on this one.

This was not an isolated incident that he was truly regretful for. This was a lengthy affair, a second relationship, that he carried on for a long time, all the while you were carrying, giving birth to, and raising his children.

I just don't think I could forgive that.

He put your sexual health, emotional well being, and family at risk-- he thought only of himself.

As for how he portrayed himself to you, I think he was a really good liar and a really sneaky person.....

This other relationship does not indicate love, respect, kindess, nor care for you or your children.

I am afraid that I could not forgive that myself, personally. A one time incident for which he was truly regretful and trying everything to prove to me he would earn my trust back, I might consider-- but not this. It's just too much.

I wonder if he is just sorry that he got caught more than anything else.

Ailec1987 ...Hmmm...That sure makes me think. Maybe I'm just toooo understanding and forgiving.

These thoughts have crossed my mind prior, but I've always dismissed them and convinced myself that he IS sorry because of how much he claims to love me and how much he pleads that this was such a huge mistake that he'd never make again.

Feeling a little nieve,

-CaughtUp

Yea, but he can be faking it too, remember how actions speak louder than words and you wouldn't want to get burn twice.

In order for him to get your trust back, he would have to do more than just words, more than just hugging you or saying sorry, that's not enough. If you indeed do wanna work it out (it would be over for me), don't do it for the kids' sake, they're very perceptive and know when the relation is not working and they will suffer, don't do it for financial money either, do it cuz you're willing to work it out, cuz you're willing to forgive him, in other words cuz of your free will.

Are you two in couple counseling by the way??

It's so hard to stay with someone who has deceived you, It's so hard to leave someone you love!

Does a compulsive liar stop??-No!

This man had an affair with the same person for a long period of time, he developed feelings for her and would still be having this relationship had she not broke it off. What does that tell you? He may not be capable of being faithful to you.

I know from experience that they will lie and tell you what you want to hear so long as you don't make them leave! No one can tell when it's time to leave or understand why you want to stay, this is a decision you have to make.It's hard, give yourself time, the door to leave will always be there for you to open and you don't have to make up your mind today. Use wisdom in your choices, the pieces of the puzzle will present themselves soon.

OP:

I'm gonna weigh in one more time, I really don't think this guy is good for you. You'll always feel like second choice, at best.

Even if you spent the entire rest of your life alone, isn't that better than trading in your dignity for 'second best'?

I think you need to realize that all the I Love You's and Im Sorrys and Ill never do it again's are just words. That's all they are. They arent promises, or contracts, or some crystal ball with the truth etched in them...they are simply WORDS. He lied, he cheated, and he completely decieved you, and because he was CAUGHT these words are the only thing he has to convince you not to leave. Please dont hang your hopes on them. He is saying them to get you to stay. That's all. There is no grand awakening, this is not an epiphany, it's HIM getting CAUGHT and EXPOSED for the bald faced pathologial liar and con man that he really is. That is ALL it is. Dont read too much into it. Liars lie at will, he did it before and he's doing it now. Why expect anything more? He is a liar. thereforeeee, when in doubt, assume he's lying.

You have a choice here. You can choose to recognize that behind the words is NOTHING but a liar and a cheater who didnt care for you or this relationship enough to be honest and faithful. Then you can tell him no thanks, and walk away, be sad for a bit but know that you deserved to be treated better than this and that you will one day meet someone who you won't have to be suspicious of, who says I Love You and means it, and you wont be sitting here wondering if he really means that because he will prove it every day....you will be happy, not sad. OR

You can take back a known liar and cheater and live in fear, doubt, sadness, anger, and worry for a while longer until he does it again down the road, probably around the time you begin to let down your defenses and trust him again....making the pain a million times worse than that which it is now because you were betrayed not once but twice.

Personally, I dont see this as much of a choice, girl. And you know what you have to do. You save yourself, you stop believing in lies, you accept that you cannot change him and that he is NOT the man you think he is, you suck it up, and you walk away now.

Salt

[quote name=saltwatergirl

]the I Love You's and Im Sorrys and Ill never do it again's are just words. That's all they are. They arent promises, or contracts, or some crystal ball with the truth etched in them...they are simply WORDS.

Oh, this is good, may I use this for my signature!

The one thing I have come to realize is that the longer you stay with a person like this the more you stay in a confused state of mind. It becomes harder and harder to know what is real and what isn't. Somedays I feel like I'm going out of my mind and everything is a blur.... You can't just look at them and tell whether or not what they are saying is fact! Hell, they can tell you the sky is blue and you know it should be but you have to go check because you know you cant trust a word that they say!

Hey Caught Up,

Welcome to enotalone, and I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

Honestly, if I was in your shoes....I don't think this is a hurt I could get past. Even if I could forgive, I could never forget...and that would affect me and my relationship forever I feel.

When you needed him most during a risky pregnancy, he was giving another woman his time and attention. When he should of come clean...well he did not until he was forced to essentially. When he should of ended it..he didn't, it only ended when she left.

I agree with others that the best indicator of future behaviour is the past...now sure, some people DO change, but he does not seem to show much remorse for what he did. And I am sorry, but the fact he thought he could have what he wanted at work, and home, shows a lot of disrespect for you and a lot of selfishness.

I can't tell you WHAT to do, all I can is that..it does not have to be this way. I know it is difficult to also think of leaving, but it always is. It does not mean that taking the "easier" route of staying is better. It does not mean you will not find great happiness, respect and love. I also know it's more difficult as you have children you worry about.

There is hope of a new life, one where you do not live with this fear, and confusion, and sense of betrayal. Let me just say my father cheated on my mother by having a couple lengthy affairs. At first, she forgave him after a lot of pleading and promises. And then, he did it again. She was devastated but like you...so confused and unsure she could do it on her own. She had a degree, but had been a stay-at-home mom while she had her babies as he wanted her to do so and due to his job which meant he was away a bit. She wanted to stay for...you guessed it, the children, and because she WAS at that time financially dependent on him due to being out of work force.

Finally, when she was 7 months pregnant with my baby sister, he decided he did not want "the responsibility of commitment and marriage" anymore and decided to leave for his mistress (whom he married and had another child with within next year). I know it hurt her terribly, but...she grew strong, she took very good care of us on her own (three young kids 7, 2 & newborn), enrolled back in school while working and vowed to never do that again. He may have made the "decision" for her in a great sense, but...she ran with it and really made a better life, and I am so proud of her for that...in my eyes, she did the true leaving. I would of been crushed really if she stayed with my father (or had choice too) while he treated her that way, and it would of truly messed up MY ideas of relationships and love. She met my stepfather a few months later....and they have been together 20 years now. Absolutely faithful, loving, supportive. And he has been there through trying times - like her current battle with cancer - and he has never strayed from her side.

Whatever you choose, good luck sweetie. You will need it. But before you make a decision, remember to base it on what you and your kids DESERVE, and don't base it out of fear of being alone...because you will NEVER be alone. You have great children, and I am sure family & friends, and of course our support.

Oh, this is good, may I use this for my signature!

 

Sure!

Salt