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I miss my mistress :(


Potoman

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It's been 2 months since we broke up and I was happy to be without her for the first month or so. She was pressuring me alot and it was getting a little stressful toi keep arranging for times to meet ..

 

But without her I'm facing the inescapable emptiness that comes from staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids.

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Then do your wife and kids a favor and get a divorce.

 

Your wife deserves a faithful and loving husband and your kids deserve a father who is commited to the family.

 

You shouldn't force yourself to stay in a marriage "just for the sake of the kids." It's not fair to your wife or children.

 

If you really do want your marriage to work then you need to go to marriage counselling with your wife to see how you can make your marriage work. Otherwise, your wife and children are destined for more hurt in the future.

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Are you sure that you just dont miss the excitement of having a mistress? You didn't mention why you missed her, just that your feeling empty. Please try to work on the marriage, but if you really don't think there is any hope, get a divorce. But be aware that the mistress might be appealing because of the fantasy.

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You know staying for the sake of the kids usually does the opposite of what you intend.

 

Children are very perceptive, and know when something is amiss. No matter how hard you try to fake it. They also learn from what they see what is normal and expected when they grow up. I know a couple people whom have a true fear of marriage now because while their parents stayed married, they were miserable, and they truly believe that is what marriage "is". Sad, really. It is also very unfair to your wife, whom deserves a committed, loving partner as well.

 

If you truly want to save this marriage, I urge you to put effort into that through counselling, rather than spending time thinking of your ex-mistress. Otherwise, you will remain miserable and feeling this way. What you may be missing right now is the fantasy and the escape, rather than the mistress herself. And that sets you up for future affairs, so work on the marriage properly, or leave and then you are free to see your ex-mistress or another woman without guilt or without cheating.

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Are you sure that you just dont miss the excitement of having a mistress? You didn't mention why you missed her, just that your feeling empty. Please try to work on the marriage, but if you really don't think there is any hope, get a divorce. But be aware that the mistress might be appealing because of the fantasy.

 

I'm well aware of the fantasy part. I'm pretty sure that if I moved in with her, the whole relationship would have a good chance of going to sh*t in time.

 

I miss having someone who loves to be with me. Someone who gives me a nice long backrub without me asking just because she knows I like it. Someone who cancels our dinner as we're about to walk out the door because she' d rather spend the night in bed with me. Someone who calls me just to tell me she can't stop thinking about me. Someone who is estatic when I bring her flowers, or a small gift. Someone who reponds to a hug and a kiss with a smile.

 

Compare that to the sour-faced, nagging wife ..

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I assume that there is a more than a reason why you are staying in your marriage rather than for the kids. Do you really think its doing your kids any good to see their parents in a loveless marriage?

No - the kids is the only reason. If it were not for that - I'd have left long, long ago.

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Then do your wife and kids a favor and get a divorce.

 

Your wife deserves a faithful and loving husband and your kids deserve a father who is commited to the family.

 

You should force yourself to stay in a marriage "just for the sake of the kids." It's not fair to your wife or children.

 

If you really do want your marriage to work then you need to go to marriage counselling with your wife to see how you can make your marriage work. Otherwise, your wife and children are destined for more hurt in the future.

That's just polyanna crap. My wife "deserves" nothing. There's nothing to work out. She's a verbally abusive, self centered person. I've tried everything to work it out and now I'm done. I have no interest in working it out with her.

 

My kids, on the other hand, do deserve a good life. I want to be with them every day since we're very close. As bad as the marriage may be, I'm in no hurry to subject them to the insecurity and stigma of divorce.

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Never, never, never stay in an unhappy or loveless marriage for the kids. My mom did the same thing. She and my father have been married for 35 years and their divorce will be finalized this summer. At the beginning of all this, my mom said, "I stayed for you kids..." Let me tell you, I felt like a piece a crap after that. Not good at all. It is not an admirable gesture at all and your children will not be grateful, believe me. I am in therapy for this, not the whole reason, but a good portion. Kids will adjust, the parents need to be happy. You are doing your wife and your children by engaging in affair (which my mom did as well, extremely hurtful and I am devistated) and huge disservice to everyone by staying.

 

"That's just polyanna crap. My wife "deserves" nothing. There's nothing to work out. She's a verbally abusive, self centered person. I've tried everything to work it out and now I'm done. I have no interest in working it out with her."

 

Get a divorce. There is no excuse for cheating. None whatsoever. I really feel bad for your kids. They always are the ones whom get the short end of the stick because the parents do not want to take responsibilty for their actions.

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Hmmmmm have you ever considered that your "sour faced nagging wife"

may be tired of YOUR sh** too?

 

Are you romantic with your WIFE?

Do you hug and kiss your WIFE?

Do you send your WIFE flowers and cards??

 

My guess is NO...hmm gee wonder why she is

"sour faced".

 

Mistresses get to see the "good side' of the married man. The side with NO kids, no housework, no bills, no expectations, NO STRESS. Welcome to the world of marriage Poto. I hate to be the one to break it to you...but

marriage is NOT a fantasy...what you had with your Mistress IS....and chances are ..in time, your mistress will have that SAMe sour face as your wife.

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I'm in no hurry to subject them to the insecurity and stigma of divorce.

 

Um, I bear no insecurity and stigma from my parents divorce. My father cheated on my mother, I KNEW they were both unhappy and were not right together at a VERY young age. When they went their separate ways, my home environment felt healthier, happier and I never doubted I was loved.

 

Both my parents went on to have relationships with people whom were MUCH better suited for them (actually, my father married his last mistress and has been faithful since - and my mother met my stepfather whom is incredibly supportive and loving), and they have both been happily moved on with other partners for 20+ years now. And seeing my parents' HEALTHY relationships with others was MUCH better for my perspective and own relationships than if they had stayed together.

 

A divorce does not take fatherhood away from you.

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I agree with kellbell and RayKay, dont stay in your marriage for the sake of the kids because the kids will feel responsible for it, even if you dont let them in on it. Kids are very sharp and perceptive and can pick up on things. Although my parents never divorced, their marriage was very unhappy. My mother stayed married to my dad because, as she said, "she didnt want us to suffer the stigma of a divorce", and because my grandma (her mother) disapproved of divorce and would have cut my mother out of her will if she divorced my dad. Both my brother and I knew that my parents had marital problems even though they didnt talk about it much. My dad cared deeply for us and kept us out of it. When I got into high school, my dad cheated on my mother and my mom confided in me about the details of their unhappy marriage. Basically she forced me to choose sides and when I refused to, she blamed me for the deterioration of their marriage. It got so bad that I ended up leaving CA to go to school in the Midwest because I wanted OUT and didnt want to deal with their crap.

 

As a result of my parents marital problems, I have a distrust of guys and I also tend to be a people pleaser because I am afraid of people hating me. My brother hasnt settled down yet and keeps gfs only for a year or so, before dropping them. My mom is pressuring my brother to get married soon and give her grandkids.

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Hmmmmm have you ever considered that your "sour faced nagging wife"

may be tired of YOUR sh** too?

 

Are you romantic with your WIFE?

Do you hug and kiss your WIFE?

Do you send your WIFE flowers and cards??

 

My guess is NO...hmm gee wonder why she is

"sour faced".

 

Mistresses get to see the "good side' of the married man. The side with NO kids, no housework, no bills, no expectations, NO STRESS. Welcome to the world of marriage Poto. I hate to be the one to break it to you...but

marriage is NOT a fantasy...what you had with your Mistress IS....and chances are ..in time, your mistress will have that SAMe sour face as your wife.

 

I totally agree.

Stop being so concerned about making yourself feel good and satisfied. And take care of the one you made the commitment to. If you can't do that than they should know NOW sooner than later when more hurt is brought to the home.

 

Staying for the kids, is NOT a good decision.

It's better to have 2 seprate stable loving homes for your children than one unstabble unloving & unhappy home.

 

You can be that good loving father you want to be happy alone if that's what you want. But don't live two lives pretending to be something you're not.

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Someone who cancels our dinner as we're about to walk out the door because she' d rather spend the night in bed with me. Someone who calls me just to tell me she can't stop thinking about me. Someone who is estatic when I bring her flowers, or a small gift. Someone who reponds to a hug and a kiss with a smile.

 

So you're looking for someone to date, not have a relationship with. I'm sure if you treated your wife as nicely as this woman, she would also treat you this way.

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Question:

 

When's the last time you took your wife flowers or a small gift?

When's the last time you helped your wife around the house?

When's the last time you and your wife had a weekend to yourselves?

What has your wife done for you in the past week?

 

Unfortunately, marriage isn't all rosy-face happy stuff. A mistress gets to have fun, and not deal with anything. I noticed you broke it off as soon as she was 'pressuring you and it was becoming stressful.' Did you ever think maybe some of the problem lies with you and your idea that marriage is all nicey nice all the time?

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Just a comment ... we don't really know your story, and we should be careful not to prejudge. Regardless of whether we feel you are righ tor wrong, we should exists to help you look at things from various viewpoints, and they shouldn't all really be completely negative.

 

Sometimes (and perhaps I too will get taken to task for saying this) there do seem to be reasons to stay in a situation where others might not. Things tend to go bad in some relationships over time if the initial reasons for being together were not correct, for example.

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That's just polyanna crap. My wife "deserves" nothing. There's nothing to work out. She's a verbally abusive, self centered person. I've tried everything to work it out and now I'm done. I have no interest in working it out with her.

 

Then do her a favor and get a divorce.

 

And yes, she DOES DESERVE a FAITHFUL husband when you both made your marriage vows.

 

My kids, on the other hand, do deserve a good life. I want to be with them every day since we're very close. As bad as the marriage may be, I'm in no hurry to subject them to the insecurity and stigma of divorce.

 

I can guarantee you that your children already feel insecurity and I rather have the stigma of divorced parents than the stigma of abusive ones who can't stand each other.

 

Stop using your children as an excuse.

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i think your being selfish and putting your happiness before everbody elses. if your wife finds out you have a mistress you are hurting your wife and your kids and then your wife will file for a divorce your kids will hate you and hears my question is your mistress really worth all this?

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Staying there for the sake of the kids, you make you more miserable. Kids are ver perceptive and can tell right away when the relation between their parents is not functional. Not only will you and your wife suffer, but your kids too. If you stringly feel that the marriage can't be salvage and that there isn't love anymore, nor it's heading anywhere, then do her and your kids a favor, file for divorce, instead of continuing an affair, it's not fair nor for her nor your kids.

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Staying there for the sake of the kids, you make you more miserable. Kids are ver perceptive and can tell right away when the relation between their parents is not functional. Not only will you and your wife suffer, but your kids too. If you stringly feel that the marriage can't be salvage and that there isn't love anymore, nor it's heading anywhere, then do her and your kids a favor, file for divorce, instead of continuing an affair, it's not fair nor for her nor your kids.

 

Yeah - well I haven't continued the affair. I haven't seen her in 2 months. But you all have a very interesting perspective on the divorce thing .. thank you for that. Maybe I do need to reconsider the wisdom of that choice.

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Potoman, you say that you have not been seeing her for two months now. That is a long time and things might have changed. Maybe she is already in a relationship with someone else.

 

First you should know if she is still interested and not involved with someone else. Maybe that will solve your dilema.

 

Then you should follow your heart.

 

Children dont want to be the cause why their parents stay together and they dont love their parents any less when they are separated.

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Potoman, you say that you have not been seeing her for two months now. That is a long time and things might have changed. Maybe she is already in a relationship with someone else.

 

First you should know if she is still interested and not involved with someone else. Maybe that will solve your dilema.

 

Then you should follow your heart.

 

Children dont want to be the cause why their parents stay together and they dont love their parents any less when they are separated.

 

I emailed her the day before yesterday. She emailed back saying shed like us to go to dinner together. She's a little cold still, but I suspect that won't last long. I sure can't wait to see her ..

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