loving a sex addict please dont judge

nikkers04 · 06-27-2006, 02:48 PM

Well...I'm sure alot of you have already been following my story. here is a short rerun for all of those who havent. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. He cheated on my 1 year ago and we broke up for awhile....he begged me back promised he had changed. That was about 6 months ago. Things were great. We moved in with each other the beginning of this month (June 2006)

Well just last weekend I learned he has recently cheated on me with 2 girls. 2 different situations.

He says he doesn't do it to hurt me he is just insecure and when he is with other girls it makes him...have a higher self esteem. I was talking to one of my friends who is a phycology major. And she brought to my attention that maybe it is an addiction. I started doing some research. I honestly believe thats what he has...just as if it were drugs or alcohol. I blamed it on me for the longest time...that I just couldn't please him or we couldn't have sex enough thats why he strayed...but that isn't the case. All the lies and excuses he comes up with denying it going out of his way for it when he could easily just come home to me for it leads to what they say about sex addicts.

I dont really know what kind of advice I want from you guys maybe this was just for me to vent. Maybe some one knows a good councelor or some kind of help line that way I can help him of course if he wants to be helped.

I have told him I will leave if he doens't figure something out. I told him if he wanted to go to counceling I would go with him if he wanted or I would do anything but he needed to do something

sorry this was so long

RayKay · 06-27-2006, 02:56 PM

Well the chances of him having a sexual addiction are pretty low really. And he would display a lot more than just cheating if he did. And in this case I think calling it an addiction is an excuse to not take action to leave this dud.

Quote:

All the lies and excuses he comes up with denying it going out of his way for it

This is also what CHEATERS do, and people whom KNOW they are doing wrong but CHOOSE to do it anyway.

I don't know many cheaters whom are honest about what they are doing...and I guarantee they are NOT all "addicts"! That is way too general of conditions to use to call someone an addict.

I think he just is unfaithful, selfish and irresponsible personally.

It's not your fault - you are right on that. But it is his.

Just an FYI, in my experience people in psychology tend to look for a diagnosis for everything to show of what they learned in class

But you cannot make a diagnosis without an in depth study of the person. Nor can you until you are trained and experienced.

I think he is just walking all over you as he knows he can, he cheated before you took him back, he did it again as he had no true remorse or willingness to address it.

Even if he WAS addicted, it does NOT mean you need to stay at the expense of your own physical and emotional health.

Scout · 06-27-2006, 03:02 PM

If he is a sex addict, no one should be in a relationship with him until he overcomes it.

If he isn't a sex addict, no one should stay in a relationship with such a selfish cheater.

nottoogreen · 06-27-2006, 03:04 PM

Hi nikkers,

You just moved together, too bad. I am so sorry about your predicament.

RayKay explained about the guy already. He will cheat again.

What about your feelings in a year in 5, 10 years?

I suggest you move out and go strict NC.

We will always be here for you.

nikkers04 · 06-27-2006, 03:10 PM

Yeah your guys advice is great but nobody knows everything thats happened and everything that goes on. Everyone says dumb him...I realize this but i think its alot easier to let go. We have a life together a lease on an apartment both signed on a car. If his problem isn't an addiction by all means I'm out...but i'm not going to walk out on him (what if it really is a problem?) He knows i'm serious about my actions and if he wants to fix or help the relationship he knows he needs to get help...but its up to him if he wont go get help i'm out...I haven't told him that part.

Arrowsmith · 06-27-2006, 03:11 PM

Nikkers04, the way I see it some people are good at/willing to control their behavior and others aren't. The people who aren't (the people our society calls "addicts") can be very destructive to the people around them. Whether their lack of self control is voluntary or not is a philosophical issue that, while important in some contexts, should not be important to you is deciding whether to be with him or not. Your decision should be based on whether he adds to your life or subtracts from it (and whether he is likely to add to or subtract from your life in the future). Don't get caught up in whether or not he is accountable for his behavior.

RayKay · 06-27-2006, 03:13 PM

It IS a problem. He is putting your life and health at risk, what more do you need?

There are many people whom have a "life together" and have to take a stand for themselves and leave a cheating partner. My mother was 27, with 2 kids and 7 months pregnant with another one, a house together and a stay at home mum at the time when she said ENOUGH to my dad and got a divorce. After also repeated affairs and the same lines. A lease can be broken, a car sold.

Best decision she ever made, and she is much happier now with someone whom respects her and is faithful - they have been together 20 years. And we as kids were better off too.

He has to actually WANT to change. If he did not want to do so a year ago apparently, why would he now?

Beyondthesea · 06-27-2006, 03:16 PM

If his problem isn't an addiction by all means I'm out

Sorry but I can pretty much guarantee this isn't an addiction. I also take psychology and have taken abnormal psych. If he actually was addicted, he would have cheated probably 20 times since then. Someone who is addicted just cannot control themselves in the best of situations.

I really believe what is wrong is that he's a cheater, plain and simple. You staying with him and making excuses for staying together isn't making him change.

I truly believe that it's time for you to move on. You are only 20 years old, and already having this severe of relationship problems? Forget it! What will it be like 5 years from now? Not worth it.

nikkers04 · 06-27-2006, 03:19 PM

again I thank you guys for you advice/opinions

kellbell · 06-27-2006, 03:21 PM

Never stay with a cheating partner due to a lease or a car. They are just THINGS. Like RayKay pointed out, a lease can be broken and a car can be sold. Those things should be the last of your worries right now. Deal with one thing at a time.

I am not sure about the sex addict thing. Even IF he did have the addiction, it does not excuse his behavior. He should seek help for it, he can only help himself. Staying in this relationship is not going to prompt him to get help, it is going to show him what he can get away with. I have a Master's in Pyschology and sex addictions, TRUE ONES are rare and his behavior does not fit the diagnosis. It sounds like he is evading taking responsibility for hurting you and your grabbing at straws at this point.

I truely feel you deserve better.

06-27-2006, 02:48 PM	#1
nikkers04 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 748	loving a sex addict please dont judge Well...I'm sure alot of you have already been following my story. here is a short rerun for all of those who havent. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. He cheated on my 1 year ago and we broke up for awhile....he begged me back promised he had changed. That was about 6 months ago. Things were great. We moved in with each other the beginning of this month (June 2006) Well just last weekend I learned he has recently cheated on me with 2 girls. 2 different situations. He says he doesn't do it to hurt me he is just insecure and when he is with other girls it makes him...have a higher self esteem. I was talking to one of my friends who is a phycology major. And she brought to my attention that maybe it is an addiction. I started doing some research. I honestly believe thats what he has...just as if it were drugs or alcohol. I blamed it on me for the longest time...that I just couldn't please him or we couldn't have sex enough thats why he strayed...but that isn't the case. All the lies and excuses he comes up with denying it going out of his way for it when he could easily just come home to me for it leads to what they say about sex addicts. I dont really know what kind of advice I want from you guys maybe this was just for me to vent. Maybe some one knows a good councelor or some kind of help line that way I can help him of course if he wants to be helped. I have told him I will leave if he doens't figure something out. I told him if he wanted to go to counceling I would go with him if he wanted or I would do anything but he needed to do something sorry this was so long

06-27-2006, 03:02 PM	#3
Scout Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 7,292	If he is a sex addict, no one should be in a relationship with him until he overcomes it. If he isn't a sex addict, no one should stay in a relationship with such a selfish cheater. __________________ If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. * * * One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. - Dale Carnegie * * * Bob Ross rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOpF_ZGD4Ps

06-27-2006, 03:13 PM	#7
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	It IS a problem. He is putting your life and health at risk, what more do you need? There are many people whom have a "life together" and have to take a stand for themselves and leave a cheating partner. My mother was 27, with 2 kids and 7 months pregnant with another one, a house together and a stay at home mum at the time when she said ENOUGH to my dad and got a divorce. After also repeated affairs and the same lines. A lease can be broken, a car sold. Best decision she ever made, and she is much happier now with someone whom respects her and is faithful - they have been together 20 years. And we as kids were better off too. He has to actually WANT to change. If he did not want to do so a year ago apparently, why would he now? __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

06-27-2006, 03:16 PM	#8
Beyondthesea Offline Gold Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: where the streets have no name Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 1,606	If his problem isn't an addiction by all means I'm out Sorry but I can pretty much guarantee this isn't an addiction. I also take psychology and have taken abnormal psych. If he actually was addicted, he would have cheated probably 20 times since then. Someone who is addicted just cannot control themselves in the best of situations. I really believe what is wrong is that he's a cheater, plain and simple. You staying with him and making excuses for staying together isn't making him change. I truly believe that it's time for you to move on. You are only 20 years old, and already having this severe of relationship problems? Forget it! What will it be like 5 years from now? Not worth it. __________________ _____________________________ Dreams are renewable, whether you're five or 105, you have a lifetime ahead of you. ~Rev. Dale Turner It's never too late, in fiction or in life, to revise. ~Nancy Thayer Every day you sit back and wait for something to happen is another day lost. ~Jennifer Flavin

06-27-2006, 03:21 PM	#10
kellbell Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 4,334	Never stay with a cheating partner due to a lease or a car. They are just THINGS. Like RayKay pointed out, a lease can be broken and a car can be sold. Those things should be the last of your worries right now. Deal with one thing at a time. I am not sure about the sex addict thing. Even IF he did have the addiction, it does not excuse his behavior. He should seek help for it, he can only help himself. Staying in this relationship is not going to prompt him to get help, it is going to show him what he can get away with. I have a Master's in Pyschology and sex addictions, TRUE ONES are rare and his behavior does not fit the diagnosis. It sounds like he is evading taking responsibility for hurting you and your grabbing at straws at this point. I truely feel you deserve better. __________________ "Let your soul be your pilot, let your soul guide you, it will guide you well." Sting <---- me and my mom :) "Get busy living or get busy dyin', damn right..." Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption. Last edited by kellbell; 06-27-2006 at 03:24 PM.

06-27-2006, 03:04 PM	#4
nottoogreen Offline Join Date: May 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 2,530	Hi nikkers, You just moved together, too bad. I am so sorry about your predicament. RayKay explained about the guy already. He will cheat again. What about your feelings in a year in 5, 10 years? I suggest you move out and go strict NC. We will always be here for you.

06-27-2006, 03:10 PM	#5
nikkers04 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 748	Yeah your guys advice is great but nobody knows everything thats happened and everything that goes on. Everyone says dumb him...I realize this but i think its alot easier to let go. We have a life together a lease on an apartment both signed on a car. If his problem isn't an addiction by all means I'm out...but i'm not going to walk out on him (what if it really is a problem?) He knows i'm serious about my actions and if he wants to fix or help the relationship he knows he needs to get help...but its up to him if he wont go get help i'm out...I haven't told him that part.

06-27-2006, 03:11 PM	#6
Arrowsmith Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: California Posts: 114	Nikkers04, the way I see it some people are good at/willing to control their behavior and others aren't. The people who aren't (the people our society calls "addicts") can be very destructive to the people around them. Whether their lack of self control is voluntary or not is a philosophical issue that, while important in some contexts, should not be important to you is deciding whether to be with him or not. Your decision should be based on whether he adds to your life or subtracts from it (and whether he is likely to add to or subtract from your life in the future). Don't get caught up in whether or not he is accountable for his behavior.

06-27-2006, 03:19 PM	#9
nikkers04 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 748	again I thank you guys for you advice/opinions