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dumper/dumpee long term psychology


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I've been through many situations where I was dumped and many where I dumped. I've noticed a pattern here, especially with most recent ones.

 

When I was dumped I went through the long painful healing process that I am going through now. Toward the end I tend to develop a rather negative view of the dumper. The passionate fires are gone, I'm left with all their lies and indignations, and I see them as somewhat pathetic, stupid, immature, and even really f%^ked up people. I know I pass a point of no return. I have seen my ex wife recently, who dumped me, and I sense that she wants to be friends, maybe even more (I could tell by how she looked at me) but I am just polite, but otherwise hurry to get her out of my sight and space. I only noice how much she's aged and I don't have to deal with her.

 

Now, when I have been the dumper, I gave little thought to the ex at the time, and went through little or no pain. But over time I came to remember the nice things about them, and even somewhat idealized them. When I met them again I was astonished how they had become harsh toward me. (but that's the way I'd be if they had dumped me). I even wanted to reconnect, but they emphatically did not!

 

I think this is a general rule:

 

Dumper - no pain initially - positive feelings later toward dumpee

Dumpee -pain initially- negative feelings toward dumper later

 

Q: Do others have comments of similiar experiences like this?

I can tell you, I have developed really really negative feelings

toward my latest ex who dumped me and let me find out on the street she was marrying someone else two weeks later. She's an emphysemic, alcoholic, nicotine addicted, drug addicted, self absorbed old wh%re. And that opinion is only likely to get worse in my mind's eye as time goes on.

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It really depends on how the breakup happened. .

 

 

I agree with what bobo85 said about it probably depends on how the breakup actually transpired and why.

 

I was the "dumper" when I found out my now ex Bf was cheating, lying and deceiving. The only part that hurt me was everything that I found out he was doing behind my back. I do not think he would ever dumped me had I not found out. He was the type that wanted his cake and eat it too. He loved the games he was playing with me and the other women.

 

When I broke up with him, I did feel a sense of hurt for a very very short time, but I realized what a creep he was. I think most of my hurt was due to the fact I felt like I had been made a fool of.

 

He was such a creep though that I could never see myself looking back and finding the "nice things" or " good things" about him. To this day I have NO positive feelings or thoughts toward or about the "dumpee" ( my ex bf ).

 

I would never in a million years entertain the thought of reconnecting with him in any way.

 

So thats my story as the "dumper".

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I believe there is a lot of truth to what you are saying.

 

When I was in high school I was a jerk - meaning I conditioned myself psychologically for this. The first time I ever tried to break up with a girl she cried so much, that I gave in and said let's try this again. The next day I broke up with her for good because I knew I said let's try this again purefully because I felt so rotten. Afterwards, I would let the girl dump me so I would never deal with this again. I would force a girl to break up with me, and I learned very quickly that it was just a matter of time before we bumped into one another and she wanted me back so bad. You just disappear for a while, take care of yourself, etc., and they see you and think why did they break up with you. Slightly manipulative, all psychology, but pure jerk.

 

Since then I have grown up. I got sick of these games. And I do believe what you say is true:

 

- A couple of girls I have dumped I still think about. I wonder how they are, what they are up to in their lives, etc. I have positive thoughts about them, and I hope that they are happy wherever they are. I wish them only the best.

 

- I have been dumped once in my life when I still deeply cared about her. I had a ton of pain. It's what brought me here originally. And today, I don't have a single positive thought or comment about her. I generally don't think about her, but from time to time yes. I don't care how she is, who she is with, or if her life is ok. When I think of her, it just reminds me of the qualities I do not want in a girlfriend - eventhough I once cared for her and was happy with her.

 

I think much of it is you dumped someone - you had little pain. These ex-mates were not terrible, there was comfort there, there was happiness there.

 

When you are dumped and have tremendous pain, the last thing you want to do is go back to that. All it reminds you of is disappointment and failure.

 

Now what I do when I am interested in someone is take it slow. Get to know them little by little. Don't rush into anything too fast. I believe you should keep your life and interests, and slowly phase them into it. Develop a solid foundation of friendship, trust, and compassion. I won't have sex with her until after a few months. If she's the right girl then I will have sex with her for a loooong time. Taking it slow, developing a meaningful relationship, and still maintaining my life and myself is what I have learned through dating - sadly I learned this through being dumped, but in the end am glad I did. I also learned that I am not God's gift to women, and stop treating many of them like crap. I learned, I matured, and many of the rough edges were refined. But I still think I have some growing up to do.

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Dumpee -pain initially- negative feelings toward dumper later

 

Q: Do others have comments of similiar experiences like this?

 

Typically, I'd agree. For the most part, I have no desire to see or talk to the women I've dated in the past. The level of avoidance, for lack of a better term, various with the oarticular person.

 

The most recent instance is somewhat different. I've talked myself into hating her after months of lovingly missing her. However, I don't think this hate will last as I can feel it disipating already. Ultimately, despite the hurt I felt as a result of getting rejected, I still think if her as a good person. The hate was just a tool that I used to force myself to break my connection to her.

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I agree with a lot of what you're saying.

 

*most* of the time the dumper will feel some delayed remorse. *especially* if they broke the heart of the dumpee; acted cruelly toward the dumpee at the end; moved on quickly with someone else and flaunted it in the dumpee's face. AND - if the dumpee carries out the NC rule without any exception.

 

In most cases, in the long run, the dumpee might be better off. Typically the dumpee takes time to mourn, heal, maybe improve themselves. As long as they aren't a little gunshy the next time around, the dumpee might be better positioned to have a successful relationship next time round.

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I pray every night that my ex, who dumped me, has found someone else and is enjoying all the things in life she always wanted. I will think fondly of her one day when I am completely over the breakup. I wont give in to anger or hatred of her because I know what harm it does.

 

I dated a girl for three years who dumped me, but a year went by and it was so obvious she wasnt the one for me. I went on to meet someone much better...and will this time too.

 

 

Orlander

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I pray every night that my ex, who dumped me, has found someone else and is enjoying all the things in life she always wanted. I will think fondly of her one day when I am completely over the breakup. I wont give in to anger or hatred of her because I know what harm it does.

 

Hey Orlander,

 

I can understand you try to think fondly of your ex. But how can you pray that your ex has found someone else and is enjoying all the things in life she always wanted, instead of coming back to you?

How did you actually move on like that? I really want to know how you to do that. Cause I can try not to be angry at my ex, but can't pray for him to find someone else.

What's your secret?

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blueberrypie, I do still get angry sometimes, but it is usually followed shortly by me telling myself to let the anger go and...

 

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it."

 

Nice quote huh? That one really stuck with me when I found it. How apropos here.

 

How do I manage to pray for happiness for my ex? Well, a close, dear friend of mine, who is a recovering alcoholic (now in his 23rd year of sobriety) told me a three months ago that wishing happiness and love for your ex is a method prescribed for those in AA. It's in the Big Book, as my friend calls it.

 

From what I have been told, there is a wealth of information in the AA manual that could benefit us all. After all, I hope none of us fools ourselves into thinking that what we are doing here isnt getting over our addictions. We all are.

 

Orlander

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You're a genuis mate, summed it all up right there.

 

I would like to PARTICULARY second:

 

And today, I don't have a single positive thought or comment about her. I generally don't think about her, but from time to time yes. I don't care how she is, who she is with, or if her life is ok. When I think of her, it just reminds me of the qualities I do not want in a girlfriend - eventhough I once cared for her and was happy with her.

 

To be honest, thats how I have ended up thinking about my ex, once I finally let go.

 

My previous relationships, the ones I have dumped, or the ones I have been dumped by but wasnt that into, occasionally I will think of them. Usually with either indifference, idol curiosity, or positive memories.

 

I believe ALOT of how you feel about an ex is related to your judgement of your "life" now relative to their "life". I think that as a dumper, it can sometimes be quite tough to see an ex who has sorted themselves alot more than you have.

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I went through feelings of being so angry and disappointed in my ex... I pushed him to cut off all contact because the times we did speak on the phone, I tried taking slight digs at him, told him that the way he left me was almost cruel and cowardly. I think considering the way he left me that was to be expected. I did the best I knew how to at the time. Had I known what I know now, maybe I wouldn't have contacted him at all to avoid pushing him even further away. I actually did something I now feel really bad about. He was in a band and still plays small gigs but nothing on a major scale... barely a minor scale. So months later when I briefly dated a musician signed to a major label, I sent his friend an email talking about that relationship, making myself sound sooo happy and flaunting this new guy. Well I have no way to know if that got back to my ex, but I assume it did and feel really stupid about it now. It wasn't a good thing to do but I was so hurt and wanted to show him that I could do so much better. (Immature, I know.) I sometimes still wonder if that encouraged him in any way to get engaged just a few months after that.

 

My ex has issues, many issues. He's a couple years older than me and incredibly immature. He doesn't follow through on things, dropped out of college because of partying and just ended up with the loans, doesn't intend on going back to school and doesn't seem quite motivated towards anything- although he is suppose to get married in September.... well he ended up treating me like the dumper when I said I was seeing someone. He was extremely mean and actually said our relationship had meant nothing at that point. We haven't had any contact since then.

 

However I have done so much soul searching and growth that I almost feel bad for him. I'm still angry at times and miss him at times, even though looking back he was not the right partner for me because he was just trying to live up to my standards and in the end, didn't have the drive or ambition. He wanted to just get by in life and drown himself in substances on a weekly basis, playing small gigs in local bars... not my lifestyle.

 

Anyways, my point is, lol, that I can still wish the best for him because I did really love him. I would even want him to have a better partner than his fiance... I was surprised to see that she supported his lifestyle, is most likely his only way out of his parents house as she is a bit older, isn't very attractive... it just didn't make sense and added to my confusion as I realized that she was honestly not on my level in any way. It's as if he quickly settled after cutting off contact with me. Perhaps he is happy thought because he found something that was comfortable and didn't push him to be more responsible, ambitious or make much of a change. I never tolerated the drinking, smoking, etc... I guess I was too hard on him as many people smoke, but I just wanted the best for him. I can recognize those mistakes that I made as well.

 

I think when you really love someone, eventually you reach a point where despite their mistakes and flaws, you can appreciate the good qualities and just wish from afar that they discover a healthier path and ultimately find happiness. It's not always easy, but I think it is all part of eventually really learning to let go and heal yourself. Wishing him harm wouldn't bring any positivity into my own life.

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I'm not angry at my ex for breaking up with, nor the cowardly way she did it. But I'll be damned before I say I still love her. Sure I care for her a little, but I realized I made a few mistakes by partaking in a relationship where you give and you get very little back. My fault for putting faith and love in the wrong person. But these are moments I can have again... It just tears me up that I don't know when..

 

Anyway, I do agree with this psycology. It makes perfect sense. You do get anger at the dumper for crushing your feelings proverbially beneath their feet. You do consider them selfish and traitorous. You do pity yourself and turn that pity to anger when they move on with somebody else because you think you were not good enough for them but somebody else is.

 

I hated all these feelings. I don't even like her now, but my heart says otherwise. But I guess the first love of your life is always hard... I'm still only on the 3rd day of NC and seeing her blog.... There is still a lot anger and longing along the way.

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  • 3 months later...

I think a lot of it depends on why the relationship ended. I still can't decide if I was the dumper (ie: I'm the one who called it as not working) or the dumpee (after she met someone else in a relationship where we had no formal exclusivity committment (except we did emotionally)).

 

Based on this thread I'm the dumpee but that seems to pat to me. I think in a relationship where you're both adults and you both realize that it's not working (and there's no cheating or lying going on) both parties probably feel equally crappy.

 

Just my $.02 USD

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I guess you could call me the dumper since I was the one who moved for the divorce and initiated NC in the end. However, my emotions are more like your dumpee because I was the one who was abused and treated like sh*t by my husband. I doubt I will feel positive about him anymore. It seems like the longer time goes by, more and more negative memories that I have shut out comes back. I also cried and had a lot of pain throughout.

 

Or perhaps I was the dumpee in a way, because I finally had enough of his behaviour and drew a line. Either we fix the relationship and he stop blaming me for every little thing that goes wrong in his life (its my fault if he gets spam!) or it was not workable anymore. The torrent of abuse and ugly language he responded with was his answer. He "dumped" me, even if I was the one contacting the lawyers and getting the contracts written up.

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  • 11 months later...

This is a really interesting thread. I really am so confused about psychology of it all. I am the dumpee, and I do get very angry with her now four months later. I don't know if it's just my ego, or the fact I had my doubts about the relationship but never wanted to hurt her. She was very fragile in a way. When I think of these doubts I had, I remind myself that I wasn't in the right headspace for a committed relationship. That said, even after I remind myself, I do get very bitter about it all. Particularly because I did stick it out when SHE put our relationship under strain (going away for 2 mths). Yet, SHE was the one who overly said she missed me etc......and yet, I only got a week when she came back. I still wonder if something happened.

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My one and only gf dumped me, but I am confident she doesn't remember me. We turned into strangers quick. It made me feel like I was a sex offender cause how she wouldn't hang out with only me cause it was too akward.

 

Definitely women don't give a damn, the memory leaves them and they have no second thoughts about them (if it is the usual NC going on) Even if they work at the same place it is just like NC or strangers. So no way. I would ague otherwise.

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I would say what you've said is accurate for those situations where there's very poor communication and/or emotional or sexual cheating. When I've been the dumper, 6 months later seems like a lifetime ago and I've moved on the others and at least intially think nothing about my ex. Later, be it due to guilt of whatever, I realize the good things and have wanted to be friends, which of course the dumpee totally opposes as you have said.

 

As the dumpee, 6 months seems life yesterday, and I still replay the end of the relationship and of course all of the hurt and anger daily. I noticed my ex, curiously enough, contacted two ex's when she was with me because she felt badly for how she'd left them....of course, you never think it's going to happen to you when you're in love with someone as I was. I suspect, a year or two up the road, I'll hear something from her. Now I'd freak out, but I can also see that my resolve to keep moving ahead has hardened and it's unlikely in a year or so I'd have much to say to her anyway. Interesting post.

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  • 2 months later...
"Dumper - no pain initially - positive feelings later toward dumpee"

 

Uhm, wrong. This is not always the case. I am speaking from more than one experience where this is far from the truth.

 

Yeah. My first experience as the dumper was pretty painful. I broke up with him because he was distancing himself. I hoped he'd try to make amends, but he didn't.

 

Second break-up as dumper - no pain, just relief, and no hard feelings towards dumpee (we're friends/good acquaintances to this day).

 

As with every relationship, it depends on the circumstances and the reason for the break-up.

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I wonder if the way the dumper acts post-break up makes a difference...

 

My previous ex cheated on me, didn't respect me and treated me poorly towards the end of the relationship and made me feel like the break up was my fault (I didn't find out that he cheated on me until much later). Immediately after the break up, he was gentle and sensitive with me and still talked cutesy with me until I couldn't handle being his friend and stopped all contact. Even after stopping contact, I found out from mutual friends that he asked if I was doing okay and checked my blog frequently. It made me feel like he still cared enough to check up on me. I hated him in the beginning and the memories were painful and his behavior post break-up made it that much harder and longer for me to move on. But over time, I found peace and the memories turned sweet. I can honestly say I just want him to be happy and I'm glad that he found someone he really connects with. (My rationale is if he dumped me for someone, better it's with someone he is supposed to be with, than with a low class rebound.) So yes I have positive feelings for him despite all the wrongs he did.

 

But with my last ex (four and a half months out and still in the healing process), I feel like I've accepted things and for the most part have moved on, but just cannot let go of the anger. Even though he never cheated on me, treated me and respected me far better than my previous ex, and "technically" didn't do anything wrong. After we broke up, he never approached me once, never showed he cared. Like most dumpees, I cried, emailed, poured out my heart to him, and though he always made time to listen to me, he always very firmly rejected me without explaining things to me. I know he really believed I was the one and that he's hurting terribly too which is why he completely shut me off. I also know that in the end how he acted towards me probably helped me move on faster (although not easier). But I just can't let go of the anger. I feel extremely rejected by him and angry that he didn't want to try anymore and that he'd rather be single and alone than with me. I feel like he just threw everything we had away because of a misunderstanding and refused to communicate and do the emotional work on the relationship. For that I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive/understand/let go of my anger for him. Every time I see him, I want to shake him and kick him.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that I think post break up behavior may play a role in how we remember someone or eventually evalute the relationship. Even though my previous ex was selfish and a cheater, I FEEL that he cared about me because he was gentle to me and checked up on me while I KNOW it was out of guilt and selfishness. But a guy who cherished me and thought I was the one for him, I FEEL that he was a coward and abandoned me from his cold behavior to me even though I KNOW he is hurting deeply. But emotionally, it's the last ex that I think I will always feel anger and resentment towards.

 

Or maybe I'm just weird...

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yeah, i think it depends. i've dumped most of the people i've been involved with even though it really has always felt that they dumped me because they weren't committed, honest, loving or good to me in pretty much any way (i've been with a string of jerks). the last guy i broke up with i felt a lot of pain about because i felt mostly sorry for him for being so lost and confused, but didn't miss him too much physically, just wished he'd been a different person.

 

i do always still miss the love of my life that broke up with me. it was a totally dysfunctional relationship and he wasn't committed to me and i wasn't at a good place in my life, but i always wish we could be in touch. even though i think i'd always be sort of jealous of his girlfriend........ as she would also be jealous of me! yeah, the pain about that one doesn't go away- just the first real love sort of thing

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  • 2 months later...

Yeah, that all makes a lot of sense. I would think this is true in most cases. I do think this will happen with my ex, because I know what he is like and the way we broke up, etc. but by then, as you say...I'd have probably moved on, or just realise I couldn't trust him again (I already feel like I don't think I'd be able to trust him again, but the love, etc. is too strong to just let go totally yet...if that makes sense) This is an olldd thread, but it's a good'un

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