dumper/dumpee long term psychology

searching1951 · 06-24-2006, 06:27 PM

I've been through many situations where I was dumped and many where I dumped. I've noticed a pattern here, especially with most recent ones.

When I was dumped I went through the long painful healing process that I am going through now. Toward the end I tend to develop a rather negative view of the dumper. The passionate fires are gone, I'm left with all their lies and indignations, and I see them as somewhat pathetic, stupid, immature, and even really f%^ked up people. I know I pass a point of no return. I have seen my ex wife recently, who dumped me, and I sense that she wants to be friends, maybe even more (I could tell by how she looked at me) but I am just polite, but otherwise hurry to get her out of my sight and space. I only noice how much she's aged and I don't have to deal with her.

Now, when I have been the dumper, I gave little thought to the ex at the time, and went through little or no pain. But over time I came to remember the nice things about them, and even somewhat idealized them. When I met them again I was astonished how they had become harsh toward me. (but that's the way I'd be if they had dumped me). I even wanted to reconnect, but they emphatically did not!

I think this is a general rule:

Dumper - no pain initially - positive feelings later toward dumpee
Dumpee -pain initially- negative feelings toward dumper later

Q: Do others have comments of similiar experiences like this?
I can tell you, I have developed really really negative feelings
toward my latest ex who dumped me and let me find out on the street she was marrying someone else two weeks later. She's an emphysemic, alcoholic, nicotine addicted, drug addicted, self absorbed old wh%re. And that opinion is only likely to get worse in my mind's eye as time goes on.

bobo85 · 06-24-2006, 06:37 PM

It really depends on how the breakup happened. My ex fell out of love with me and at the same time met someone else. So i felt betrayed and yes i do haev negative feelings towards my ex.

coollady1957 · 06-24-2006, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobo85

It really depends on how the breakup happened. .

I agree with what bobo85 said about it probably depends on how the breakup actually transpired and why.

I was the "dumper" when I found out my now ex Bf was cheating, lying and deceiving. The only part that hurt me was everything that I found out he was doing behind my back. I do not think he would ever dumped me had I not found out. He was the type that wanted his cake and eat it too. He loved the games he was playing with me and the other women.

When I broke up with him, I did feel a sense of hurt for a very very short time, but I realized what a creep he was. I think most of my hurt was due to the fact I felt like I had been made a fool of.

He was such a creep though that I could never see myself looking back and finding the "nice things" or " good things" about him. To this day I have NO positive feelings or thoughts toward or about the "dumpee" ( my ex bf ).

I would never in a million years entertain the thought of reconnecting with him in any way.

So thats my story as the "dumper".

gersanos · 06-24-2006, 07:00 PM

I believe there is a lot of truth to what you are saying.

When I was in high school I was a jerk - meaning I conditioned myself psychologically for this. The first time I ever tried to break up with a girl she cried so much, that I gave in and said let's try this again. The next day I broke up with her for good because I knew I said let's try this again purefully because I felt so rotten. Afterwards, I would let the girl dump me so I would never deal with this again. I would force a girl to break up with me, and I learned very quickly that it was just a matter of time before we bumped into one another and she wanted me back so bad. You just disappear for a while, take care of yourself, etc., and they see you and think why did they break up with you. Slightly manipulative, all psychology, but pure jerk.

Since then I have grown up. I got sick of these games. And I do believe what you say is true:

- A couple of girls I have dumped I still think about. I wonder how they are, what they are up to in their lives, etc. I have positive thoughts about them, and I hope that they are happy wherever they are. I wish them only the best.

- I have been dumped once in my life when I still deeply cared about her. I had a ton of pain. It's what brought me here originally. And today, I don't have a single positive thought or comment about her. I generally don't think about her, but from time to time yes. I don't care how she is, who she is with, or if her life is ok. When I think of her, it just reminds me of the qualities I do not want in a girlfriend - eventhough I once cared for her and was happy with her.

I think much of it is you dumped someone - you had little pain. These ex-mates were not terrible, there was comfort there, there was happiness there.

When you are dumped and have tremendous pain, the last thing you want to do is go back to that. All it reminds you of is disappointment and failure.

Now what I do when I am interested in someone is take it slow. Get to know them little by little. Don't rush into anything too fast. I believe you should keep your life and interests, and slowly phase them into it. Develop a solid foundation of friendship, trust, and compassion. I won't have sex with her until after a few months. If she's the right girl then I will have sex with her for a loooong time. Taking it slow, developing a meaningful relationship, and still maintaining my life and myself is what I have learned through dating - sadly I learned this through being dumped, but in the end am glad I did. I also learned that I am not God's gift to women, and stop treating many of them like crap. I learned, I matured, and many of the rough edges were refined. But I still think I have some growing up to do.

trident · 06-24-2006, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by searching1951

Dumpee -pain initially- negative feelings toward dumper later

Q: Do others have comments of similiar experiences like this?

Typically, I'd agree. For the most part, I have no desire to see or talk to the women I've dated in the past. The level of avoidance, for lack of a better term, various with the oarticular person.

The most recent instance is somewhat different. I've talked myself into hating her after months of lovingly missing her. However, I don't think this hate will last as I can feel it disipating already. Ultimately, despite the hurt I felt as a result of getting rejected, I still think if her as a good person. The hate was just a tool that I used to force myself to break my connection to her.

wk75 · 06-26-2006, 04:30 PM

I agree with a lot of what you're saying.

*most* of the time the dumper will feel some delayed remorse. *especially* if they broke the heart of the dumpee; acted cruelly toward the dumpee at the end; moved on quickly with someone else and flaunted it in the dumpee's face. AND - if the dumpee carries out the NC rule without any exception.

In most cases, in the long run, the dumpee might be better off. Typically the dumpee takes time to mourn, heal, maybe improve themselves. As long as they aren't a little gunshy the next time around, the dumpee might be better positioned to have a successful relationship next time round.

Orlander · 06-26-2006, 11:42 PM

I pray every night that my ex, who dumped me, has found someone else and is enjoying all the things in life she always wanted. I will think fondly of her one day when I am completely over the breakup. I wont give in to anger or hatred of her because I know what harm it does.

I dated a girl for three years who dumped me, but a year went by and it was so obvious she wasnt the one for me. I went on to meet someone much better...and will this time too.

Orlander

blueberrypie · 06-27-2006, 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orlander

I pray every night that my ex, who dumped me, has found someone else and is enjoying all the things in life she always wanted. I will think fondly of her one day when I am completely over the breakup. I wont give in to anger or hatred of her because I know what harm it does.

Hey Orlander,

I can understand you try to think fondly of your ex. But how can you pray that your ex has found someone else and is enjoying all the things in life she always wanted, instead of coming back to you?
How did you actually move on like that? I really want to know how you to do that. Cause I can try not to be angry at my ex, but can't pray for him to find someone else.
What's your secret?

Orlander · 06-27-2006, 11:53 PM

blueberrypie, I do still get angry sometimes, but it is usually followed shortly by me telling myself to let the anger go and...

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it."

Nice quote huh? That one really stuck with me when I found it. How apropos here.

How do I manage to pray for happiness for my ex? Well, a close, dear friend of mine, who is a recovering alcoholic (now in his 23rd year of sobriety) told me a three months ago that wishing happiness and love for your ex is a method prescribed for those in AA. It's in the Big Book, as my friend calls it.

From what I have been told, there is a wealth of information in the AA manual that could benefit us all. After all, I hope none of us fools ourselves into thinking that what we are doing here isnt getting over our addictions. We all are.

Orlander

icemotoboy · 06-27-2006, 11:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gersanos

I believe there is a lot of truth to what you are saying.

When I was in high school I was a jerk - meaning I conditioned myself psychologically for this. The first time I ever tried to break up with a girl she cried so much, that I gave in and said let's try this again. The next day I broke up with her for good because I knew I said let's try this again purefully because I felt so rotten. Afterwards, I would let the girl dump me so I would never deal with this again. I would force a girl to break up with me, and I learned very quickly that it was just a matter of time before we bumped into one another and she wanted me back so bad. You just disappear for a while, take care of yourself, etc., and they see you and think why did they break up with you. Slightly manipulative, all psychology, but pure jerk.

Since then I have grown up. I got sick of these games. And I do believe what you say is true:

- A couple of girls I have dumped I still think about. I wonder how they are, what they are up to in their lives, etc. I have positive thoughts about them, and I hope that they are happy wherever they are. I wish them only the best.

- I have been dumped once in my life when I still deeply cared about her. I had a ton of pain. It's what brought me here originally. And today, I don't have a single positive thought or comment about her. I generally don't think about her, but from time to time yes. I don't care how she is, who she is with, or if her life is ok. When I think of her, it just reminds me of the qualities I do not want in a girlfriend - eventhough I once cared for her and was happy with her.

I think much of it is you dumped someone - you had little pain. These ex-mates were not terrible, there was comfort there, there was happiness there.

When you are dumped and have tremendous pain, the last thing you want to do is go back to that. All it reminds you of is disappointment and failure.

Now what I do when I am interested in someone is take it slow. Get to know them little by little. Don't rush into anything too fast. I believe you should keep your life and interests, and slowly phase them into it. Develop a solid foundation of friendship, trust, and compassion. I won't have sex with her until after a few months. If she's the right girl then I will have sex with her for a loooong time. Taking it slow, developing a meaningful relationship, and still maintaining my life and myself is what I have learned through dating - sadly I learned this through being dumped, but in the end am glad I did. I also learned that I am not God's gift to women, and stop treating many of them like crap. I learned, I matured, and many of the rough edges were refined. But I still think I have some growing up to do.

You're a genuis mate, summed it all up right there.

I would like to PARTICULARY second:

And today, I don't have a single positive thought or comment about her. I generally don't think about her, but from time to time yes. I don't care how she is, who she is with, or if her life is ok. When I think of her, it just reminds me of the qualities I do not want in a girlfriend - eventhough I once cared for her and was happy with her.

To be honest, thats how I have ended up thinking about my ex, once I finally let go.

My previous relationships, the ones I have dumped, or the ones I have been dumped by but wasnt that into, occasionally I will think of them. Usually with either indifference, idol curiosity, or positive memories.

I believe ALOT of how you feel about an ex is related to your judgement of your "life" now relative to their "life". I think that as a dumper, it can sometimes be quite tough to see an ex who has sorted themselves alot more than you have.

06-24-2006, 06:27 PM	#1
searching1951 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: U.S. Gender: Male Posts: 148	dumper/dumpee long term psychology I've been through many situations where I was dumped and many where I dumped. I've noticed a pattern here, especially with most recent ones. When I was dumped I went through the long painful healing process that I am going through now. Toward the end I tend to develop a rather negative view of the dumper. The passionate fires are gone, I'm left with all their lies and indignations, and I see them as somewhat pathetic, stupid, immature, and even really f%^ked up people. I know I pass a point of no return. I have seen my ex wife recently, who dumped me, and I sense that she wants to be friends, maybe even more (I could tell by how she looked at me) but I am just polite, but otherwise hurry to get her out of my sight and space. I only noice how much she's aged and I don't have to deal with her. Now, when I have been the dumper, I gave little thought to the ex at the time, and went through little or no pain. But over time I came to remember the nice things about them, and even somewhat idealized them. When I met them again I was astonished how they had become harsh toward me. (but that's the way I'd be if they had dumped me). I even wanted to reconnect, but they emphatically did not! I think this is a general rule: Dumper - no pain initially - positive feelings later toward dumpee Dumpee -pain initially- negative feelings toward dumper later Q: Do others have comments of similiar experiences like this? I can tell you, I have developed really really negative feelings toward my latest ex who dumped me and let me find out on the street she was marrying someone else two weeks later. She's an emphysemic, alcoholic, nicotine addicted, drug addicted, self absorbed old wh%re. And that opinion is only likely to get worse in my mind's eye as time goes on.

06-24-2006, 06:37 PM	#2
bobo85 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: California Gender: Male Posts: 449	It really depends on how the breakup happened. My ex fell out of love with me and at the same time met someone else. So i felt betrayed and yes i do haev negative feelings towards my ex. __________________ When there is nothing else to do...go NC "The minute you feel like giving up, think of all the reasons why you held on for so long." -Bobo

06-26-2006, 04:30 PM	#6
wk75 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 10	agree with what you're saying I agree with a lot of what you're saying. most of the time the dumper will feel some delayed remorse. especially if they broke the heart of the dumpee; acted cruelly toward the dumpee at the end; moved on quickly with someone else and flaunted it in the dumpee's face. AND - if the dumpee carries out the NC rule without any exception. In most cases, in the long run, the dumpee might be better off. Typically the dumpee takes time to mourn, heal, maybe improve themselves. As long as they aren't a little gunshy the next time around, the dumpee might be better positioned to have a successful relationship next time round.

06-26-2006, 11:42 PM	#7
Orlander Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Las Vegas Gender: Male Posts: 1,157	I pray every night that my ex, who dumped me, has found someone else and is enjoying all the things in life she always wanted. I will think fondly of her one day when I am completely over the breakup. I wont give in to anger or hatred of her because I know what harm it does. I dated a girl for three years who dumped me, but a year went by and it was so obvious she wasnt the one for me. I went on to meet someone much better...and will this time too. Orlander __________________ Kindness guarantees all other qualities

06-27-2006, 11:53 PM	#9
Orlander Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Las Vegas Gender: Male Posts: 1,157	blueberrypie, I do still get angry sometimes, but it is usually followed shortly by me telling myself to let the anger go and... "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it." Nice quote huh? That one really stuck with me when I found it. How apropos here. How do I manage to pray for happiness for my ex? Well, a close, dear friend of mine, who is a recovering alcoholic (now in his 23rd year of sobriety) told me a three months ago that wishing happiness and love for your ex is a method prescribed for those in AA. It's in the Big Book, as my friend calls it. From what I have been told, there is a wealth of information in the AA manual that could benefit us all. After all, I hope none of us fools ourselves into thinking that what we are doing here isnt getting over our addictions. We all are. Orlander __________________ Kindness guarantees all other qualities

06-24-2006, 07:00 PM	#4
gersanos Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 195	I believe there is a lot of truth to what you are saying. When I was in high school I was a jerk - meaning I conditioned myself psychologically for this. The first time I ever tried to break up with a girl she cried so much, that I gave in and said let's try this again. The next day I broke up with her for good because I knew I said let's try this again purefully because I felt so rotten. Afterwards, I would let the girl dump me so I would never deal with this again. I would force a girl to break up with me, and I learned very quickly that it was just a matter of time before we bumped into one another and she wanted me back so bad. You just disappear for a while, take care of yourself, etc., and they see you and think why did they break up with you. Slightly manipulative, all psychology, but pure jerk. Since then I have grown up. I got sick of these games. And I do believe what you say is true: - A couple of girls I have dumped I still think about. I wonder how they are, what they are up to in their lives, etc. I have positive thoughts about them, and I hope that they are happy wherever they are. I wish them only the best. - I have been dumped once in my life when I still deeply cared about her. I had a ton of pain. It's what brought me here originally. And today, I don't have a single positive thought or comment about her. I generally don't think about her, but from time to time yes. I don't care how she is, who she is with, or if her life is ok. When I think of her, it just reminds me of the qualities I do not want in a girlfriend - eventhough I once cared for her and was happy with her. I think much of it is you dumped someone - you had little pain. These ex-mates were not terrible, there was comfort there, there was happiness there. When you are dumped and have tremendous pain, the last thing you want to do is go back to that. All it reminds you of is disappointment and failure. Now what I do when I am interested in someone is take it slow. Get to know them little by little. Don't rush into anything too fast. I believe you should keep your life and interests, and slowly phase them into it. Develop a solid foundation of friendship, trust, and compassion. I won't have sex with her until after a few months. If she's the right girl then I will have sex with her for a loooong time. Taking it slow, developing a meaningful relationship, and still maintaining my life and myself is what I have learned through dating - sadly I learned this through being dumped, but in the end am glad I did. I also learned that I am not God's gift to women, and stop treating many of them like crap. I learned, I matured, and many of the rough edges were refined. But I still think I have some growing up to do.