Almost divorced/Newly in love/OLD infertility issues

butterfinger · 06-09-2006, 10:11 PM

I am so confused that my head is spinning. I desperately need a little help.

I had asked my husband of 10 years for a divorce 5 months ago. It was a marriage of friendship but not passion. It never was about love it was about security. Our sex life was dismal. Lets just say he turned me away alot. So much to the point we would go 6 months with out having sex. Towards the end I felt like he was my brother. I had suggested counseling about 5 years ago but he wasn't into it. Then I bought books but he would never read them. Finally I gave up and just 'existed' for many years.

I also had an abortion at 17 that caused a lot of scarring and infections. This is the old problem of guilt, remorse, etc... just when I think I've dealt with it something stirs it up again.

During our 11years of marriage we had tossed around the idea of kids or no kids. We decided to wait for awhile. When we decided that we might be ready for kids, well that entails sex so you get the idea. We went to see a fertility doctor who we weren't that honest with about the lack of sex. (it's amazing what you will be embarrassed to tell a Dr) I did have to have surgery to correct scar tissue in each fallopian tube but the surgeon said that pregnancy was possible. I believe we never had enough sex for me to get pregnant. So we decided to adopt but I couldn't go through with it. I just couldn't adopt a child being that miserable in my marriage, It isn't fair for anyone especially the child.

Well now I'm 34 years old and desperate to have kids. I have applied for single parent adoption.

During all this I started talking to a man I have known for a few years. We had been aquantances for about 10years and have mutual friends. We were always physically attracted to eachother but both of us were married. So we never acted on it. Now we are both getting divorced.(his wife cheated on him for many years) He is 46 with 2 young kids. All I can say is he is everything I have been looking for. We get along amazingly, and have incredible passion. We have all the same interests. We both agree that this feels oh so right!And the sex is down right phenominal.

Now the problem I have is he's had a vasectomy and we are both newly divorced.

He is willing to get a vasectomy reversal and adopt, he just wants to be with me and loves kids. But can I do this to him? what if I really can't get pregnant? All the let downs we would go through. Plus he is older. That and the fact we are in such a sensitive time in our lives. And when I read what I just wrote I can see I need help. Help!?

nicorette · 06-09-2006, 11:20 PM

i thikn you need to make sure this isnt a rebound first, and you guys arent carrying too much baggage with you. i dotn think it matters about the age of a male to get a female pregnant? i think their sperm count decreases but im pretty sure an 80 year old man can conceive with a much younger woman. you said hes willing to adopt as well, so even if the vasectomy reversal doesnt work you guys can always adopt. are you guys dating or anything? i dont completley understand what is going on wtih you guys at the time being

butterfinger · 06-10-2006, 07:36 AM

I'm sorry, I am new at this posting stuff.

Yes we are dating and yes we have talked about the rebound thing as well. We have talked about almost anything and any senario. So I feel we are going into this with our eye's wide open.

Thanks

Momene · 06-11-2006, 01:12 AM

You're still in the honeymoon period, so I'd hold off on plans for children for a while. A red flag here is that, at 46, he'll be retired before any children grow up. If you're financially stable and he's energetic, it could still work.

As a comparison, I'm 51 and not financially stable. I love my daughter to bits but couldn't start again with a new baby.

06-09-2006, 10:11 PM	#1
butterfinger Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: NY Gender: Female Posts: 6	Almost divorced/Newly in love/OLD infertility issues I am so confused that my head is spinning. I desperately need a little help. I had asked my husband of 10 years for a divorce 5 months ago. It was a marriage of friendship but not passion. It never was about love it was about security. Our sex life was dismal. Lets just say he turned me away alot. So much to the point we would go 6 months with out having sex. Towards the end I felt like he was my brother. I had suggested counseling about 5 years ago but he wasn't into it. Then I bought books but he would never read them. Finally I gave up and just 'existed' for many years. I also had an abortion at 17 that caused a lot of scarring and infections. This is the old problem of guilt, remorse, etc... just when I think I've dealt with it something stirs it up again. During our 11years of marriage we had tossed around the idea of kids or no kids. We decided to wait for awhile. When we decided that we might be ready for kids, well that entails sex so you get the idea. We went to see a fertility doctor who we weren't that honest with about the lack of sex. (it's amazing what you will be embarrassed to tell a Dr) I did have to have surgery to correct scar tissue in each fallopian tube but the surgeon said that pregnancy was possible. I believe we never had enough sex for me to get pregnant. So we decided to adopt but I couldn't go through with it. I just couldn't adopt a child being that miserable in my marriage, It isn't fair for anyone especially the child. Well now I'm 34 years old and desperate to have kids. I have applied for single parent adoption. During all this I started talking to a man I have known for a few years. We had been aquantances for about 10years and have mutual friends. We were always physically attracted to eachother but both of us were married. So we never acted on it. Now we are both getting divorced.(his wife cheated on him for many years) He is 46 with 2 young kids. All I can say is he is everything I have been looking for. We get along amazingly, and have incredible passion. We have all the same interests. We both agree that this feels oh so right!And the sex is down right phenominal. Now the problem I have is he's had a vasectomy and we are both newly divorced. He is willing to get a vasectomy reversal and adopt, he just wants to be with me and loves kids. But can I do this to him? what if I really can't get pregnant? All the let downs we would go through. Plus he is older. That and the fact we are in such a sensitive time in our lives. And when I read what I just wrote I can see I need help. Help!?

06-10-2006, 07:36 AM	#3
butterfinger Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: NY Gender: Female Posts: 6	I'm sorry, I am new at this posting stuff. Yes we are dating and yes we have talked about the rebound thing as well. We have talked about almost anything and any senario. So I feel we are going into this with our eye's wide open. Thanks __________________ So you have failed? You cannot fail. You have not failed; you have gained experience. Forward! -St. Josemaría Escrivá

06-09-2006, 11:20 PM	#2
nicorette Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Interior of BC, Canada Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 442	i thikn you need to make sure this isnt a rebound first, and you guys arent carrying too much baggage with you. i dotn think it matters about the age of a male to get a female pregnant? i think their sperm count decreases but im pretty sure an 80 year old man can conceive with a much younger woman. you said hes willing to adopt as well, so even if the vasectomy reversal doesnt work you guys can always adopt. are you guys dating or anything? i dont completley understand what is going on wtih you guys at the time being

06-11-2006, 01:12 AM	#4
Momene Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Wiltshire Gender: Male Posts: 3,498	You're still in the honeymoon period, so I'd hold off on plans for children for a while. A red flag here is that, at 46, he'll be retired before any children grow up. If you're financially stable and he's energetic, it could still work. As a comparison, I'm 51 and not financially stable. I love my daughter to bits but couldn't start again with a new baby.