What mothers say...

My bf and I have been LDR the entirety of our relationship. We originally met playing a video game (lol how silly is that? ) and have seen each other many times over the years.

We talk everyday, at least 2 times a day on the phone. We email daily and txt message all the time. We had a rocky period about a year and a half ago wherein I broke up with him. Not nicely either and by doing so we did not speak at all for about a year. I thought about him from time to time (constantly at the beginning of the break-up) over that year of no contact and missed him but I didn't think I was cut out for an LDR. Anyways, about 8 months ago we reconnected and the relationship has never been better. I guess because we both had a chance to date other people and grow–up. If anything the time to evaluate how important we are to each other has been a blessing.

Here is where I need advice...I love him with all my heart. We have talked about marriage and me moving to the US to be with him. I want to marry him. There is no question I want to be with him BUT, my mother always said, "Never marry someone you haven't lived with". There really isn't the possibility of "living" with him for any extended period of time. I would only be able to get a tourist visa for 6 months, I could not work during that time and if I wished to stay after that time I would have to be married by the end of that 6 month visa (even then I don't think it's a sure thing). Can a marriage work if we have not lived together?

I know ultimately this is a question only I really know the answer to but I need reassurance that I am making the right decision. Or, alternatively, if this may be too big of a risk to leave my country, family and job for love.

I just want to know if my fears are normal

I understand what you are going through because I'm in a LDR too. I live in England and my Fiancee lives in Australia. We met through her daughter who I met on here. We talked online and got to know each other better, then I bought a webcam which made things a lot better. I talked to her on the phone in September and in October I got her out of bed at 1am to propose to her.

I surprised her later that month when I announced I'd bought a plane ticket to arrive in Melbourne Airport on her birthday in February.

In December I nearly lost her because she was rushed into hospital and her life was hanging by a thread! At the time I had a feeling like sand running through my fingers. It was hard work getting information from her daughter (it wasn't the one I knew she was away and didn't know. I rang her and asked for help). Eventually I found out which hospital she was in and rang everyday until she was home.

There's no words to describe how I felt when I met her in the airport in February. She felt that way too. In all the excitement I forgot to wish her happy birthday. We went out for a meal that night and I proposed to her on bended knee and gave her a diamond engagement ring and she gave me a ring that had a pink sapphire. Unfortunately after 2 weeks I had to go home.

We're a lot older than you and have both been married twice before so we know a lot of the downfalls in marriage and how to look out for warning signals. We are very supportive of each other when either of us are suffering in pain with our illnesses/disabilities or we're dealing with financial problems that puts our stress levels up.

In the beginning I made the decision to go and live with her because she has 5 children and 2 grandchildren. I didn't like the idea that she wouldn't be able to see them. The only close family I have is my Dad, 2 married sisters that have 3 children between them so it's easier for me.

The easiest way for me to become an Australian citizen is for her to come for a holiday and get married here before we return. So I understand what you are talking about.

I can understand what your Mother is saying because I didn't live with my 1st husband before we got married, however, I had known him for 10 years as a friend. Unfortunately, once he was behing closed doors things weren't as easy going as they appeared on the outside. I used to act around my family as though everything was ok but that wasn't always the case because he was a 'Jekyl and Hyde' gemini. He could lose his temper in the time you said, 'Chris' his name! On a couple of occasions he lashed out at me. The 1st was he threw a light punch and caught the side of my eye lightly and the 2nd he threw a bunch of keys from quite a distance and they hit me on the cheek. The marriage lasted 5 years.

I advise you to get the tourist visa and wait to be married. Why? Because of the following reasons:

1. You've only been with him for short periods of time.

2. You're moving to another country which is a big step for anyone.

3. You have no family or friends there if anything goes wrong and you need physical or financial support.

4. It's a lot easier just to walk away than to have to get a divorce. Don't forget how much money it'll cost for lawyers. How much fighting there could be for assets.

5. If your name isn't on the mortgage or the lease or whatever then you could end up on the streets.

There's probably a lot more againsts than this but I can't think of them at present.

Make sure you get an OPEN ENDED RETURN AIR TICKET!!!!!!!!!!! That way if something goes wrong you can immediately jump on a plane and go home.

I'm sure your Mother would rather welcome you with open arms than have you in an unsafe environment.

Im in the same situation as you. I live in Canada and my boyfriend lives in the US. You can stay in the US for up to six months WITHOUT a visa or anything. Im doing that right now. As long as before the six months are up you return to Canada. Im spending the summer here (4 months) and theres no problems with that. If you wanted to stay longer then six month then yes you have to get a visa and get married within a certain amount of time. The part that sucks is not being able to work here in the US. To be able to get a visa to do that is nearly impossible. Im lucky enough to have my bf supporting me while Im here. and really we save money by me being here on phone bills and flights. Its also a good trial period to see what its like to live together.

Although my parents didn't agree with me coming here they reassured me that i can call then any time if im not happy and they will do anything to get me home safe. And like Tigris said make sure you are able to get a flight home fast if needed.

You have known this guy for a long time and your not a teenager anymore. Only you know in your heart if its worth changing your whole life for this guy.

I guess the question I had after I read your post is what went wrong before?

Of course marrying before you live together can work. Also living together and then getting married works. It just depends on in the individuals.

Thanks so much for the replies J

And thank you Tigris for all your suggestions. It never occurred to me to get an open ended ticket.

I will try visiting him for an extended period of time to see if my feelings for him are true and not built on distance and who I perceive he is.

To answer your question Monkey1, I broke up with him because I was going through a lot emotionally and the distance really became the straw that broke the camels back. I suffered from sever depression; I had to be medicated for it. I also was fighting anorexia. At the time of the break up I didn’t know these thing were wrong with me I just thought I was loosing my mind. I lost a lot of weight, had no appetite, and I was crying and depressed all the time. I figured it was because he was so far away and I just wasn’t a strong enough person to deal with it. Turns out it was other underlying issues I had never dealt with. He now knows everything I was thinking at the time and what I was dealing with. Of course he was hurt I didn’t let him help me through it but honestly I thought I was going crazy at the time and didn’t want him to have to saddle that burden. He really is the most perfect person for me and I love him beyond measure J

Good luck and take care.