Can I tell my story? Or, how alcoholism kills!

blemished · 05-17-2006, 07:32 PM

I've been through hell over the past 6+ weeks (as I am sure you can empathize with), and my posts have reflected my developing thoughts on things. Now I feel I have a handle on what really happened between my ex and I, and I am kicking myself for not realizing it earlier. Here's a real tear-jerker for you, anti-Disney style:

I met my ex (let's call him Mike) almost 3 years ago. I had been single for 4 yrs (I'm a hard fit), and during that time I had done a lot of soul-searching and self-actualization and became very well-acquainted with who I am. I was fully prepared to fall in love again and have a healthy LTR, but I was cautious. I grilled Mike on his ability to be a part of my life. Everything seemed perfect, and after a while I gave in and let love enter my life. Mike was not only compatible for me as a person, he enriched my life and gave me something special to look forward to.
Mike told me about 2 red flags early on: he was divorced, and his mother is an alcoholic. I was stupid, I did not pay much attention to these two facts, because I knew Mike loved me and our relationship was great, so what was the problem?
His mother's alcoholism was mostly in remission, and she spent ~1.5 years in a clinic, sober, and undergoing therapy. During this time, Mike visited her and was part of her recovery.
Last summer, she was released. Mike said that for the first time in a long time, she felt she might actually get better. But, within 6 weeks, she relapsed. What ensued was the most vicious behavior I have ever seen between a mother and her family. She seemed to zero in on MIke as her "victim", saying that he did not love her despite his actions to the contrary. When he attempted to put a stop to the harrassment, she began stalking him.
I didn't know what to do. I felt very angry at her. Within 2 weeks of her drinking again, I noticed Mike became distant towards me, and uncaring. I felt maybe he did not love me anymore. I failed to realize it was connected to his mom. I thought about breaking up with him then (this was last Aug.), but we had 2 trips coming up and I didn't want to cancel them. So, I just kept on plugging. We had never had problems in our relationship before this, and we also never fought. We had our first fight ever during the 1st of the 2 trips that followed. I remember wondering who this person was, during that trip, and not liking him.

By Oct. I was depressed about our relationship and his lack of attention to me. I weathered it out, for our other trip. Things seemed to get a little better, only to get a little worse. I realize in retrospect this was because his mother was stringing him along, and I also realize I never knew the full extent of the total destruction that his mother and his ex-wife did to him. I never asked. I was stupid, and I ignored it. I thought I was being respectful by not getting involved in his business.

The last weekend in March was the last weekend I saw Mike. We had great sex, and as I laid down to go to sleep next to him that night, I thought sadly about how much I loved him, but he didn't seem to really love me anymore (even though he said he did). A few days later, he made even less time for us (he decreased his attention to me over time), and I told him I wanted out and could no longer go on like this. He sounded distressed, said he had loved me as much as he knew how, and that he would miss making memories together.

We talked for a week or so after that, and he changed his mind. He said it was "the right decision" for both of us, and that he is "emotionally incapable" of sharing emotional connections with other human beings, and this is just "how he is" and he is very sorry for all the pain he caused me.

I implemented NC for 2 weeks, but broke it after I went on a date and realized how much Mike meant to me. He said he had "almost lost hope" he would hear from me. He proceeded to act like I was a part of his life. We had a few more discussions over the next weeks. I told him I felt he needed to go to therapy about his mom and I felt that his problems were caused by his mom's behavior towards him, and were not part of who he is. I also told him I felt we did love each other and had a great bond, so I did not buy that it's his personality to be incapable of being with someone. I said he is a sick person who needs help. I told him he needs to stop talking to his mom, period. He displayed reluctance to do that, but I felt I was getting through to him. I had all types of evidence (in writing, by his hand) to support my case. But last night he wrote me an email denying that the evidence I had is still valid. He told me "to take care".

I wrote back and said good-bye.

I should also mention, in our last phone conversation, I bluntly asked Mike why we broke up. He said we are not compatible, and he is not capable of having emotional connections with other humans. He claimed this is part of who he is, regardless of what the rest of humanity does, he's not like them. Does anyone else see something wrong here?
I also asked why we are not compatible, and basically what he verified is that the only reason we are incompatible is because I am not OK with some of his behavior which is what I feel is "sick" behavior, and a result of being an adult child of an alcoholic (for example, he overworks himself to escape thinking about things, he lacks real friends and does not have ANY hobbies, is obsessed with achievement and goals, etc. in order to prove himself...I just think he has no self-esteem due to his problems). I think with therapy, he would get better and learn to live life a little.

He keeps saying how sorry he is for the pain he caused me. So I also wrote back and said I was fine and am over him.

Obviously, I am better off without this sick person in my life. I realize that. But, god-dammit, it is SO hard to really want that. I loved him. I did nothing wrong. We were great for each other. He was ill. He pushed me away. I know the only thing left me to do is never talk to him again. But how do you never talk to someone who meant so much to you, who you spent almost 3 years with? I know, you just do it. Which is why I need a place like here to go whenever I think I am feeling differently.

Thanks for listening.

DN · 05-17-2006, 07:51 PM

I am sorry you are hurting but I think that you are being overly harsh saying he is sick. He is going through a great deal with an alcoholic and abusive mother and it seems there is not a great deal of support from you for that other than saying cut her out of his life. By saying that you set yourself up as a rival for his attention rather than someone he can lean on.

It may not be the case but in reading your post it seemed that all of this was about you and your feelings and not about him and what he was going through. When he was trying to deal with his mother under very upsetting circumstances all you could do was complain about the fact he had less time for you. That does not seem to me to be very supportive.

So his experience has been a mother who has turned on him because of alcoholism, a divorce and a girlfriend who is less than sympathetic. No wonder he feels he can't love anyone. Who has loved him enough to be there for him when he is in need.

Things may be different than I have gained from your post - but I can only go on what you have written.

blemished · 05-17-2006, 08:49 PM

DN, that is not the case, however I realize my post did not clarify that. What I meant was that I did not REALIZE the extent of his trauma because he would never TALK about it. I picked it up slowly over time.

In fact, he stopped talking to me in general. I would try to get him to talk, and would be met with silence. He would always change the topic or find a way around it if I tried to probe.

Also, I was so angry about his parents (his dad is an enabler to his mom), that I found it difficult to talk about myself without getting angry. And, Mike was ALWAYS surprised that I was upset about his parents' behavior! (Hello...?) He thought I should like them more, but I thought/think they treat him like sh*t. I was not aware of how angry I was at them until we broke up, when I started to think about it consciously.

Then, once we broke up, I realized what had happened! I also, over time, had recommended he go to therapy, had recommended he take up hobbies for himself, etc. and tried to be there for him, but he denied (and still denies) he has a problem.

After we broke up, I told him everything, and he still denies he has a problem and says this is just "the status quo". So, please don't blame me for this. I have done everything I can to try to help him-- but I can't make that decision for him. He doesn't want to lean on anyone, and doesn't even want to get better. He did say he will look into the therapy, but he is in deep denial about it being as much of a problem as it is. He does not like to deal with his problems and tends to just ignore them.

DN · 05-17-2006, 08:58 PM

OK - so what do you want? Would you want him back if he can get help? Because if not it is time for you to accept deep inside that it is over. That is a decision that you have to make and it is hard because you are trying to make your rational side take charge of your emotions.

Where, emotionally, would you like to be six months from now?

blemished · 05-17-2006, 09:35 PM

I would want for him to get help and get healthy, and after that for us to get back together and actualize what we had.

However,

I can't afford to be strung along, or to have hope we will be together-- I have to move on with the intent of moving on for good, because if not, hoping and then not getting will cripple me.

He never said (yet, anyhow) that he does not love me or care for me, but he has not said he does, and he continues to ignore anything I say that makes references to what we had, and he also denies meaning now what he has said in the past (about having an emotional connection with me- it no longer applies and he can't exlain why it once did).

I take that at face value to mean I am not important enough to him to make me even a possibility in the future, and that he does not care about me and does not care to be with me.

So, to answer you, while I would like for him to get well and us to live happily ever after, and while I believe that COULD happen, I don't believe he will ever get well enough to the point where it will happen, or maybe he lacks the interest.

He's not a person I feel I even know now. We were best friends. I trusted him. He was a valid part of my life. Now he is some stranger I don't recognize-- his actions are something my beloved would never have done, at least the beloved I knew.

05-17-2006, 07:32 PM	#1
blemished Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 223	*Can I tell my story? =(** I've been through hell over the past 6+ weeks (as I am sure you can empathize with), and my posts have reflected my developing thoughts on things. Now I feel I have a handle on what really happened between my ex and I, and I am kicking myself for not realizing it earlier. Here's a real tear-jerker for you, anti-Disney style: I met my ex (let's call him Mike) almost 3 years ago. I had been single for 4 yrs (I'm a hard fit), and during that time I had done a lot of soul-searching and self-actualization and became very well-acquainted with who I am. I was fully prepared to fall in love again and have a healthy LTR, but I was cautious. I grilled Mike on his ability to be a part of my life. Everything seemed perfect, and after a while I gave in and let love enter my life. Mike was not only compatible for me as a person, he enriched my life and gave me something special to look forward to. Mike told me about 2 red flags early on: he was divorced, and his mother is an alcoholic. I was stupid, I did not pay much attention to these two facts, because I knew Mike loved me and our relationship was great, so what was the problem? His mother's alcoholism was mostly in remission, and she spent ~1.5 years in a clinic, sober, and undergoing therapy. During this time, Mike visited her and was part of her recovery. Last summer, she was released. Mike said that for the first time in a long time, she felt she might actually get better. But, within 6 weeks, she relapsed. What ensued was the most vicious behavior I have ever seen between a mother and her family. She seemed to zero in on MIke as her "victim", saying that he did not love her despite his actions to the contrary. When he attempted to put a stop to the harrassment, she began stalking him. I didn't know what to do. I felt very angry at her. Within 2 weeks of her drinking again, I noticed Mike became distant towards me, and uncaring. I felt maybe he did not love me anymore. I failed to realize it was connected to his mom. I thought about breaking up with him then (this was last Aug.), but we had 2 trips coming up and I didn't want to cancel them. So, I just kept on plugging. We had never had problems in our relationship before this, and we also never fought. We had our first fight ever during the 1st of the 2 trips that followed. I remember wondering who this person was, during that trip, and not liking him. By Oct. I was depressed about our relationship and his lack of attention to me. I weathered it out, for our other trip. Things seemed to get a little better, only to get a little worse. I realize in retrospect this was because his mother was stringing him along, and I also realize I never knew the full extent of the total destruction that his mother and his ex-wife did to him. I never asked. I was stupid, and I ignored it. I thought I was being respectful by not getting involved in his business. The last weekend in March was the last weekend I saw Mike. We had great sex, and as I laid down to go to sleep next to him that night, I thought sadly about how much I loved him, but he didn't seem to really love me anymore (even though he said he did). A few days later, he made even less time for us (he decreased his attention to me over time), and I told him I wanted out and could no longer go on like this. He sounded distressed, said he had loved me as much as he knew how, and that he would miss making memories together. We talked for a week or so after that, and he changed his mind. He said it was "the right decision" for both of us, and that he is "emotionally incapable" of sharing emotional connections with other human beings, and this is just "how he is" and he is very sorry for all the pain he caused me. I implemented NC for 2 weeks, but broke it after I went on a date and realized how much Mike meant to me. He said he had "almost lost hope" he would hear from me. He proceeded to act like I was a part of his life. We had a few more discussions over the next weeks. I told him I felt he needed to go to therapy about his mom and I felt that his problems were caused by his mom's behavior towards him, and were not part of who he is. I also told him I felt we did love each other and had a great bond, so I did not buy that it's his personality to be incapable of being with someone. I said he is a sick person who needs help. I told him he needs to stop talking to his mom, period. He displayed reluctance to do that, but I felt I was getting through to him. I had all types of evidence (in writing, by his hand) to support my case. But last night he wrote me an email denying that the evidence I had is still valid. He told me "to take care". I wrote back and said good-bye. I should also mention, in our last phone conversation, I bluntly asked Mike why we broke up. He said we are not compatible, and he is not capable of having emotional connections with other humans. He claimed this is part of who he is, regardless of what the rest of humanity does, he's not like them. Does anyone else see something wrong here? I also asked why we are not compatible, and basically what he verified is that the only reason we are incompatible is because I am not OK with some of his behavior which is what I feel is "sick" behavior, and a result of being an adult child of an alcoholic (for example, he overworks himself to escape thinking about things, he lacks real friends and does not have ANY hobbies, is obsessed with achievement and goals, etc. in order to prove himself...I just think he has no self-esteem due to his problems). I think with therapy, he would get better and learn to live life a little. He keeps saying how sorry he is for the pain he caused me. So I also wrote back and said I was fine and am over him. Obviously, I am better off without this sick person in my life. I realize that. But, god-dammit, it is SO hard to really want that. I loved him. I did nothing wrong. We were great for each other. He was ill. He pushed me away. I know the only thing left me to do is never talk to him again. But how do you never talk to someone who meant so much to you, who you spent almost 3 years with? I know, you just do it. Which is why I need a place like here to go whenever I think I am feeling differently. Thanks for listening. Last edited by blemished; 05-17-2006 at 07:38 PM.

05-17-2006, 07:51 PM	#2
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,441	I am sorry you are hurting but I think that you are being overly harsh saying he is sick. He is going through a great deal with an alcoholic and abusive mother and it seems there is not a great deal of support from you for that other than saying cut her out of his life. By saying that you set yourself up as a rival for his attention rather than someone he can lean on. It may not be the case but in reading your post it seemed that all of this was about you and your feelings and not about him and what he was going through. When he was trying to deal with his mother under very upsetting circumstances all you could do was complain about the fact he had less time for you. That does not seem to me to be very supportive. So his experience has been a mother who has turned on him because of alcoholism, a divorce and a girlfriend who is less than sympathetic. No wonder he feels he can't love anyone. Who has loved him enough to be there for him when he is in need. Things may be different than I have gained from your post - but I can only go on what you have written. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

05-17-2006, 08:49 PM	#3
blemished Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 223	DN, that is not the case, however I realize my post did not clarify that. What I meant was that I did not REALIZE the extent of his trauma because he would never TALK about it. I picked it up slowly over time. In fact, he stopped talking to me in general. I would try to get him to talk, and would be met with silence. He would always change the topic or find a way around it if I tried to probe. Also, I was so angry about his parents (his dad is an enabler to his mom), that I found it difficult to talk about myself without getting angry. And, Mike was ALWAYS surprised that I was upset about his parents' behavior! (Hello...?) He thought I should like them more, but I thought/think they treat him like sht. I was not aware of how angry I was at them until we broke up, when I started to think about it consciously. Then, once we broke up, I realized what had happened! I also, over time, had recommended he go to therapy, had recommended he take up hobbies for himself, etc. and tried to be there for him, but he denied (and still denies) he has a problem. After we broke up, I told him everything, and he still denies he has a problem and says this is just "the status quo". So, please don't blame me for this. I have done everything I can to try to help him-- but I can't make that decision for him. He doesn't want to lean on anyone, and doesn't even want to get better. He did say he will look into the therapy, but he is in deep denial about it being as much of a problem as it is. He does not like to deal with his problems and tends to just ignore them. Last edited by blemished; 05-17-2006 at 08:55 PM.*

05-17-2006, 08:58 PM	#4
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,441	OK - so what do you want? Would you want him back if he can get help? Because if not it is time for you to accept deep inside that it is over. That is a decision that you have to make and it is hard because you are trying to make your rational side take charge of your emotions. Where, emotionally, would you like to be six months from now? __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

05-17-2006, 09:35 PM	#5
blemished Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 223	I would want for him to get help and get healthy, and after that for us to get back together and actualize what we had. However, I can't afford to be strung along, or to have hope we will be together-- I have to move on with the intent of moving on for good, because if not, hoping and then not getting will cripple me. He never said (yet, anyhow) that he does not love me or care for me, but he has not said he does, and he continues to ignore anything I say that makes references to what we had, and he also denies meaning now what he has said in the past (about having an emotional connection with me- it no longer applies and he can't exlain why it once did). I take that at face value to mean I am not important enough to him to make me even a possibility in the future, and that he does not care about me and does not care to be with me. So, to answer you, while I would like for him to get well and us to live happily ever after, and while I believe that COULD happen, I don't believe he will ever get well enough to the point where it will happen, or maybe he lacks the interest. He's not a person I feel I even know now. We were best friends. I trusted him. He was a valid part of my life. Now he is some stranger I don't recognize-- his actions are something my beloved would never have done, at least the beloved I knew. Last edited by blemished; 05-17-2006 at 09:38 PM.