just a depressing thought....

teacup · 05-14-2006, 04:47 AM

sometimes i have flashbacks when i think about things he said or did. and wonders of wonders.......MOST if not all of the thoughts are usually something very horrible or negative.

i remember one time i was in a restaurant with him. and we had finished eating. he said "want to make a run for it?" i was like....??? i said, no, i'll just pay. and i did. but he wasn't kidding. he meant it. come to think of it, he's probably done the run and eat thing many many times in his past. but he was encouraging me down his path of evil.

i mean, he is very sneaky, manipulative, a liar. he could easily have hidden and gotten away with it. but me, i was always the good girl......i never wanted to be bad. i would have gotten caught, hurt or jailed for sure.

thinking back on it makes me so sick. his lack of empathy for anyone but himself. encouraging me to break the law, i think he is gleeful when i get in trouble. it is SO SICK!!!!!!

i am glad i am OUT because i am sure i would have ended up dead, homelss and mentally insane or in jail. i am so sure of it.

i thank god everyday for the gift of my life and being free.

i remember other memories, like when i went on a roller coaster for the first time in a long time and when i got off of it, i felt dizzy and a bit sick. and he was really mad at me, he accused me of ruining the day. memories like that.......i have so many cruel, vile memories of his crap.

and i honestly cannot tell you any genuine moments of kindness and goodness. and he still wants to come back?! NOT FOR AN ETERNITY. i WOULD rather die.

he is trash or fit to wipe my shoes on.

i want to express my anger, pain, sorrow, confusion, and sympathy for the innocent trusting girl i was.

that creep.

Bethany · 05-14-2006, 06:22 AM

Teacup, both those things have happened to me.

It's not EVIL to say 'make a run for it', it's a spur of the moment thing, said as a bit of risque fun. It's against the law and wrong sure, but it's not EVIL.

And I know on times, I've been a misery guts and over dramatised dizziness for a bit of sympathy in my earlier years and had it thrown back in my face as being attention seeking drama queen who is spoiling the fun. But you know what, I probably was.

You' re describing what happened to average people in average relationships and I see no EVIL or SICKness in what he did on those two occasions.

kuhl282000 · 05-14-2006, 07:26 AM

teacup

Some people are just evil in life i have found out the hard way myself. Those are the people you want to run like the wind from. Sounds like a real creep to me and I would not ever give a moments though and let him take up any space in my head again. You we're the smarter and better person, let him go and make someone elses life a living hell, but not yours.
Don't waste you're time with creeps like this, not ever again, you did the right thing.

May you find some peace now

Kuhl

ElektraHere · 05-14-2006, 11:40 AM

Teacup,

Why do you ruminate on bad things all the time? You must have positive things you can think about?

Yes you have made some bad choices in men and hopefully you will be more perceptive in the future. It's time to get out of this bizarre circle of detructive thoughts and move forward. Its like your stuck or that your are choosing to obsess about these type things. Your life will be alot easier if you can just let it go.

Beyondthesea · 05-14-2006, 01:15 PM

Teacup, if you really are that glad to be free, use your 'jerk radar' and don't date anymore of them! After being abused, I can smell a moron a mile away and steer waaaaaay clear of them. Remember that many of your abusive situations are by choice and you don't have to get yourself into them.
Choose to not allow yourself to be abused.

Also, do try to be positive too

You don't have to always reminice on all the bad things that have happened to you. Move forward instead of dwelling on the past.

yeawutever · 05-14-2006, 08:56 PM

Teacup, seems that you'll keep putting yourself in bad positions and not quite learning anything from your past experience. Yes, there're jerks, abusers, liars, all over here. But what's more concerning is you are seeing the red flags already and yet still stick to it. Why??? Why are you allowing it??? It's like stepping and tripping on the same exact rock twice or more.
And try not being so negative all the time, people are gonna get tired of that. They wouldn't want to hear all the time of how you were abuse nor the hardships you went through. Think about the generalize statement can offend those guys who got hurt also. Yes, there has to be at least something positive. Not everything is about getting lost forever in the woods and never finding your way through, there's always a special moment.
And try to stop thinking about waiting to be rescue or for the special moment waiting to happen. If you're in counseling, continue being there, it's very helpful and constructive. But then, you have to find your way yourself, no one's gonna be your savior.

teacup · 05-15-2006, 02:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bethany

Teacup, both those things have happened to me.

It's not EVIL to say 'make a run for it', it's a spur of the moment thing, said as a bit of risque fun. It's against the law and wrong sure, but it's not EVIL.

And I know on times, I've been a misery guts and over dramatised dizziness for a bit of sympathy in my earlier years and had it thrown back in my face as being attention seeking drama queen who is spoiling the fun. But you know what, I probably was.

You' re describing what happened to average people in average relationships and I see no EVIL or SICKness in what he did on those two occasions.

yes, but he also encouraged me to shoplift and steal. he would stalk me down the street. he used to steal cars and was in juvie for grand theft. he was in a violent gang and used to do house break-ins. he would show me how to break into my own apartment, he actually broke in a few times when i wasn't around to let him in. add that to his cheating, lying, manipulation, deception. given his history, and knowing him, it wasn't about innocent fun or spontaneity. it was about getting me in trouble. plus we were both way over the legal age. i could have gone into the slammer and gotten into serious trouble. as it was i used to walk up and down the streets outside my apartment at night talking to myself and homeless ppl. i thought i was going crazy from his torment.

i just write this out because it clears out my head to set it down. i think i have some posttraumatic stress and that's why i obsess. argh.

yeawutever · 05-15-2006, 02:59 AM

In other words if some guy were to tell ya to jump out the clift would ya do it?

teacup · 05-15-2006, 03:33 AM

now? i would probably drive away as fast as i could. and NEVER have contact with him.

but i was very very sick then. i was VERY messed up in the head and i trusted him too. i cared about him. i loved him. (it's absurd, i know, i am just in disbelief that i think about it now).

you have no idea how brainwashed one can get in an abusive relationship. i had no identity. i didnt even feel like a person anymore. i was a hollow empty shell, a walking ghost. i was destroyed.

the mindset of an abuse victim is one that is very traumatized....shell shocked....and very unhealthy. who wouldn't be being in that type of violent situation?

so.....yeah i am so lucky to be alive. i seriously would have suicided, ended up homeless, went insane, gotten involved with drugs and alcohol to cope, jumped off a building, killed him or ended up dead or in jail.

it really is a blessing to be alive and healthy and FREE. but that is why i say, nobody deserves to be abused.

it's a situation that people dont grasp and understand until they've been in it.

Beyondthesea · 05-15-2006, 10:21 AM

Well hon I've been there, and can honestly say I understand how much pain and shame you feel. Just don't get into another relationship like it and move forward.

05-14-2006, 04:47 AM	#1
teacup Offline Join Date: Aug 2005 Age: 28 Posts: 1,088	just a depressing thought.... sometimes i have flashbacks when i think about things he said or did. and wonders of wonders.......MOST if not all of the thoughts are usually something very horrible or negative. i remember one time i was in a restaurant with him. and we had finished eating. he said "want to make a run for it?" i was like....??? i said, no, i'll just pay. and i did. but he wasn't kidding. he meant it. come to think of it, he's probably done the run and eat thing many many times in his past. but he was encouraging me down his path of evil. i mean, he is very sneaky, manipulative, a liar. he could easily have hidden and gotten away with it. but me, i was always the good girl......i never wanted to be bad. i would have gotten caught, hurt or jailed for sure. thinking back on it makes me so sick. his lack of empathy for anyone but himself. encouraging me to break the law, i think he is gleeful when i get in trouble. it is SO SICK!!!!!! i am glad i am OUT because i am sure i would have ended up dead, homelss and mentally insane or in jail. i am so sure of it. i thank god everyday for the gift of my life and being free. i remember other memories, like when i went on a roller coaster for the first time in a long time and when i got off of it, i felt dizzy and a bit sick. and he was really mad at me, he accused me of ruining the day. memories like that.......i have so many cruel, vile memories of his crap. and i honestly cannot tell you any genuine moments of kindness and goodness. and he still wants to come back?! NOT FOR AN ETERNITY. i WOULD rather die. he is trash or fit to wipe my shoes on. i want to express my anger, pain, sorrow, confusion, and sympathy for the innocent trusting girl i was. that creep.

05-14-2006, 07:26 AM	#3
kuhl282000 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Orlando, Florida Gender: Male Posts: 1,390	teacup Some people are just evil in life i have found out the hard way myself. Those are the people you want to run like the wind from. Sounds like a real creep to me and I would not ever give a moments though and let him take up any space in my head again. You we're the smarter and better person, let him go and make someone elses life a living hell, but not yours. Don't waste you're time with creeps like this, not ever again, you did the right thing. May you find some peace now Kuhl __________________ Be grateful for what you had together, because the personal memories are sometimes all we are left with. Life goes on, and so will you.

05-14-2006, 01:15 PM	#5
Beyondthesea Offline Gold Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: where the streets have no name Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 1,606	Teacup, if you really are that glad to be free, use your 'jerk radar' and don't date anymore of them! After being abused, I can smell a moron a mile away and steer waaaaaay clear of them. Remember that many of your abusive situations are by choice and you don't have to get yourself into them. Choose to not allow yourself to be abused. Also, do try to be positive too You don't have to always reminice on all the bad things that have happened to you. Move forward instead of dwelling on the past. __________________ _____________________________ Dreams are renewable, whether you're five or 105, you have a lifetime ahead of you. ~Rev. Dale Turner It's never too late, in fiction or in life, to revise. ~Nancy Thayer Every day you sit back and wait for something to happen is another day lost. ~Jennifer Flavin

05-14-2006, 08:56 PM	#6
yeawutever Online Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Age: 22 Posts: 5,671	Teacup, seems that you'll keep putting yourself in bad positions and not quite learning anything from your past experience. Yes, there're jerks, abusers, liars, all over here. But what's more concerning is you are seeing the red flags already and yet still stick to it. Why??? Why are you allowing it??? It's like stepping and tripping on the same exact rock twice or more. And try not being so negative all the time, people are gonna get tired of that. They wouldn't want to hear all the time of how you were abuse nor the hardships you went through. Think about the generalize statement can offend those guys who got hurt also. Yes, there has to be at least something positive. Not everything is about getting lost forever in the woods and never finding your way through, there's always a special moment. And try to stop thinking about waiting to be rescue or for the special moment waiting to happen. If you're in counseling, continue being there, it's very helpful and constructive. But then, you have to find your way yourself, no one's gonna be your savior. __________________ Opened-minded to those in need of help. Not everything is black and white as it seems.... If you're gonna do something, think twice and make sure it's something worthy that you don't later on regret!!!!!!!!!!! Still in a LDR with boyfriend. Last edited by yeawutever; 05-14-2006 at 09:05 PM.

05-15-2006, 02:59 AM	#8
yeawutever Online Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Age: 22 Posts: 5,671	In other words if some guy were to tell ya to jump out the clift would ya do it? __________________ Opened-minded to those in need of help. Not everything is black and white as it seems.... If you're gonna do something, think twice and make sure it's something worthy that you don't later on regret!!!!!!!!!!! Still in a LDR with boyfriend.

05-14-2006, 06:22 AM	#2
Bethany Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2,030	Teacup, both those things have happened to me. It's not EVIL to say 'make a run for it', it's a spur of the moment thing, said as a bit of risque fun. It's against the law and wrong sure, but it's not EVIL. And I know on times, I've been a misery guts and over dramatised dizziness for a bit of sympathy in my earlier years and had it thrown back in my face as being attention seeking drama queen who is spoiling the fun. But you know what, I probably was. You' re describing what happened to average people in average relationships and I see no EVIL or SICKness in what he did on those two occasions.

05-14-2006, 11:40 AM	#4
ElektraHere Offline Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: West Coast Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 2,379	Teacup, Why do you ruminate on bad things all the time? You must have positive things you can think about? Yes you have made some bad choices in men and hopefully you will be more perceptive in the future. It's time to get out of this bizarre circle of detructive thoughts and move forward. Its like your stuck or that your are choosing to obsess about these type things. Your life will be alot easier if you can just let it go.

05-15-2006, 03:33 AM	#9
teacup Offline Join Date: Aug 2005 Age: 28 Posts: 1,088	now? i would probably drive away as fast as i could. and NEVER have contact with him. but i was very very sick then. i was VERY messed up in the head and i trusted him too. i cared about him. i loved him. (it's absurd, i know, i am just in disbelief that i think about it now). you have no idea how brainwashed one can get in an abusive relationship. i had no identity. i didnt even feel like a person anymore. i was a hollow empty shell, a walking ghost. i was destroyed. the mindset of an abuse victim is one that is very traumatized....shell shocked....and very unhealthy. who wouldn't be being in that type of violent situation? so.....yeah i am so lucky to be alive. i seriously would have suicided, ended up homeless, went insane, gotten involved with drugs and alcohol to cope, jumped off a building, killed him or ended up dead or in jail. it really is a blessing to be alive and healthy and FREE. but that is why i say, nobody deserves to be abused. it's a situation that people dont grasp and understand until they've been in it. Last edited by teacup; 05-15-2006 at 03:40 AM.

05-15-2006, 10:21 AM	#10
Beyondthesea Offline Gold Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: where the streets have no name Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 1,606	Well hon I've been there, and can honestly say I understand how much pain and shame you feel. Just don't get into another relationship like it and move forward. __________________ _____________________________ Dreams are renewable, whether you're five or 105, you have a lifetime ahead of you. ~Rev. Dale Turner It's never too late, in fiction or in life, to revise. ~Nancy Thayer Every day you sit back and wait for something to happen is another day lost. ~Jennifer Flavin