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Ex wants to spend family time


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Hi All,

I am trying to keep a door to reconciliation open, me husband and I are separated and almost have reached a settlement, about which my attorney is not happy but thats another story. Now he wants to take the kids to the movies on his custodial time (50/50) and invites me to come. It happened when I had the kids call him to say good night (something the mediatior instructed us to do) and he asked them to talk to me.

I think he hates NC, but should I let him see me and play family or should I make him feel more like a single dad? on the other hand we have had good outings with the kids and he mentioned today that that makes us both more relaxed. He is afraid of the fights we used to have and perhaps having good relaxing times together might help, or it might make him transition into a diferent stage faster.neither one wants to file for a divorce at this stage, we want time to heal, although he has said before that he is hopeless, still claims he can't predict the future and refuses to make any final statement. Yes, he is a little controlling...

Please tell me what you think.

thanks much,

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Thanks for your advise. You're right that the children must be our first consideration and we need to be very careful about sending mixed messages to them. We haven't talked to them about our separation being final, basically, I asked him whether we should at this point but he has been reluctant to even tell me that his decision is final. I thought once we reached a financial agreement he would have an easier time speaking his mind (in case he was trying to avoid going to court or something) and it seems like he really isn't ready for a divorce and would like to have some more time to see what is still possible. i do not want to read too much and get too hopeful. I think he is more attached to me than he wants to be aware of and that he feels safe to spend time with me if the kids are with us because we can't have painful conversations but that ultimately he wants me around at least for some of the time. strategically though, it might be good to not allow this family outings because it fulfils his needs but unsettle me at some level and I need to be able to assume tht he is no longer part of my life, at least not in the same way as before our separation. Otherwise is pretty much like being together but without having to work on the relationship. In any case, I will have to set some boundaries that would work both for a divorce scenario and/or a reconciliation. He probably needs to experience what a divorce would be like, so far its been very ambiguous, and he keeps control of the situation.

So, for myself, if I want a chance to get him back i probably need to be less available, don't you agree? isn't this part of the NC approach?

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It sounds like you are on the right track how you are thinking. I'm not sure about what it would take to win him back... It certainly does sound like he is the one with all the control here and you will be better off distancing yourself from him emotionally until you figure things out. Maybe in the process of doing that, and being less available, he will realize what divorce would really mean and figure out whether he really can let you go.

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It's hard to do NC when you have children together- since you need to be able to communicate about their needs and activities.

 

Personally, I think it is not such a bad idea to be able to go out as co-parents of the children together and be effective parents together. Even if things do not work out for the two of you, you will still always need to be able to work together to parent the children and this is a step in that direction, wouldn't you say?

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Your comments are very reassuring, thanks much. Yes, that's probably the best thing to do, to distance myself emotionally and let him figure out what is it that he wants and the best way is to minimize contact. I am having a real hard time accepting this is over, especially because he can't say that, he says he wants to see what could happen later on, but that he can't get back together right now. Always emphasizing the timing, which is a sure formula to keep me hanging there, waiting, desperate, I need to put it all in my to do list. Maybe set a deadline, like not think about it for three months, or so; and not to see him either, except when he picks up the kids but then be polite and make it very brief.

Thanks for your reply,it really feels less lonely. I am able to think clearly but my heart is broken and today was a very hard day, so was yesterday.

Thanks again. What is your story if i may ask?

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Yes, you are very right it is very hard to avoid contact when you have kids. That's why you spell out everything in parenting plans which set some guidelines and make things smooth. as much as I am dying to go out with him and the girls I think i might be doing myself a disservice, I will be missing being a family and he won't be missing me, and he needs to see through his own excuses (the kids). I think that going out might be an option but not just yet. first, he needs to realize what is at stake and i'll be more interesting to him if he doesn't feel so sure about me. I just need to keep posting here and not dial that phone, not prolong our conversations, not obsess over ways to get him back. i don't think he is fully gone, he's in the middle and he needs to make up his mind one way or the other. I don't play games but he is always playing strategy games, he'll manipulate me if i stay close, he asked for space and that's what i should give him. See if he likes it. God its going to be so hard!

What do you guys do when you are dying to talk to them? when you wake up in the morning crying? I should add that I am not American and have no friends in my area, I feel so blessed I found this site

Thanks to all.

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Hi Bacci,

 

Welcome to enotalone, BTW. This forum is a great support community so you are in good hands.

 

Why did you and your husband split up in the first place, may I ask? What are the details- length of the marriage, age of the children? Where are you from?

 

You have to do what's right for you- if you want to limit contact to caring for and communicating about the children, that is your right- there is an element of mystery in minimal contact because he will not have known what you've been up to.

 

But seeing as you hope he will reconsider, maybe learning to do things together as a family without fighting would be good.

 

My story is here:

 

 

 

It's a LONG doozy so make yourself a cup of tea before you read it! (if you can make it through!)

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