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My Daddy Shot Me Up & Raped Me @ 16


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Well, I have never done this before. I see how wonderful people treat one another here, so here it goes..I hope you will pardon if it is too lenghthy.

All I ever wanted was a Daddy. Mine left at age of 5. My step father was extremely physically & psycologically abusive. One day my dream came true, my Daddy showed up when I was 15. It was like prince charming had arrived to rescue me! When he would hug me & put me on his lap I loved it! I had never been hugged my my step father and rarely Momma.

One day he called me into his room and gave me a shot of Cocaine I fell back on the bed. I loved this free feeling. The next thin I know he is on top of me inside of me. I cried and said NO NO NO. He just kept on. When he finished raping me, he looked at me and said you are just like your mother, you will never please a man, you don't have a sensuous bone in your bidy. I am now 42 God help me there is so much more. This went on & on. I ran away, when my baby sister was murdered I came back for her funeral. Daddy was there. I confronted him about everything. He apologized. I eventually came back to this town and he always seems to violte me. kissiing, inapproriate touching. I HATE IT I JUST WANT HIM TO LOVE ME AS A DAUGHTER. None of my sisters or Momma can understand why have have such a need to be loved by him. Am I sick?

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Hi,

 

I am absolutely horrified at what you have endured. You are not sick for wanting his approval, but it's probably not worth the effort.

 

Have you sought counseling and group therapy to help you sort through your feelings? You certainly deserve to feel clear and peace of mind.

 

My prayers are with you.

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You have surely been through a nightmare with what he did. It definitely should be stopped on what he is continuing to do to you.

 

Some counseling for youself may be of some help, so that you can understand your feelings.

 

For this man, I know that he needs to stop what he is doing,. THere are efforts that you can make to put a stop to it. If he did this to you in the past and continues to violate you by the unwanted touching, kissing, , etc, how do you know he is not doing it to some one else also.

 

I hope you find the right path to correct this situation.

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Justagirl - Welcome. I hope you find some consolation here on ENA.

 

You are not at all sick for wanting your father to love you in a "normal" way.

 

I am so sorry for your experiences.

 

Have you been thru therapy or dealt with this with a professional psychologist?

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Thank you ALL so much. I thought, "who would respond to me?" It is complicated. My condition to come back to my town where Daddy lives, was for him, his wife & myself to all sit down and let me confront him and he tell his wife the truth. (I was 24 years old at that time) He got on his kness and begged my forgiveness and admitted to everything. I was FINALLY at peace with it. ALL of the horrible, horrible night mares I endured for 7 long years .. TERRIFED of sleep, finally began to slow down. As time moved along, he would get drunk, grab a breast or my butt..."accidentaly" fall on me a get a hand full between my legs or a nasty UGH.."wet sloppy kiss". He ruined everything. It is all back. EVERYTIME I go away for a long time, then I miss him, go back and see him and he is Mr. Appropraite then eventually he does the same things. Never Rape again, I would kill him. It is the most confusing situation of shame, anger, love , hate, betrayal , rage, sadness and fear. Most of all I just want him to look and me and love me like a daughter. I know this will not happen , he is sick. I am 42 years old. #$$** can't I get over it? I did before. But now it seems even more insulting and degrading because I have confronted him. 2 weeks ago I went to see him. He begged me to sleep in his bed with him, etc..I cried and begged him to not treat me like this then I brought it all back up. His exact words were.."Jesus Christ...that was so many years ago, don't blame me, you wanted me to shoot you up..." As far as authorities, I did everything a child was taught. I told my Mother, Step Dad, Daddy's wife, Daddy's Ex, 2 uncles and NOTHING. NOT ONE SOLE TOLD AUTHORITIES. And YES he has done it to many children..my 2 little sisters (I recently found out) my brother and God himself only knows how many other children. I TOLD. Nobody came. I felt if I went to the police when no adult did that I would be ignored again & feel violated all oveer agin. Is this being a drama queen tell everyone on here? I just don't know how to get it out of my head.

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You are not being a drama queen, your scared, no one on this earth could blame you. Your a grown woman now, he can't do these things to you anymore, you need to get away from him. Just cut off all contact so you can get away and heal. Then call the police and get him locked up.

I agree completely.

 

I know it's difficult to hear people say something like 'Just go to the police' when it is probably extremely difficult for you to bring yourself to do so but the bottom line is that you must. If no one else is going to go to the police then you have to not only for the sake of battling your own demons but for the sake of other children he might be abusing every single day.

 

The police are not going to shun you, you don't know that you will. I know it's going to be tough but you've got to tell them. If you and even one of the other people he's abused come give a statement then that's more then enough to get him convicted for a very long time indeed.

 

Right now you have two choices, you can allow him to continue doing God knows what to other people while you live with your nightmares and countless emotions that must be going through your head. Or you can go to the police and get this all over with so you can get some final real closure.

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Thank you. Aren't I too old? What about statute of limitations? He recently had a quadruple bi-pass. My little sisters may hate me for it. It is just so much. I did see a therapist for a while. I loved it. She was so wonderful. Bless her heart, when she heard all of the craziness I have experienced .. she said I should write a book! Then she quit working at that office and my then insurance wasn't accepted at her new practice. I just felt dumped. Now I have no insurance and am afraid to open up everthing again and they will quit eventually too.

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You're not too old. A crime is a crime and as long as he's still alive, quadruple bi-pass or not, he's still guilty of some quite horrible crimes.

 

Of course the insurance situation is unfortunate but you shouldn't apply the same situation to a police investigation. Even it does go pear shaped, write that book! Speak out, you shouldn't just suffer in silence.

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There may very well be a statute of limitations, but my guess is that he's doing this too other people right now as well too. The police can stop whatever act he may commit or is commiting to some poor child if you go in there and tell them everything. Your sisters may not know whats best for them right now, family or not, your father needs to be put in jail for everything he put you and others through.

 

Please don't let this continue.

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It is highly unlikely that you will ever have the normal father /daughter relationship you seek . NO matter how much he says he sorry, or wants to change things, it is obvious he has not. Its horrible what you went through and what the other people have suffered at his hands as well.

 

I agree no matter what health issues he has, or surgeries he has been through, that is no reason in my opinion to hold back on putting a stop to his behavior and actions.

 

No other person deserves to suffer through that kind of abuse. I would report it to authorities about the past behavior and his continued behavior. There is a starting point to put a stop to it and I would hope you act on it shortly.

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justagirl,

 

Hi. Your story wracks my soul. I am a sexual abuse survivor myself, and I know how absolutely terrifying it is to bring this to light - especially after having no one do anything after you told. No one believed me either - at first. But I kept telling and telling and eventually I was heard. I had to take it through the legal system for my own piece of mind. It felt good once it was over.

 

You are not a drama queen at all. I don't want to see you suffer anymore. You're in your 40's: you still have a good life ahead of you. It is never too late to put this to rest. Please don't give up. There are many others who go their entire lives and never tell a soul. You have shown some great guts! So I know you can take the next step.

 

It is not right of him to touch you at all. I know how confusing it must be for you. But it has to stop. Absolutely must. He needs to be put away. To protect you, to protect others. He is not safe roaming the streets. At the very least, you need to be far away from him. Safe.

 

We're here for you. Is there any way you could get help for therapy and legal guidance; maybe through a shelter or through a non-profit organization? Those things would help you. You may be right: there may be a statute of limitations and , as horrifying as it is to me, sometimes it can be very difficult to get rape charges accross. But it may help you to know that he has received his just concequence.And you are what is important.

 

This is something you need a lot of support with. We all do. It is extremely traumatic. Extremely. Your old therapist sounds like a great help - i'm so glad you had a good experience. There are other good ones out there too.

 

I'm so sorry you are suffering so. Have your nightmares came back?

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Thank you for all of your support. This seems a differant type of therapy. I have been thinking of persuing this matter legally. My sister just under me (There are 2 younger than her) said she would GLADLY testify. As far as counseling, I will seek out a new counselor. Insurance or no, it will be money well spent. : ) I just didn't have the heart to go through the whole story all over again. You have all inspired me to seek help again and to face this. It is odd however, opening up seems to have brought back the bad dreams. They are so grose. The last one, he came into my shower and was so MEAN about it. I can't get a grip on why he is so angry with me at MY pain. Is this normal that he is angry at me?

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Is this normal that he is angry at me?

I don't think there's anything normal about your father.

 

Don't think for a minute that he has any justification for his actions.

 

Oh and good luck with the legal procedings.

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I'm not entirely certain on the statute of limitations thing but I "think" in the US there is NO statute of limitations on molestation, rape and murder. I THINK. I could of course be wrong but remember those cases of adult men bringing charges against their boyhood priests or boyscout troop leaders etc.??

 

I don't want to make a recommendation as to whether or not you SHOULD proceed with legal action. I think you should do what feels right for you. But I DO strongly recommend that you don't consider that father guy's feelings into the mix. He didn't consider yours when he did what he did so you do what's rigt for YOU, regardless of him. It does sound like you have some good support from your sisters tho-

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I'm not entirely certain on the statute of limitations thing but I "think" in the US there is NO statute of limitations on molestation, rape and murder.

 

That is not correct. Though murder does not generally have a statute of limitations other crimes do. It varies from state to state whether the clock starts ticking at the time of the crime or whether it starts ticking at the time the victim realizes it was a crime. The statutes can also be different for criminal versus civil actions.

 

For criminal actions, talk to the police or district attorney in your area. For a civil action, you need to contact a private attorney - prefereably one that specializes in these types of cases.

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Thank you for all of your support. This seems a differant type of therapy. I have been thinking of persuing this matter legally. My sister just under me (There are 2 younger than her) said she would GLADLY testify. As far as counseling, I will seek out a new counselor. Insurance or no, it will be money well spent. : ) I just didn't have the heart to go through the whole story all over again. You have all inspired me to seek help again and to face this. It is odd however, opening up seems to have brought back the bad dreams. They are so grose. The last one, he came into my shower and was so MEAN about it. I can't get a grip on why he is so angry with me at MY pain. Is this normal that he is angry at me?

 

I've very glad to hear that you are seeking out a new counselor. You're right - money well spent, indeed!

 

He/she will help and should be able to provide you with a lot of practical info. as far as what you can do and what resources are available in your area, who to contact, etc.

 

I just wanted to let you know: Bad nightmares and flashbacks are totally normal after what you have been through. Delving back into it is going to bring up old memories....but it will get better! I promise you. They slow down and become less fierce over time and with the proper support from professionals - which I am so glad you are going to get.

 

It's normal that you are dreaming about your father being angry with you. Abusers instill so much fear into us. Speaking about it now and getting help is awakening that in you again: A part of you is afraid that he will get mad and do something to you because you are telling 'The Secret'.

 

It's gonna be okay. It's these sorts of questions and feelings that a professional is trained to answer. She/he will guide you along.

 

Good wishes to you. Way to go.

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He still did it and no matter how old someone is rape is rape. That's one of the most horrendous act, he took away something very valuable and force you at it against your will. If he's still alive, report this to authorities, don't let him get away with it.

To add up to it, it's also unforgivable. No matter how much he's apologizing, that's something to scar you for life. It's not the same as if you were to forgive cheating or an insult, those aren't criminal offense not things doen against your will. But rape, I would never forgive that.

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Thank you SO MUCH for those words. I always feel torment over "Why is he mad at me?" Your words made a lot of sense and comforted my confused mind. Lord help me, I am really trying. Sometimes,I think it was just better when I blocked it out of my mind, but I am certain that feeds addiction and many other problems. Thanks for being here.

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To never forgive, to me...means living in anger and hate. I HATE what he did...I HATE how I feel...I HATE he can not see me as is little girl. But FORGIVE? Yes, forgiveness is the beginning of any healing I believe. The hardest part to me, is forgiving myself. For what, I am not sure. Some philosphers say that we ASK for everything by our actions. But enough of that. I do forgive him because I am a Christian and know that is the right thing to do. He is the evil one. Thank you for your passionate response. I wish anyone would have had that passion when I was "telling". Maybe I would not still be dragging this around at 42 years of age. Keep your passion girl! Thank you.

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