My relationship with my family

lilac_indi · 04-25-2006, 07:11 PM

Hey guys,
I am a 21 year old Jatt Sikh girl from Glasgow, Scotland. For those who know a bit about the Sikh culture, a lot of expectations are pinned on the daughters of the family. I am the youngest of five daughters so as you can probably tell i have a lot to live up to and thats putting it lightly.

All four of my sisters have had arranged marriages and have never dated before marriage so they are seen as ideal daughters. I have a lot of extended family here and my immediate family is known to have the best reputation. My granddad and dad have worked hard to earn the respect that we have in the asian society and I feel that the pressure is really on.

Not only that, Sikh girls and guys are supposed to have arranged marriages so things such as having b/f or g/f is seen as a bad thing - it tarnishes the family honour and reduces the chances of having an arranged marriage - especially for a girl. I feel really down. I know that my parents want what is best for me but that does not always equal happiness.

I went out with someone - I risked that chance and I went through hell and back. I did it in secret as I had no other choice. Then i got caught not once but three times and now my relationship with my family is very strained. I cant control my feelings, I have been told that I cannot have a b/f, I am not allowed to see a guy in that way cause then there will be trouble, I have been called dirty, I have been called every swear word under the sun and I feel depressed. My family are okay with me now but the tension has still not gone completely. Right now I am trying to win back the trust of my family and it is taking its toll on me, I know i have put them through a lot.

I feel selfish for wanting to do normal things such as having a b/f, going out with friends n stuff like that but my family dont want it cos it will tarnish my chances of an arranged marriage.

I dont know wot to do.

DN · 04-25-2006, 07:19 PM

You are in a difficult position and I sympathise. But if your family is traditional and you want to be accepted as a full member then the chances are that it is you that is going to have to do things their way as they are unlikely to change - because their traditions, culture and religion are normal for them. If you decide to live as they wish that decision comes at a cost of your personal freedom to make your own decisions about your marriage.

But you are an adult in a country where 21 year old females have the right to do as they please over matters like this. If you decide that you want to live under the norms of that country and not accept the same life as your family then you can do so - but that decision will come at a cost also - possible, even probable, estrangement from your family.

No one here can properly advise you what to do - all you can do is decide what you really want and what you are prepared to sacrifice to get it.

04-25-2006, 07:11 PM	#1
lilac_indi Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: a place with no name Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 403	My relationship with my family Hey guys, I am a 21 year old Jatt Sikh girl from Glasgow, Scotland. For those who know a bit about the Sikh culture, a lot of expectations are pinned on the daughters of the family. I am the youngest of five daughters so as you can probably tell i have a lot to live up to and thats putting it lightly. All four of my sisters have had arranged marriages and have never dated before marriage so they are seen as ideal daughters. I have a lot of extended family here and my immediate family is known to have the best reputation. My granddad and dad have worked hard to earn the respect that we have in the asian society and I feel that the pressure is really on. Not only that, Sikh girls and guys are supposed to have arranged marriages so things such as having b/f or g/f is seen as a bad thing - it tarnishes the family honour and reduces the chances of having an arranged marriage - especially for a girl. I feel really down. I know that my parents want what is best for me but that does not always equal happiness. I went out with someone - I risked that chance and I went through hell and back. I did it in secret as I had no other choice. Then i got caught not once but three times and now my relationship with my family is very strained. I cant control my feelings, I have been told that I cannot have a b/f, I am not allowed to see a guy in that way cause then there will be trouble, I have been called dirty, I have been called every swear word under the sun and I feel depressed. My family are okay with me now but the tension has still not gone completely. Right now I am trying to win back the trust of my family and it is taking its toll on me, I know i have put them through a lot. I feel selfish for wanting to do normal things such as having a b/f, going out with friends n stuff like that but my family dont want it cos it will tarnish my chances of an arranged marriage. I dont know wot to do.

04-25-2006, 07:19 PM	#2
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,445	You are in a difficult position and I sympathise. But if your family is traditional and you want to be accepted as a full member then the chances are that it is you that is going to have to do things their way as they are unlikely to change - because their traditions, culture and religion are normal for them. If you decide to live as they wish that decision comes at a cost of your personal freedom to make your own decisions about your marriage. But you are an adult in a country where 21 year old females have the right to do as they please over matters like this. If you decide that you want to live under the norms of that country and not accept the same life as your family then you can do so - but that decision will come at a cost also - possible, even probable, estrangement from your family. No one here can properly advise you what to do - all you can do is decide what you really want and what you are prepared to sacrifice to get it. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".