looking for a males view

dazedandconfusedbydestiny · 04-23-2006, 06:55 PM

How would you react if you find out you have a 12 yr old son. Yes you were told that the mother was pregnant when she found out. But you never let her know if you thought the baby was yours.

You have been friends with this woman for 26 yrs, you have a one night stand using 2 forms of protection and still she gets pregnant.

Would you want to get to know your son?
Would you want your son to know your his father if he was never told?
What would you do if your friend was in a abusive relationship with her husband and she was afraid to tell him.

Doesn't help that my friend is currently serving a 5 and half month sentence of a 2 yr sentence for doing something absolutely stupid and should have known better.

I know this is a weird position, weird questions. But honestly I would like to know how another male would feel about this. To get a idea on what my friend might be going through at this time.

**avman** · 04-23-2006, 07:25 PM

Well if your friend knew there was a chance he was the father 12 years ago, why didn't he follow up on it to see for sure?

But ok, to answer your questions:

Yes, I would absolutely want to get to know my son if this were me. I would want him to know who his birth father is - though at age 12 it would be premature to drop that on him without full support of the mother. That would be too much of a bombshell for him to take without absolutely family support and help.

The relationship of the woman and her husband wouldn't be any of my business, however if the child were in danger that might prompt me to file for custody.

I am confused about who is in prison. Is it the child's mother? Or the birth father?

And how does the birth father know for sure that it is his son? Has there been a DNA test?

dazedandconfusedbydestiny · 04-23-2006, 07:27 PM

the birth father is in prison,

and other then the child looking absolutely like him, the mother and the husband didnt have sex around that time. His blood type not matching the husbands. No there hasnt been a dna test done to determine it YET. That is the next step.

dazedandconfusedbydestiny · 04-23-2006, 07:33 PM

and yes if he wants to get to know his son, I wouldn't stand in his way. After all I opened this can of worms by telling him after all these years that the boy was his. I do not worry that my husband would hurt the child hes never raised a hand against the child though he has against me. The father of the child knows this.

I am really trying to get a point of view from other males on what he may be going through thinking about. Given its been 2 weeks since I sent the first letter to him, I know giving all that I threw at him that he has alot to think about. I just hope we can get to a point where we can discuss how we want to move foward on this. I do not want to hurt my son, nor do I want to keep my friend from getting to know him.

Any decision that is going to be made is going to be a hard one. I do know I am taking the chance that my husband will go bulistic on me, I do know that I am taking the chance that my son will hate me for the rest of his life. But all I can do is try and correct everything.

**avman** · 04-23-2006, 07:40 PM

Ok, I looked back and I remember your dilemma. Before you drop this on your son you need that DNA test. Looks aren't accurate and the blood typing you mentioned isn't at all consistent. If the DNA test reveals the child is your husband's then nothing more needs to be said. If not, then it's time for those hard decisions.

And just because I or other males would want to get to know their son doesn't mean that is how your friend will react. Everybody is different. You need to talk to your friend directly to figure out how he feels about this. I would expect he's in shock and has tons of emotions he's sorting through.

dazedandconfusedbydestiny · 04-23-2006, 07:45 PM

Believe me I plan to follow through and find out deffinetly. If anything it will set my mind straight about his parentage. A friend also recomended calling the councelor at the prison hes at and see if i can get a message to him. Being my friend is about to be released in 10 weeks hes been seeing the councelor to get ready for the outside. He may have brought up what I wrote about. I do not know.

I feel better that I wrote him about everything and yes I told him that my son was his son. Among everything else I wanted to tell him but never could.

I guess asking for another males point of view I might be able to get an idea of what he may be going through and why I hadn't heard from him yet. One part of me is glad I haven't and hopes it means hes doing some serious thinking. The other part of me is scared that he may have changed and is no longer the man I knew for years.

04-23-2006, 06:55 PM	#1
dazedandconfusedbydestiny Offline Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 206	looking for a males view How would you react if you find out you have a 12 yr old son. Yes you were told that the mother was pregnant when she found out. But you never let her know if you thought the baby was yours. You have been friends with this woman for 26 yrs, you have a one night stand using 2 forms of protection and still she gets pregnant. Would you want to get to know your son? Would you want your son to know your his father if he was never told? What would you do if your friend was in a abusive relationship with her husband and she was afraid to tell him. Doesn't help that my friend is currently serving a 5 and half month sentence of a 2 yr sentence for doing something absolutely stupid and should have known better. I know this is a weird position, weird questions. But honestly I would like to know how another male would feel about this. To get a idea on what my friend might be going through at this time.

04-23-2006, 07:25 PM	#2
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	Well if your friend knew there was a chance he was the father 12 years ago, why didn't he follow up on it to see for sure? But ok, to answer your questions: Yes, I would absolutely want to get to know my son if this were me. I would want him to know who his birth father is - though at age 12 it would be premature to drop that on him without full support of the mother. That would be too much of a bombshell for him to take without absolutely family support and help. The relationship of the woman and her husband wouldn't be any of my business, however if the child were in danger that might prompt me to file for custody. I am confused about who is in prison. Is it the child's mother? Or the birth father? And how does the birth father know for sure that it is his son? Has there been a DNA test? __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

04-23-2006, 07:40 PM	#5
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	Ok, I looked back and I remember your dilemma. Before you drop this on your son you need that DNA test. Looks aren't accurate and the blood typing you mentioned isn't at all consistent. If the DNA test reveals the child is your husband's then nothing more needs to be said. If not, then it's time for those hard decisions. And just because I or other males would want to get to know their son doesn't mean that is how your friend will react. Everybody is different. You need to talk to your friend directly to figure out how he feels about this. I would expect he's in shock and has tons of emotions he's sorting through. __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

04-23-2006, 07:27 PM	#3
dazedandconfusedbydestiny Offline Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 206	the birth father is in prison, and other then the child looking absolutely like him, the mother and the husband didnt have sex around that time. His blood type not matching the husbands. No there hasnt been a dna test done to determine it YET. That is the next step.

04-23-2006, 07:33 PM	#4
dazedandconfusedbydestiny Offline Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 206	and yes if he wants to get to know his son, I wouldn't stand in his way. After all I opened this can of worms by telling him after all these years that the boy was his. I do not worry that my husband would hurt the child hes never raised a hand against the child though he has against me. The father of the child knows this. I am really trying to get a point of view from other males on what he may be going through thinking about. Given its been 2 weeks since I sent the first letter to him, I know giving all that I threw at him that he has alot to think about. I just hope we can get to a point where we can discuss how we want to move foward on this. I do not want to hurt my son, nor do I want to keep my friend from getting to know him. Any decision that is going to be made is going to be a hard one. I do know I am taking the chance that my husband will go bulistic on me, I do know that I am taking the chance that my son will hate me for the rest of his life. But all I can do is try and correct everything.

04-23-2006, 07:45 PM	#6
dazedandconfusedbydestiny Offline Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 206	Believe me I plan to follow through and find out deffinetly. If anything it will set my mind straight about his parentage. A friend also recomended calling the councelor at the prison hes at and see if i can get a message to him. Being my friend is about to be released in 10 weeks hes been seeing the councelor to get ready for the outside. He may have brought up what I wrote about. I do not know. I feel better that I wrote him about everything and yes I told him that my son was his son. Among everything else I wanted to tell him but never could. I guess asking for another males point of view I might be able to get an idea of what he may be going through and why I hadn't heard from him yet. One part of me is glad I haven't and hopes it means hes doing some serious thinking. The other part of me is scared that he may have changed and is no longer the man I knew for years.