Why am I angry all the time?

Since having my Daughter in August last year, I have been so angry and bitter especially towards my husband, thereforeeee we are contstantly fighting. And over little things or things that can be avoided. I wake up angry, I go to bed angry and we even fight in the middle of the night. Harsh words are said between both of us and it hurts me so much because I love my husband very much and dont want to end up separated or divorced.

I dont understand why I am so angry all the time. Nothing horrible has happened in my life. I gave birth and then it all started from there. Im sure its not post natal either. I am just ready to give up on my marriage and be alone.

I tired of all the negativity in my body and from my husband. I want to feel positive again and be happy.

Any advide or links on positive thoughts would be great.

Thank you

Why are you sure it's not post-natal?

Sounds to me from what you have posted that it is related to the birth of your daughter. Did you have a career prior to your daughter's birth?

I think you have to honestly examine your thoughts and try and get to the heart of why you are angry. If you can find the why it will become easier to address.

What are you angry about and why is it directed at him. When you fight with him what are the actual fights about?

Look, baby-making is serious hormone work and I've heard someone say it can take years for your body to truly recover.

It can also be that you are experiencing all these new feelings that you did not expect -- feelings of vulnerability you may not have experienced before. The reality of your marriage hits with sudden force when baby comes. You may also be suffering from doubt about your own parenting abilities.

You don't mention any specifics about your baby, but sometimes babies arrive and are not at all what we expected! Deep in our heart we wanted a girl, but didn't admit it out loud, and then we got a boy! These are natural feelings. Or maybe baby is a fussy, demanding, overly anxious type. The reality of motherhood, and married motherhood, rarely matches our dreams, desires, expectations. It's okay to suffer some while you re-align reality to your feelings (or vice versa!)

Your husband, no doubt, is also experiencing feels he may not have been prepared for.

The new parent exhaustion factors in too. You don't mention any financial issues, but generally there's some type of adjustment necessary on someone's part in that area.

Congratulations! The best thing you have done is admit out loud you feel angry.

The next thing for you to do is find out what's underneath all that anger.

Could it be you have unresolved issues with your own childhood?

Could it be you now view your own parents in a new light?

As my daughter gets older (she's 15 now) I find that I have all these old, unexplored issues with my parents relating to my own teenage years. Enough so that I went two months without speaking to them, I was that angry. But to what end? They're old, I'm not going to confront them or solve those old issues. Nonetheless, they did abandon me when I was a teenager, and it still hurts me to think about it. It just doesn't ruin my day.

I could not encourge you enough to find a therapist and explore these feelings. Even a good long chat with a true friend can help.

Feeling depressed even though nothing horrible has happened is not that unusual....but depression can be caused by many medical issues too. Check with your doctor.

Don't give up. I feel your hurt. If you are depressed, just thinking positive thoughts is not going to help you much. Won't hurt, although it may frustrate you especially if you think you "ought" to be happy.

I think for a first baby, it's quite normal to focus almost exclusively on the pregnancy and the birth and then when baby finally arrives, it's almost anti-climactic. Kinda like, now what do I do? Now what I look forward to?

Please try to be kind to yourself. Please try to be honest with yourself. I would also like you to be a happily married Mom! You deserve that and so does your baby. Not to mention hubby.

Just keep talking about your anger and you'll pass right through the root of it. What others say about you won't help. The more you say about yourself does. So just keep talking.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Im not exactly sure on why I am angry all the time. But I think It comes down to the birth of my daughter, it wasnt smooth sailing and ended up with an emergency C section. This was my worst nightmare come true. But its also thinking that my husband should know how I feel and want. And I know men arnt tuned in with their emiotions as much as woman but I need his support and him to know when Im upset and need a cuddle. He also gets angry though and lashes out at me, so it just goes back and forth.

Melrich - I have been to my doctor and he told me it wasnt PND. I have a history of depression but he didnt really help me much. I was working full time before bubs arrived but I love being a Stay at home mum for now until I go back part time.

Lunabelle- My little daughter is everything I ever dreamed about. Except for the lack of sleep. haha. But I havnt been disappointed in any way with her. Its more me and my husband. I dont feel that he cares for me and thinks of what my days are like with her at home. The crying, the teething, the not naping. etc etc. And then on the weekends he gets angry because she wakes during the night a couple of times and he has to get up. It just make me so angry that he is so selfish at times. He doesnt think he is selfish he says that I am. I have told him I need him to support me and comfort me. But it hasnt made a difference at.

Blueangel - Im talking, maybe I do just need to let it all out.

And I know men arnt tuned in with their emiotions as much as woman but I need his support and him to know when Im upset and need a cuddle.

He is in touch with his emotions but he may not be in touch with yours - especially if you don't communicate them well. He is not a mind-reader. If you want a cuddle because you are feeling down then ask for it - don't expect him to know.

I am posting below some advice I once gave to someone who had trouble getting what she wanted from her boyfriend. You may find it useful to try the technique with your husband.

People move towards comfort and away from pain. So when you want someone to do something, particularly when you are in a relationship with some one it is much better to get what you want or get them to do what you want by making it about you rather than them.

 

When you talk about your relationship make sure you start by talking about the positive aspects as well as the negative, pay him compliments for what he did well. Then address the negative as problems to be solved by both of you working together to please each other rather than attack one another. No recriminations but a desire not to hurt again.

 

My advice is to ask him to talk with you about the relationship Do not say, “We need to talk”. When guys hear that from girlfriends, they know what it really means is “I need to talk and you have to listen” and they run for the hills by either retreating into silence or start pushing back. So don’t do that.

 

In general, if you say to someone: "You don't do (whatever)" this is perceived as an attack. But if you say, "When you do (whatever) it makes me feel good/wanted/warm and fuzzy/insert positive emotion of choice" then that is seen as a request for help - it is not an attack.

 

So when you are talking to him about what you want do so in a way that is not seen as an attack (pain) but in a way that makes him want to please you (pleasure).

 

Think about the things that you want from him, what you want him to do for you, and phrase them in a way that he will not see as a criticism but as a request. Don’t say, in effect: “you are a bad boyfriend because you don’t do this, or you do that!!” because that will cause him pain and he will react with anger. Instead, say, “I feel lonely and hurt when you say that (or do that)” That way you are not so much attacking him as asking him to help you by not hurting you.

 

Remember that if you push someone, physically or emotionally they will either withdraw from you or push back. So don’t do that. Lead him, by example, into a new way of communicating: negotiate don’t demand. Compromise, don’t be unyielding. Talk rationally not emotionally about problems. Recognise that he has a point of view – he is not immature because it is not the same as yours. Ask him to help you put the relationship back where it was when you were both happy. Identify what makes both of you unhappy and work together to get those problems fixed.

Thank you DN. Yes I know all about these communication skills, but I always forget about them, I have to start using them more with hubby because I know they work. But its my anger/temper which just rises and boils which then all the communication goes out the window. But its not helping with husband yelling at me either, he has said to me that I make him sick in the mornings, basically because I asked him a question about our daughter and he answered wrong and then corrected himself after I had gotten mad at him, which makes me think he was lying in the first place. if that makes sense.

Sorry to be negative, but I am helpful of your advice.

Maybe you need to take an anger-management course before you ruin your marriage. If you get mad and yell at him it is not surprising if he yells back.

Ha ha, no he's not the perfect husband either, he will turn around and yell at me aswell. Im a good wife, I clean the house, take the bin out, look after our daughter, dinners always on the table everynight. And Im not saying Im not perfect but it takes two. He makes me angry because he just has no common sense sometimes, and hes selfish. he will eat before he feeds his daughter even though she is crying for her bottle. Sometimes if I have a sleep in, he doesnt even give her breakfast and just a bottle. He knows he has to give her breaky, he has seen me do it and he has done it. But he just gets lazy and doesnt do it because he's tired. No that to me is not a responsible father. And it just turns me off him.

No that to me is not a responsible father. And it just turns me off him.

Free this sounds like you are getting closer to the truth here. It can certainly be disappointing to discover your special someone is not the parent you hoped them to be.

Remember that some people take a while to warm up to parenting.....you two have only had a go at this less than a year.

Also, some people like certain stages of child development better than others. I really enjoyed my children as infants, but the toddler stage was too much for me! Whereas other parents might be thrilled to get out of that infant stage.

Your husband may be having a difficult adjustment to the responsibilities of parenthood. Then again, he could be depressed. Then again.... I donno' it's so hard to say. It just doesn't seem like you are puting undue pressure on him. It sounds like he is fed up and hurting too.

Would he consider couples therapy?

How long has it been since the two of got away for a weekend for two? You know you do have to keep working at the marriage. It can only wait for so long.

Why did your doc rule out PND absolutely? Just curious.

Free, I think I made some big mistakes with my marriage when issues like this started cropping up....feel free to PM if you want.

He makes me angry because he just has no common sense sometimes, and hes selfish. he will eat before he feeds his daughter even though she is crying for her bottle. Sometimes if I have a sleep in, he doesnt even give her breakfast and just a bottle. He knows he has to give her breaky, he has seen me do it and he has done it. But he just gets lazy and doesnt do it because he's tired. No that to me is not a responsible father. And it just turns me off him.

Why did you not say this at the outset. First of all you don't know why you are angry and now all of a sudden it's because he is a bad father.

Does he criticise your parenting skills?

Why did you not say this at the outset. First of all you don't know why you are angry and now all of a sudden it's because he is a bad father.

DN, sometimes it does take people time to come to the point themselves......you have to take the first step before you can take the next....she had to start somewhere.

It's possible she didn't even realize how she really felt until she got on here and started posting and answering posts.

She does seem like she is being open about how she feels though.

Also, it can be tough for the full-time caregiver to listen to the part-timer grouse about the work involved in parenting. Preaching to the choir!

Arguments about who gives children better care are unlikely to make for harmonious co-parenting which is a more constructive way to look at parenting than primary and secondary. Better to discuss these issues calmly without angry recriminations - not just in the interests of the relationship but also in the best interests of the child.

As to your comment about coming to the point. There is a difference in a growing realisation about what makes us angry through talking about it and changing the issue to something different.

The OP is in danger of losing her marriage and needs to take responsibility for her part in what is happening. Putting all the blame for her anger on his parenting skills is unlikely to help anything.

As to your comment about coming to the point. There is a difference in a growing realisation about what makes us angry through talking about it and changing the issue to something different.

DN I see your point!

I guess from my perspective it seemed like there was more of a process going on within her instead of a statement being made.

I don't see where she changed the issue at all.

Becoming parents can certainly devastate a perfectly good marriage not to mention what it does to the crummy ones.

Putting all the blame for her anger on his parenting skills is unlikely to help anything.

I do see Free taking the responsibility.

But his parenting is the source of her anger according to her posts. I think it will help if she admits that out loud and comes up with a plan to discuss it with him in a reasonable manner. She may need to do it at a counselor's office to be calm about it.

It sounds like he's quite unhappy too. Maybe he has some of his own opinions about her parenting skills.

I do see Free taking the responsibility.

 

But his parenting is the source of her anger according to her posts. I think it will help if she admits that out loud and comes up with a plan to discuss it with him in a reasonable manner. She may need to do it at a counselor's office to be calm about it.

 

It sounds like he's quite unhappy too. Maybe he has some of his own opinions about her parenting skills.

The thing is I really believe there is more to this than parenting skills and that there are other issues driving this. I certainly agree that counselling is required but that may not help unless she, and perhaps her husband, can get the anger under control.

Since having my Daughter in August last year, I have been so angry and bitter especially towards my husband, thereforeeee we are contstantly fighting. And over little things or things that can be avoided. I wake up angry, I go to bed angry and we even fight in the middle of the night.

She says this problem has occurred since the birth of the baby. I doubt his lack of perenting skills manifested itself early enough for her to be that angry that quickly. And she also says they fight over many things.

I really believe there is more to this than parenting skills and that there are other issues driving this.

I agree. The anger is likely more of a symptom of a problem, not the actual problem. (In this particular situation).

I hope they can work it out! For everyone's sake!

DN -- this is about the advice you posted -- what you had once given to someone about communicating with the man in her life. I read it today. I have just come through a terrible week of fighting and anger and resentment with my husband. I came online to try and solve my problem -- anger and mis-communication -- and I found your post.

I found what you said so very, very useful. And it helps that it comes from a man. A species I have found difficult to understand. After reading your advice, I realise what I am doing wrong.

It makes me less scared when I see that other women are also in my situation. And I sympathise totally with Free -- the selfishness, the shutting off, the irresponsibility about his share of chores, the anger response when we want understanding.... I break down or I get angry because I want him to reach out to me and SEE that I am in pain... but all I get in return is more anger or just withdrawal. And DN - I have tried saying it in so many words: "Please just hold me or comfort me, that's all I want." it hasnt helped -- he says he can't do it.

It's hard to cope Free, very very hard... Just hang in there and do what I am doing -- read all you can about anger and men and communicating with them..

So, yes, DN -- thanks a ton. It helps, it really does. Let me try doing things your way. If I can.

what is your diet like? i know this can contribute.