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how to tell a child his father isnt his father


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How do you begin to tell a child that the father he always thought was his, isn't. Just recently I notified his real father that he is a father. Kind of long story but look for my other post it will give you more of a idea on whats going on. No my husband who has raised my child along with our other 2 has no idea that the son he has raised isnt his either. its under finding love and soulmates. Anyone ever face this, the boy is 12 yrs old.

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Oh God...that is an enormous issue and I really do not think that anyone on these forums will have the qualifications to give you the correct advice (especially sight unseen) and you really need the correct advice.

 

The best thing I think anyone can tell you is to consult long and hard with a child phsychiatrist and a counselling professional. you have 2 things to handle here, your sons welfare and your husbands. This is not something to step into lightly.

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believe me i know. It has been a hard decision to even tell my friend that we created a child 13 yrs ago. Dont get me wrong. I told him i was pregnant when i found out. But he assumed it was my husbands since he withdrew and i was on the pill. I never corrected him. It has gotten harder and harder as time has gone by because my son looks so much like his father its scarry. If he had black curly hair he would be his fathers double. I have no clue how my husband never figured it out either. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that the child doesn't look like him.

 

So you know my friend lives over 200 miles away so its not like he has seen our child much. We talked alot on the phone but other then that. It's been 10 yrs since we saw each other in person. People ask me how im so certain that hes not my husbands without a paternity test. All i can say is, to put their pictures next to each other. You would think my son was his father as a child.

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Are you planning to tell your husband that this boy isn't his biological son?

 

It seems that telling the biological father now after your husband has been raising this child as his own with no knowledge that he is not his biological son, is incredibly selfish and has the potential to destroy your family.

 

What do you plan to do?

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It seems that telling the biological father now after your husband has been raising this child as his own with no knowledge that he is not his biological son, is incredibly selfish and has the potential to destroy your family.

 

Yes I agree to an extent. I think you have to get your priorities right here. This is not about your ex at the moment, after all trhat has happened he is incidental to the issue and in fact any hint that you have concerns about his role and feelings may increase the impact on your husband and son.

 

This is about your husband and son. Concentrate on that issue. Not your ex.

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honestly i do not care what happens to my marriage when this comes out. I feel as though i have lived a lie for all these years. If my husband cant take the news then so be it. Its time for me to move on in that case. I do care about what will happen with my son and my other children though. My sons life is more important. I know breaking the news to him and my husband is going to be devestating to him. But there isn't much i can do about that other then to remain silent and see where it goes from here now that his father knows about him being his son. Or tell my husband and have him beat the crap out of me, and have my son find out the truth and be no where period. I told his real father because i hated lying to him about this for all these years, we always talked about everything but the one thing i should have told him i couldn't.

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Get out of there and get yourself some help.

 

This is way too much for one person to carry alone and if someone is going to beat the crap out of you for it, you need to get away from that person.

 

Either tell him from a distance or in the safety of a counselor.

 

You do need to tell him but your safety and the safety of your children take top priority.

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But there isn't much i can do about that other then to remain silent and see where it goes from here now that his father knows about him being his son.

 

There is a lot you can do about it. First you can get the best advice on how to tell your son. Then you can get the best advice on how to help your son through it. Then you can get the best advice on how the manage your other children through it.

 

To be honest, I don't think at the moment that you have any clear picture about how this is going to impact ALL the dynamics of your family structure.

 

Learn as much as you can about how to manage and deal with this before you do anything. Try and anticipate how everyone will react, your husband, your son, your other kids the rest of your families. Try and plan for how you are going to manage those reactions. What are your responses going to be.

 

No matter how you cut it, this won't be easy. But you can do things to mitigate the consequences. That is why you need professional help. It won't make the problem disappear, it won't put you in control of the situation but it will gibve you the best cahnce to minimise the damage.

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That is not definitive evidence.

 

Before you absolutely devestate your son and risk your own safety you should consider getting away from your husband first, and then have a DNA test done to confirm this suspicion NEXT before you tell your son ANYTHING.

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It is dangerous to base it on looks. I don't think I'd recommend upsetting the apple cart if you don't have absolute proof.

 

Since you've already told your friend, I'd suggest you get a DNA test. Your son doesn't need to know exactly what you are doing yet. You can generally use a swab from inside his cheek to get a sample for the test. I would think your friend would be willing to submit a sample as well. Contact a lab that specializes in doing paternity tests and find out for sure before you spring this on your son.

 

And the other posters are right, I'd suggest having the help of a family counselor if and when it comes time to tell him. But get the test done first.

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I'd suggest you get a DNA test

 

Yes that is good advice. Looks are not proof positive and given your belief about his father you may even be "projecting" a look on to your son.

 

Get a DNA test done. As Avman says you can do this without your son having to know.

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An A type mother and an O type father could only have either an A or an O type baby. Rh factor doesn't matter.

 

So that is one indication he may not be your husbands son. But I still recommend a DNA test. That is a conclusive test whereas blood types are less precise.

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