What society expects

mythy · 04-10-2006, 08:51 AM

Hi,

I'm feeling a bit worn down by the world tonight and was hoping for some comfort!! I am 19 and my boyfriend just turned 35, I would like to know how other people in age gap relationships deal with the stigma and prejudice that (no doubt) most of us get from society. I have an unshakeable belief that what I am doing is the right thing to do and that I would be betraying everything I believe in and stand up for, if I were to not be in this relationship due to societal pressure. However, that doesn't stop me feeling awful when friends and family dont accept, and probably never will fully accept this. My family have not openly disapproved, but occasionally a sly comment will be slipped in here and there, and I get a strong sense that I am an embarassment to my family for doing this. I can't shake the feeling that we are being watched and judged everytime we go out in public, my friends would not understand even being friends with someone 5+ years older than them let alone dating someone.
Any advice??

second_opinion · 04-10-2006, 08:56 AM

dont worry what other people say or think, I myself like older guys (7-9yrs+) I find them to be much more mature then the guys in my age group. I personaly woldnt care what other people say or think because its what you think and want that matters the most.

PocoDiablo · 04-10-2006, 09:05 AM

I'm 36. My fiance is 23. Guess what?

They're jealous.

Everyone is jealous of the beautiful younger woman with the established older man, and everyone is jealous of the older man with the vivacious younger woman. Tell me I'm wrong.

You like your man because he is so much more than guys your age. He likes you because you're not jaded and bitter like women his age. You are in awe of each other. And every time someone says something stupid like that, it should REINFORCE the fact that you're together for each other and not to be part of the petty, childish, jealous lives of everyone else.

Ask them. Just ask them. "So you wouldn't date a hot younger woman? Are you sterile or something?" or "You wouldn't date an older established man? You'd rather date some drunk frat boy without a plan for his life?"

Hold your head up high and laugh at them. Really. They are all jealous of your success.

kellbell · 04-10-2006, 09:13 AM

Hi there,

Ok...now if family and friends expressed their concern, then I believe they are geninuely concerned about you and do not want you to get hurt. I would be concerned if a friend of mine was in a age gap relationship but I would not be against it or try to rain on my friends' parade. I support my friends and family fully.

However, any one else...to heck with them. I would chalk it up to jealousy and people not being able to mind their business. Keep your head up. Good luck with everything.

ElektraHere · 04-10-2006, 09:28 AM

Hi There,

I would like to ask you this why if you are comfortable with this are you posting to ask if its ok? If it really didnt matter what people think then our opinions pretty much can be cancelled out.

I think that KellBell is right your friends and family can see this outside the box. Whereas you are in the relationship of course you won't see anything wrong. Although I too shut out my family because they discouraged my dating someone they didnt care for. I too wanted to prove them wrong I ended up cutting my friends off and stopped talking to my family for 6 months. I am no longer with the boyfriend because after I had lost them I realized "HELLO WAKE UP SISTER!"

I dont have problems with age gaps at all the b/f I was speaking off was 10 years older then me. I was 26 he 36. I just don't see what a 35 y.o. man would have in commone with a 19 y.o. gal? I have a brother who is 19 and I couldn't even fathom dating his friends and I am 33.

I guess my opinion on this is that you should really think about this relationship. You still have alot of growing and changing and what you beleive now WILL change in 5 years. Then again it will change in another 5 years etc. I look back at when I was 19 and I had a good head on my shoulders however some of my thoughts and outlooks have sooo drastically changed.

That's my two cents.

mythy · 04-10-2006, 09:41 AM

No I am not asking if it is ok. I have been living with this man for a year now. I moved away from home and my hometown 3 years ago and have supported myself completely since then. I am very comfortable with my decision because I am pretty clued up to whats going on in this world. It still hurts that the people who love you don't support what you are doing. And as for why he might be interested in a 19 yo girl? Well, you're missing the point, he is interested in me, the person, not the 19 yo girl. And no, I am not being naive by saying this. I live and talk to this person everyday, we are interested in the same things, we like to discuss the same things and do the same things and there is nothing going on in our relationship which would suggest that he is living with me because I am younger... oh except I spose that he likes me to put my hair in pigtails and wear knee high stockings and a nice little check skirt.

AwdreeHpburn · 04-10-2006, 09:58 AM

mythy - this is such a difficult position you are in and I feel for you.

On the one hand, you feel - screw it, I'm in love and all is good, who cares.

But on the other hand, when you see the negative responses, it can wear on you, like you said. Its ok to allow yourself to feel the weight. Just as long as you can pull back out of it and feel strong enough to give it another go.

The thing about these type situations is that its still not quite the "norm" in our society to date people that much older or younger than ourselves. Sort of like bi-racial dating. In the 1920's people had to run off and hide if they dated someone of a different race.

And your poor bf. He must get either the big smile with the several-in-a-row raised eyebrows or the scorn one would give a pedophile.

The adults in your life probably think you are still too young to make such decisions and that he is too old to be anything but a pervert.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. The only thing I can offer is that things will get better with time. The longer this relationship is around, the more comfortable people will become. They just will.

My 30 year old brother married a 19 year old and we were all a little nervous at first. Will she stay around or grow up and out of him. Is he already doing the mid-life thing and needing to prove he can still get the younger girls etc.

But now, they have a beautiful daughter and another baby on the way. She's a wonderful wife, person etc. Can't think of anyone better for him.

CamGuy · 04-10-2006, 09:59 AM

First of all, who cares what others think?! Do whatever makes you, just as long as it doesnt infringe on the rights of others. People will always pass judgement on you. But here is the kicker.,,,,you cant please everyone. SO why bother trying to.

However, in hindsight, I also grow tired of people thinking that only older men are mature and stable. I have a few girlfriends that are my age, and dating 40+ year olds because they claim they are more "mature and loyal", yadda yadda yadda. This annoys me, because I am anything but immature. I think the trick with love is to never set boundaries (obscure boundaries) nor limits on where you can find it.

A 20 yr old can offer the same amount of love a 40 yr old can. It just about finding the right partner.

Anyways, stay strong, and follow your heart. But also have an open mind.

HappyDaisy · 04-10-2006, 10:06 AM

I am a 32 year old woman dating a 25 year old man. He'll be 26 soon. I hear about it constantly from people. It gets tiring. I had a friend who is one year older than me criticize me for "robbing the cradle" when his wife is only one year older than my bf. Seriously

People are just jealous or bored or nosey.

If you are happy and your relationship is going great, just ignore them. I know its hard, especially if its family and close friends. But you have to do what is right by you.

Best Wishes,

CamGuy · 04-10-2006, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HappyDaisy

I am a 32 year old woman dating a 25 year old man. He'll be 26 soon. I hear about it constantly from people. It gets tiring. I had a friend who is one year older than me criticize me for "robbing the cradle" when his wife is only one year older than my bf. Seriously

People are just jealous or bored or nosey.

If you are happy and your relationship is going great, just ignore them. I know its hard, especially if its family and close friends. But you have to do what is right by you.

Best Wishes,

Good. See....he is a 25 yr old MALE, and can obviously statisfy your needs. I bet he is mature and stable as well.

04-10-2006, 08:51 AM	#1
mythy Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 15	What society expects Hi, I'm feeling a bit worn down by the world tonight and was hoping for some comfort!! I am 19 and my boyfriend just turned 35, I would like to know how other people in age gap relationships deal with the stigma and prejudice that (no doubt) most of us get from society. I have an unshakeable belief that what I am doing is the right thing to do and that I would be betraying everything I believe in and stand up for, if I were to not be in this relationship due to societal pressure. However, that doesn't stop me feeling awful when friends and family dont accept, and probably never will fully accept this. My family have not openly disapproved, but occasionally a sly comment will be slipped in here and there, and I get a strong sense that I am an embarassment to my family for doing this. I can't shake the feeling that we are being watched and judged everytime we go out in public, my friends would not understand even being friends with someone 5+ years older than them let alone dating someone. Any advice??

04-10-2006, 09:05 AM	#3
PocoDiablo Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Springfield, VA Gender: Male Age: 40 Posts: 2,423	I'm 36. My fiance is 23. Guess what? They're jealous. Everyone is jealous of the beautiful younger woman with the established older man, and everyone is jealous of the older man with the vivacious younger woman. Tell me I'm wrong. You like your man because he is so much more than guys your age. He likes you because you're not jaded and bitter like women his age. You are in awe of each other. And every time someone says something stupid like that, it should REINFORCE the fact that you're together for each other and not to be part of the petty, childish, jealous lives of everyone else. Ask them. Just ask them. "So you wouldn't date a hot younger woman? Are you sterile or something?" or "You wouldn't date an older established man? You'd rather date some drunk frat boy without a plan for his life?" Hold your head up high and laugh at them. Really. They are all jealous of your success. __________________ Advice given is only as good as the details you provide, and even then it's just an opinion. No one knows the situation as well as you do, so trust your gut.

04-10-2006, 09:13 AM	#4
kellbell Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 4,333	Hi there, Ok...now if family and friends expressed their concern, then I believe they are geninuely concerned about you and do not want you to get hurt. I would be concerned if a friend of mine was in a age gap relationship but I would not be against it or try to rain on my friends' parade. I support my friends and family fully. However, any one else...to heck with them. I would chalk it up to jealousy and people not being able to mind their business. Keep your head up. Good luck with everything. __________________ "Let your soul be your pilot, let your soul guide you, it will guide you well." Sting <---- me and my mom :) "Get busy living or get busy dyin', damn right..." Morgan Freeman, Shawshank Redemption.

04-10-2006, 09:58 AM	#7
AwdreeHpburn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tiffany's Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 4,637	mythy - this is such a difficult position you are in and I feel for you. On the one hand, you feel - screw it, I'm in love and all is good, who cares. But on the other hand, when you see the negative responses, it can wear on you, like you said. Its ok to allow yourself to feel the weight. Just as long as you can pull back out of it and feel strong enough to give it another go. The thing about these type situations is that its still not quite the "norm" in our society to date people that much older or younger than ourselves. Sort of like bi-racial dating. In the 1920's people had to run off and hide if they dated someone of a different race. And your poor bf. He must get either the big smile with the several-in-a-row raised eyebrows or the scorn one would give a pedophile. The adults in your life probably think you are still too young to make such decisions and that he is too old to be anything but a pervert. I'm sorry you're going thru this. The only thing I can offer is that things will get better with time. The longer this relationship is around, the more comfortable people will become. They just will. My 30 year old brother married a 19 year old and we were all a little nervous at first. Will she stay around or grow up and out of him. Is he already doing the mid-life thing and needing to prove he can still get the younger girls etc. But now, they have a beautiful daughter and another baby on the way. She's a wonderful wife, person etc. Can't think of anyone better for him. __________________ What i really meant to say, is that I'm sorry for the way I am...... Last edited by AwdreeHpburn; 04-11-2006 at 02:35 PM.

04-10-2006, 08:56 AM	#2
second_opinion Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 308	dont worry what other people say or think, I myself like older guys (7-9yrs+) I find them to be much more mature then the guys in my age group. I personaly woldnt care what other people say or think because its what you think and want that matters the most.

04-10-2006, 09:28 AM	#5
ElektraHere Offline Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: West Coast Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 2,379	Hi There, I would like to ask you this why if you are comfortable with this are you posting to ask if its ok? If it really didnt matter what people think then our opinions pretty much can be cancelled out. I think that KellBell is right your friends and family can see this outside the box. Whereas you are in the relationship of course you won't see anything wrong. Although I too shut out my family because they discouraged my dating someone they didnt care for. I too wanted to prove them wrong I ended up cutting my friends off and stopped talking to my family for 6 months. I am no longer with the boyfriend because after I had lost them I realized "HELLO WAKE UP SISTER!" I dont have problems with age gaps at all the b/f I was speaking off was 10 years older then me. I was 26 he 36. I just don't see what a 35 y.o. man would have in commone with a 19 y.o. gal? I have a brother who is 19 and I couldn't even fathom dating his friends and I am 33. I guess my opinion on this is that you should really think about this relationship. You still have alot of growing and changing and what you beleive now WILL change in 5 years. Then again it will change in another 5 years etc. I look back at when I was 19 and I had a good head on my shoulders however some of my thoughts and outlooks have sooo drastically changed. That's my two cents.

04-10-2006, 09:41 AM	#6
mythy Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 15	No I am not asking if it is ok. I have been living with this man for a year now. I moved away from home and my hometown 3 years ago and have supported myself completely since then. I am very comfortable with my decision because I am pretty clued up to whats going on in this world. It still hurts that the people who love you don't support what you are doing. And as for why he might be interested in a 19 yo girl? Well, you're missing the point, he is interested in me, the person, not the 19 yo girl. And no, I am not being naive by saying this. I live and talk to this person everyday, we are interested in the same things, we like to discuss the same things and do the same things and there is nothing going on in our relationship which would suggest that he is living with me because I am younger... oh except I spose that he likes me to put my hair in pigtails and wear knee high stockings and a nice little check skirt.

04-10-2006, 09:59 AM	#8
CamGuy Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: South Age: 29 Posts: 204	First of all, who cares what others think?! Do whatever makes you, just as long as it doesnt infringe on the rights of others. People will always pass judgement on you. But here is the kicker.,,,,you cant please everyone. SO why bother trying to. However, in hindsight, I also grow tired of people thinking that only older men are mature and stable. I have a few girlfriends that are my age, and dating 40+ year olds because they claim they are more "mature and loyal", yadda yadda yadda. This annoys me, because I am anything but immature. I think the trick with love is to never set boundaries (obscure boundaries) nor limits on where you can find it. A 20 yr old can offer the same amount of love a 40 yr old can. It just about finding the right partner. Anyways, stay strong, and follow your heart. But also have an open mind.

04-10-2006, 10:06 AM	#9
HappyDaisy Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 20	I am a 32 year old woman dating a 25 year old man. He'll be 26 soon. I hear about it constantly from people. It gets tiring. I had a friend who is one year older than me criticize me for "robbing the cradle" when his wife is only one year older than my bf. Seriously People are just jealous or bored or nosey. If you are happy and your relationship is going great, just ignore them. I know its hard, especially if its family and close friends. But you have to do what is right by you. Best Wishes,