Money and my girlfriend

[tihash]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 3 months. On our first date, she told me how she always dated guys that never had money and she had to pay for everything in those relationships. She said never had, but always wanted, a relationship that was 50/50. I paid for the first date, she paid for the second date (after refusing my offer to pay), and it went on like that for about 2 or 3weeks.

Every Tuesday has been our night to cook dinner for each other. We will take turns buying the food and cooking for the other person. It is always at my house, as she lives with her parents. But I have had to buy the food and cook it the last 3 times in a row, and tomorrow will make time number four in a row.

She recently claimed she was "broke," but she goes to Starbucks at least once, and many times twice, a day, every day. She likes to read, and buys about 4 or 5 magazines a week. She treats her pregnant coworker friend to Starbucks every day at work, because she feels bad for the coworker because the coworker is a single mom. She wears designer clothes and owns seven Coach handbags. Last week she bought a Dior piece of jewelry.

I buy the wine she drinks for my house (I don't drink wine), I buy the brand of bottled water she likes to drink ( I drink a different brand), I buy the brand of beer she likes to drink for my house (I drink a different brand).

Although we never discussed specifics, I am guessing I make about triple what she does. When we go out for dinner, the movies, or drinks, I always pay. She has never paid once for any of that. I am not complaining about that kind of stuff, but I am almost worried she sees me as the person who will always pay for everything, even though she knows my job security is very uncertain and I just bought a house I am renovating and am having to spend quite a bit for home improvements, furniture, etc. Although I make a lot more, money is sorta tight with me, too. I just don't expect the burden to fall on her.

What is disturbing me are three things:

1. She got a headache twice last week at my house, and said she would need to get some Alleve to keep there (she does not like aspirin, which I have). The headaches were severe enough they ruined our evening together. I mentioned it the other day, and asjked if she picked up some Alleve, and she said she was "too broke" to buy any Alleve. Of course, her $10/day Starbucks habit, treating friends and coworkers to coffee or lunch, etc has kept on.

2. We used to take turns making dinner for one another. She could, for $3, buy pasta and a jar of sauce and make that. It is the thought that counts. I see it as she could drink the free coffee in the breakroom at work once every 2 weeks and save enough to pay for pasta when it is her turn to cook.

3. Her best friend lives in another city about 2 hours away. She always goes there to visit her friend; the friend comes her, it seems to me, about once for every three or four times my girlfriend goes there. Anyway, she invited me to come with her, and I of course said yes. It is about 3 weeks from now, and my girlfriend now has indicated she wants to leave Saturday morning and come back Sunday, spending the night. She told me when she goes alone, she sleeps in her friend's bed, but we will have to get a hotel since I am coming. I am quite certain she wants me to pay for it, although she has not said so directly. I couldn't imagine inviting her somewhere then expecting for her to pay for any part of the trip, much less foot the entire hotel room expense. By the way, I always drive us everywhere in my car and I would pay for the gas and tolls, which does not bother me at all.

Anyhow, our relationship is good otherwise.

Am I being unreasonable or oversenstive?

If not, how can i address these issues with her without appearing "controlling"?

I can handle her being broke. I don't like that she claims to be broke, and acts broke when she is with me, but keeps spending on herself and her friends.

[becallamjr]

I feel for you bro. What you need to do is be honest with her. If your honest your not gonna come off controling, just reitterate what she had stated in the beginning about 50/50. If she claims to be "broke" then you can bring up the starbucks and everything else. Make sure it doesn't escalate into an argument and if she is not open to talk about it, you are being used.

[PocoDiablo]

The first thing that comes to mind to me is that she's a golddigger and you're a sucker with a paycheck. Shall we look at this?

Originally Posted by tihash

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 3 months. On our first date, she told me how she always dated guys that never had money and she had to pay for everything in those relationships.

So from the very beginning she set up that money was important to her.

What was your first date, by the way? How much did you spend? Less than $20?

Originally Posted by tihash

She said never had, but always wanted, a relationship that was 50/50. I paid for the first date, she paid for the second date (after refusing my offer to pay), and it went on like that for about 2 or 3weeks.

How expensive were these dates, and were the amounts equal that she paid versus you paid?

Originally Posted by tihash

Every Tuesday has been our night to cook dinner for each other. We will take turns buying the food and cooking for the other person. It is always at my house, as she lives with her parents. But I have had to buy the food and cook it the last 3 times in a row, and tomorrow will make time number four in a row.

So actions speak louder than words. She doesn't really want 50/50, does she?

Originally Posted by tihash

She recently claimed she was "broke," but she goes to Starbucks at least once, and many times twice, a day, every day. She likes to read, and buys about 4 or 5 magazines a week. She treats her pregnant coworker friend to Starbucks every day at work, because she feels bad for the coworker because the coworker is a single mom. She wears designer clothes and owns seven Coach handbags. Last week she bought a Dior piece of jewelry.

Dior? Coach? Designer clothes? She's not broke, you're a sucker who is most likely paying her way. I would have laughed at her and said "So sell one of your hundred dollar purses on eBay!"

Originally Posted by tihash

I buy the wine she drinks for my house (I don't drink wine), I buy the brand of bottled water she likes to drink ( I drink a different brand), I buy the brand of beer she likes to drink for my house (I drink a different brand).

Wow! Hey, you know, I've always wanted a friend who pays for things 50-50. Can I come over?

Originally Posted by tihash

Although we never discussed specifics, I am guessing I make about triple what she does. When we go out for dinner, the movies, or drinks, I always pay. She has never paid once for any of that. I am not complaining about that kind of stuff, but I am almost worried she sees me as the person who will always pay for everything, even though she knows my job security is very uncertain and I just bought a house I am renovating and am having to spend quite a bit for home improvements, furniture, etc. Although I make a lot more, money is sorta tight with me, too. I just don't expect the burden to fall on her.

So YOU'RE the broke one but paying her way? I think she is getting a good deal, and you ... well, not so much.

Unless she is helping out in other ways. You buy dinner, she cooks and cleans?

Originally Posted by tihash

What is disturbing me are three things:

1. She got a headache twice last week at my house, and said she would need to get some Alleve to keep there (she does not like aspirin, which I have). The headaches were severe enough they ruined our evening together. I mentioned it the other day, and asjked if she picked up some Alleve, and she said she was "too broke" to buy any Alleve. Of course, her $10/day Starbucks habit, treating friends and coworkers to coffee or lunch, etc has kept on.

Too broke seems to be a over-used line, huh? Your feeling something is wrong. Guess what? TRUST YOUR GUT. Something is wrong. Her actions speak louder than her words. She thinks you will buy it for her. Next time tell her you're broke, too. I wonder what would happen if she thought you were broke. Would she stick it out with you?

Originally Posted by tihash

2. We used to take turns making dinner for one another. She could, for $3, buy pasta and a jar of sauce and make that. It is the thought that counts. I see it as she could drink the free coffee in the breakroom at work once every 2 weeks and save enough to pay for pasta when it is her turn to cook.

Oh, but she likes Starbucks! How could you be so mean? (Sarcasm.) Please, $3 is too much?

Originally Posted by tihash

3. Her best friend lives in another city about 2 hours away. She always goes there to visit her friend; the friend comes her, it seems to me, about once for every three or four times my girlfriend goes there. Anyway, she invited me to come with her, and I of course said yes. It is about 3 weeks from now, and my girlfriend now has indicated she wants to leave Saturday morning and come back Sunday, spending the night. She told me when she goes alone, she sleeps in her friend's bed, but we will have to get a hotel since I am coming. I am quite certain she wants me to pay for it, although she has not said so directly. I couldn't imagine inviting her somewhere then expecting for her to pay for any part of the trip, much less foot the entire hotel room expense.

Um ... HELLO. Something is wrong here. I'm not going to get into it, but yeah I would totally call bullsh** on this. Offer to go if she pays for half the gas, and you'll be "happy to sleep on the floor." See what happens. I bet she flips out. Why? Because she wants you to spend all your money on her like all the other suckers.

So are you having sex with her? You don't have to tell me, but you better be. I hope you're getting something out of this.

Originally Posted by tihash

By the way, I always drive us everywhere in my car and I would pay for the gas and tolls, which does not bother me at all.

Anyhow, our relationship is good otherwise.

Am I being unreasonable or oversenstive?

If not, how can i address these issues with her without appearing "controlling"?

You tell her it's bull. She goes to Starbucks and then cries she's broke, and her Coach purse is empty.

There is a quote that says something like "You either marry a golden egg or a goose egg." Your financial future depends on the spending habits of your woman. This woman is clearly going to wipe you out financially. I would dump a woman based on that and that alone.

Let me ask you this: What would she do to you if you (1) lost your job or (2) lost your house. Do you think she'd support you, stick by your side, help you? Obviously not! She'd dump you and find some other guy.

If you really need to find out, tell her you just found out you're getting laid off in four weeks. Tell her things are going to be tight. Then keep doing the usual, and remind her she said she wanted to be 50-50 in her relationship and since she's been lagging lately she needs to make dinner tonight.

I bet she's broke or busy or some other excuse. As soon as you start getting excuses ... you're done.

Originally Posted by tihash

I can handle her being broke. I don't like that she claims to be broke, and acts broke when she is with me, but keeps spending on herself and her friends.

You are absolutely right to feel that way.

I think you're getting used. I'd tell you to move on before she cleans you out.

[Goodfun88]

I say call her out on it. Obviously this is bothering you so you should confront her and ask what's up. Next time she claims to be broke, ask her how she is able to continue to drink her starbucks everyday yet, can't supply the ingredients to make a meal at your house. Tell her you feel taken advantage of. Tell her that you don't mind paying, but you are bothered by her claiming that she is so broke, yet continuing to spend money on herself. Remind her of her 50/50 comment. Since you do make quite a bit more that her, I wouldn't think you would mind paying more often, but it I'm sure it would be nice if she offered every once and awhile. I think you are doing more than enough to accomodate her and her tastes. Good luck!

[tihash]

Thanks for the advice, guys.

To answer your questions, Poco:

Yes, we have sex. Actually, most of the time we don't go out but just hang out at my place, talk, watch TV, and have sex.

Also, there is something I left out: Her parents apparently pay for a lot of things for her (car payment, car insurance, many of the designer clothes), and they are well-off... huge, 2-story house, 3-car garage, etc.

The first date we each paid for our own Starbucks, then we went to a bar and I paid. It was about $15. Date 2 she paid for our mini golf, which was about $20. I have taken her out to dinner or drinks about 3 times since then and I always pay.

She seems honest and sincere and very, very much in love with me... but I am thinking somehow in her mind (is it a girl thing?) that Starbucks, Cosmo, and lunch with her friends are necessities.

It is just the whole "too broke" to buy a bottle of Alleve or a jar of pasta sauce is getting really insulting.


By the way, she drank up the last of the wine I bought her and she mentioned something like "we need to get more wine" a few times. I ignored it, and she finally bought a bottle last night. Foolishly, I felt like I won a battle by doing that. The last time we needed wine I bought 3 bottles.

[PocoDiablo]

Originally Posted by tihash

Also, there is something I left out: Her parents apparently pay for a lot of things for her (car payment, car insurance, many of the designer clothes), and they are well-off... huge, 2-story house, 3-car garage, etc.

Oh, she's spoiled. Obviously this is what she expects. Sounds like she is more a child than a contributing adult...

Originally Posted by tihash

She seems honest and sincere and very, very much in love with me... but I am thinking somehow in her mind (is it a girl thing?) that Starbucks, Cosmo, and lunch with her friends are necessities.

Being social is important, but she's in a different place than you. You pay your bills, she doesn't. She does not understand the value of money, as it sounds like she doesn't have to work to get it.

Originally Posted by tihash

It is just the whole "too broke" to buy a bottle of Alleve or a jar of pasta sauce is getting really insulting.

Yeah, you think? This one line really sums it up for me.

Originally Posted by tihash

By the way, she drank up the last of the wine I bought her and she mentioned something like "we need to get more wine" a few times. I ignored it, and she finally bought a bottle last night. Foolishly, I felt like I won a battle by doing that. The last time we needed wine I bought 3 bottles.

So she's going to nag you to get her way?

I think you can do better, don't you? Confront her about it - in a mature way - and ask if she's going to pull her weight.

[kellbell]

Ok...you have been given some great advice but your last post concerned me.

Did she drink those 3 bottles in one evening you spent together? Because if she did, I would really be concerned about her drinking and not so much about money.

[tihash]

No, the three bottles lasted several weeks.

When we first began dating, she would bring over a bottle of wine on the nights I cooked for her.

After 4 or 5 weeks, that ended. I bought a few bottles at once to last us for a while.

[annie24]

uggg.... I don't like the sound of her. I really agree with poco's analysis.

ok, here's a thought.... do you think it's possible that she doesn't realize that starbuck's everyday is draining her money? $3 here and there doesn't seem like a big deal, but one such drink a day leads to $1000 a year!!!!!!

Maybe she hasn't done that math.

I myself am addicted to starbucks and trashy magazines. Now that I bought an espresso machine, I've found it's already paid for itself many times over! But, i'll still go to starbucks once or twice a week. However, that's $6 a week, as opposed to $35 or so.

Maybe she just doesn't realize how much money she is spending.

Yup. it's time to put your foot down. About visiting the friend, just say you'd love to go, but with your house renovations and all, you can't afford it right now, but you hope she has a great time!

see what happens. good luck

[RayKay]

I think you need to establish pretty fast you cannot, and will not, pay for her all the time. You don't need to be mean about it, but I think you need to be pretty firm in setting some boundaries.

It honestly sounds like she is pretty used to being "taken care of", even if she did pay in some past relationships, I wonder if she really did that often, or it is just her 'perspective' too. Maybe those guys just set the boundaries better, and so she could NOT use them this way!

You are in very different places - she has no bills to pay, rent or mortgage to budget for. If she can have a $10/day Starbucks habit, she can certainly afford to buy some Aleve and cook you some pasta now and then! I honestly think it comes down to more what she WANTS to pay for, and what she doesn't. She is definitely not ready for the reality of having to buy groceries and pay the phone bill!

Whether you make triple she does is irrelevant at this point as you for one, you have only been dating three months. There is no way you should be 'taking care of her' at this point. You are not living together (I should add..unless you figure this out I recommend against it) or married. You have a house you are working on, bills, mortgage payments - she doesn't. Very different situations. Add on that that if your job is very unstable, you have to make sure you are saving enough in case of job loss.

Can you imagine if you did move in with this girl with these habits? You might find yourself financially ruined.

My partner and I live together and he makes about $20,000 more then I right now, and we still both contribute fairly equally to the bills and food, etc. But before we moved in, we treated each other equally as well.

Be wary of someone whom is stingy with you with money, they often prove to be stingy with their love to. There is a big difference between being budgeted/fiscally-concious and just being selfish about their money. She obviously can spend it on herself and her friends, but not you and the relationship....that concerns me.