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My wife cheated & I'm devastated


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First, I am glad I have found what appears to be a decent forum for this topic. I am into my fourth day after finding out that my wife had an affair with her coworker. A few days ago, my wife came home and told me that she had something to tell me and made me promise to hear her out. She then proceeded to tell me that she had cheated on me with her coworker that is 20 years older than her.

 

She told me that they slept together three times while out of town at conferences. She said that the other man's wife found out about the affair and forced her to tell me. My wife confessed that she had no plans of telling me in the near future. She said that someday she would have told me. Since being told, my emotions flip-flop from anger to rage to sadness to humiliation, etc.

 

Yesterday, I met with the other man's wife. She told me that she had suspected something for months and had gotten enough information together to confront her husband. He admitted it to her and for the last 5 weeks she has been confronting my wife and pushing her to tell me. She discussed the things that made her suspicious; phone records, emails, etc. Most shocking was that she said that her husband said that they slept together "at least 10 times."

 

I confronted my wife with this information and she adamently denies it. With respect to all of the details that she told me, I want to believe her. However, I can't understand why the other man would tell his wife that it happened at least 10 times. When I met with the other man's wife she told me that her husband was mad that I knew and he has refused to communicate with her. The other man's wife said that he answered her questions when first confronted and since then he has been uncommunicative and gets mad when she asks him about it. When I found out he got so mad that he left her for a couple of nights before returning.

 

His behavior is erratic and unapologetic (from what I can gather). It is not consistent with the way a rational person would act if they were caught and wanted to work things out. I guess I want to know who to believe with respect to the number of times that they had sex. Outside of work they had limited opportunities because of family obligations and the times that their spouses (me and the other man's wife) were around. They did however, work on work-related projects outside of normal work hours and away from their spouses. My wife said that nothing happened during these times. Help!!!! I don't know what to believe or where to turn to get over this. I am so sad.

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I am very sorry to hear of your situation, glad you found us, but sorry for the reason you are here.

 

Honestly, I think you need to apply your anger and sadness in the right direction. I am not saying you AREN'T entirely, but I do think at this point focusing on the numbers and whom is right is going to have you going in circles - really at this point they BOTH lied, they both cheated, and I am not sure either is any more believable then the other.

 

Honestly, in the end, it does not matter if it was 3 or 10. I can see WHY you want to know the details, but it won't change the situation in the least. I don't know why he would tell his wife 10 either if it wasn't unless he is bitter, angry and trying to shift the blame, nor do I know why your wife insists on 3 (does she figure that's the "appropriate" amount so you don't leave her?) but I DO know that whatever the number she chose to participate, he chose to participate and they both carried on this affair. One time is too many. I don't think it matters at this point, I think what matters is what YOU choose to do, and what your wife chooses to do. Do you want to work things out? Does she? If yes, it's going to be a long haul, and require a lot of work including counselling, and communication...and I would suggest a job change for her.

 

If not, well it won't be easy either, and I would STILL suggest counselling and a lawyer. But if you feel you can't forgive, or she is not remorseful or willing to work, it may be a better option in the long run.

 

Do you have any children?

 

There is another forum I would also advise you to check out (but of course post here too) called link removed as well. It has a great forum for people on all sides of the infidelity issue - those whom just found out, those whom want to work it out, those whom are back together, those whom are the other man/woman, those whom are the wayward spouses....it's very good for some additional support and insight from those whom are also there.

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Hey fan,

 

I am very sorry that your wife chose to do this to you. If she cheated, she is obviously capable of lying, I can imagine you really don't know what to believe. It might well be that the co-worker lied to his wife about the number of times, but it's almost unimaginable that he would actually increase the number of times. Unless he tried to hurt her on purpose. You don't know anything about his motives that relate to his own marriage, so if I were you I'd try to focus on your own relationship. In fact, the number of times doesn't really matter. She cheated, and the big question is now what you want from this relationship.

 

Do you have children? Are there things in the relationship that you know bothered her (not that anything could really be an excuse, but it may at least be explanatory to a certain extent)?

 

Would you consider therapy with her, and how does she feel about the future with you?

 

I have never really been cheated on, so I can't really relate to this. I am deeply sorry for you, I can't even imagine what this must feel like for you.

 

Keep us posted, and do have a look around in the forum about infidelity (I suppose you already read a couple of posts there). The link of RayKay also provides a lot of help.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

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I don't mean to come off sounding mean or rude but does it matter? That it happened even one time is enough in my book to leave the relationship. No matter what, we, here on this forum say, do you think you can really believe either one at this point. Don't let the number of times it happened blind you, really, really think about this. Is this a healthy relationshp to try to continue?

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The most important things to concentrate on in this situation are:

 

do you still love her and do you still want her?

 

and:

 

does she love you, why did she cheat, does she still want the marriage with you to continue, is she sorry and what can she do to convince you this won't happen again?

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My wife confessed that she had no plans of telling me in the near future.

So she's told you that she'd lie AND cheat? Sounds like anything coming out of her mouth is suspect. This is a good example of "actions speak louder than words."

 

... she said that her husband said that they slept together "at least 10 times."

I'd take that with a grain of salt. You're hearing it second hand. You don't know if he was trying to hurt her such as "I've cheated on you 100 times" when in fact it's only been once. There is a dynamic in situations that is hard to explain but this comes to mind:

 

"Trust nothing that you hear and only half of what you see."

 

Both of them could have an agenda that you don't know about.

 

I confronted my wife with this information and she adamently denies it. With respect to all of the details that she told me, I want to believe her.

I think that is a big mistake. She lied. She cheated. Don't be naive and believe her at this point. She has to do a LOT of making up to you *if* she wants things to work out. You should tell her "PROVE IT." with no second guessing. It will show a lot of how she wants your marriage to turn out. However, based on the fact that she was never going to tell you, I don't see how it's going to last. What do you think?

 

When I found out he got so mad that he left her for a couple of nights before returning.

You should have done that ... in my opinion ... but not come back.

 

It is not consistent with the way a rational person would act if they were caught and wanted to work things out.

You know, I have to point out that these people are *clearly* not rational. It is a big mistake for a rational guy such as yourself (or us) to assume this guy has ANY thoughts of being rational. There is a good example given for CCW (Concealed Carry Weapon) classes that basically said:

 

"If you see someone in the mall with a gun, shooting people, it's NOT a good idea to stand up and yell 'drop your weapon' like you see on TV. This gun-toting maniac is NOT rational. He could be on drugs, be mentally unstable, or just not care. Unlike on TV, in the real world identifying yourself to the target usually results in you getting shot."

 

Point is? Don't assume you know anything about some guy who is cheating on his wife.

 

I guess I want to know who to believe with respect to the number of times that they had sex. Outside of work they had limited opportunities because of family obligations and the times that their spouses (me and the other man's wife) were around. They did however, work on work-related projects outside of normal work hours and away from their spouses. My wife said that nothing happened during these times. Help!!!! I don't know what to believe or where to turn to get over this. I am so sad.

You only need to know ONE thing - she cheated. Period. It doesn't matter how many times, in my opinion. I would also advocate you look into local laws regarding adultry.

 

When my wife cheated on me, I found out by accident. And I found out who the guy was. Turns out he was a regular at the bar she worked at, and I had met him on previous occasion. I bet he thought it was funny that he'd talk to me and I didn't know. The next time I saw him, he came in and sat down next to me at the bar. I calmly told him he had 5 seconds to get out the front door "because I know." He ran so fast he was knocking over chairs. (I'm 6' 4", he was like 5' 6".)

 

Where I lived adultry was illegal. I initated divorce proceedings against my wife (no kids) and it went without a hitch. She did not contest which was lucky for her, because I had lots of evidence.

 

Two years later, after much healing, I met a woman who far exceeds the best quality of my ex wife in every single way.

 

So, I can only wish you the best of luck. It sucks, I know. I wouldn't recommend you reward her for her behavior, and would in fact advocate you telling her to pack her crap and get out (depending on your situation - any kids?) and start a divorce. If you take her back without her doing a LOT of work to make things better, you reward her cheating and I don't advocate that.

 

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It sucks.

 

By the way, don't hurt anyone, it's not worth it.

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Oh man, I don't know what other word to describe this. After reading this, I just feel, well if your wife was here, with all to respect, I would end up bashing her. I dunno why can some people be like that, act out of irrational impulses, urges. Ok so we all have sex drives and these urges, but morals and values stop us from acting them out. Apperently your wife lacks them.

Now it's really up to you to decide. But keep in mind that if you wanna work it out and actually forgive don't ever, EVER do it just cuz you have children, just to make them feel happy. Don't do that, kids are very perception, they can easily sense when things are going on with their parents. If you wanna work it out, do in act of your free will, out of what you really feel towards her, if you really do still love her. In that case, then yea you would need couple counseling, lots of it, it's gonna take a very very long time before she finally regains your trust. And also, there's before everyone forgot to mention here, before doing that, get both you and her tested for STD's and get the reports. And also don't forgive just cuz she begs or cries her way out, in the end it's your desicion.

But if you can't find yourself forgiving her and find it so beyond repulsive, then I would suggest seeking a lawyer and get the divorce ready.

Remember never stay just for the kids or just cuz she's begging you to, do it cuz you want to (if you still love her).

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I did forget to mention some of the specifics of our relationship. We have one, small child. Honestly, my child was the only thing that kept me from walking when I initially found out. I love my wife and have known her for 15 years (married for nearly 9 yrs.). I really never thought this would happen and am having a hard time accepting that I'm not dreaming. We have always had a really good relationship. In fact, I've heard her friends comment that we had the ideal relationship and friendship that they wanted. It feels like a bad dream. Imagine, without warning or suspicions, your spouse comes walking in and drops this on you. This can't be happening.

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What have you really decide? Are you gonna work it out and go through couple counseling or start filing for divorce, legal separation. Like I say, don't do it for the kid, that's the same excuse marry people tend to give, in reality it'll make both you and the kid miserable, then when the kid grows up and gets out, that's when you really wanna leave, when you should have done that long time ago.

But most important is how is she reacting after telling you this, is she showing remorse, regretting it. What are her emotions now, crying, screaming, unapologitic, ect.? Remember that it's your decision to leave her, nothing can't stop you from taking her back. However this doesn't mean that you won't be with the kid, you will.

It doesn't mean that you have to live with her to be with the kid, you don't have and you can still be a father and a role model. Lots of kids have parents that are divorce, some of the reason is due to adultery.

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She is very apologetic and remorseful. She cries and says she is so angry at herself for messing up. She says that I am a good man, she has a good family, and she does not deserve any of it. I love her and it pains me to see her like this; just as it hurts her to see my sadness. She wants to stay together and says she will spend the rest of her life doing everything in her power to prove her love and loyalty to me. As you can imagine I have flirted with the idea that an affair on my side would make me feel better. I know it won't, and will only make me feel worse and the situation worse. Truth is, one reason I couldn't revenge cheat is that I love her and don't want her to ever be in pain.

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Is she sorry that she cheated or just sorry that she got caught?

 

Beware of her crying - it may be genuine but it may also be manipulative - you have a right to be angry.

 

You also have a right to leave her if you so choose. But it if you do decide to forgive her, then you both have a lot of work to do. She mostly but you as well because it may be that there was something that you were not doing in the relationship that she sought elsewhere. That would not justify her cheating at all - but it is crucial that you get all the issues in your marriage sorted - not just what she did wrong.

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Is she sorry that she cheated or just sorry that she got caught?

 

She didn't really get caught, she told him herself before the wife was to told. But still, she's low what she did.

Fan, yes be careful with her cries, she migth just be thinking out, most of women who cheat like to do that, they cry their way out.

And by the looks of it, since they did it more than twice, it sounds like she wans't gonna stop if your wife had not been force to confess it to you.

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She didn't really get caught, she told him herself before the wife was to told. But still, she's low what she did.

Fan, yes be careful with her cries, she migth just be thinking out, most of women who cheat like to do that, they cry their way out.

And by the looks of it, since they did it more than twice, it sounds like she wans't gonna stop if your wife had not been force to confess it to you.

 

She got caught by her lover's wife and was pressured into telling the truth before the wife told him herself. That is a very different thing that confessing on her own volition because she wanted to save her marriage.

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My wife confessed that she had no plans of telling me in the near future.

 

I really have to agree with everything Poco said. And the above quote more than anything is what would really upset me if I were you in this situation. Not only did she cheat on you, but she would not have confessed to you had the wife of the man she cheated with forced her to. So if they hadn't been caught she would probably still be sleeping with this man and not telling you about it.

 

My GF cheated on me three years ago and I chose to stay with her. We're still together. She confessed everything to me of her own free will out of guilt. I get the impression your wife has no remorse over what she did.

 

If you really love your wife and you want to stay together, then what the other posters have already said rings true. She has a lot of work to do to win back your trust. You'll also have to work together through counseling to identify to what lead her to cheat.

 

If you don't think you can get over this (and I don't blame you at all if you don't), then it's best to end this now. Your child will be better off in a single parent home with one parent who loves them instead of a two parent home where the love has been lost because of an affair.

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Well yea, she didn't freelly told him, only cuz the other man's wife was gonna say it to her husband. I dunno if she really is sorry then, women tend to cry their way out for their men to take them back. My guess is that she just wants her husband to turn his other cheek around so she can proceed with it, with what she didn't finish.

Come to think of it, she say's he's a good man, but she definitely wasn't thinking about that statement while she was with the other man. I'm guessing now, she's trying to have her * * * mostly.

Most important is that he can leave her anytime he wants to. Lots of married people tend to use that same overuse cliche "For the kids", it does no good.

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Sorry friend, but I think they fell for each other and she is crying because he is angry at her and because it's over and she is heartbroken. I don't know if it's true so use your gut instinct to know for sure but it's what mine is telling me and it's something you should consider to be more true that her crying because you a good man and she messed up.

There is probably a touch of guilt in there too when she looks at you and sees your pain. I'm so sorry and hope I'm wrong.

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fanoftheallmans vbmenu_register("postmenu_1000476", true);

I would be cautious about taking some of the advice in the thread. Many have stated their opinions BUT they are just opinions, But i have to add this, MANY are not experienced in your situation or even been in long term relationship, even less have a child.

So they are judging from a distance, they are Judging from a social stand point. In situation like this, it is unique, becasue it is yours, your wife and your child problem. Opinions are opinions. I would seek professional help for yourself first to help you figure out how to approach this situation.

 

As for advice about leaving your wife solely based on love, well it is up to you,but remember, children brought up in broken family are more prone to fail in society. You have responsibilities as father and as a husband, you are not a single man any more THus your decisions WILL effect your child for their life time. I am soory that things hasnt sailed so smoothly in your marriage, i hope you go a find professional help you guide you in your decisions based as a man, a father and a husband.

 

Again, am not a professional, i have problems with relationships. PLEASE PLEASE pay attention to who is giving you advice here. People that has been in your situation can help but there are many here that are just judging and totally lack experience of this situation, these are the ones to avoid as they WILL cloud your mind and confuse you further. Right now you need clarity. Find the people that has been in your situation and been through it and ignor the rest.

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His behavior is erratic and unapologetic (from what I can gather). It is not consistent with the way a rational person would act if they were caught and wanted to work things out.

 

This is, however, how most people react when their affair is discovered. It's contrary to how we may expect them to behave (contrite, apologetic, etc.) ... often they don't express remorse, seem uncontrite and unapologetic. That's pretty normal behavior for people when the affair is discovered, to be honest.

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Ailec1987..

 

i would use caution about your opinions here. You are making alot of guesses about their situation, and i feel that your post comes with alot of aggression. Think about what you are posting.. are you really helping the situation or are you aggrivating it?

 

Assume => A55 of U & ME

.

 

My impression of your post is that you are not helping.

 

"for the kids" is not an over use clinche, if you look at the satistics of what happens to a childs life in a broken marriage you will find out that it is a real issue. Havig a child is a BIG issue, you become a father/ Mother, it isn;t play time anymore where you are responsible for only yourself. You have to LEARN to sacrifice, something that comes with age, responsibilites and maturity.

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Ailec1987..

 

i would use caution about your opinions here. You are making alot of guesses about their situation, and i feel that your post comes with alot of aggression. Think about what you are posting.. are you really helping the situation or are you aggrivating it?

 

Assume => A55 of U & ME

.

 

My impression of your post is that you are not helping.

 

"for the kids" is not an over use clinche, if you look at the satistics of what happens to a childs life in a broken marriage you will find out that it is a real issue. Havig a child is a BIG issue, you become a father/ Mother, it isn;t play time anymore where you are responsible for only yourself. You have to LEARN to sacrifice, something that comes with age, responsibilites and maturity.

 

I think fanoftheallmans is probably capable of deciding for himself if any of the advice on here helps him or not.

 

As to whether the kids would be harmed by a divorce: surely that is something that fanoftheallmans' wife should have thought about before she decided to cheat on him? If he decides to leave her as a result of her cheating the consequences of that would be her responsibility.

 

I agree that children are often hurt by divorce but to use that to try and pressure someone into staying in a marriage broken by infidelity is unfair - and to suggest he should may aggravate the situation rather than help.

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You have to LEARN to sacrifice, something that comes with age, responsibilites and maturity.

 

What do you mean exactly? Does he have to sacrifice the idea of what a good wife should be for the sake of his children?

 

Everyone knows you have to sacrifice time money and personal freedom when you become a parent. But when you say you have to sacrifice in this situation, I'd really like you to elaborate.

 

Did your parents divorce?

 

 

I can only speak from personal experience. There was no infidelity in my parent's marriage when I was a child, but they were miserable together and my family was totally dysfunctional because of it. They would have been better off divorcing years ago.

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Ailec1987..

 

i would use caution about your opinions here. You are making alot of guesses about their situation, and i feel that your post comes with alot of aggression. Think about what you are posting.. are you really helping the situation or are you aggrivating it?

 

Freedom, I was telling him what are the two options of dealing with infidelities. I didn't told him "Divorce her, you don't deserve her". That's not what I say, I say that it was his in the end if he wanted to work it out and go to couple counseling or move on and hired a lawyer, start with the divorce.

At the end he's free to decide what's he's gonna do about it. Yes kids can be affected, but they're more affected being in a dysfunctional house. Like DN, it would be very unfair if he was force to stay with her just for the kid cuz it wouldn't be under his free will. And as for his choice, his wife should have consider that before processing with her act.

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I am in a 28 year relationship. My wife has cheated on me twice. One big difference is she told me about the first one and strongly hinted about the second one to the point I point blank asked her and she confessed. The two incidences were 20 years apart. The first one was a one time happening. I forgave her that and did learn to trust her again to the point of overlooking things happening the second time because I trusted her. The second time went on for 6 months. She called it off about 9 months before I found put about it. I struggled with that for about 2 years. We are going to divorce. We are working together however on making sure the children (3 minors) have open access to both of us to reduce the lost feeelings they no doubt will have. She has found out she is codependant and has a love adiction. She came from a home of incest and a broken marriage. With all that said I decided to divorce because I can no longer give to her the way I did before the second infraction. She does not blame me for wanting to leave. I know that in some ways I still love her but cannot take a chance on my heart being broken again. Like I said I cannot love her like I used to. It is curious that she only told you because she got caught. Will she be more careful if there is a next time not to get caught? I would wonder.

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