My wife cheated & I'm devastated

[fanoftheallmans]

First, I am glad I have found what appears to be a decent forum for this topic. I am into my fourth day after finding out that my wife had an affair with her coworker. A few days ago, my wife came home and told me that she had something to tell me and made me promise to hear her out. She then proceeded to tell me that she had cheated on me with her coworker that is 20 years older than her.

She told me that they slept together three times while out of town at conferences. She said that the other man's wife found out about the affair and forced her to tell me. My wife confessed that she had no plans of telling me in the near future. She said that someday she would have told me. Since being told, my emotions flip-flop from anger to rage to sadness to humiliation, etc.

Yesterday, I met with the other man's wife. She told me that she had suspected something for months and had gotten enough information together to confront her husband. He admitted it to her and for the last 5 weeks she has been confronting my wife and pushing her to tell me. She discussed the things that made her suspicious; phone records, emails, etc. Most shocking was that she said that her husband said that they slept together "at least 10 times."

I confronted my wife with this information and she adamently denies it. With respect to all of the details that she told me, I want to believe her. However, I can't understand why the other man would tell his wife that it happened at least 10 times. When I met with the other man's wife she told me that her husband was mad that I knew and he has refused to communicate with her. The other man's wife said that he answered her questions when first confronted and since then he has been uncommunicative and gets mad when she asks him about it. When I found out he got so mad that he left her for a couple of nights before returning.

His behavior is erratic and unapologetic (from what I can gather). It is not consistent with the way a rational person would act if they were caught and wanted to work things out. I guess I want to know who to believe with respect to the number of times that they had sex. Outside of work they had limited opportunities because of family obligations and the times that their spouses (me and the other man's wife) were around. They did however, work on work-related projects outside of normal work hours and away from their spouses. My wife said that nothing happened during these times. Help!!!! I don't know what to believe or where to turn to get over this. I am so sad.

[RayKay]

I am very sorry to hear of your situation, glad you found us, but sorry for the reason you are here.

Honestly, I think you need to apply your anger and sadness in the right direction. I am not saying you AREN'T entirely, but I do think at this point focusing on the numbers and whom is right is going to have you going in circles - really at this point they BOTH lied, they both cheated, and I am not sure either is any more believable then the other.

Honestly, in the end, it does not matter if it was 3 or 10. I can see WHY you want to know the details, but it won't change the situation in the least. I don't know why he would tell his wife 10 either if it wasn't unless he is bitter, angry and trying to shift the blame, nor do I know why your wife insists on 3 (does she figure that's the "appropriate" amount so you don't leave her?) but I DO know that whatever the number she chose to participate, he chose to participate and they both carried on this affair. One time is too many. I don't think it matters at this point, I think what matters is what YOU choose to do, and what your wife chooses to do. Do you want to work things out? Does she? If yes, it's going to be a long haul, and require a lot of work including counselling, and communication...and I would suggest a job change for her.

If not, well it won't be easy either, and I would STILL suggest counselling and a lawyer. But if you feel you can't forgive, or she is not remorseful or willing to work, it may be a better option in the long run.

Do you have any children?

There is another forum I would also advise you to check out (but of course post here too) called [Only registered users can see links. ] as well. It has a great forum for people on all sides of the infidelity issue - those whom just found out, those whom want to work it out, those whom are back together, those whom are the other man/woman, those whom are the wayward spouses....it's very good for some additional support and insight from those whom are also there.

[arwen]

Hey fan,

I am very sorry that your wife chose to do this to you. If she cheated, she is obviously capable of lying, I can imagine you really don't know what to believe. It might well be that the co-worker lied to his wife about the number of times, but it's almost unimaginable that he would actually increase the number of times. Unless he tried to hurt her on purpose. You don't know anything about his motives that relate to his own marriage, so if I were you I'd try to focus on your own relationship. In fact, the number of times doesn't really matter. She cheated, and the big question is now what you want from this relationship.

Do you have children? Are there things in the relationship that you know bothered her (not that anything could really be an excuse, but it may at least be explanatory to a certain extent)?

Would you consider therapy with her, and how does she feel about the future with you?

I have never really been cheated on, so I can't really relate to this. I am deeply sorry for you, I can't even imagine what this must feel like for you.

Keep us posted, and do have a look around in the forum about infidelity (I suppose you already read a couple of posts there). The link of RayKay also provides a lot of help.

Take care,

Ilse

[fides75]

I don't mean to come off sounding mean or rude but does it matter? That it happened even one time is enough in my book to leave the relationship. No matter what, we, here on this forum say, do you think you can really believe either one at this point. Don't let the number of times it happened blind you, really, really think about this. Is this a healthy relationshp to try to continue?

[DN]

The most important things to concentrate on in this situation are:

do you still love her and do you still want her?

and:

does she love you, why did she cheat, does she still want the marriage with you to continue, is she sorry and what can she do to convince you this won't happen again?

[PocoDiablo]

My wife confessed that she had no plans of telling me in the near future.

So she's told you that she'd lie AND cheat? Sounds like anything coming out of her mouth is suspect. This is a good example of "actions speak louder than words."

... she said that her husband said that they slept together "at least 10 times."

I'd take that with a grain of salt. You're hearing it second hand. You don't know if he was trying to hurt her such as "I've cheated on you 100 times" when in fact it's only been once. There is a dynamic in situations that is hard to explain but this comes to mind:

"Trust nothing that you hear and only half of what you see."

Both of them could have an agenda that you don't know about.

I confronted my wife with this information and she adamently denies it. With respect to all of the details that she told me, I want to believe her.

I think that is a big mistake. She lied. She cheated. Don't be naive and believe her at this point. She has to do a LOT of making up to you *if* she wants things to work out. You should tell her "PROVE IT." with no second guessing. It will show a lot of how she wants your marriage to turn out. However, based on the fact that she was never going to tell you, I don't see how it's going to last. What do you think?

When I found out he got so mad that he left her for a couple of nights before returning.

You should have done that ... in my opinion ... but not come back.

It is not consistent with the way a rational person would act if they were caught and wanted to work things out.

You know, I have to point out that these people are *clearly* not rational. It is a big mistake for a rational guy such as yourself (or us) to assume this guy has ANY thoughts of being rational. There is a good example given for CCW (Concealed Carry Weapon) classes that basically said:

"If you see someone in the mall with a gun, shooting people, it's NOT a good idea to stand up and yell 'drop your weapon' like you see on TV. This gun-toting maniac is NOT rational. He could be on drugs, be mentally unstable, or just not care. Unlike on TV, in the real world identifying yourself to the target usually results in you getting shot."

Point is? Don't assume you know anything about some guy who is cheating on his wife.

I guess I want to know who to believe with respect to the number of times that they had sex. Outside of work they had limited opportunities because of family obligations and the times that their spouses (me and the other man's wife) were around. They did however, work on work-related projects outside of normal work hours and away from their spouses. My wife said that nothing happened during these times. Help!!!! I don't know what to believe or where to turn to get over this. I am so sad.

You only need to know ONE thing - she cheated. Period. It doesn't matter how many times, in my opinion. I would also advocate you look into local laws regarding adultry.

When my wife cheated on me, I found out by accident. And I found out who the guy was. Turns out he was a regular at the bar she worked at, and I had met him on previous occasion. I bet he thought it was funny that he'd talk to me and I didn't know. The next time I saw him, he came in and sat down next to me at the bar. I calmly told him he had 5 seconds to get out the front door "because I know." He ran so fast he was knocking over chairs. (I'm 6' 4", he was like 5' 6".)

Where I lived adultry was illegal. I initated divorce proceedings against my wife (no kids) and it went without a hitch. She did not contest which was lucky for her, because I had lots of evidence.

Two years later, after much healing, I met a woman who far exceeds the best quality of my ex wife in every single way.

So, I can only wish you the best of luck. It sucks, I know. I wouldn't recommend you reward her for her behavior, and would in fact advocate you telling her to pack her crap and get out (depending on your situation - any kids?) and start a divorce. If you take her back without her doing a LOT of work to make things better, you reward her cheating and I don't advocate that.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It sucks.

By the way, don't hurt anyone, it's not worth it.

[yeawutever]

Oh man, I don't know what other word to describe this. After reading this, I just feel, well if your wife was here, with all to respect, I would end up bashing her. I dunno why can some people be like that, act out of irrational impulses, urges. Ok so we all have sex drives and these urges, but morals and values stop us from acting them out. Apperently your wife lacks them.
Now it's really up to you to decide. But keep in mind that if you wanna work it out and actually forgive don't ever, EVER do it just cuz you have children, just to make them feel happy. Don't do that, kids are very perception, they can easily sense when things are going on with their parents. If you wanna work it out, do in act of your free will, out of what you really feel towards her, if you really do still love her. In that case, then yea you would need couple counseling, lots of it, it's gonna take a very very long time before she finally regains your trust. And also, there's before everyone forgot to mention here, before doing that, get both you and her tested for STD's and get the reports. And also don't forgive just cuz she begs or cries her way out, in the end it's your desicion.
But if you can't find yourself forgiving her and find it so beyond repulsive, then I would suggest seeking a lawyer and get the divorce ready.
Remember never stay just for the kids or just cuz she's begging you to, do it cuz you want to (if you still love her).

[fanoftheallmans]

I did forget to mention some of the specifics of our relationship. We have one, small child. Honestly, my child was the only thing that kept me from walking when I initially found out. I love my wife and have known her for 15 years (married for nearly 9 yrs.). I really never thought this would happen and am having a hard time accepting that I'm not dreaming. We have always had a really good relationship. In fact, I've heard her friends comment that we had the ideal relationship and friendship that they wanted. It feels like a bad dream. Imagine, without warning or suspicions, your spouse comes walking in and drops this on you. This can't be happening.

[yeawutever]

What have you really decide? Are you gonna work it out and go through couple counseling or start filing for divorce, legal separation. Like I say, don't do it for the kid, that's the same excuse marry people tend to give, in reality it'll make both you and the kid miserable, then when the kid grows up and gets out, that's when you really wanna leave, when you should have done that long time ago.
But most important is how is she reacting after telling you this, is she showing remorse, regretting it. What are her emotions now, crying, screaming, unapologitic, ect.? Remember that it's your decision to leave her, nothing can't stop you from taking her back. However this doesn't mean that you won't be with the kid, you will.
It doesn't mean that you have to live with her to be with the kid, you don't have and you can still be a father and a role model. Lots of kids have parents that are divorce, some of the reason is due to adultery.

[fanoftheallmans]

She is very apologetic and remorseful. She cries and says she is so angry at herself for messing up. She says that I am a good man, she has a good family, and she does not deserve any of it. I love her and it pains me to see her like this; just as it hurts her to see my sadness. She wants to stay together and says she will spend the rest of her life doing everything in her power to prove her love and loyalty to me. As you can imagine I have flirted with the idea that an affair on my side would make me feel better. I know it won't, and will only make me feel worse and the situation worse. Truth is, one reason I couldn't revenge cheat is that I love her and don't want her to ever be in pain.