So angry right now. Betrayed!

[FoxLocke]

I'll just get right to the point...

I told three of my friends, my cousin(who happens to be gay too), and my mother(the pinnacle of my experience). It seemed like everything was fine and I was growing in confidence, and gathering strength for when I opened up to everyone else...
Well, that beautiful dream went straight to hell in a handbasket. I am so angry and pissed right now that I want to write a tirade of expletives and throw my computer out of the window. So I'll just compose myself...
To get right to it I know that my mom was having a hard time and she needed to talk to someone. So I gave her permission to tell my aunt(my gay cousin's mother). Since the two of them are close anyway and she went through the samething I figured what would be the harm. Well, that blew up in my face. My aunt was STUPID(emphasis on stupid)enough to think that just because my mother confided in her that gave her STUPID self express consent to start the rumor mill...
Well, my aunt told her other "straight(even though we think he might be gay too)" son about my sexuality to all of my brothers and their families over the phone.
Yes, in one night--before I was ready--I was OUTED to my entire family, most of them I can't even stand anyway...
My third oldest brother(who was born before me)called my mom on the phone and basically went on a screaming rant about me. He said that I wasn't gay, and that I am just "choosing" this "lifestyle" because I am confused and I don't want to grow up. He blamed my mother for pampering me and basically screamed and screamed until my mom hung up in his face.
Before I continue I really despise this particular sibling. My brother and I have nothing but contempt between us. Growing up he was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to me on a regular basis from the time I was 12 until the age of 17. Mind you he is 15 years older than me. When he was being abusive to me it was basically an adult child situation NOT sibling rivalry.
My brother had nothing positive to do with my life and if he fell off the face of the Earth tommorrow I would not even know he was gone.
However, he had the audacity to swear up the wall to our mother and blame her for making me gay.
And after our break through in group counseling my mother started asking me whether or not I was sure I was gay. I literally had to argue her down saying that it wasn't a choice I made. I know that she is hurting over it but It made me so mad that I told her that I made out with guy...Just so she would know I wasn't joking.
The day had gone so positively and I thought she was accepting it, but she just went right back into denial mode. Like this was a life I chose for myself.
Now, as I type this, my sister in law(my oldest brother's wife), is in the den discussing it with my mother! It is like I am not even in the darn house right now!
All of my life I have tried to be the perfect son. I have made straight A's since the first grade, I graduated highschool when I was 15-years-old, I held down a steady job for several years before I went to college; I got a degree and computer certification from a two year school, I made the dean's for the last three semesters at my current university, I'm about to graduate next summer; I'm an honor student, I have never been in trouble(I haven't even gotten a traffic ticket), I pay bills around the house, buy the groceries, have my own car, and have led a VERY moral life...However, my being gay and having the audacity to admit it has now made me to gossip and most likely The black sheep of my family. Forget the fact that we have SEVERAL gay men AND women in our family(duh, it is quite obviously genetic)...Now I am looked at and ridiculed for doing nothing except telling my mother that I'm gay.
I knew that every coming out experience would not be positive, and I was prepared for rejection. But I did not want to be the target of gossip.
I think most of them ALREADY knew I was gay but they just didn't want to admit it to themselves because they are so hung up on religion and the bible. I don't care what the bible says I know god still loves me and made me just the way I am.
It amazes me how: My older brother(the one I can't stand)is a serial wife and child beater(He has two ex-wives and he beat them regularly. They have both since left him...thank god. And also the abuse he put me through years ago); Two of my nieces(who are a little older than I am...I was born very late in the family)dropped out of highschool before the 12th grade, got pregnant, and are now both married with several kids and working regular jobs with no future; The former pastor of our church sexually molested one of my nieces for years; One of my uncles is a pimp(he literally sells women for money); and my two nephews(who are 17 and 18 were both recently arrested for shoplifting...
But I committed the abominable sin of being born gay.
Now, they will probably whisper about me and keep their kids away(because they believe that all gay men are sex crazed maniacs who will rape children...), and I will have the inevitable bible scripture quoted at me...But I don't care.
Who gives a damn now? I had no control over the situation...I didn't have the oppurtunity to tell ANYONE myself...
This has been a living hell and I am really sad and heart broken right now.
As soon as I am able to I am moving out of this house and going to live in the gay part of town. My city is huge and I can live here without having to be around any of them.
I'm sorry that I made this so long, but it was just something I needed to get out.

[robowarrior]

no no no no no no no , look.

Once you expose yourself and bring it 'out' into the open , like you have done ' resembles a man , who puts a tree on fire and then is suprised that fire engulfed the entire forest.

You are gay sexual, you've openly admitted it, and like the fire spreading a irriversable situation has took place, now you can only say' there will be people who will accept my sexuality, and there will be people who will not accept my sexuality, and i will have to live with that.

[FoxLocke]

That is irrelevant. My own friends at school have respected me enough to not betray my confidence so why can't my own family?!
It was still MY RIGHT to tell people myself! And that is betrayal!

Furthermore, I don't care if any members of my family, aside from my mom, care about my sexuality. I don't like the majority of them anyway. We are not close.

I'm sorry for yelling at you but I am really upset right now.

[WildChild]

First and foremost, I am sorry about this rotten situation. Your aunt was absolutely wrong to do that, and unfortunately it can't be taken back. It was your business. I am assuming that this is not normal for her to run at the mouth like that otherwise you would not have told your Mom it was o.k. to discuss it with her?

You have accomplished a lot in your life. Your siblings reactions more likely than not are based on your success. Basically jealousy. Your Mom may be swayed by others because of their disbelief. But I would almost bet the farm that once she takes the time to think about this, she will realize "you aren't just saying this".

Your brother sounds sick. As hard as it is, please don't let this sick, demented "being" upset you anymore. Look at the source.

Go in the other room and sit there. Put your sister-in-law in the akward situation of you sitting there. Ask her since the conversation is about you, if she would mind you sitting in there. Tell her she and everyone else should be ashamed of themselves for putting your mother in the middle of this. And for one good measure, tell her you have many things you could say about her life, but unlike her judgmental ways you are not going to throw her life out there to be eaten by the wolves. And for one last good measure, remind her of the Ten Commandments since they preach the bible, "Love thy neighbors as thy self."

[KIDD]

Foxlocke, I'm sorry to hear this! Family can be cruel & it's sad when people who share the same bloodline as you can't even love you for you. What's sad is there are still alot of people out there that doesn't understand us. I really think this will make you stronger in the end believe it or not. You never know, things may cool down after awhile, I mean this is a big shock to them. If the people in your family can't deal with who you are & what you like, it's their problem & it's nothing you can really do to make them think otherwise until they come around that is.

Also this goes to show you that everyone is not trustworthy, even your OWN family. When your mother confided in your aunt, it was something shocking & big, & sadly.. I don't know who would keep something like this to themselves.She probably felt the need to gossip because it was too hard to resist. Sadly this is how some people operate..

All I can say Foxlocke is keep it cool!! Realise that no matter what they say, you are the bigger person & basically the h*ll with everyone else that's not going to be there for you in the end. Look on the brightside, I really think your mother has your back in all of this. She may just feel confused & may feel like she's responsible for making you gay but that's not the case at all. Just talk with your mom & calmly explain to her that she is a great mother & that she did nothing wrong!

Even though I have never met you in person before Foxlocke, you seem like a very genuine & caring person & I have to say that I love you as if you were my own brother! You deserve the best & you will get the best! I believe that!

[FoxLocke]

Thanks Kidd and Wild Child...

After venting I do feel much better. The positive feedback really helped.

I feel more betrayed than anything. But this will make me a better person. I'm already starting not to care. With the exception of my mom no one else has ever been there for me...So why should I give two flying flips what they think of me?
WildChild, you are correct...My older brother is a sick SOB. I have been a better person for having limited to NO contact with him. And I intend to keep it that way even moreso now...
The only thing that is making me sad is that my mom is caught in the middle. None of these idiots will come and express their concerns to ME.
They are taking it out on her, and she didn't do anything except accept me!

Well, now it is all in the open so I'll just go from here...

I'm going to continue going to the support groups and chatting here. I am proud of myself and I will continue being the best person I can be. My sexuality is what I am not who I am.

[Jinx]

FoxLocke, I'm sorry this happened to you. Its a real sad thing when we have to place more trust in our friends than our family with things like this. It truly is. One of those situations I so wish it was blood is thicker than water, but unfortunately it seems much more the opposite.

But I committed the abominable sin of being born gay.

This is one of my favorite pet peeves. I've had so many people outright protest and condemn homosexuality then what do they do? Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Theft, Vandalism, Illegal activities in general. Then they assume they can just confess if they don't get caught and they're washed of sin. Then repeat process often.

Yet, there are those of us that have been perfectly law abiding peaceful educated citizens with no intentions of ever harming another yet WE are the ones deemed by these people to be bad? To them its like, it doesn't really matter, if you're gay, their sins no matter how horrible will always pale in comparison to yours. At least they can go confess and be washed clean of it. Now us on the other hand if we don't go into conversion therapy we burn it hell, front row seat. Eh, I love it.

I feel for you on this, I know fuming wouldn't even be the proper word if I were in that situation. My sister appears to hate my guts because I'm gay but then again no one to my knowledge has let the rest of the extended family (male) know about it. Then again to my benefit, my family rathers to keep their skeletons well hidden in the closet if that phrase even applies here. I'm the little secret they'd rather hide. Sometimes I wonder what is worst, the shame that I need hidden or had they let my father and the other men know and been forever disowned from the family and household. Kind of mixed balance issue.

Nonetheless, your mother will need your support and need reinforced that really, had it been a choice would you of picked to be gay? I don't think so. I don't think any of us would because its a hell of a life from every bit I gather as time goes on, not just me but everyone else here, too.

She will end up making her own decision in the end but all you can really do is continue working together and try expressing the truth instead of extreme homophobia.

[FoxLocke]

Jinxie, you hit the nail right on the head. That is why I would like to live in a gay community. I am just now getting a taste of the bigotry that gay men and women face and I'm already tired of it.
Again, it will just make me stronger...But it is deplorable regardless.

I'll probably end up being one of those gay relatives that leaves and only mentioned in whispers at the family reunion. When you come from a evangelical Baptist Christian family in Texas that is usually your fate.

I am just concentrating on working on my relationship with my mom.

[WildChild]

Originally Posted by FoxLocke

I am just concentrating on working on my relationship with my mom.

I think at the end of the day, outside of your own happiness, that is most important. Keep your chin up

[Tigris]

I'm sorry FoxLocke about your situation. It's not nice being 'outed' to everyone when you're not ready. I know my so called best friend (NOT ANYMORE), who's my next door neighbour 'outed' me on Christmas Eve in front of some of my Mother's extended family. I'd warned her before we went out that me might 'bump' into some of them and not to say anything.

I didn't know whether to run out of the pub, punch her, cry, etc. It was a mixture of emotions. All I could say to them is 'Please don't say anything because my Father doesn't know yet and my sisters are threatening to disown me and not let me see my 2 nephews and neice if he finds out!' I've never felt so much pressure in all my life!

We all know how hard it is to 'come out' as it is without being 'thrown to the lions!'

FoxLocke my gut instinct says your Auntie might've done it because the family were always told 'our so and so's achieved this and our so and so's achieved that' etc. You've already told us how successful you've always been and I think the family have been jealous and in awe of you. Now, they've found an imperfection and are making sure that all their insecurities, blame etc., are put on your you.

I'm sure this will settle down a lot in the next few weeks. Like you said you don't keep in touch with a lot of them so there's no love lost there. Your Mother, well I think that she's feeling like 'piggy in the middle' because she's supporting you but also that she's not used to having the 'flack' from the whole family in one go. My suggestion is that you give your Mother a hug and say that this isn't her fault and you don't blame her. I think she feels that she's let you down in this respect.

Also, I suggest that the next time you go and see your counsellor/therapist you explain what's happened and you will both be given advice on how to deal with the situation.

There's always going to be times when we take one step forward and half a dozen backwards!

Please keep us informed with developments.

Good luck FoxLocke and take care. Please give your Mother a hug from me.